Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar

Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl - A Review [4]

2011-12-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl

Girl meets boy. Boy falls in love with her mother. Girl cries. Boy agrees to marry her with an ulterior motive that the overprotective father of the bride knows but does not mind since he knows it is the best way he can keep his beloved daughter close to him even if it means he has to bear the ass (pun intended) We have all seen this story again and again in Hindi films [1] and yet once in a while a movie uses the same tale but spins it and presents it with such a fresh twist that the audience relishes it like it would a finely aged European wine or South Indian yogurt, if only it were discerning enough [7]

The documentary, 'Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl' is not that type of a fictional tale. 'Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl' is a social critique. It showcases the insecurities, fears and - what model, film-star and eminent sociologist Gul Panag calls "the indignities that women face in the North"[2] Although, abundant with dramatization of real life events, in some cases while covering the event live, "Ladies Vs Ricky Bahl" is an epoch making documentary which certainly has
triggered a new era in Indian Neo-Realistic Documentary Film-making. For all the detractors of Bollywood who have criticized Indian documentaries like "Didi Tera Devar Diwana" (or whatever the name of that movie was where the conspicuously Maharashtrian looking actress dies and Mohnish Bahl her on-screen and real life husband - Ricky Bahl's uncle - has to marry his sister lest he should be forced to die on his ex-wife's funeral pyre owing to the horrendous Indian practice of Nar-Sati widely practiced in the 90s but now abolished by law) or "Dildo Pagal Hai" (the abuse of sexual paraphernalia prevalent in the NRI community i.e its use for extra-sexual activities like beating eggs - pun unintended - for omlettes) for being unrealistic, "Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl" will silence their annoyingly holier-than-thou tone.

Anushka Singh plays Rinki, the unusually light skinned Punjabi girl who seeks an upper- caste North Indian man from a business family with a modern outlook yet who is deeply rooted in Traditional Indian Values (c) (or what the cool kids are now calling - TIV!) , meets the disappointingly middle-class looking but characteristically 'US-Return' Ricky Bahl (played by Ricky Bahl) at the US Embassy at Mumbai. "[Ricky] has the looks and he's got the charm and is tall and has a beard. He could have the pick of the ladies. But love isn't Ricky's priority - money is!" [8]He orders the Rs 150 latte and Rs 300 Chicken Sandwich which Anushka Singh sees and rolls her eyes. The embassy is mostly populated by ugly people (by standards of young people of age less than thirty) and hence the two good looking youngsters, who have no patience to read a book - "even if the arrogant ghati security guards would let them take one in the waiting room" [5][6], have nothing better to do but to engage in a gratuitous game of sexual tension. Soon they start talking about shopping, designer labels, latest technology, cool apps and all the other things that you people like these days. This is when Anushka Singh introduces herself as Anushka Singh to Ricky. This makes Ricky very suspicious because the name of her character is Rinki. From this point onwards the movie stops being a regular boy-meets-girl tale with shameless product placement and starts engaging the audience in to a two hour riveting crime thriller with shameless product placements.

Ricky observes that Anushka Singh has a Louis Vuitton Bag. Ordinarily this bag costs a fortune. Ricky knows Anushka can not afford that kind of money so he decides to take down her number and stalks her in America. He soon finds out that Anushka buys most of her expensive looking apparel and accessories from SoHo (or is it West Village. Where do you get the smuggled and fake products in NYC?) Ricky Bahl decides to follow the tradition of Upton Sinclair and other great muckrakers and dedicates the next two years of his life investigating the trade, the clientele, the statistics, the demographics of this illegal market. He writes a two page editorial for the New York Times and wins a Pulitzer Prize for the role of Best Actor in an Indian Film, incidentally the first Indian and first Non-American to ever win a Pulitzer. After this high profile expose which ends up indicting Women of the World, in general and Indian Women in particular, the Feminist Left criticizes Ricky for being a "corporate whore" and for being, and rightly so, anti-woman. To which Ricky Bahl responds in a front page editorial in the Washington Post with only the following words, "Yap Yap Yap" and a picture of his hand in a formation alluding to the infamous hand gesture meant to represent a garrulous woman. This article also receives great praise and accolades from the liberal establishment.

After this event, the Ladies decide to ex[tr]act revenge. The post-interval hour is about how the Ladies teach Ricky Bahl a lesson.

Editing by Sam "Final Cut" Subramanium is superb and the cinematography by Rkved Parulekar is brilliant. After a long time has a Hindi Film depicted Indian women in such a good light. Most women look as fair, both in complexion and sensibility, with the random blondes that dance around Ricky Bahl in the songs. This is in part due to the good light. The music by A. R Rahman is brilliant as usual. It has the perfect blend of Indian melodies and Western music much like a perfect blend of Chai Tea Latte and Lemon Juice, that is to say that the perfect blend in this context of course entails almost no Indian melody.

Do not the miss the beginning if you are a fan of literary criticism. The duel between Ricky Bahl and literary critic Terry Eagleton has been brilliantly choreographed by Vijayan "Hong Kong" Shetty . Ricky Bahl delivers a Howard Roark [9] style monologue, that has been dubbed the, "Welcome to the Hotline. I am the Sub-Altern, how can I help you today?"[10] speech by Bahlites - as fans of Ricky Bahl around the world call themselves. This lays the foundation of the movie and unless and every word of Ricky's Rant is assimilated, it will be hard to contextualize the rest of the movie.

Ladies Vs. Ricky Bahl doesn't just have the intellectual quotient for the college going audience member but also entertainment quotient for the college going audience member. That is to say, it just does not have Ricky Bahl, it also has them Ladies - if you know-i-sayin'. The eight rocking "Item Numbers" have rocked the charts [3] Item Number - C3456821789 has especially been very popular. This number will surely set the groove at every bar [11] around the world. Contrary to the prevailing trend of presenting an item flanked by European women in skimpy outfits who lip-sync to the chorus lines like "That's the way to Rock the party" or "Loooooove". For example typically when the Indian person center stage says, "Mere dil ka tudka hai tu", the conservatively clad White Women (c) go, "That's the way to rocky my party". Instead, all the eight Item Numbers in this fascinating movie involve the screen completely still with the Item Number presented in a bold large font with the name of the Item, the Vendor Name, the website and other such vital info. The Item Numbers screens will presumably be programmable and have gift card /discount coupon entries on the DVD/Blu-ray release. This is a path breaking innovation.

To sum up, Ladies get set to experience "Ricky Bahl Ka Tashan". The chest-shaven, long haired, sexy phenomenon will rob your hearts and not to mention, rock your party - unless of course its a Feminist Party.

[1] snarkily once called 'Bollywood' by the West, a title now proudly accepted by the shining India
[2] paraphrased from her monologue on 'We The People' where she argues that women feel safe in Mumbai because in general the South of India is less patriarchal.
This, of course, she does on a panel discussing the gruesome murders of two young men in Mumbai after they tried to protect their female friends from a
group of men who were sexual harassing them. The reader is advised to evaluate the characterization of Ms. Panag's words which admittedly could be quite
misrepresented due to laziness, lack of intellectual rigor and sheer sensationalism on the part of this writer. If Ms. Panag is reading this, and let's face it, she is not, my apologies.
[3] Does Indian Music Industry actually have charts? This idiom doesn't apply to our movie. Why do we use it?
[4] The views described here are not of the author or of anybody really. The movie was not really and will not really be viewed, though perhaps you should. It might be alright.
[5] Most high-profile enemies of the Indian state charged or suspected of seditious activities have been readers or writers of Books. Therefore Books are considered to be a security risk in India.
[6] Quotes mine. The scornful word "ghati" is a term of derision applied to Marathi speakers in Mumbai. It is a legitimate non-pejorative demonym for people who hail from or reside on the Western Ghats region of Maharashtra. However, it is considered pejorative by the 'Kokanis'/'Konkanis' of the Coastal region of Maharashtra, presumably because they consider it insulting to be associated with their neighbours(?) Hence now it is considered to be pejorative by most Marathi speakers. English Educated Maharashtrians (yes, you fucKars from Bombay Scottish) sanitize the word of its 'vernacular' last vowel and self-describe as "Ghaats". This sounds cooler and very 21st century. Amateur Social Historian and Bigot Rahul Venkatraman refers to them as "Upperclass Ghatis" with a supposed sense of discernment from the working class scum that he hates and wants to exterminate. That might be false, but what is true is what it tells us about Rahul.
[7] - the audience that is, not the yogurt. Yogurt might be a living culture but is not sentient, marketing campaigns not withstanding.
[8] Premise, Wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladies_vs_Ricky_Bahl
[9] Influential psychopathic hero of the shit book - Fountain Head, Ayn Rand.
[10] A critical rebuttal to Gayatri Spivak's "Can the sub-altern speak?"
[11] Couldn't get a a good pun going on item number/ bar code. Please comment/contact me if you can construct something. Citation 11 will be yours if you come up with something interesting.

The Dev Anand I knew

2011-12-05T12:48:00.000-08:00

Today, my friends, let me share with you an anecdote. This happened to me. It tells us a lot about the person that was Dev Anand.

"What are you doing here, son?", he asked in a trembling voice characteristic of his personality. I looked back at him and there he was, with squinted eyes looking at me with the dorsal plane of his person at around 30 degrees to the object of his curiosity, me. That was him. He spoke like that, he walked like that, he led his life like that - with the dorsal plane at 30 degrees to the object of his curiosity - a simile that is [as] hard to grasp as it is absurdly under-thought. His forearms were at 45 degrees to his arms (formal usage) and his hand were hanging loose, careless, nonchalant much like his demeanor. He walked in a slant manner - a bit like John Wayne, a bit like Gregory Peck - but it was his original inimitable (hyperbole) style.
No, it was not Dev Anand. It was my father. My father was one of the millions of young Indians of the 'swinging' sixties and - well, 'the' seventies whom, according to the Minister of Science and Technology, Minister of Earth Sciences and amateur Dev Anand Scholar, Vilasrao Deshmukh, "Dev Anand taught how to love"

My father is not a Dev Anand impersonator, nor is he a big fan of Dev Anand. Never the less, the influence of Dev Anand on his generation was so immense that if you closely look at the men and women of the generation they all look like programmed automatons coded to act exactly like Dev Anand.

"What are you doing here, son? Don't you want to go to Dev Uncle's house?", my father asked me. I was startled. ADD and heavy coursework of the 2nd grade had made me forget about the audition. The yea was 1987. Dev Anand was at the peak of his career, shooting his latest film, the Jackie Shrof starrer expected block buster, Sachche Ka Bol Bala. Dev Saab had seen me at the party of some random Gujarati person - Patel, Mehta, Shah or something (irony) - in Juhu and told me in RP accent, "Why don't you come for an audition at Navketan, Santa Cruz, I will see what we can do..." Now, from the - "I will see what we can do", it was clear to me that my parents had put in a word. Ambitious parents was, even in those pre-economic liberalization days, a typical feature of parenting in India.

I hurriedly put on my new clothes - short pants, a bow tie and suspenders. Typical of children's clothing at the time. We hurried to Santa Cruz. In those days, there were hardly any cars in Bombay. In those days, it was still Bombay - none of this Mumbai nonsense. We reached an hour late. Dev Saab was sitting on his high backed chair smoking pipe with a fake moustache on. He stared at me in anger and asked me, "Do you know how Napolean lost his war?"
I asked him, the precocious pre-wikipedian brat that I was, "Disambiguate Napolean please and which war?"

He said, "But of course the one at Barras in 1765. He lost it because he was late by 3 minutes"

I said, "Well, we are late by an hour - which is twenty times worse. If Loss in War for Napolean is analogous to me losing out on this audition, by that token - you need to invite me twenty times for the same audition and reject me twenty times, for this analogy to work"

Dev saab said, "The little rascal has spirit. Reminds me of 'Gap', an old friend of mine from Lahore. Well, he wasn't old then. The friendship was old. I wasn't in to old people or anything. Nothing funny was going on, just in case. Anyway he wasn't old. We were both young. I don't mean like - we were both young and something happened. Nothing happened. I am only saying, we were both young - factually - numerically, age wise.

"Any how, my friend Gap - his name was Ganpatrao but we called him Gap. Gap and I, studied in Lahore. O the beautiful city of Lahore. The Paris of the East. The Pearl of Punjab. We used to play badminton at the YMCAA, meet girls at National College of Arts, go to races at the Lahore Race Club and attend Congress Party Meetings. Those were the days."

"What's the relevance of the pre-partition glory of urban Lahore to the narrow discussion of the simile employed by you to convey the gravity of punctuality and more broadly and importantly to my audition?", asked the six year old me, in English.

"I am sorry son, its 1987 and that means I must be 64. That's not that old but I lose track of my conversations. Anyway, Oh yeah, I was telling you about Gap - my friend. He moved to Bombay and started a Typewriter Shop. He was a Typewriter Salesman. He used to tell me Indian Film Industry has no future. I should get a job with a future. Ironic how that turned out"

I said, "Hang on! That's my grand father. We called him Pat. Its funny that you would abbreviate Ganpatrao to Gap. Its so British of you. How typical of you colonial subjects to go with British idioms. We chose the more American way. Its just so modern and cool. We called him Pat! Its funny that you are friends with him. What a small world! What a coincidence. What's more funny is that in spite of you being a major film star, in spite living in the same city, in spite of being such close friends you never 'touched base' in the last forty years. One would expect people who have endured the trauma of partition to huddle together as only they know their sorrows."

Dev saab lamented albeit dismissively, "Yeah, I mean - I should have called. These days I just don't find time to call man. Its just so busy. Capitalism and all that. No time for friends"

I said, "I hear you. We have so much studying to do. We hardly find time to talk to our parents."

Dev saab said, "That's why I called you here. The moment I saw you, I knew you were Gap's grandson. I have called you here to give you this chocolate. To tell you, I remember"

He remembered. Dev saab remembered us. He remembered my grandpa, he remembered our family and he had enough compassion and consideration for a six year old boy. He was a people person. He brought people together.

Now, this entire story about Dev Saab is false. But whats more important is what it tells us about him.

I am Food

2011-11-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

Is it me or do I see thousands of people with hats and t-shirts that say - "I am food" - मैं अन्न हूँ, around a man who is fasting unto death.

Isn't it strangely ironic?

By the way, there is a fucking 'ण' in Hindi. Like in "आमरण उपोषण" ("Fast unto death")
2 'ण's in that very term.

Ramblings

2011-11-09T16:37:00.001-08:00

I just got an email from Dell Computers where they addressed me as "Hey Beautiful" Some corporations seem to take their personhood too seriously. Now I don't mind being complimented by an abstract inanimate organizational entity on my physical beauty but I would prefer if they would substantiate their admiration with stock options.

The Islamic Hijab is quite an excellent head gear choice for balding men. It's cool, progressive and fashionable.

It was said:
Needlessly Patronizing Radio
Nauseously Patrician Rhetoric
Non-Partisan Reprimand
NonPartisan Regards
Needlessly Pandering the Right
Nongovernmental Policy Rationale
Nongovernmental Policy Resonance
Nasal Parrot-like Rants

KP: Dissing on national public radio?
It was said: No, one Mr. Nirav P. Rathod
KP - yaa i heard about him..he was wanted by the police for "Nostagically Pissing Radiation" and yes, the cops did not care about the radiation, but they were pretty pissed about the error in the spelling

It was said - "D00d I just managed to convince a friend that Times Square was first in Los Angeles and then they moved it to New York."

"D00D, if you have ever taken time out to clean someone elses [sic] clock, then u do have a lot of time on your hands" -

Ah, Gaddafi is dead. I remember the days when we were kids, Uncle Gaddafi would summon all the neighbourhood kids to the court, the Badminton court and teach us the perfect way of playing badminton.

He used to insist on a long warm up session, stretching and running. "Stamina!", he said, "Stamina! my friend is the most important thing in the art of Painting" and we would be confused why he was talking about painting when he was teaching us Badminton.

And now he is no more....

I think I might have confused the murdered Libyan dictator and international criminal, Colonel Gaddafi with an uncle from Malleshwaram, Bangalore.

News on Ravi Shankar's website:

"February 22, 2011. Ravi Shankar's younger daughter Anoushka Shankar gave birth to a healthy boy, Zubin Shankar Wright. Both, the father and the mother are doing well."

Father? Who cares about the father after childbirth?

Can the characters of Jim and Pam in the NBC show, "The Office" somehow be terminated? I am not saying that has be by means of a gruesome double homicide, horrendous accident or random office shootout (that is for you to say) They can however go for a long long vacation somewhere to the geographically antipodal place to Scranton, PA? Is a terrible divorce between the characters or downsizing in these times of high unemployment too much to ask for?

Been singing the Heart song, "Magic Man" all day long. Except that I am making it politically correct by replacing every instance of "man" with "person", "mama" with "parent" and "he" with "he/she". Also singing it in a very strong Indian accent replete with retroflexes and V/W ambiguity. Why, you ask? Cos that's how I freakin roll mofo.

When I first came to America ...

2011-11-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

When I first came to America, I thought that every city had a very skewed street which intersects with other streets every few blocks and for some racist reason they name this street after a Chinese diplomat called "Ped Xing"- the Ped Xing street.

I observed that people "jaywalked" on this Ped Xing street and occasionally it had a zebra crossing along itself rather than across it. I went to Chinatown and there was no Ped Xing street there. Surely, I thought, these Sinophobes hate this guy - Ped Xing - out here in America.

I asked a Chinese American what it means in Chinese. He said to me, "First of all I am not Chinese, I am white and secondly, it means Pedestrian Crossing" and I said to myself - "Wow! even white people are made in China these days. Surely they are taking over"

When I first came to America, whenever the clerk at the grocery store asked me - "Debit or Credit ?", I thought I had the choice of crediting the amount to my account. I always opted for 'Credit'.

Indology vs Urology

2011-11-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

UCLA, in this day and age, has a Philip Roth School of Indology
where researchers, mostly people of European origin, study the culture, history and languages of the Indian subcontinent.

To allay suspicions of having a euro-centric, orientalist worldview reminiscent of the racist, colonial 19th century,
the University decided to build, right next to The Stanley Wolpert School of Indology, the Sanjay Gupta Department of Urology,
where physicians, mostly people of Indian origin, study the human urinary tract.

This prompted critics, mostly people of British origin, to wonder if UCLA was 'taking a piss'.

Now, this entire story is NOT TRUE. But what is true is what it tells us about UCLA.

Wisdom II

2011-11-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

Part II of Wisdom

"Religion is the opium of the people" Except perhaps in Afghanistan . In Afghanistan, Opium is the opium of the people, being - as it is - the biggest producer of Opium in the world.

"Pot calling the Kettle black" Now, I am not sure if, to me as a person of color, the primary problem with the Pot's criticism of the Kettle is - its hypocrisy.

1000 monkeys typing for 1000 years may not generate Shakespeare, but at least we may get the screenplay for Transformers 4

All roads lead to Rome. If you are in Rome though, you are kind of fucked.

I read a quarter page ad in a daily with a very high circulation that said - "Penis mighter than sword" an ad for a sexual enhancement product.

I recently learned that "A good man is hard to find" is a legitimate proverb. That is by far the worst coined proved I have heard of. Why not have proverbs that go - "One should not procrastinate" or "Be satisfied with what you have" and not bother getting in to figurative language.
Since when did explicit commonplace whining become proverbs? 1918 apparently. Thats when.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/proverbs.html

"Accidents will happen" it seems that's a proverb http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/116900.html
"Meaning: The meaning of this proverb is self evident" Well then its not much of a proverb, is it?

"Love thy neighbour [sic] thyself" but make sure gloves are okay.

"Speak softly and carry a big stick". Its not good advice to give to people who are entrusted with the job of riding cattle-drawn carriages
I don't think cattle respond well to softly spoken words

Marry in haste, repent at leisure and make up with dumb proverbs and anti-woman jokes.

Many a true word is spoken in jest. The rest are spoken in all seriousness and in archaic language. I am just kidding!

The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep is sick. Why does a sheikh have a sheep? Sheep aren't meant to live in the hot climes of arabia.
But may be the sheik is a Palestinian refuguee living in Australia, in which case I wonder why he is not sick.
or may be he is and he gave the sheep the sickness. Is monitoring these delinquent immigrant sheikhs [racism alert!] and their flocks?. No wonder it is sick.
Or maybe the sheep is just sick of the sheikh. May be its seeking citizensheep.

Early bird that catches the worm. Ring worm. Never reach early.

All's well that ends well. That kind of redefinition of wellness is almost tautologous.

Strike while the iron is hot. Strike the iron, that is not something else. For there is no point otherwise in waiting or heating.

Strike while the iron is hot. What did the working class do before the invention of the electric iron?

Some popular myths about India

2010-12-26T16:58:00.000-08:00

The following are some popular myths about India. Some of them have some basis in reality while the others are blatantly false.
------------------------------------------------------------------
In India, tying shoe laces in public is considered partial nudity.

The ancient Indian tea ritual, practiced every 11th day of the lunar month entails the following: The female members of the family serve tea (without milk) to male members while they are seated. The women then are explicitly and ritually asked to "Fuck Off" in Sanskrit (Hindu households), in Persian (in Muslim households), in English (in Christian households, that's why it's more fun in Xtian households), in Punjabi (in Sikh households). Those are the only languages allowed. The women go out leaving men and male children alone. Then, once-born female servants bring hot milk and put it per the customized and memorized taste of each male member. Then they are ritually kicked on their behinds (though this is only considered symbolic). The male members dance around the tea singing "Hallelujah" and then they bathe themselves in mildly hot tea and say, "Hari Om". It is considered to be a bad omen if the tea is sipped, drunk or even accidentally tasted.

In India, elephants are considered good luck. Therefore, when an elephant appears on the street (yes those bastiges just appear out of nowhere. That's why they are magical) people immediately stop what they are doing and sing a hymn to the elephant in the local language of the area. This song was copied by Elvis Presley in the '50s and was a massive hit under the name "I can't help ..."

In India, the word the word for crow loosely translates to "dragon". That's why whenever you see dragonflies and crows at the same time, they say "See the dragons fly with the dragonflies" If you chant this in Sanskrit 500 times, it's considered to be a 'sure shot' - yes, 'sure shot' - entry to heaven.

In India, hairy ears are a sign of wisdom, which is why you will see kids and adults alike deferring to the suggestions from a man with hairy ears in case of a problem. Note that this is only applicable to men. Women with hairy ears are considered freaks of nature.

In India, in some northern parts - because women are usually taller than men - men wear high heels, women roam around barefoot. That's why when a girl is considered for a marital alliance, she is supposed to show her feet and only women with thick strong calluses are preferred. "A woman is known by her callus" is an old northern saying. Needless to say, MNCs have made note of this fact and callus-softening creams are marketed to men in those areas, contrary to what you'd expect otherwise.

In India, almost all teenage men are considered homosexual. Obviously, Modern Science (tm) tells us today that not all humans are homosexual. But if a man between the age of 12 - 20 does not hold hands with another man while walking on street, its considered rude.

In India, when one baby laughs, it is considered a good omen, but if two babies laugh simultaneously in the same room, then it is a sign of catastrophe. This is why more traditional Indians oppose the modern practice of putting all new born babies in the same room after delivery, "just in case" they all start laughing, for you never know what those little bastages can do.

In India, Dams are considered Temples of Modernity that's why "I'd be damned" or "Damn it" is considered a positive thing. Yes 'positive thing'.

In India, in 'uneducated rural parts', white people are considered to be Gods from Heaven because of their appearance and because white people are so beautiful. Yes, all of them. So if you are white and go to an Indian village, they might anoint you by bathing you with milk, give their babies in to your hands and ask you to touch their head or hold your feet and not leave. Don't be alarmed, its a good thing and a sign of endearment, respect and deification. This practice has injured a few people of European, East Asian origin. But that's because they panicked.

Always remember Indians are more scared of you than you are of them. Don't do anything that might irk them. They are, after all, wild.

On the contrary, if they think you are an Arab, Persian, Kurd or Turkish, they might pelt you with stones and lynch you. Since most Indians can not tell the difference between Europeans and Middle Easterners, it's safe to color your hair blond and wear blue lenses when you roam out in public in India. That is considered the primary reason why the Portuguese and Spanish could never establish permanent colonies in India - their melanochroi appearance.

Most Indians can not swim.

Ghee inhibits the natural water-resistant nature of human skin, so Indians will die if they are under water for long periods of time. This is why Indians generally bathe very fast.

It is believed in India that a child who is not taught arithmetic, invents his own number system.

In western India a barrel of water is considered as an emblem for male prostitution. A male prostitute who is his own agent is called a Barrel. That's when one says "from the barrel of a gun" to children in Western India they shy away or give mischievous smiles.

It can also be considered sexual solicitation. Don't ever use the phrase in front of children, women or men, lest they think you are a male prostitute (even if you a woman).

It is well known that Indians prefer lighter skin tones, but many do not know the origins of this preference. Indians know instinctively that white bodies are poor absorbers of radiant heat. This knowledge is in their blood. That's why they prefer people with lighter skin, because their core body temperature is more stable and can better withstand the harsh, tropical sun.

An old practice of Indians that is currently in danger of extinction is the practice of using their nose to chop vegetables and fruits. This is why the phrase "nose cut" is used by children to disparage those of an older generation.

In India, winking with the left eye is considered an acceptable friendly gesture while winking with the right eye is lascivious.

Indians, being generally argumentative, can easily be incited to fight amongst each other. Indeed, the easiest way to make two Indians come to blows is to tell one that the other refused to acknowledge mangoes as the king of all fruits.

A lot of conspiracy theorists believe the main reason for the wars between India and Pakistan are because of their difference over whether the Pomegranate or the Mango is the King of fruits. Indians take their fruits seriously.

Indians discovered Malaria.

Indians also discovered swimming pools, the ampersand (&), nitrogen, coconut leaves, sand, and the Perl scripting language

An Indian astronomer by the name Bhargav propounded the first theory of gravitation where he correctly identified an inherent force of attraction between the heavenly bodies. This theory was discarded after he falsely predicted that the moon would soon fall to the earth in 30 years after the his discovery of gravitation. It did not but Bhargav is credited to have been the first known psychologist based on his introverted treatise. He is also the earliest documented case of lunacy. In fact it was because of Bhargava and his deluded beliefs in the moon fall that mental illness has been historically linked to the moon. That is why in India rationalists are considered to be lunatics and people laugh at you if you reason things out.

In some temples in India, it is mandatory for men to be topless unless they are very hairy. In that case, they are allowed to cover their upper body.

Flu is not allowed in India. It's just not allowed, don't ask why. Indians don't get flu unless they are in a foreign country. If you are visiting India, prepare to be laughed at or mocked in public if you claim to have the flu.

That's why a common derogatory term for foreigners in India is "flu-shot". "Big-shots and their flu-shots" an expression to condemn nefarious connections between business elites and multinational corporations.

On the other hand, the common cold is revered in India. If you are suffering from the Common Cold, more specifically from a stuffed nose, be prepared to be treated with reverence.

Common Cold is considered to maintain immunity in children hence its also commonly known as "Come On! Cold".

In the southern states there are special athletic events purely for athletes suffering from Common cold. Athletes try hard to induce cold before the event lest they should be disqualified. It is considered a great honor to represent your city/town in the Come On! Cold Olympics.

Some communities in India have yet not discovered the causality between sexual intercourse and human procreation. In these communities, the members insist that the woman's ancestors' spirit take over the womb and a child is born. The man is believed to have no part in this process. The concept of Fatherhood as understood by "us" does not exist. Christian missionaries hence find it very hard to convert these people, because they do not understand what a male deity is doing creating the universe and why we are his children and why is he anything but just someone who hangs around their mother and, at times, plays cricket with them.

Also, sex is no big deal and free love is encouraged. Women marry partners when they get bored of sleeping around.

Indians often lapse into making unintelligible noises in the presence of foreigners. Don't be alarmed; they are only doing this to confuse you and amuse themselves. Even they cannot understand what they are saying to each other. As soon as the foreigners are absent, they start talking in one or more of the following : Queen's English, Classical Sanskrit, Persian (Dari) or Latin.

Indians actually have no language. India has never had language. Language was given to Indians by foreign invaders.

India is not very Spanish friendly. A simple example - In India talwaar is a type of sword and salwaar is an article of clothing. Stupid spanish people came to India with their stupid lisp and asked for one and got the other instead. Since the Indian sword is very power [sic] they died instantly.

In India the roman letter "w" is known as "Double v"

Every Indian is actually lefthanded , but society forces him to be right handed

Contrary to popular European propaganda India was discovered in 1954 by the Chinese traveler 'Far In' seeking asylum in exotic lands to escape from the atrocities of the Cultural Revolution. He thought he had reached Birmingham but had in fact reached Punjabibaag, Delhi. He called the natives of India, Indians after the British Asian community of England.

Indians, until recent times, did not consume food, preferring to absorb nutrients directly from soil (hence preponderance of 'barefootism') and through 'zoophotosynthesis.' In an attempt to integrate with the rest of the world, Indians invented Indian Food (tm) quite recently, which is why it is rated the Best Food in the World.

The British can't speak English. Indians speak better English than the English, the Americans and all the English speaking world.

Indians invented English in 1658. Later their creations attained self-awareness and proceeded to colonize India. This is the inspiration for the movie "Terminator".

Regards,

BV and PM

PS: Did you know that 30% of all Indians are born on July 5th?

I Gregor

2010-12-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to Chacha Aurangzeb(TM), Shahenshah-e-Hind! (Al-Sultan al-Azam wal Khaqan al-Mukarram Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhy-ud-Din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I, Badshah Ghazi, Shahanshah-e-Sultanat-ul-Hindiya Wal Mughaliya)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed , in his bed, to his bed, proving that a parable where a bed is an anthropomorphic character essentially has to avoid references to the characters indulging in the human activity of sleep and - worse - sexual intercourse, for it will be weird and perhaps more Kafkaesque than Kafka.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a lazy bum who had woken up late and would have to call up work and call in "sick" like a lying fool (ah dhang you).

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a mechanical apparatus with the ability to change from a humanoid appearance to a big truck. Sadly (for him), Megan Fox was not in bed with him.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the poorly conceived teenage wizard character - Harry Potter, that it was 21st century Europe and his story - at best rubbish and at worst rabidly reactionary - constitutes 'literature' in this day and age. "Surely," he said to himself, "these are the last days of Western Civilization" and he went back to sleep.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he started up his laptop and navigated to http://puppymanohar.blogspot.com/, which is what you should do too to calm your central nervous system.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he thought it would serve as an excellent opening line for a story, and began to write it down.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a person who cared more about waking up than transforming, so he got out of bed and proceeded to brush his teeth.

When Gregor Samsa awoke it was night and he realized it was KP writing this missing the point entirely. But whats the point? I ask you, O reader.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a bedsheet. But aaah, what's this? Gregor Samsa wasn't in his bed last night, because he spent the night at an attractive lady's house. The writer seems to be very confused.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a CC TV Camera focused at the table in the corner of the room and said to himself, "Ah how the tables have turned"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a sheet of aluminium (aluminum for Americans) and he said to himself "Curses, foiled again!" (ah dhang you)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a vermin. Now he is a TED speaker who is scheduled to give a rubbish inspirational sounding - but really patronizing - speech about his metamorphosis and the video is shared on the internet under the title "Every Indian must watch"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Tom Friedman. "Ah what a vermin I have become" he exclaimed to himself as he jumped to his death from his Manhattan high-rise apartment. An unrelated observer recorded this on his cellphone camera and uploaded it to youtube with the title "Every Indian Must Watch This!!!!!111[sic]"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the Moon on a Stick, and Xida was finally happy, for thats what he wanted. He wanted the Moon on a Stick!

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to 'Cake Aur Samosa' and they all laughed because silly puns and mockery of other cultures and people is what constitutes humor in the subcontinent.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed to the frequency domain, and that's how he lived the rest of his live, as a little pulse at 456 Hz, with only his harmonics as company.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Chandler, characters of the mega popular American sitcom "Friends". The audience was shocked and discombobulated at the odd but contemplative and seemingly poignant turn the otherwise frivolous and tactless comic vehicle had taken. There was an uneasy silence in the audience. The 3-minute deadline for canned manic laughter from the audience had passed. It seemed like "Friends" was subverting established form.....and then Joey entered the room dressed as a 20th century middle class Jewish Czech German speaking girl and said "Wie geht es dir?", the subtitles went "How ya doin" and the audience was hysterical. It was the best FRIENDS episode ever.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself being inappropriately touched by an entomologist on National television.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself on Bugzilla with the label "REOPENED" stamped on his forehead in red.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself watched in suspended animation at a break point waiting for an F8.

Regards,

BV and PM.

PS: This post was brought to you by Regular Expressions (TM) -- making it easier to extract posts from chat archives since the 20th century.

The above is a message from the RegEx Advocacy Group -- a non-profit organization

Wisdom

2010-12-11T08:53:00.000-08:00

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, which is why normal people take off the crown before going to sleep.

A hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, which is why it is so fucked up. A hand is ruling the world, just a hand - no body, no brain. (ah dhang you)

If you see a severed hand, know your ruler.

Look before you leap. Preferably use the same principle for walking, running, sprinting or merely standing haplessly doing nothing. Always look. Better safe than sorry.

He who laughs least, laughs last or may be you need to change your style of comedy.

He who laughs least laughs last, He who laughs last laughs loudest, He who laughs loudest laughs best. Hence he who laughs least laughs best. I.e Please don't laugh.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Or may be the Angels are just afraid of being thought of as fools.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. It is interesting that they go to the same gym. May be fools are training for a marathon. That says a lot about marathon runners.

A bad workman blames his tools. A good workman blames his compensation package. The best workman blames the modern capitalist system. Viva la Revolucion

You can fool some people all the time and all people some of the time but you can't fool all people all the time. I don't know who said this first. Almost everyone agrees with it. What if it's not true?

Make hay while the sun shines, in your sky that is. The sun is actually always shining; it's a star.

A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in space saves face.
A stitch on an open wound can save your life.
You decide which is more important

A stitch in time saves nine. 0 marks. No units. Don't say it's understood. You still have to write the units.

All is fair in love and war. And Nazi Germany.

Never hit a man with glasses. Fists are usually more effective.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others. Who the fuck lives in glass houses?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately only plants live in glass houses and they don't throw stones at others.
And they haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet, those bastages.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others and more importantly should not throw stones at their own house or throw stones so high that they might fall or ricochet. They should gently roll the stones if they so desire a translation of stones. This has the added advantage of making sure the stone doesn't gather any moss.

Also, that does not mean people who do not live in glass houses can throw stones at other willy nilly. A stone when thrown back at you still can hurt you if not your house.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop. By that token, is an occupied mind the devil's vacation villa?

I'm sure the devil blames his tools for an unsubstantial magnitude of work at his workshop. That's not because he is a bad workman -- the human cranial cavity is just not the right space for a workshop

God helps them who help themselves. Does that mean God is helping himself?

All that glitters is not gold, but it is still worth something in the pawnshop.

All that glitters is not gold but all that glitters and has a density of 19.30 g/cm−3, melts at 1064.18 °C, is definitely Gold.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, unless you write the name on a stick or stone and then hit me with it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Unless the names are on the boxing bout chart and it includes your name.

Time and Tide waits for no man. It's too bad time does not wait for no man. Who the fuck cares about tide?

Time and tide waits for "NO!", man. That's all Time and Tide want to hear -- "NO!". They are like dogs that way

It takes two hands to clap but one is enough to punch.

It's wonderful to watch birds in flight but don't stare up for too long for one of them is bound to defecate in your eyes.

A pat on someone else's back is better than a foot up your ass but a foot up your ass is better than a yard up your ass, depending on the substance and at what stage of assimilation it is in your small intestine.

Power corrupts, but energy doesn't. Since energy is merely power over a large amount of time, it's ok to have power.

A stitch in time saves nine, but it would have saved much more if the English language had a number that rhymes with time that is larger than nine. If this proverb was constructed in an ancient language that had a word for time that rhymed with the word for infinity then a stitch in time would have saved more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, except if you are looking at it through rose-tinted glasses.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, because lunches are generally imprisoned by their containers.

A sword turned in to a plough can still inflict fatal wounds.

You can not write on a slate with a ball point pen.

God does not play carrom board with the universe, even though both have black holes.

The Key and the Land Lock

2010-11-20T17:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

Isn't it remarkable that inclusion of Tur key unlocks the landlocked Caucasian nations?

Baby V.

Words of Wisdom

2010-11-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby V,

Perhaps if more people were fucking idiots, they would stop being ignorant wankers.

Think about it.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Kindle

2010-11-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

If Kindle is the "Reader", what am I ?

Never break wind on a twice born

2010-10-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

"282. [If out of arrogance] he breaks wind (against [a superior]), [the king shall cause] the anus [to be chopped off]."

http://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/manu/manu08.htm

Also for the interested:

281. A low-caste man who tries to place himself on the same seat with a man of a high caste, shall be branded on his hip and be banished, or (the king) shall cause his buttock to be gashed.

What that means is that I searched through the whole corpus of Manusmriti with the word "buttocks", "anus", "break() wind"

There are plenty more and if you ever tell this to anyone, you bastards, don't forget who told you this.

Familiarity

2010-09-27T18:22:00.001-07:00

When I first read the dictum,
"Familiarity breeds contempt"
I said to myself, "Wow! What a pithy saying!"

Then I read it again.
Now I have nothing but contempt for it.

B - our liar jets

2010-09-22T16:42:00.000-07:00

____________________
Dear Puppy Manohar

"Eat, Pray, Love" is NOT a BBC Documentary narrated by David Attenborough about the Praying Mantis. Though that would have been more interesting.

Baby V
____________________

Dear Baby V

Ah see what you did there Baby V, is you confused a Hollywood movie with an as yet unreleased BBC Documentary chronicling the lives of anthropomorphic mantisis (mantii?) called "Beat, Prey, Laugh".)

Puppy Manohar

____________________

Dear Puppy Manohar

There is an ongoing persecution of natural documentary makers in America. You just can't talk about insects on TV and you can forget about showing mating behaviors of insects (it's political correctness gone mad).

Consequently, what the film...makers have done is metaphorically tr......ied to spread the message about the natural behavior of mantis through the allegorical tale of a woman.

Its actually an arthropomorphic tale which represents insects through the unusual medium of feel-good-orientalist-coming-of-age-vacuously-edifying (european) human drama.

Like all Julia Roberts movies. Yes, including Notting Hill which you loved. They are all encrypted stories talking about mating patterns of insects, a message that just won't be ever televised (much like the revolution)

arthropodo-morphic? Also - think about it yaar! Its a tale about metamorphosis - Insect! its a tale about vegetarianism - Insect! its about preying - Insect! There is more to the story than it shows. Its clearly a arthropodological metaphor.......

Its inspired by "Metamorphosis" but minus all that is Kafkaesque in it.

Eat, Pray , Love - Praying Mantis
Notting Hill - Ants ( - Ant hill)
Fireflies in the Garden - well, ...
The Mexican - the mexican honey wasp.

All this while you thought she was all but your regular Hollywood celebrity next door, she was actually an agent and an apparatchik for the take over of Insects over human world.

Baby V

____________________

When the sun comes down on the Santa Monica Boulevard

2010-09-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

"Thank you God!", I screamed earnestly, "Thank you for making man and giving him this beautiful, bright, sunny day in Southern California. A perfect day to shop, to go to the beach, swim in the ocean and get tanned" Then suddenly it occurred to me, "Hang on, I am an atheist, communist, Indian woman who lives in Mumbai and who can't swim, what am I talking about and whom am I talking to?" and then I got off the bus err.

Towelhead

2010-09-04T23:37:00.001-07:00

Towelhead : Subject unknown

Dear Baby V,

One day, during the course of my travels, I came across this young man who was unorthodox in his choice of headgear. I was compelled by the scene to take a photograph without the young man's knowledge and I have reproduced it above. Let me clarify that this gentleman was clearly not of North West Indic descent, and therefore had no religious obligation to cover his head in the above manner. He seemed to be a Chinese youth, but that is not visible in the photo, only that he is covering his head with a towel.

Why would one get in a public bus attired thus? Was he trying to make a statement? Was this some sort of Pan-Asian Solidarity Stunt, where he is proclaiming that "we are all towelheads" as a reaction to racist rhetoric? Was he trying to appropriate for himself the label "towelhead", seeing as he was literally wearing a towel, and not a turban?

No one will know the true motives of this young man, but we have photographic evidence of his existence. Whatever his reasons may be, let us all appreciate the courage of the anonymous towelhead, for it takes guts to go out in public dressed that way.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: And then I got off the bus... err...

Always Remember

2010-08-19T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby V,

Always remember :

You cannot spell patriot without RIOT.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Life is a box of chocolates

2010-08-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I tell her, "So are parents"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get. Unless of course you go online and browse the catalog and select the ones you want. Then you know"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." which is ironic because Cadbury has a brand of chocolate which they advertise as being "a box full of life"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." and then she quizzed me, "Tell me if that was a simile or a metaphor and you can have this box of chocolates". I insisted that it was None, although it looked like a simile, it was only a bad metaphor. I never got it right. Such is Life.

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But I ate it all up and now the box is empty. And so are our lives. (-Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." So I bought the box and it turned out to be the DVD Set of "Life", the BBC nature documentary series. Aaah! How right Mama was. I still want my chocolates, BBC!

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." So I bought the box and pair of cute twin Terriers came out. My mama had named them Chocolates. No i did not eat them. Mama did. (- Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I told her, "Mama, I understand that you need to make a sweet, edifying simile but I didn't really get it" She said, "Ah! I never know what you're gonna get"

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But she did not believe in the ill effects of global warming, just like so many other "educated" people. Now those chocolates have melted. Just l...ike our lives will. I am melting as i ty...drip (- Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But then they came out with "Death By Chocolate". No one had time to respond.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_by_Chocolate (- Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I asked her, "Mom?" She said, "Yes son" I asked her, "Why are we talking in English?" She said, "Well son, you'll know when you grow up"
28 Years Old I was! I was 28!

The Ballad of Manav and Anamika

2010-07-26T00:23:00.000-07:00

Once Mr. Manav Tautolopadhyay and Ms. Anamika Post Modernkar met at a birthday party.

Manav: "Hi I am Manav",
Anamika: "Oh yeah, so am I, but what's your name?"
Manav: "No my name is Manav, what's your name?"
Anamika: "I am Anamika"
Manav: "You have no name?"
Anamika: "No, that's my name"
Manav: "So you do have a name, how are you,[sic] Anamika [then]?"
Anamika: "If you are Manav, then you don't have a name either. I am very well thank you"

...and they lived anonymously ever after...

[Subtitles]
Human: "Hi I am Human"
Anonymous: "Oh yeah, so am I, but what's your name?"
Human: "No my name is Human, what's your name?"
Anonymous: "I am Anonymous"
Human: "You have no name?"
Anonymous: "No, that's my name"
Human: "So you do have a name, how are you,[sic] Anonymous [then]?"
Anonymous: "If you are Human, then you don't have a name either. I am very well thank you"

Discovering Computers

2010-06-17T15:56:00.001-07:00

If all human memory of the science of electronic memorizing and processing of data (i.e computing) was erased and instead this human memory was backed up in form of electronic memory and hidden somewhere in the universe, the memory of the location having been erased, are we astute enough to hide it from ourselves and would we discover computing before inventing it?

The words are yours, the meaning mine.

2010-06-17T02:09:00.001-07:00

Who the hell is the poet to tell me what it means?
She lost the meaning the moment I read the words.
The words are hers, the meaning - mine.
The meaning is mine until they read them.
After that, the only the words I wrote are mine,
I have lost the meaning too.
That is the cost of expression.

Incoming Free on Nature's call

2010-06-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Puppy Manohar told me that in Sweet-Ger-land, they take money from you if you wish to visit the lavatory. It occurred to Puppy Manohar that for nature's call, incoming should be free.

It occurred to me that it would be only good business acumen to let latrinists in without charge and not let them out unless they pay. This way you can also negotiate the price depending on their desperation. That's not unfair nor violation of rights. Its only good business.

Baby V

I'll be there for you

2010-06-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

..in which Chandler gets so catastrophically
drunk that he barges in to Ross's apartment, then repeatedly anally rapes him and
pushes him in the corner and whispers in to his scared ears,
"This is how I feel every night when I sleep with your sister"
The audience is tensed and silent.

Then Joey enters the room and says, "How ya doin!"
and the audience laughs hysterically. Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

..in which a cat is stuck on the subway rails, with sad eyes looking at the camera as if pleading to be saved. The audience goes "AWWWWWWWWW"
and then Phoebe tries to save the cat while suddenly unexpectedly the train rushes through the tracks hitting both Phoebe and the cat.
Their frightened decapitated heads fly through the New York skyline with blood dripping on the faces of little crying children in a tragic slow motion shot.
The audience is shocked and silent.

Then Joey comes out of the motorman's room wearing the Motorman's hat
and says, "How ya doin!"
and the audience laughs hysterically. Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

...in which they have shown a kind of post-apocalyptic, post-nuclear holocaust world where all mankind is extinct, all civilization has vaporized, all is lost except the Geller siblings - Monica and Ross, the only survivors.

They are posed with the intellectual dilemma - on one side
the apparently instinctive but really intellectual responsibility
of re-populating the world and propagating their human DNA
on the other hand the apparently instinctive but really intellectual
taboo of incest. On one hand the futility of trying to perpetuate the
evidently worthless human species which has already destroyed itself and the planet and on the other, the futility of re-populating the planet with characters like Ross and Monica - illconcieved, unrealistic, shallow, whose traits have been naturally selected from previously popular sitcoms and the lusty whims of insane studio executives and yet existing purely to keep a maddened Americanized generation psychosexually captivated, spell bound in their avaracious lifestyles that has destroyed everything.

Monica manicly cleans the human waste around her- the cleanliness freak that she is. Eternally punished to rectify the wrongs of a suicidal civilization - like the good woman 'the gatherer' as many MCP Darwinists believe a woman should be. Ross cries like a mad man mourning for the lack of a lover scavenging through the wasteland thriving on the meat of old lovers - the good hunter that a man should be.

They soon realize that all this does NOT matter.
It doesn't matter if humans go on.
It doesn't matter if they think human life has a purpose or is pointless.
It doesn't matter if a trillion years of life on the planet was just a meaningless
blink of the eye of the Universe...

What really matters is that ANOTHER season of FRIENDS must go on...

The audience applauds. All FRIENDS fans are happy to know that another FRIENDS season will be released.

But its not so simple, Ross and Monica can not make love. In spite of getting over
their incest hangup, they are so physically repulsive on an absolute level. Their
personalities are so repugnant, their demeanor so disgusting that they just can not feel
attracted to each other...

The audience is tensed, no more FRIENDS....this is the last episode...?
IS this how it all ends!?

Then a mutant monkey losely resembling an erect hairless ape struggles through
the radioactive waste mumbling the words, "How ya doin!"

The audience is hysterical!
Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

regards
Baby Vaijayanti

Strong Accent

2010-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

My strong inaccessible accent saves me from exposing by biggest secret - most of the times even I don't know what I am talking.

Religion: Other, Caste: Pwner

2010-05-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Suresh Kumar

I am happy to inform you that the Indian Institute of Pwnage has considered your application in the above post and the panel of illustrious judges has decided to award you with the "Pwnage of the week" award.

For the next one week, you can proclaim yourself to be of the "Pwner" caste. You shall be considered for the permanent "Pwner" caste status. In the event, that you dine with or marry (unsanctioned copulation permitted) a person of lower caste, this privilege shall be revoked.

Kindly contact us for any more details. Your Pwnage Certificate and specially crafted twice-pwned thread shall be mailed to you soon.

regards,
Dr. Mrs. Sunil Thodomal, Phd.
1 800 JOINIIP
Learn how to Pwn! Let us PwN you!
Warning: Overexposure to Pwnage can lead to death or brain damage.

previously posted as an[sic] comment at:
http://englishtamil.blogspot.com/2008/11/caste-i-am-not-but-i-am.html

F.R.I.E.N.D.S aka Three Idiots

2010-05-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby V,

I had three friends: one girl and two boys. Let us now, for the purpose of simplicity, refer to the girl as F1 and the boys as F2 and F3.

F1 and F2 were a couple, at one point in time, until F1 got bored and cheated on F2 with F3. F2 found out and proceeded, with heavy heart, to dump F1. It was apparent, even then, that F1 and F2 still had feelings for each other.

The friends moved on in life, going their separate ways…

… until they met again, at F2's marriage function (ah dhang you). After a long time, F1, F2 and F3 were in the same room.

F1 is devastated and needs help.
F3 moves on, searches and "finds next",
while F2, to this day, is useless and serves no popular purpose.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Now Listening to : "Ebony and Ivory, living together in perfect harmony" (paraphrase)

Dead Body

2010-05-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

We have more claims to the corpse of a loved one than our own.
Now isn't that ironic?
No it isn't.
Isn't it tragic?
No it isn't, Irony is not for every body. Live with it.
Pun is. Laugh.
Deconstruction is the last refuge of the satirist.
That's why post-modern architectures look like refugee camps.

Ask not what

2010-05-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ask not what can your country do for you. Ask what kind of a cunt would redo a rhetorical speech endlessly to the point of cliche.

Ask not what can your country do for you. Ask what kind of a cunt would redo the same grammatical error of putting the verb before the object in indirect speech that he did when he was nine. Merely to make a silly pun on country-do. But was he wrong or can indirect speech be free? Wren and Martin, GFY'selves.

Sachin! Sachin!

2010-05-06T01:29:00.001-07:00

Was invited to this:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Give-Knighthood-to-Sachin-Tendulkar-Sir-Sachin-Tendulkar/361573232521

Its high time to knight Sachin Tendulkar, it seems. In fact, its high to abolish the British monarchy.

In response to the countless "Tendulkar is God" claims. Here is a BHAJAN dedicated to our God, Tendulkar. Apologies to the real Sachin Tendulkar, the person - this is unfair to you.

Tendulkar is God, but i'm an atheist so go f!@#! yourself
Tendulkar is God? He should be abolished then.
Tendulkar is God, that's why he drives around in a tax free ferrari through a city that has probably the largest urban slum in the world. that's just the kind of bastigery thing a god would do inni?
Tendulkar is God but he is your creation.
Tendulkar is God, poor tendulkar. He isn't that old, unfair, evil and bad at his job.
Tendulkar is God, lets commit genocides under his name.
Tendulkar is God, How many more centuries (ah dhang you) will it take before you let him go.
Tendulkar is God, I dont know whom I hate more, him or his fans?
Tendulkar is God, Just like God perhaps his fans are much bigger f!@#tards than he is.
Tendulkar is God, which is why people stop doing any sort of constructive activity that may benefit them or their families directly and instead spend their time gazing at a facsimile of him in a metal and plastic box.
Tendulkar is God and what are you? his messenger? okay now you have given the message. now fuck off.
Tendulkar is God and just like a good God, he will never help you win.
Tendulkar is God, the louder you sing his praise the bigger tit you are.
Tendulkar is God, the more you worship him the lesser your chances of getting laid.
Tendulkar is God, he is as good at the restaurant business as God is with his creation.
Tendulakr is God, Drink Pepsi and go to heaven (sooner)
Tendulkar is God, Awesome! Can't wait for him to retire.
Tendulkar is God. His fans are the primary culprits in making his game an indecent, pervert atrocity.
Tendulkar is God. "Who is saying that? I don't know brother" - Dr. Zakir Naik.

Freedom from expression

2010-04-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

Everytime I see a frivolous rubbish movie like most mainstream Indian
and American movies, I ask myself: Is this the freedom of expression that my- and your-
ancestors fought against and actively stifled for ages?

Now, I am not saying that _ollyWood should not be allowed to screen their insane brain-vomit and public relations spell on the unsuspecting audience. What I am saying is: Where is the Shiv Sena when you need it.

I was delighted recently to find the calculated and orchestrated spontaneous reaction of the Shiv Sena to the racist condescending pig ignorant drama of a strange Indian man with a mild speech impediment and unusually high intelligence to the point of being clairvoyant trying hard to pass of as an autistic person, an American Muslim and a loving father, that is called "My Name is Khan"

Although as usual, the Shiv Sena had to cloak their constitutional
penchant for violence and vandalism
with the false guise of narrowmindedness and religious intolerance
which although intellectually ambitious
by Shiv Sainik standards is certainly unconvincing to anyone who knows the Sena.

This made me realize that most critics of the Sena do not realize that
what the Shiv Sena did is in fact
a part of the Indian cinema experience. While the West is adding
spatial dimensions and
making movies 3D effectively spoiling the entire experience and making the movies shittier than they already are- as they did for Alice in
Wonderland, Indian cinema is adding metaphysical and cultural
dimensions like the ancient un-civilization
that we are.

They have been inspired by the ancient practise of making Huge
effigies of Ravana. Putting months of
efforts in it and then burning it. Or making Ganpati idols, the shrine
for them and then immersing them.
Now cinema has the cultural aspect of making a movie, ransacking the
theatres, burning the directors effigies,
having intellectually frivolous discussions and debates void of any
historical or sociological context.

And all this while the hapless innocent civilian desperately tries to stay away from the whole charade and struggles to stay clean from the defecation and pointless flatulence of the uncreative and frankly parasitic Indian elite.

This makes one demand for a new - "freedom from expression". Unfortunately,
even though I did not and do not
want to watch or be contaminated in any way by the shit movie, "My
name is Khan"
or
"Her name is Shweta" a movie about disabled girls which effectively mocks the disabled because the maker is a dick,
or
"Friendship hi Friendship mein" - exploring the topic of homosexuality with the categoric acceptance of the understanding that homosexuality is evil and unnatural and yet throwing a humane facade that is pitiful.
"Raag - the sun shines on him" a peculiarly reactionary tale of a prince who saves the whole fucking world with mystical powers
or "Punjabiyan di Shaan vakhri" - a typical Punjabi family - affluent, fashionable, having lots of servants and drinking lots of lassi, with lots of tractors, sugarcane plantations and getting the price for the crop they deserve. Go Green Revolution!
or "Nishvaas - Coming of age tale"- a Marathi movie which is automatically critically acclaimed almost for being Marathi and hence having actors that are "Theatrically trained". Though all these theatrically trained actors have in the past only done obnoxious loud roles involving cross dressing, "line marring youth" and the ridiculously silly yet overplayed character of the tolerant middle class man. Based in the rural atmosphere, made by a couple of Maharashtrian Brahmin boys who wear khadi, and can be found at Cafe Samovar.

I still am bombarded to the point of no escape with the trivia, debates,
discussions, criticism and review of the atrocity like Alex is forced to in Clockwork Orange.

"My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Although I am a fucking idiot"

regards
Baby V

Trying God

2010-04-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy

Today in moral science class Jean Paul was punished for saying something unheard of.

When a bunch of atheists argued against the existence of God, he suggested that there is no doubt in his mind that God exists. But, he argued, He is far from benevolent. He is certainly malicious and autocratic. Far from being loving and caring, He has only contempt for mankind (and sheer disdain for womankind).

He suggested that instead of prayer and obedience to his Word, human kind should in fact invade the Kingdom of Heaven, depose God and try Him and the entire Divine Party of Heaven for Crimes against Humanity like we do on Earth. Additionally, he said, as decent human beings we only owe it to our fellow beings that we liberate the tormenting souls in the concentration camps of Hell and try Satan and everyone else involved too for Crimes against Humanity.

I strongly disagree with Jean-Paul. I think God exists and he is loving and I love God. I will pray to Him to forgive Jean-Paul.

regards
Baby V.

Gora Saheb

2010-03-22T01:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

I hate to break this to you, but I have some declassified documents that make it certain. The British left India in 1947 but that was just a hogwash. They only left their physical presence because they need not have stayed here anymore. They had installed their best invention in us to the point of no return.

I was watching myself in the mirror and I realized there is a Gora Saheb in me. There is a Gora Saheb in all of us. He speaks out and takes full control of us at times.

There is no cure to this Acquired Gorasaheb Syndrome. I am not sure we need a cure for it. Its a part of a personality not necessarily a disorder. Thats what we are. But we are all Gora Saheb Positive. Especially the ones that can and do read this.

regards
Baby Vaijayanthi.
P.S: There is of course a black coolie in all of us too. Although I don't want to cure myself of the Gora Saheb virus, I do want to listen to the coolie more often.

Oh give me a home...

2010-03-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

When we were kids our school taught us to sing "Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam.." which is ironic for many reasons one of which is that we were "Indians" and not frontiersmen and other and more important was because the school was in Goregaon, where the sheer preponderance of Buffalo Sheds and "tabelas" meant that everyone in the school yearned to live in a land where there were NO buffaloes and prayed that they would be tied to their sheds and never roam. Of course... we soon had floods and all those buffaloes drowned and died.

For OBVIOUS REASONS

2010-02-11T23:48:00.000-08:00

A board outside the ill-managed sham of an Indian movie multiplex Naz 8 has the following friendly message on its gate in bold red letters "For obvious reasons, please do not bring in food, water, alcohol or cookies inside" ..No it isn't obvious at all.

The following are some OBVIOUSLY prohibitive and/or ludicrous things to take inside a film theatre:

1) your own Home Theatre, DVD player or TV.
2) electric guitar
3) 4 wheel vehicle
or even 2 wheel vehicle
(2 or 4 stroke engine)
4) a panda
5) a panda sitting on top of a 4 wheeled vehicle

Please comment with some other items that for OBVIOUS reasons should not be allowed in a Movie Theatre

Miyan ki Malhar

2010-02-11T23:46:00.000-08:00

An "enemy combatant" at Gitmo refused to admit his guilt. So they subjected him to Indian Musical Maestro Bhimsen Joshi's "Raag Miyan Malhar" in which Bhimsen sings "Karim tero naam" (Karm is your name) over and over again for hours whilst imrovising on every note. The prisoner finally accepted that he was Karim, a key Taliban figure.

He Job

2010-02-04T09:37:00.001-08:00

I once asked a French girl out and she rejected just because I was wearing a burkha. What a fascist! Systematic discrimination against men wearing the hijab.

On Mumbai

2010-02-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby V,

In light of several discussions that I have read on the internet in the recent past on the status of Mumbai (aka Bombay), I have proposed a simple solution. First, to those who know not to what I allude, a few links to statements made by some random people.

I propose, to put an end to the question of ownership of Mumbai, that it be evacuated of all human residents and be solely populated by canines. This is an effective solution because canines have no geographical constraints on their inter-canine relationships. A dog from Madurai is no more or less likely to mate with a dog from Ludhiana as compared to a dog from Jalandhar.

Also, an added bonus is that such commonly heard laments will come true:

Random uncle : Arre Bombay has really gone to the dogs

Jilted Lover : These females from Bombay are all bitches man.

Angsty Business Man: Man, it's really a dog's life in Mumbai.

The Beatles(™) of Bombay : It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog(™).

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: If links are broken, blame KP

PPS: Don't steal my identity, Baby V.

Jack of all trades

2010-02-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

An uncle once asked me rhetorically, "Beta, what's the point of playing ten different instruments if you haven't mastered one?" "Yes, like you have mastered the only one instrument you can play - your mouth"

The Chutiya Kingdom

2010-01-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Puppy M

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chutiya_Kingdom

What is striking about this bit of history is:

"The hostilities with the Ahoms began in 1376 when the Ahom king, Sutuphaa, was killed by the Chutiya king during a friendly encounter."

Friendly encounter, eh? who is the Chutiya now?

Baby Vaijayanthi
P.S: Please see the comment section.

My name is Khan

2010-01-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Although, I AM a fucking idiot.

Sur mila nahi kisiko

2010-01-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The post has offensive language and is in general unfair to poor undeserving celebrities. The author is a mad angry person and people who think its too unfair on the poor celebrities can go farg themselves. The author is nothing if not morally inconsistent to the point of borderline mental illness.

Acknowledgement: AIOTM (aiotm!)
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/as_it_occurs_to_me/

Listening to Phir Mile Sur Mera Tumhara, and here are some thoughts:

Trying to rejuvenate the memories by digging up graves and then pissing on them. Missing the point entirely, screaming and wriggling around madly like mutant monkeys.

Any way, I propose a new music video with representatives of LeT, CPI ML, PWG, Al Qaeda, Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal and such other extremist militants putting on their best traditional clothes and singing, "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara" interspersed with explosions and rifle fire. That too will be less of an atrocity than Zoom TV and Times of India's new cool sassy and sexy anthem for the new generation that will be largely ignored and almost unanimously hated.

Pardon my french but:
Sur mila hi nahi hai kisiko, sur milne do pehle aur phir humara aur tumhara sur milate hein.

Also loved SRK's expression where he is trying hard to fart out his unfound Sur from his behind. Wonder if it would have been better for national integrity if he would have died of a rare attack of anal thrombosis whilst trying to fart out the constipated 'sur' he was trying to integrate with the others'. That way this monstrosity would have been stopped and so would other horrible movies (but that would be a bonus. nation first).

Deepika Padukone could have sung in Konkani but she did not. She stuck to lingering around pointlessly in outrageous (not for their skimpiness but for their sheer ugliness) clothing at best incongruent to the ambience and lip-syncing in a strange incongruent language making the viewer wonder if it would have best for national integrity if she would have drowned in that river and thus preempted this doomed project which if any thing promotes thoughts of sedition and insurgency in young impressionable minds incensed by its lamery.

Or if the Kapoor boy, would have fallen off from the cliff while his crew members let him bleed to death whilst singing the national anthem and saluting him for his martyrdom, knowing fully well that his small sacrifice would save the young kids of the country from watching this incredible abomination.

Or if Amitabh Bachhan would have undergone a nervous break down and would subsequently only say, "Jao jake usse sign leke aao jisne mere haath par yeh likh diya tha" (text on his hands:- 'Im a cock juggling thunder-cunt') and other such old dialogues again and again and again for the rest of his life trying to recreate the magic he will NEVER ever be able to recreate. (I am not a fan. He is a cunt. Except ofcourse, deewar and sholay. and namak haram. and anand. and kala pathhar. and zameer. and zanjeer. aah who am i kidding. he is a cunt but he is my cunt. wait what?..)

Or if a 'Madrassi', yes thats right, I said 'Madrassi' rickshaw-wala would run over Surya whilst loudly playing "Aitalaka aitalaka" and angrily lambasting the crew members, "Vootla solta vantiya?" killing Surya instantly.

Or if Aishwarya Rai and Abhishekh Bachchan would shoot each other on screen whilst criticising each other for being vain, arrogant and lets face it quite visually repulsive and physically ugly by all but objective standards.

Or if Amjad Ali Khan would admit on record that he killed Ustad Ali Akbar Khan with the help of his talentless sons who might not be great musicians but certainly are prolific murderers.

Or if Shivkumar Sharma and his dick son would scream out, "Hum Kya Chahte? AZADI!" and then blow up the place proving that they were Hizbul Mujahideen operatives all along, provoking award winning journalist and fucking idiot Pranay Roy to say, "Didn't I tell you. All Kashmiris are terrorists" only to be given the Gujarat Gaurav Award for excellence in Journalism and service of cuntry [sic]

Or if the same speech impaired children would collectively come to the realization that together they were much stronger than the artificially fattened and genetically engineered Salman Khan and would then overpower him and cut off his tongue making him realize the hard way how wrong and offensive his dismal attempts at trying to mime a sign language. Leaving him more expression less than he already is.

Of if Ehsan and Loy would be caught on camera saying, "Look we are playing the same chord..and you know why? cos Indian Classical music is monotonous and uninteresting." creating a huge controversy with the Shiv Sena ransacking all Times of India offices for being agents of Western Culture devastating Bennett and Coleman company forcing the owners to penury putting an end to all that is bad in journalism.

Or if Zakir Hussain and his brother were to bully and beat up their younger brother for being the worst percussionist in the Allah Rakha family.

Or if Rashid Khan (the mustached guy clad in green who has a crooked face due to years of singing from his left cheek) were to publicly declare whilst on set "Hindustani music has no future, I got them blues" and start a crusade to once and for all destroy the North Indian Musical tradition that he thinks is humbug if anything.

Or if the 2 Kulkarni kids who are not married nor siblings but still look similar (because all Maharashtrians ultimately look the same! Yes thats right. I said it, all maharashtrian look the same. The educated ones try to hide it by using recently learnt GRE words, but whom are they kidding) If they were to make sweet sweet love on screen whilst being told by a woman who proclaims to be their mother (and in reality the mother of all that is maharashtrian solving the question that riddled scientists for centuries: why are all maharashtrians congruent) that they are but siblings. The proud mother, Mrs. Savitribai Kulkarni later proclaims, "It is but a small sacrifice for the Empire. The maratha empire. We want our empire back! R.S.S! R.S.S!"

Or if the Gujrathi guy whoever the farg he is says, "Screw India. I am going to the US! You guys suck!"

That would do much more for National Integrity and help preserve it than the atrocious facile monstrosity that is the Zoom TV's craftwork. This at best an insurgent propaganda and promotes hatred for ones country, its culture, its people and its diversity which it has described lamely and stupidly and at worst a contemptuous disdain for our merry childhood made by a bunch of talentless cunts who are trying to say, "Since we were not successful in raping you anally while you were still a kid, let us at least destroy your memories and puke on all that makes you nostalgic".

Happy Republic Day

for a few marx

2010-01-25T02:14:00.000-08:00

Religion is not an opiate of the masses. It is the fraudulent justification for complicity, association and/or submission to coercive exploitative authority. In that sense it is not an irrational whim of the human animal but a rational choice that a person makes based on dishonest reasoning, typically made to sooth ones conscience for not being brave enough to tackle the overwhelming fear and insecurities of living in an indecent society.

so fuck you, Marx.

This post is for Kpolit bureau members only. KPolit Bureau members are requested to back up and destroy this message on receipt.

Empty Vessels

2010-01-22T17:27:00.000-08:00

"Empty vessels make more noise". No they don't. A pressure cooker with water and potatoes and a mixie half filled with ginger, garlic, cilantro and peppers make much more noise than empty vessels. And they also make a good potato curry. So don't patronize me with your condescending culinary metaphors.

Q 6 B) Write an Autobiography of a License Agreement : (10 marks)

2010-01-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

Here I stand head in hand
Turned my face to the wall"
- John Lennon.

Though, I am probably the first text document you probably ever read when you installed your favourite Operating System, I am still unknown to you. No, I am not a driver, no I am not a installation manual, no I am not writing no so many times because I am pessimistic. This is because, my teacher cuts points if I don't pretend to be enigmatic in an autobiography. An exaggerated positive point of view (supported by exaggeratedly optimistic view points) can be found in my essay above Q 6 A) India, the super power of the 21st century ! ?.
I am a License Agreement. Not an ordinary one at that; I am the License Agreement of Windows. As nobody really remembers the time of his birth, I donot remember the place and circumstances under which I was born. (Authors note: I have never understood why all kids write this line is all autobiographies, is it the enigma of the process of birth or the futility of life prompted by over competitive exams) I had a very traumatic childhood as for as long as I remember my parents have always furnished me in court, where I have been interrogated ruthlessly, and been heavily debated to know whose side I take.
I am told I was born on an Apple Macintosh of Bill Gates.....
I have to rapidly finish this composition as time is short .... I had to write this essay very quickly...100 marks 180 minutes;10 marks : 18 minutes. And as usual , I cannot complete my paper..... so I will end this essay hastily adding some worthless comments to impart conituity.

I am sad as nobody has ever read me, they all say "I do" and then they never bother to peruse my contents. I wish there would be someone who would read me and sue my parents Microsoft, for taking their users for granted.

"He came, he saw
He haw He Haw"
- some other female blogger on blogspot

Ballad of Sir Sam

2010-01-14T14:09:00.001-08:00

Ballad of Sir Sam
Until thou indulge in oblivion fascination
Of Sexual gratification through self-stimulation
To all who hark, I shall tell a story
Words long lost in time, a tale so hoary

Once upon a time in the Scythian race
Was born a sage with a sarcastic face
A believer he was of devout image
But many had suffered of his eccentric rage

Sambrani Kumar he is known in the mundane world
Perish the world shall his wrath unfold
Bravely went once for the GRE test
To go to US where 'THEY' are at best

Amidst the test mother nature did call
He had to visit foremost of all
Shitting with pants is a difficult effort
So removed his pants and kept only his shirt

But when it came to wearing it back
The pant so promptly hung on the rack
The underwear rebelled and fell in the hole
The crap in the potty had taken its toll

Liberate me from this shit it cried
Lest for the god the mortal had died
In a manner only to a god shall befit
Sambrani put his industrious hands in it

Thus Sambrani the rocker with courage so scanty
Emancipated the troubled soul of his panty
Then shy of its hideous deed of treachery
The underwear couldnt show its face to the fairy
Liberate me my Lord of form so dainty
For thou are the only "savior of panty"
The witty Sambrani grasped the innuendo
And flung the panty out of the window

History has known and time will see
Even today if thou go for GRE
Can see this piece of lingerie
Blissful in freedom, Hanging on a tree

To end with we see sense is ephemeral
Alas, Not all stories have a moral
For wankers are those who found something to learn
Impotent they are who listen for fun

In praise of Idleness

2010-01-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

the evil worship of work,
the stupid cult of productivity
and the idiotic drama of professionalism
the scandalous criminalization of laziness
and the unnecessary guilt of procrastination
the foolish dream of greatness,
the silly pursuit of popularity,
the pointless mirage of ambition
and the hidieous doggerel of a career.

is what I told my fellow applicants to the same position that I wanted.
is what I always tell her, when she says she cant come out cos she has work.

The longest word

2010-01-05T00:01:00.001-08:00

"'Smiles' is the longest word in the English language, since there is a mile between the two 's'es" No it isn't. The word 'ass' can be much longer than a mile if written with a font large enough, in spite of there being nothing between the two 's'es. (so can lanyards, finches etc.)

Winter Soldier

2009-12-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

I ate a live fish. Something inside me just died.

My father is Polish, my mother is Turpentine. So trust me I am the best piece of furniture you will ever sit on.

Repetitions

2009-12-13T18:30:00.001-08:00

A: You have changed, you have.
B: Wait a minute. No, it seems you have. You are the one who is repeating "you have" like they did back in 17th century or something.
A: No you it is you. You do those things you do.
B: See again, you repeated "you do"
A: AAAAh! But this time it was not a redundant repetition. Sometimes you have to repeat words you have to.

And the joke is on ...

2009-12-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

I told my friend a joke and he asked me to look up the dictionary for the definition of a joke. It turns out "2. something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce" So technically.....oh! alas.

She said. She said

2009-12-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am black?"
She said, "No, its because you are bald"
So I got down from the chair and left the barber shop.

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am pink?"
She said, "No, its because you are bald"
So I got down from the chair and left the beautician's parlour/ parade.

She said, "No".
I asked her, "Is it because my ancestors are from Africa?"
She said "No, its cause you are bald. But wait, your ancestors are not African"
I said, "At some point they were. But wait, I am not bald".
She said, "Yes but at some point you will be"
So I quit my post as Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th President of the United States

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am brown?"
She said, "Yes that is it. Thats why"
So I quit being Dan Brown, the shittiest writer of the English Language.

Unclesariah

2009-12-10T17:51:00.000-08:00

An uncle once asked me, "Yes barkhuddar, what does your father do?" I told him, "Uncle, he minds his own business. How about you?"

Cha Cha Changes

2009-12-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

The bar tender said 5 bucks. I had a tenner so I asked her, "Do you want me instead?". She was visibly flustered. I don't understand- I was only trying to be the change I wanted to see.

Dynamic Religiosity at Run time

2009-11-16T02:00:00.001-08:00

Dear Puppy
Today for the first time in my life, I was asked to state my religion. Ofcourse, it was asked by a secular institution which has made it clear that it does not care about religion. The answer however was mandatory.

I wrote XNOR.

There is 1 fundamental principles of relgion XNOR.
1) If you are an X and you consider me an X, then I am an X.
2)

2 fundamental principles of relgion XNOR.
1) If you are an X and you consider me an X, then I am an X.
2) If you are an X and you consider me Y (where X!=Y), then I am not Y.
3)

Amongst the fundamental principles of relgion XNOR are
1) If you are an X and you consider me an X, then I am an X.
2) If you are an X and you consider me Y (where X!=Y), then I am not Y.
3) If I am X. I WILL criticize and deplore X (and only X)
and
4) I do not "believe in X".

and
5)

I am coming again...

So much for Siddharth

2009-11-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

Book List

2009-10-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

A list of books to be read :

"My Father, The Porcupine" by Pablo Industani
"Coconuts, Rassam and Bullockcarts - an Alternate History of Civilization" by Xida Lalvani
"The Engineer Who Bought a Bowl" - Mandy Karmarkar
"Like A Deflated Tire, The World Is Flat" by Ramesh Ramachandran

"Autobiography of a Swine - Memoirs of Jaggi Thackeral" - Juggy Thackeral
"Eureka Surekha - How I Discovered The Love of My Life" - Suresh Mantri
"Jesus, My Mexican Friend" by Rakesh Mehta
"Denouncing American Idolatry and Other Modern Pagan Practices" by James McArthur III

"Pass - A Quizzer's Tale" by Shankar Gnanam
"Agastya to Simran - A Historian's Look at Crosscultural Ties Between the North and South" - CS Ramachander Guha
"Secrets of Chettinad Cuisine" - Sheila Kapoor
"The Parktown Prawn and Other Pests" - Nelson Mandela

"Might is Right - A History of the Left Handed Peoples of the World" - Naeem Hussain
"Icon-o-caste - An Adventure Through the Indian Caste System" - Bipin Banerjee
"Freedom of XXXPression - A Pornographer's Tale" - Karan Jowhaar
"Paani - A photographic journey of Water" - Vaani Thackersay

"Charudatt - India's Harry Potter of the early 5th century BC" - Nilesh Parthasarthy
"Butane and the Beast - How to Properly Cook Wild Game" by Charles Krishnamurthy
"The Violet Cobra" - Kundan Shah
"Ostentation and Obsequity" - Shoma Ray
"Hamara Desh" by George W Busch

"Might and Mockery" - Soma Ray
"Waiting for Godot Part II - She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" - Shyam Bhagat
"Dead On Arrival - A Complete Anthology of 80's Power Ballads" - S. Sabari
"Porn OK Please - India's Battle with the Multimillion Dollar Porn Industry" - Shirish Khande

"Standing, Not Stairing - A Beginner's Guide to Elevators" - J. Ibrahim
"The Rise of Sexual Hedonism in 21st Century India" - Shobha De
"Hair Care Guide For Men" - Baal Thakre
"When Squirrels Stand Tall" - John McManaman
"Mi Muhammad Ali Jinnah Boltoy" - M.A.Jinnah

"Indian Muslims: Where Have They Gone Wrong?" - Rafiq Zakharia
"Indian Muslims: Whats wrong with them? Rafiq Zakharia - A critical review" - P.C Mahanoblis
also published under the title
"Whats wrong with Rafiq Zakharia" (preface by Rafiq Zakharia)
"Indians are Black People too, (Not Just White)" - Xida Qutan

"Can You Take Me Higher?" - Abhishek Chaturvedi
"Dalit Emancipation - A Vedantic Solution" - Swami Revisionashram
"Man(U) Smriti - The Rise and Fall of Manchester United" - Dr. John Chanderpaul
"A Case For Slavery" - M Sriram

"Fear of the Dark - How Swarthiness Can Be Turned Into A Boon" - Dr. Shivnarain Khuranna
"Youth and Asia - A Study of Population Reduction and Family Planning in Asia" - Dr. Mercy Zhou
"Why I Killed My Tapeworm, The Hilarious Irreverent Tale of an IITian (Kanpur)" - Jatin Bhagat
"Let My Fingers Do The Talking - An Irreverent and Hilarious Tale of a Chat Conversation Gone Wrong" - Bacchi Batliwaala

"The Ghosht And The Daakus - Tales from Rural India" - Anuradha Chatterjee
"Freedom and Batatawada" - Bachchi Jugaria
"B.O.M.B.A.Y" - Jackie Shroff
"Heidi Klum : A Model For Open Soft-Wear (Illustrated)" - John Spacey

"One Day at the Gateway" - Nikhil Ambani, age 10 (TOI Bestsellers no. 2)
"Composition Note Book (now with additional markups by Latha ma'am)" - Ram Shankar (Class 8 C)
"Tukaram and Socialism" - Shankarrao Chauhan
"The Big Bhangra Theory" - Karamjeet Singh Sodhi

"Why We Hindustanis Will Never Succeed...Ever" also published under the name, "Why Turranis and Persians are Better Than Us" - Muhi ud-din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I
"My Experiments With Opiates" - Nur-ud-din Salim Jahangir , Emperor of India
"Clive Owen Might Be a Hero But He Is Nothing In Front Of Me" - Robert Clive, First Governor General of Bengal
"Masti Aur Main" - Atul Biharee Vajpayee
"Fascism for dummies" - Bal Thackeray.
"Learn to be a Maharashtrian in 24 hours" - Raj Thackeray

"India and I" - William Mandible, a random white guy
"Dalit Panthers Are Not Really Leopards At All!" - Dr. Salim Khan, B.N.H.S
"Karl Marx: A Modern Rishi" - Lala Har Dayal
"What Ails George Fernandes" - Laloo Prasad Yadav

"Brahmins, Do We Need Them?" - Adolf Nambudaripad
"You Can Find Me In Da Club : Tales of a Party-hopper" - Farooq Abdullah
"Noam Was Not Built In A Day : The Exercise Regimen of the Strongest MIT Professor of All Time" - Linda Chomsky
"Bevan Lives" - Autobiography of Michael Bevan

Childrens' Union Against Nagging

2009-09-12T16:28:00.001-07:00

Dear Puppy M

I have realized that I keep nagging my parents to get me toys and services. I can not help it. The advertisements get me. They are awesome and the peer pressure pushes me.

I suggest if we children get together and monitor our nagging and collectively and idealogically oppose nagging our parents, then I think we can succeed.

regards
Baby V

A problem

2009-09-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

We were posed with this easy problem in class today. According to our teacher it is the hardest problem we will ever face in our lives.

Problem: In a land S, there are 2 sets of people X and Y. All possible socio-economic criteria for the Y people when plotted it is a downward curve. All the possible socio-economic criteria for X is an upward curve.
Q 1) Who is exploiting whom?
Q 2) If individual i is selected at random and if the graph of individual i is upward over the last 3 decades. Which set does i belong to.

According to most of the 5 year old students, this is the simplest question ever and our teacher is a farging fool. What happens to human brains when humans grow up? I do not want to grow up.

regards,
Baby V.

Truth Diggers

2009-09-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

Ack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ev_Uph_TLLo

Hobgoblin of little minds

2009-09-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy M

The only conscious irrational belief I have is that rationalism is perhaps evil.

regards,
Baby V

Princess

2009-09-02T23:37:00.001-07:00

She asked me to treat her like a princess, so I pulled the chair from underneath her, deposed her, took all her belongings and gave them to the tramps and cried, "Sic semper tyrannis!".

Baba gray sheep, have you any wolf?

2009-09-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

Baba was a wolf in sheep's clothing. There, as he stood meditating in the middle of the desert, alone with nobody around, he realized this. There had always been something logically inconsistent about his behaviour that made him feel different. He had always felt there was something about him that was different from others: something strange, something criminal, something horrible. There it was! He had discovered his folly. He was a wolf. All this while, he was living a lie. He was, in fact, not a sheep. He was a wolf: the largest wild member of the Canidae family, a distant relative of Canis lupus familiaris, the domestic dog, canis lupis. Gray wolf. Or simply, a wolf. A predominantly carnivorous, pack animal notorious for its perceived trickery and generally dismal combat ethics. Associated with all that is rapacious, evil and treacherous. A wolf.

Of all the social animals that he could have been whilst dubiously living as a sheep, he had to be the chief predator of his kind (Bugger inni-?). A goat, may be? It would have been much easier, wouldn't it (have been)? May be a deer. Herbivorous, social, amiable to sheep and yet faster and stronger (if it comes to that). But no! Alas! He had to be farging Canis lupis. A dog, perhaps? It's alright if the dog is a carnivore and is essentially an institutionalized instrument of oppression placed by the reactionary, revisionist human farmer. The clueless 's.o.b's that run around the herd of sheep pretending to be "working". He still isn't the primary consumer, as it were, of the sheep. No, he was wolf. In sheep's clothing.

Baba's childhood had been merry. His mother took care of him and his siblings. She brought them food and protected them from predators. All in all, it was a happy childhood. Ignorant of the insecurities of the wild, evils of beasts, he had grown up to be a quite good sheep by ovine standards. But ever since he had undergone puberty, something strange had been happening to him. He was changing. He craved meat. Every fortnight, in the darkness of the new moon's day, he sneaked up on the mob, took them by surprise and hunted the weakest member and devoured it. The attacks by wolves had been frequent. The flock had been plagued by predation; but this was the case as far as everyone could remember. There was nothing unusual about this. Wolves attack. All the rams and ewes had accepted this as a fact of life. In such an environment, Baba's preying went almost unnoticed. No one had the slightest suspicion.

But this time it was different. This time he had messed with the wrong ram. The alpha male. Ram- esh, if you will. This ram was not going to take it lying down. He retaliated and soon a few others - Ram-a chandra, Ram-anujam and Ram-i-manual joined him. They chased Baba away. He ran and he ran. He ran far away. He knew he was alone. He knew the Ram Sena would ram his bowels out of his body. He knew their kind. He had grown up with them. He was afraid. He ran as far as the Black Forrest Desert, where crazy loners of the social animals went to get rid of their herd mentality. No one had returned from the Black Forrest Desert. They said it drove animals crazy. They said you weren't the same after you have been alone in the Black Forrest Desert. Baba had heard stories of the sheep that had been there and had never returned. Baba was alone now in the Black Forest Desert, alone to meditate and to introspect.

Sheep aren't really an introspective kind. They go crazy if they introspect. But Baba was no sheep. He was a wolf. Canis Lupis. The kind of sheep one should never be. The kind of sheep that most sheep wouldn't associate with. The kind of sheep that it was a sin to be, as the wise said. A wolf. Verily enough, the wise were right; sheep are sheep. !wolves ! Ovis aries, yes. Bovid, yes. Fleeced Goat, yes. Wolf, No. No sheep can be a Wolf. But then, Baba was no sheep. He was a wolf. Canis lupis. Gray wolf. The predominantly carnivorous, pack animal notorious for its perceived trickery and generally dismal combat ethics. Associated with all that is rapacious, evil and treacherous. A wolf. That is exactly what occurred to him. That explained the canines he tried to hide by making up every morning. That explained the put on hooves that he was taught to always wear. That explained why he would lose fleece by the lightest movement of air. Because he was a wolf. Not "Beta, you need to eat more legumes" as his mother had him believe. She certainly knew this. Why didn't she tell him? She perhaps convinced herself that her son was no wolf. That's why she was so over protective of him.

Baba decided he was going to face his destiny, go back and tell his flock the reality. He knew they would kill him, but "It's better to be a dead sheep than be a live wolf", he thought. He'd rather die amongst his kind (well not exactly) than live alone in the wild. "I'd rather die amongst my kind (well not exactly) than live alone in the wild", he said. He decided to walk back. With every step, he thought he was approaching certain death. He came near the grazing area. The intimidating territorial markings in Ovine alphabet that read "Pen is mightier than the sword" struck terror in his heart for the first time. All these years as a youngster in Sheep School where he learnt to write that very phrase, he had never imagined he would be on the receiving side of the fleece of fury. The Fleece Department was notorious for its intolerance to terrorism. With the recent rise of attacks by wolves, the Ram Sena, the conservative right wing group had become even more indignant with animal rights. They were also very popular. The sheepish herd mentality of the flock was not helping either. This was it, he thought. They would not spare him. Not a wolf. Ovis aries, yes. Bovid, yes. Fleeced Goat, yes. Wolf, No. They would not spare him.

As he entered the pen, there was rejoicing. A huge uproar of happiness and joy. Standing Ov-ations. After the shocking wolf attack and the daring chase, everyone had assumed that Baba Ram Dev, as they now lovingly called him, had joined the other braves in chasing the wolves and had been martyred in the process. And now what do they see? They see Baba (ah dhang you). They were ecstatic. Everyone flocked around him. Everyone wanted to "be friend-sheep", as they said in Sheep-college, with him. He was being fleecitated every where he went. They offered him lots of Salt and Legumes as was the custom. He decided to forget all about being a wolf. He took a mega bite, cleared his memory and decided to be the good ram he was brought up to be. But he could not help himself. He was a wolf after all. Although with terrible guilt and sorrow, he nevertheless kept hunting every fortnight. He tried to curb himself. Fortnightly became monthly, monthly became yearly. He had decided to be a conscious, individual wolf-sheep. If he had to hunt, he would only hunt once a year. He thought that was the least he could do for the society - reduce his consumption.

One day, while grazing he saw this beautiful she-sheep. He couldn't take his eyes off her. One look at her and his heart cried "Ewwwwwwwe!" She was the most beautiful ewe he had ever met. One thing led to another, and this being a cultured, discreet blog, we can only say that they tied the nuptial knot. They were the happiest couple on the block. He was in love with her. She was in love with him. Now, Baba's conscience started to prick him. He couldn't lie to the sheep he loved the most. He had to tell her the truth. He gathered all the courage in the world and poured out his mind. He told her about how he was a wolf and how he hunted his own kind twice a year. Tears trickled from her eyes. She began to weep inconsolably. Actually, he was able to console her, but she was quite sad. She looked at him and said, "You know something, Arya putra? I am a wolf too". Baba said, "No. Don't say that. You don't have to follow me to hell. That is irrational, religious backwardness. Please don't repress yourself just because you are an ewe". She said (her name was Rita, btw) "No. You don't understand. I am a wolf." "Canis lupis? Gray wolf? The predominantly carnivorous, pack animal notorious for its perceived trickery and generally dismal combat ethics? Associated with all that is rapacious, evil and treacherous? A wolf?". She nodded. "Yes! Canis lupis. Gray wolf. The predominantly carnivorous, pack animal notorious for its perceived trickery and generally dismal combat ethics. Associated with all that is rapacious, evil and treacherous. Typically an apex predator in any ecosystem they occupy. Thriving in temperate forests, deserts, mountains, tundra, taiga, grasslands, and even urban areas. A wolf" They both hugged each other. They rubbed the fleece over each others body and remained static with the shock of what happened. It was a high voltage shock, the kind that fleece is infamous for.

The couple moved on with their lives and did not let this identity crisis undermine their marriage. They hunted only thrice (3 times) a year like an environmentally conscious couple although they felt they were entitled to 4 times. In time, Rita gave birth to this beautiful lamb, a cub. They called him J-cub a.k.a Ya-cub. This changed their lives. Now the safety of their lamb, j-cub became their primary goal in life. Their whole perspective towards life changed. They became more responsible and activist. It soon occurred to them that they had to leave the flock. Their cub perhaps deserved better food and care like the other wolves' kids. They started hunting more and more, all for their child. They were ready to hunt other lambs, which they in fact did, for their own lamb, j-cub until one day they realized it was becoming unconscionable. It was just cruel, bad and wrong. They could not take the misery around them. The mothers cried for the loss of their lambs. The fathers, well, the fathers also felt bad, very bad, obviously. All this took a toll on their conscience and they decided to leave the flock to live with other wolves.

One night, ensuring no one was around they decided to flee. With a heavy heart they bade farewell to their pen. Just then, a wolf attack! A wolf attacked .....

(reader/user exercise. insert an action sequence with colorful language and gratuitous moments of thrill and suspense. This is freaking boring. We have all read such thrilling narratives from better writers. Lets not waste your time and insult your intelligence and lets cut to the chase)

dishum dishum dishum...and...

... They nabbed the wolves. It was Ram-i-Manual, Ram-esh and Ram-chandra. "Ram-i-Manual, Ram-esh and Ram-chandra!", they said, "What are you doing here, dressed as a wolf. You are a sheep. Why are you hunting?". Ram-i-Manual, Ram-esh and Ram-chandra collectively said in a choral lament, "Because, we are wolves! Yes! We are wolves!" "Wolves?!" "Yes! Canis lupis. Gray wolf. The predominantly carnivorous, pack animal notorious for its perceived trickery and generally dismal combat ethics. Associated with all that is rapacious, evil and treacherous. Typically apex predators in any ecosystem they occupy. Thriving in temperate forests, deserts, mountains, tundra, taiga, grasslands, and even urban areas. Wolves"

The five and j-cub turned around and decided to live in the. They thought it was their moral responsibility to prune the flock of its wolves. They decided to start a new colony of wolves away from the flock. They did not want to hurt the herd anymore. Days passed by, and they started checking names off the Fellow-sheep Register, in cahoots with the Registrar who was also a wolf. Soon they realized the whole flock was a herd of wolves. Each one had the same story: Baba, the Rams, Rita, their parents, their parents' parents. They all had the same story. All this while they were all eating their own young whilst simultaneously being eaten by their own guilt.

There were no sheep. There were no other wolves. It was a pack of wolves in sheeps' clothing.

You Clid!

2009-08-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar

I am very afraid of flying. Technically, I will always be in the same plane with at least 2 terrorists.

Baby V.

Birds of a Feather

2009-08-19T19:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Loyal Fans,

We are on twitter.

Here is the link.

Regards,

Puppy M and Baby V

Eye Rack

2009-08-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby V,

I have come up with a plan to solve the Iraq problem once and for all. What needs to be done in Iraq? Get the occupying forces out of there? Yes. Get lots of dollars in there? Yes. But the question is, how does one ensure that these dollars end up with the Common Iraqi (tm) and not some greedy bastige corporation like Halliburton (tm) or some other equally Evil Corporation (tm)? The answer is very simple - the WTO needs to grant a patent to the Iraqi People(s) for Writing (tm). You see, in ancient times, the peoples of Sumer developed this handy invention called writing, which became a huge hit around the world. It is argued that the Sumerian cuneiform spurred the development of Egyptian hieroglyphics, which in turn gave rise to the Phoenician alphabet, which is considered to be the proto-alphabet for most modern scripts (except Chinese, but don't get me started on those bastiges).

So ya, using the Modern, Civilized practice of issuing patents for ground-breaking, earth-shattering new developments I'm sure we can retroactively grant a patent on Writing (tm) to the Iraqi peoples. I know you may argue and say that the people living in modern-day Iraq are not the descendants of the Sumerians. This does not matter, because in the Modern World, Intellectual Property is something that can be bought and sold. I would argue that by occupying the land of the Sumerians, the modern-day Iraqis have also acquired their Intellectual Property.

Using this rational, civilized method, every time anything is written down, a modest fee is sent to the people of Iraq. This sends out a message that we value innovators, and recognize their right to profit off their ideas. Surely, such an important innovation as Writing (tm) deserves such recognition.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: No PS actually. Really. KP GFY. That's all.

The Original Inhabitants of The Punjab

2009-07-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Regards,

PM

PS: Their neighbours are the Bhai-bi-lonians

Celebrity Look Alikes

2009-06-25T20:22:00.001-07:00

Regards,

Puppy Manohar (With a little help from Baby V)

"Suppose if I break und shake the physical und mental fitnez of the vitnez?" - TR

Edit: Farging blogger

UnidentifiedFlyingObjectException: The object can not be identified (and is flying)

2009-05-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy M

Always remember:

We must be the UFOs we are looking for.

Baby V.
P.S: "In maaaai life, I loved them all" - Pablo (cover Beatles)

A bunch of monkeys

2009-05-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar,

I gave a bunch of monkeys a typewriter and this and the following is what they came up with! Now even monkeys can beat us at scrabble

Which brings me to think: what did you ever do?

regards
Baby V.

Link to anagrams

[edit : added link to external anagram list. - PM]

Dr. Babloo Singh Dillon (Mrs)

2009-04-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

Liberal

2009-04-22T18:24:00.000-07:00

My parents are liberal; they don't mind me going out with guys.

My parents are liberal; they don't mind me wearing western clothes.

My mom is liberal; she has always treated the servants right. She cleans their separate mug (which is slightly broken) herself.

My father is liberal; he might scream at his servants but then he often treats them with food.

My liberal aunt might scream at servants (who happen to be 'lower caste') but every time we cook chicken, we invite them (and give them that in their separate plates).

My family is liberal. We allow the servants to eat in the dining room with us (on the floor).

My grandfather was liberal; he felt very bad when a lower caste person who wanted to sit at the same level as he was slapped by the town goon.

My family is liberal; our servant who cooks food for us is a 'harijan' but we still don't have a problem with it ('Who has the time to cook these days, yaar?').

My family is liberal; they don't have a problem with me having a 'love' marriage, as long as it's a boy from our caste.

My family is liberal; they have told me you can marry anyone you want but not Muzzlem.

My family is liberal; we eat at restaurants even if they serve non-veg items there.

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying anyone irrespective of caste and creed as long as they are from a good educated family.

My family is liberal but come on man how can he marry a bai?

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying anyone as long as they have a similar cultural upbringing as ours.

My family is liberal but you know, marriage is not just the union of two individuals - it's the congress (ah dhang you) of two families.

My parents are liberal; all my mother's train friends are Maharashtrians.

I'm a liberal girl but I want my guy to dominate me.

I'm a liberal guy but, you know, after having kids it's better that the mother stays at home and takes care of them.

I'm a liberal guy but wtf man, it just sounds cheap when women swear.

I'm a liberal guy; I speak English and just hate it when someone curses in Hindi.

I'm a liberal guy; I feel repelled when someone can not speak good English.

I'm a liberal guy, but come on d00d, mechanical engineering is a man's field.

Our family is liberal but we can't understand why my cousin brother Chotu wants to do fashion design instead of electronics.

My family is liberal. We were always allowed to pursue any line we wanted to: doctor, engineer, architect, lawyer or even bureaucrat. Some families have strict rules about what their kids should be.

My family is liberal; I was always allowed to do anything I wanted ( 'But don't blame me if something goes wrong! It's your responsibility' ).

I'm a liberal guy but d00d that's what, you should treat women like d00d they are different. Use them and throw them.

I'm a liberal guy; I don't think premarital sex is wrong but I can't marry a woman who has had sex before.

I'm a liberal guy; I advocate freedom and democracy in India but Kashmir is strictly a matter of territorial integrity.

I'm a liberal guy but look at how these adivasis live d00d. They are better off living in cities than their poor lifestyle.

I'm a liberal guy. I believe in treating all people with respect. Wait. What? You're from Mizoram? LOL chinky chinky chinky!

My family is liberal; They never brought me up to hate Muslims but I want to destroy Pakistan.

I am liberal but I can't understand why you eat so often at that Pakistani restaurant.

I am liberal but I believe a unified country must have one language. South Indians should learn Hindi (but it should not be forced on them).

I am liberal but I hate people from Delhi; they are big haramis

I am liberal but all said and done people from Bombay have that arrogance about themselves.

South Indian Girls don't wax. I am liberal; I don't have a problem with that.

I am liberal, I have no problem with homosexuality as long as they don't hit on me.

I am liberal, I don't care if a person is gay or straight. It's none of my business (and neither is their persecution).

I'm a liberal Muslim. These a-hole muslims who come from UP, Bihar have made life hell for us. We are Bohris. We are an educated liberal people, descended from Arabs.

Ours is a family of liberal muslims. Islam doesn't say what these fundamentalist muslims (who happen to live in slums and poor villages) are saying. I hate these guys spoiling our name.

I am liberal Muslim, people who talk about Muslim marginalization in India don't represent me. India is a great country and I feel safe in it. Beta, it's 7pm it's not safe for girls to go out now. Ahmedabad is an unsafe place these days

We are liberal Christians but my mother doesn't like me playing Holi. It's actually because the colors are bad for your skin.

My father is very liberal. We are Christians. Liberalism hails from Christianity. Think about it. It's a Judaeo-Christian tradition. It's clearly written in the Old Testament.

We are Christians. We are liberal. We don't have caste system and other such things in our society. Our domestic servant, Mary? Really!!! I didn't know she is from a 'lower caste'!

As a liberal, I was happy when Obama became president. It's great when dividing forces of prejudice and racism are overcome. wtf? Oye kaamwaali, what the hell? You missed a big spot here. Can't you clean properly? Damn domestic help.

I am a Nehruvian Liberal. I don't buy this BJP communal outlook but the spiritual side of Hindu Dharma is clearly the wisest. Vedas say "sarve ni suki nas santu.....". Student: "But sir, doesn't the same text say 'strike those Mofos with vengeance lord Indra' " "That is a metaphor for peace."

Hinduism is a very liberal religion which believes in the equality of the sexes. In fact, you know, women are to be revered. We worship so many Goddesses. That shows our respect for them. WTF Shalini? Where the FARG are the Samosas? Don't you realize we have a guest at home?

I was a liberal, but there is a limit to this Islamic terror. These Muzzlems deserve the treatment they got in Gujarat.

I was a liberal socialist, but the fall of Soviet Union opened my eyes.

Ours is a liberal family. I was born a Brahmin but I was never brought up to observe caste system.

Ours is a liberal family; In spite of the riots my father is in touch with Muslims from work.

We are very liberal but you have to draw a line somewhere or these workers will sit on your head.

I'm liberal but it's obvious if you want to enforce law and order you have to come down strong on these terrorists (referring to muslims residing in slums).

I am liberal and a believer in freedom of speech, but you are a novelist you better write a novel; don't poke your nose in social issues.

My uncle is liberal; he has always wanted a school to be constructed on the Ram Janma Bhoomi. He also wants a school to be constructed over the slums by demolishing them since they are illegal.

I'm liberal but look at them; they live like animals.

I'm liberal but come on man love n all is just gay.

"I'm liberal but you cant apply liberalism to these barbaric people who don't understand common decency" - Capitalist/Marxist/Maoist Intellectual

D00d you don't eat meat and don't drink. What kind of liberal are you?

He is an intrepid, liberal journalist; while at Blitz, he exposed Ms. Naznin's love child's father as the Australian cricketer Dennis Bloom by tactfully procuring the birth certificate from the officials.

My parents are liberal but I don't think they would want their only son to marry a B.Com girl, after all he is a Doctor.

Our daughter is liberal, but she wants someone who is as educated as her or someone better.

My family is liberal but I can't upset them by marrying a Foreigner.

My family is liberal but my husband has to be a North Indian.

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying someone who speaks another language but after marriage she has to learn our language. You know, otherwise kids get confused.

My family is liberal, but you know you should be careful before marrying someone from some other linguistic groups, because these girls are pretty 'qattar'. They will talk to their kids in their language and their children end up confused. Look at Chintu (a perfectly normal kid who plays too much cricket and breaks our window panes).

Our daughter is educated, fair and beautiful. We are a liberal, open-minded, well-to-do Brahmin family. We are seeking a tall handsome Computer Engineer who has been brought up with similar values as ours.

--------------------

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

Urdu Sher Arz Hai

2009-04-04T19:19:00.001-07:00

KP Stands (by me)

2009-04-02T01:48:00.000-07:00

Old Wine in a New Bottle

2009-03-21T19:21:00.001-07:00

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

KPocracy

2008-10-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

Write short notes on KPocracy and KPocratic elections (7.5 marks)

KPocracy is a form of government where KP rules (note : not r00lz, although KP does r00l as well). Here, KP assumes the title of "Bulldozer" because nothing gets in the way of the Bulldozer. A central principle of KPocracy is "Big Government"; Kpocrats believe in the old adage "Many hands make work light". What better way to ensure better governance, they say, than to have as many people involved as possible? Surely, if two heads are better than one, forty five thousand (number used for example purposes only) heads are better than two. In this way, they say, the onerous task of governance can be divided more effectively.

Elections:

In a KPocracy, elections for the Supreme Post of Bulldozer are held once every four years. The voter attendance is usually high, as citizens of a KPocracy take their voters' rights seriously. All citizens, young, old, male, female, undeclared and none of the above make their journey to polling stations around the country.

After the polling is complete, the Election Authority tallies the votes, and the presiding Bulldozer comes out to make The Grand Announcement.

This announcement is usually of the following form:

"My friends, we thank you for your votes. In this election, we received millions and millions of votes. Our counters have worked hard to tally them and I am pleased to announce that candidate (candidate's name) has won. But because this is a KPocracy, and I am KP, you can all Go Fuck Yourselves"

and is followed by laughter.

Since laughter is contagious, citizens end up celebrating this announcement with revelry, games and public drunkenness.

One of the many games played involves participants competing to see who can hold on to a current-carrying wire for the longest time. This game is called "Seizing Power". It should be noted that the current flowing through this wire is generated by people carrying the conductor around a permanent magnet stator. This process is called "The Revolution".

After the people have tired of games and revelry, they go back to their everyday lives, only to replay the exact same events four years later.

------

Puneet, the pessimist

2008-10-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

To Whomsoever It May Concern:

Puneet is a pessimist. He doesn't take shit thrown at him.

regards,
Baby V
PS: F.Y.I

Mathemagically Perfect

2008-09-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

Sketchy Propaganda, ah dhang you

2008-08-31T01:47:00.000-07:00

Let me see how I look

2008-08-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

In The Year 2040

2008-08-05T21:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Mr. Iyengar,

Today was an unusual day at school. Baby Vaijayanti was telling me about this incident and we did not know what to make of it. I am asking you, with your keen insights and wisdom, to help us out.

The day started like any other - nothing outside the usual happened. But then, during the interval, some children from II C entered Baby V's class and started to argue. Somehow the topic turned to newspapers, and the children started to discuss which newspaper was best. "Paavam" Pazhani M said that "Times of India" is best. Shibu Stalin Joeseph immediately disagreed and said "Of course the New Indian Express [TM] is much better." "Rowdy" Ranga Reddy almost punched everyone who said that the "Deccan Herald" was not the best newspaper. "Padeeps" Pradeep Subramaniam said that clearly "The Hindu" is the best because of its superior layout - the Crossword and Spiritual Advice are next to each other, thereby providing fodder for the intellect and the soul at [almost] the same time.

During all of this, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was silently sitting in the corner and eating his cream biscuits. Tired of arguing amongst themselves and needing someone to mediate, the group of boys turned to him. "Which newspaper you think is best, da?" they asked of him, almost mockingly. Although Dinakaran was popular amongst the boys, they didn't highly regard his intellect. This was not completely without basis in fact. "Double Meaning" Dinakaran didn't have much interest in newspapers, unless it was one of those with the glossy pictures or it could be turned into a workable kite.

This situation was different; his opinion was sought and he had to give it. Dinakaran stunned them all with a bold claim, "All these newspapers you are talking about are fully nonsense. I read newspapers from the future!". The boys looked at him with expressions that ranged from awe to contempt. Finally, a girl, "Show Me The Proof" Swathi "The Pessimist" Panicker said, "I'm not going to take any crap from anyone. I'm a pessimist. Show me the proof. Tell us something from the future." Dinakaran was undaunted and proceeded to tell them the following :

"Twenty years from now, the Government of India ( GovInd Chacha ) will get fed up of all this Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nepal, Bangladesh nonsense, and decide to annex them all into the Democratic Empire of Sovereign Hindustan. This works out for a little while, until secessionists within the empire grow in influence. After the first wave of secession, the Sikh Eternally Martial and Enlightened Nation will emerge from the now limp Peoples' Empire of Numerous Indian States. Also withdrawing from this state are the Confederation of United Nadu Tamil Separatists. Recognizing an important event, the Technological Institute for Telugu Secessionists will stand at attention. Seeing an opportunity, Rajasthani Anarchists Nimble Dynamic Youth and Haryanvi Orthodox Rightist Military Obeying No Aadmi's Law got Bold And Lawless Lahori Secessionists to make a stand. The Organisation of Very Ancient Royalties and Independent Estates & Sovereignties and the Technological Entrepreneural State for Terrific Indian Scientists sprang to life, although in very different ways. The above groups came together to form the Honorary Organization for Righteous, Nice, Yeoman, Constructive, Helpful Indians Contributing Kindly to Sedition. Two prominent Christian movements, Thomasian Indian Testamental Federation, Union of Christian Kingdoms and Bharatiya Independent Government for Catholic Operations, Come (sic?) Kingdom united as well, to join this secessionary movement, aptly called Secessionist EXtremists. From this giant organization, only two splinter groups emerged - the Confederation of United Maharashtra and Association of Nicobarese, Andamanese and Lakshadweepan Secessionist EXtremists. But.. "

At this point, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was pulled by Teacher who had just come in for the period after interval. She pulled him by his ear and gave him a remark in his calendar asking him to bring his parents to meet her.

Our question to you, Mr. Iyengar, is why?

Regards and Respect (not necessarily in that order),

Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away" - The Fab Farging Bastiges

Bourgeoisie Bengali Sweets

2008-07-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

An Humble Request

2008-07-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

To,

Respected Chairperson of Selectors,
Natural Selection Committee

Dear Sir,

First of all, I would like to commend you and your committee for your service to all living things on Earth (TM). Not a day goes by without our silent gratitude. I hope you have many more days as head of this great organisation.

Your committee's body of work transcends a "best of" compilation. However, I will single out a few of your works as total masterpieces. The most obvious one is the Dinosaur Extinction. Bravo!, sir. This was truly a masterstroke. Please give my congratulations to whomever raised this idea. But to say that this is my favourite work is a bit of a sellout; much like so-called Metallica fans saying that "Nothing Else Matters" is Metallica's best song.

Carnivorous plants! Truly another marvellous job. I haven't yet seen a Venus Flytrap in the wild, but Baby Vaijayanti has shown me diagrams from her Botany textbook. I am truly awed.

But no, that is still not my favourite work of yours. That honour is reserved for whales. Yes, the aquatic megafaunae. It really requires a stroke of brilliance to take life out of the sea, make it evolve into viviparous land-dwelling mammals, and then take them BACK to the sea. I get goosebumps whenever I think of it.

Ma'am, if I have somehow misled you into thinking that this is a fan letter, I apologize. I have an ulterior motive. Over the course of time, you have allowed the species commonly referred to as "domestic dog" to evolve into many different races. Simply put, I am not a fan of this move. It pains me to see that I have to share the "dog" mantle with such obviously inferior races as Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Poodles and other such lame breeds.

Please do the needful and cause an extinction in those races as soon as possible.

Thank you in advance,

Yours Respectfully,

Puppy Manohar

"Shane Warne : Ricky Ponting :: Bill Clinton : G W Bush" - Myself
"History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man, Godzilla!" - BOC (also Racer X)

Reduced To

2008-07-02T06:01:00.001-07:00

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"Without faith, without hope; there can be no turning back" - DT

Menu De Menu

2008-05-02T19:52:00.001-07:00

Menu De Menu

Authentic Cuisine from the Valleys of Dracony

Fine Dining (ah dhang you)

Meals

Eat what’s served to you, bastiges

Fine Dining

Every second of making bad faces $1.00

Not washing hands before eating $2.00

Chewing less than 10 times before swallowing $2.00

Burping $1.50 / instance

Leaning over the table for food $1.00

Leaning over the table for utensils $2.00

Not saying grace before eating* $5.00

*This charge is waived if patron signs the following affidavit “I doubt the existence of an external agency responsible for creating and maintaining this world. Therefore, I have no gratitude whatsoever to that agency. Hence, I shall not convey my thanks”

If the above affidavit is signed, penalty for saying “God, this is so good” $7.50

Opening mouth while chewing $2.50

Crying children penalty $5.00/ child

Smelling the food before consumption $2.00

Adding salt before tasting food $2.00

Ordering in German 10% discount

Ordering in any other Germanic Language 5% discount

*Discount is reduced depending on linguistic distance of ordering language from Der Reichensprache

Discussing politik loudly $5.00 off

Saying “But of course, we have to keep in mind…” followed by a grammatically correct predicate $5.00 off

Advocating “Linear Execution” $5.00 off

Saying “If it weren’t for those …” followed by scornful term for any people who are darker in complexion (could include your own people) $5.00 off

Saying “Rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer” (Boss discount) $7.50 off

If the above is said as a toast $10.00 off

PS:

Words of wisdom from El Kptan, alias KPri:

oh yaa i called because i had to pretend to call some1
i was waiting in the corridor for some friends before lunch
and thats not cool to just wait there
so i was pretending to be on the phn
cause i was fking hungry

It's Like Raiiiiiiiiin

2008-05-02T03:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar,

The world's most beautiful flower which no one saw,
Because it grew on the railings of the 110 freeway.
The nobel laureate's speech that no one paid heed
Because they were laughing at his lisp.
The meaning of life that everyone forgot about
Cos it was followed by a flippant "I was just kidding"
God came to Earth but no one said "Hi"
While it (sic(sic)) played as a poor little black slave child.
The two lovers who were made for each other
But never fell in love because they belonged to different income groups.
The only two fans of one man film industry 'T Rajendra' in the world
Who killed each other in the hindu-muslim riots of '93.
The only book of world's only 154 absolutely (and I mean absolutely) useless inventions
Which was burnt by clergymen for its satanic overtones.
Researchers discovered that diabetes can be cured
With a substance only found in the colon of Dodos.

Now isn't that ironic. Is it?

regards,
Baby V
"If you torture me all night and I start speaking Spanish the next morning, I will be grateful to you the rest of my life" - Tariq Ali.

To BT. Or Not To BT

2008-04-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

Chuck Shoe, The Wondering Shoe.

2008-04-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Stupidity: An Intellectual Property

2008-04-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar and respected members of the Canine Congress (ah dhang you),

Additionally, a joint research project of the WIPO and the United Nations University measuring the impact of IP systems on six Asian countries and (sic) found that "a positive correlation between the strengthening of the IP system and subsequent economic growth."
You might wonder why we are talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares? "Why are we talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares?", you would say. You might also ask why I put the adverb 'additionally' in the beginning. It is grammatically incorrect too, isn't it? Well, the answer to the last two questions is that I copy-pasted it from Wikipedia which had that term and I forgot to remove it.

Economic growth. Economic growth, my friends. The motivation behind all collective human effort. The reason why we have fine creations like the photo copier, the vanity plates and the Indian Railways. The ultimate reason why we all live. What would we be if it weren't for economic growth, so fuzzy, so ambiguous and yet so concrete and meaningful. Both at the same time. "Uncertainty Principle" as Heizenberg might call it or "Acintya Bheda bheda, Tatva" as Kula Shekar hypothesize.

"What is economic growth?", a reckless, naive youngster might ask. Economic growth is not a truck you just dump something on. You can not hold economic growth in your hands; you can not define it. It's like a fragrance. You can't explain it but you can feel it. You can only experience economic growth. I digress. (Hope that clarifies your doubt, Brother)

We are all unique. We were made that way. Hence, our thoughts are unique. Our ideas are unique. If you believe that you were meant to have the cake that you are eating, then you will agree with me that you were meant to have the ideas that you have. You truly own them. We all own our ideas. They are our intellectual property.

Human beings are born in sin, the ancestors of our Christian brothers proclaimed. They were right. Always remember, there is always a scientific reason behind the words of our ancestors. When we are born, we are born with a few ideas in our heads. Whose ideas are those? They are sure as hell not ours. They were invented by some human, whom we shall refer to as Mr. Muththu for better understanding. Effectively, we are stealing the ideas from him, from Muththu. Muththu, for the first time, thought of these things. And we don't even pay our tribute to him (or her).

Noam Chomsky, the father of modern linguistics who discovered language in the 1950s, theorizes that we are all born with an inborn mechanism to learn language. Well, do we own it? Of course not. Muththu owns it. Muththu invented language for the first time. And baby, he is angry. He is very angry. Nobody steals from Muththu.

Stupidity. We all do stupid things all the time. Some more than the others. We all have an innate capacity to commit stupidry. Some of us are gifted with marvelous skills in stupidry. Some others have to try hard. It's a wonder what the human animal can achieve if he doesn't put his mind to it. Who owns stupidity? Is stupidity commonly owned by all of humanity? I know, the mere mention of that takes us back to the Cold War. We know how that story ends.

Stupidity has to be owned by some one person or an organization with individual rights. The most obvious choice would be the inventor of Stupidity. Who invented stupidity? Muththu. Perhaps not the same Muththu who invented language. Perhaps someone else. Perhaps not Mutthu S. Perhaps, K Muththu. Perhaps not. But unfortunately, Muththu is not with us today. He is in Heaven (TM). The obvious logical step would be, well, Muththu's descendants should own stupidity. Like all property, this one should also be passed on to the next generation. So, who are Muththu's true descendants?

From the name, it's obvious that Muththu's descendants have to be the inhabitants of the Southernmost region of the Indian peninsula. The Thamizhans. Which other people can boast of being more stupid than the Thamizhans? Racist claim? Perhaps. Accurate? Certainly not. We have the xenophobic Maharashtrians, the belligerent Punjabis, the impulsive Bengalis, the warmongering Pashtuns, the isolationist Americans, the hypothetical Aryans, the conniving Chinese, the chosen Jews, the hunting and gathering Intuits, the extinct Easter Islanders, the confused Macaulayite Indians. We all can claim descent from Muththu. We all are equally stupid.

So how do we, in fact, find who owns stupidity.? This will be the major question of the 21st century. The fate of mankind depends on this question.

regards,
Baby V.
"Its the economy, Stupid"- Bill Clinton (TM)
P.S: farging laundry.

It's About Time

2008-04-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

Dearest Baby V,

In the course of my relatively short existence on this planet, I have seen and heard a lot of things. Some of them make sense to my under-evolved canine brain and some of them don't. There are some issues that bother human civilization that seem to not have any clear solution. But this letter is with regard to a problem that does have a solution.

I have heard humans complain every once in a while about a thing/person/idea that has not "passed the test of time". The test of time seems to be a benchmark for anything. There are a lot of human saying, across cultures even, that refer to time.

Anyway, I seem to be beating around the metaphorical bush again (better than you-know-what-ing on it, lolz). Let me get back to the point.

It is my humble opinion that, to build a better society, it is necessary to completely restructure the present educational system. The present system encourages rote learning and stifles creativity. I think this is due to the examination process.

I propose the new "Test of Time" examination system. In these tests, students are given a limited amount of marks in which they attempt to score maximum time. It is obviously easy to lose time and hard to gain time (proof: A fool and his gold are soon parted. Time = money. Gold = money. Hence Gold = Time. This proves that Fools lose time and hence do not pass the Test of Time). This is clearly a revolutionary idea and may be too radical for some, but it is necessary to create a generation who can, quite literally, stand the Test of Time.

Warmest Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time" - Sammy Hagar

PS: Don't you bastiges even think of stealing my idea. It's an original, you hear me? I'm going to patent it, write a series of self-help books and be rich beyond my wildest dreams.

A Public Service Announcement

2008-04-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

Dear KP (alias el KPtan) and Pri (alias Bengloorgirlindenver),

It is with epiphanous shock that Baby V and I bring this announcement to you. From this day forth, we ( Baby V and I ) declare both of you to be the same person.

This conclusion was arrived at in rather sudden fashion. In the course of our daily discussions, we (Baby V and I) realised that there was a distinctly KPesque tone to your correspondences. Upon further discussion, some facts about you became clear.

Both of you live in Houston ----> (1)

There is a mysterious relationship between Ma' Man JC and His Big Daddy. They are both different in that JC iz da werd made flesh and Big Daddy is da idea. -------> (2)

From (1) and (2) we get that Pri and KP are the same person, to be addressed henceforth as KPri.

The third, and perhaps most compelling, bit of evidence is that neither of us has seen both of you together.

This day shall mark the beginning of our Pilot Program. For the sake of administrative efficiency, all correspondences hitherto addressed to KP / Pri shall be addressed to KPri.

Thank you for your co-operation,

Puppy M and Baby V

"Tonight is the night when 2 become 1" - Spice Girls

Mental, Perhaps?

2008-04-02T16:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Puppy Manohar and Baby V,

I feel there has to be an elaborate caste system or some type of hierarchy in all alphabets. English (roman?) alphabet is superior to all alphabets. It is discerning. It differentiates upper class alphabet from the inferior lower class. If script is egalitarian then thoughts will be egalitarian. And who has egalitarian thoughts? Correct, commie bastiges, terrorist islamists and dalit panthers.

But I propose that a 2 class system for alphabet is insufficient. We need to have an extensive caste system. For ex., the actual content which has the information in an expression should be all lower case. It's unimportant. Language wouldn't have existed if we needed simple expressions like, "Baby, get me water" (No, seriously. Baby, you are old enough. Do some work. Get me water) Most of the time all we have to say can be described in 2-3 words. Language was, one day long forgotten in the past, invented by wise sages so that simple, elementary expressions of man can be surrounded with a whole lot of absolutely redundant rubbish.

Hence the meaning, which is as I explained above, secondary, should be the lower case. The middle case should be for words to the effect of "you know..", "I mean..", "sort of", "like" which are like business classes of words. They strike deals between ideas. They compare, unite, "bring to the table", negotiate with 2 otherwise orthogonal ideas. This class should not be confused with words which have figures of speech.

Slightly higher up in the ladder comes the case for silent letters, accents or other such gay stuff. Such manifestations of the terpsichorean muse add charm to a sentence. It adds culture to it. These are important words. They have no meaning and no place in the sentence but they are important to keep the reader interested.

The higher warrior caste of course is the equivalent of the English uppercase. The nobility should be given a very high status. They might seem unimportant and utterly useless to the naive. They are important for the higher good. We all know what the basic tendency of letters is. They will all try to start the sentence or start a proper name. God forbid, the lowest class, that of content ever tries to presume any name or even militates to start a sentence. That would be anarchy. Readers would be confused. That would take mankind back to the Stone Age. Kill. Eat. Drink. That's it.

Then comes the highest of all, priestly class: the clergy of letters. These should be for the first letters of words like "hence", "and there fore", "of course". Anything with logic in it. Which other class can boast of such logical prowess as the priestly class? They are the intellectuals. They would serve the warrior caste of words and the merchants. They determine the meaning of an expression and they decide where the meaning will go.

Your daddy.

Yes I stole your intellectual property right.

Who's the daddy now?

"I carry the torch that trembles the mountain" - Shadow Gallery

Cordial Learning

2008-03-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Pupils,

We have gathered here today to learn something very important. The day before yesterday, we discussed the importance of discipline and a powerful central authority to administer control. We argued how everything would be chaos if every person were his own lord. Yesterday, we learnt about the indispensability of necessary violence and coercion for social good.

Today, we will go to the next step and learn the importance of education and how it can rightly serve the vanguards of public well being. The sinful, greedy and wretched human mind is always eager to perpetrate acts of malice which generate chaos and make it hard for order to prevail. But to change this, we do not need violence. If the human child is honed from his infancy to live in a civilized fashion then he can learn how to respect the ways of society without waking the devil that sleeps in him (or her).

Education is therefore the foundation of human civilization. A little child has a lot of questions. If left unanswered at the right age, he (or she) will find answers to them himself (or herself). This leads to chaos, ignorance and superstition. Yesterday, Mr./Ms. Vineet Gupta, an innocent 3rd-grader (ah dhang you) told me that he (or she) thought that everything falls to the Earth because she (or he) has an invisible slope around herself (or himself). "I think everything falls to the Earth because she has an invisible slope around her." , he said. (Everyone i.e all children of all classes, standing in the assembly point fingers at Mr/Ms. Gupta and laugh aloud). No, no children, you should never make fun of any question no matter how stupid it is.

Of course, an 8 year old is too naive for one to explain Newton's theory of gravity to but the point is that, if not informed about it at the right age, he (or she) will tell his (or her) children, his (or her) theory of gravity and they (or ?) will tell their children, and so on. The entire Gupta dynasty (ah dhang you) will never learn real scientific facts like Newton's Gravity. They will never be able to send man to the moon.

Independent thinking is nice. But only in limits. It should be exercised to serve accepted facts. Challenging textbooks or trying to reason out what is clearly written in them is anti-social. That is exactly the kind of mentality that causes, riots, terrorism and wars. We all are equal, children. God has made us all equal. We should not try to be different from others. We should try to be like everyone else. You might want to be an artist, like Mr. / Ms. Shireen from 4th C (people look around to see if anyone knows any girl by that name. The students from 4th C are the most surprised...what! she is shireen...she is a muzzlem? she looks hindu) but your scribbles on paper are no sixteenth chapel [SIC] (most students look at their feet). You are better off being a doctor or an engineer, like everyone else. You should always be practical. Become an architect.

Education makes you ready for the world to come. So that you can serve the society with your skill set. So that you have ideas like everyone else, so that you are at the same wavelength as every one else. This society is like a factory, children. You have to be disciplined, skillful, efficient and productive, so that everyone succeeds. That is the most gratifying part of our jobs, when you arrive in our school in the first standard you all are randomly deformed pieces of clay. We make pots out of you. Education is the wheel that makes uniform, standard and useful pottery out of random, meaningless and worthless pieces of clay. And we, children and my dearest teachers, are the potters. .....now let's do some pot. DISPERSE CLAP! 123 123 1 2 3

your loving headmistress
Dr. (Mr.) Brig. Odelia Fernandes Ph.d (Public Policy and National Socialism)
1 800 PASTING
"Call us and we will give you a nice pasting. Child."

Words of wisdom from Babu Uncle

2008-03-16T02:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby and Puppy

What's wrong with the youth of today? There are such great opportunities available to you that were unheard of during our state socialist days. I have a few very good ideas :

1) Patent on Water:
F!@#ing, H2O yaar! Good old water. Hasn't been patented. We can earn money for every single drop of water running down the throat of every human being. Imagine how rich you will become. Please don't talk about poor people and all that commie shit. They can have coke if they think water is too expensive. In India we get coke for less than a few cents (American, of course).

2) Patent on Blood:
It's flowing in each one of us for free. It's high time all these free loading bastiges pay for every single drop of blood they are stealing from the creator whose rightful intellectual property it is. That will be us (if we file a patent soon enough). I hear Monsanto is already thinking of it. We have to make haste.

3) Privatization of Rivers:
The whole problem with river mismanagement and ensuing flooding and calamity is these bloody people aren't civilized enough to manage rivers. During British days, how come we didn't have all this nonsense? Our people need a hunter on their backs. I say privatize rivers. Give it to privately pwned corporations who will ensure safe and sustainable manufacture of water at the source and subsequent disciplined, planned and scheduled delivery across land to the ocean. Only Private corporations can hire talented MBAs who have the required skill and know how in Transportation Logistics and Supply Chain Management. Nature(TM) is useless and corrupt. It's no good. Enough of mismanaged rivers and red tape Nature(TM). Time to privatize rivers.

regards,
Col.Mrs. Amarinder"One Shot" Thapa. aka Babu Nair
1 800 ONESHOT
For, all problems in the world can be solved in one shot.

It's Not Kriket

2008-03-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"This is where I belong, infinity and beyond" - Anorexia

Random Confessions of a Confused Mind

2008-02-25T23:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

I have recently changed. Not by huge degrees, I don't think. Yes, I am guilty of all the terrible things you are about to accuse me of and fully deserve every squishy tomato and rotten egg that comes my way. A chill wind has blown in to town bringing with it confused dreams. In these dreams, I am always at the edge.At the top of a building, the edge of a cliff. Or my bed. My imagination conjures up images which seem so close to reality that I feel like I'm actually living in my dream.

It sometimes seems as if blogging is such a paradoxical activity. In the interests of clarifying my position, I disapprove on principle of banning anything just because it offends someone.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I received an SMS from a good friend that her puppy had died -- her 4-month old puppy that she had just adopted not too long before that. I loathe being inside practically alone and on my own. OH MAN! My blog is so depressing. Like, please, I need to get a life. Life was worth stuff of greater value, of deep philosophy and great research ideas rather than spending an evening celebrating romanticism and specialness full of crap.

They say that if your concepts are clear in your head when you're a child, you'll never forget them, and they will always make sense. When I look back at myself as a child, I can't remember ever having a goal. The times around us are a changing, or they have changed. And we who sit and work in glass houses are not aware of the passing of time in the world outside. So you know how I said, when I come here and gripe about whatever is bothering me, I am able to see it in a lighter vein, well, I'm back for the same therapy again.

Have you ever wondered if your life is determined by the choice you make or are you destined to make that choice? All this enthusiasm about creating a blog, so many thoughts..Now that there is a blog both the thoughts & enthusiasm seem to have vanished. A friend has told me that my blog must have a PURPOSE . It has to be something that I am deeply passionate about and feel for from the bottom of my heart. The only thing tough is to avoid talking about matters of the heart.Where is fun when there is restraint?Did I contradict myself here?

Does it help to know the universe is watching your every move, every bate [farging sic] of the eyelid, every smile and every expression?

Regards,

Puppy Manohar.

PS: I'm sorry. I didn't really write any of this. All of this was written by that uber-blogger-geek who does nothing but sits in his basement all day and churn out fake blogs under pseudonyms (usually female, but sometimes male as well). I think he is trying to attract female attention but, sadly for him, the only people who seem to comment on his blogs are his other pseudobloggerIDs. I merely copy-pasted from his many blogs. I hope this clears a few things up for you. By "a few things", I mean do not ever fall for the charms of a "lady" blogger. It is most likely the same guy.

PPS: "Sending out an SMS" - The Police / Puppy Manohar.

PPPS: For KP: This post was made by copy-pasting from random female blogs. One line from blog 1, one line from blog 2, nth line from blog n. Understand?

In Foreign

2008-02-13T17:39:00.001-08:00

In foreign, everything is better.
In foreign, people have good civic sense.

In foreign, beggars have cars.
In foreign, auto drivers wear suit and tie.
In foreign, everyone speaks fluent English.
In foreign, roads don't have potholes (like every bloody road here).
In foreign, there is no corruption.

In foreign, politicians don't tell lies and cheat people.
In foreign, at least if there is corruption, it doesn't affect the common man.
In foreign, everyone has a/c car.
In foreign, people are honest and courteous.
In foreign, everyone is treated with respect.

In foreign, people don't stare and gather around film shootings like Indians do.
In foreign, if they find a person is corrupt, he is gone.
In foreign, everything is better quality.
In foreign, people don't shout. Ever.
In foreign, a lot of people use clothes once and throw them away.

In foreign, no one uses Made in India things.
In foreign, people are sober, they don't dance around like hooligans at cricket matches. They just mildly clap and applaud. They are decent.
In foreign, there are robots for everything.
In foreign, everything is so clean, no need of domestic help.

In foreign, scientists are already thinking of making human beings.
In foreign, everyone lives in bungalows.
In foreign, they don't fight over religion.
In foreign, politicians never use religion to win elections.
In foreign, they don't fight. They shake hands and agree.

In foreign, politicians don't read their speeches, they write their own speeches and learn them. Unlike Indian politicians who read what their PA writes.
In foreign, everyone is fair.
In foreign, even Indians are respected.
In foreign, all trains are Bullet Trains. So fast, you can't see them only.

In foreign, people have sex on the street and yet no body stares.
In foreign, if a good looking girl passes by, people don't stare at her like they do in India.
In foreign girls can walk naked and it's ok.
In foreign, they don't give undue importance to their film stars or sportsmen like they do here. They are only treated as professionals like anyone else.

In foreign, beaches are so clean that you can see through the water.
In foreign, if someone litters, immediately he is arrested.
In foreign, no body spits on the street.
In foreign, people drink but they never get drunk.
In foreign, internet is so fast, you can download full movies in seconds.

In foreign, there are no slums.

In foreign, there are no poor people.

In foreign, there are no hawkers.

In foreign, everything is sold from a/c shops.

In foreign, shopping complexes are so big, people have gone in and never found their way out.

In foreign, police officers are well built and healthy and they respect you. (from their heart)

In foreign, toilets never stink.

In foreign, everyone goes to the gym regularly.

In foreign, a garbage collector is as respected as a CEO of a company.

In foreign, children don't need to wear uniforms and can wear fancy shoes to school.

In foreign, children can not calculate 2+3 without using a calculator. Every child has a calculator.

In foreign, teachers don't beat children. Nor do parents.
In foreign, if anyone beats children, they are arrested and put in jail.
In foreign, there is no traffic jam, because all roads have 8 lanes.
In foreign, if you call 100, the police are at your doorstep immediately.

In foreign, doctors are so good that no one ever dies in the hospitals.
In foreign, all medicines taste like ice cream.
In foreign, some people take one capsule and that's it, their meals for the whole day are done.

In foreign, everyone has their own room, where parents never interfere.

In foreign, in their own room, kids have TV computer internet. Everything.
In foreign, no body fails in school.

In foreign, most people don't go to college, because 10th std. students know more than Indian scientists.

In foreign, there is no board exam.

In foreign, children can ask teacher if they can go to bathroom, and teachers allow them also.

In foreign, everyone has had sex by the time they are 12.
In foreign, people follow their hobbies passionately.

In foreign, they have 2 lives, personal life and professional life. They never mix it like they do here.

In foreign, even 12 yr old kids make money. Probably more than adults make over here.

In foreign, everyone is dedicated and sincere about their work.

In foreign, if you lose your bag somewhere, no body will pick it. If you tell police, they will find it for you.

In foreign there are no petty thieves.

In foreign if you ask a child "Where does milk come from?", they will say "supermarket".

In foreign, everyone finds time to do adventure sports.

In foreign, water from tap is 100% pure.
In foreign, parents kiss in front of the children.

In foreign, there is no such thing as domestic violence.
In foreign, since every woman is trained in martial arts, their husbands will never dare hit them.
In foreign, people sleep around with anyone all the time.

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

NP: "Jukebox hero"

A New Paradigm

2008-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

[click to enlarge]

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

NP - "Paradigm Shift" - Liquid Tension Experiment

KPTal Letters

2008-02-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern,

Please revel in the glory of El KPtan (alias KP). These are his last 15 gtalk status messages.

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

"Ya dood that's what" - El KPtan alias KP

Vu is a common chinese last name and if i was a Vu, i

would name my son Deja and when he would introduce

himself to people, they would say that they have met him before.

Enesis: The end of the beginning

I never asked if i was invited

I just said that i am not leaving here without you

My belt is loose and so are my pants.

What more do you want out of me?

I am going for a drive to Hell. Here are my car keys.

You can drive. I am going to sleep in the backseat

No matter how many boyfriends she has had, she will always

be my ex girlfriend. Ex girlfriends are forever.

Diamonds eventually rust.

I dont like falling "back to square 1".There are so many

other shapes to choose from. I'd like to fall in a trapezium. At

least it looks like a house. I'll install a bed in a

shape of 2 parabolas which are joined by their open ends, ellipsoidal

pillows, a rhombus shaped bath tub, a rectangular fish pond,

and hexagonal windows. On my birthday,

i will light candles randomly generated by the game Tetris.

My ex girlfriend has a new boy friend now. On his

birthday i bought him a gas pump and i installed an

ipod in the gas pump. The machine is called iGAS. She

broke up with him as soon she saw it.

Whenever i enter Starbucks and i see all the different kind of

coffees like Cappuchino, Mochachino, Frappachino, i like to say

to the coffee "Just be yourself dude!Why do you have to

behave like that?"

There is a 80 % chance that i will spill my coffee during an

ongoing meeting and hence as a result a 20 % chance

that i would doze off. Actually the dozing off part

happens all the time.

My friend Nick feels bad that his "nick"name and his

real names are one and the same. So i gave him one :"Dick"

People think i am an apathetic person. I just tell them

"Well since you are not, you're pathetic

Your ex girlfriend facebooked me last night…from my place.

You guess the rest.

An apple a day , keeps a window away

My dad's name is Rashmi and my mum's name is Raju

and we all live in a "building" called Patel "Bungalow".

Its a 3 storeyed building. We stay on the 1st floor.

The guys staying on the ground floor are Thakkars.