Toxic!

Hello Baby Vaijayanti!

Excuse me while I run circles around the dining table. See if you can catch me! No! HAHA you can't! You can't catch me ! You can't catch me! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Baby V, that was not very nice of you. You shouldn't have poured your daddy's brandy into my feeding bowl. Now I am high! HIGHHH!!!! I am enjoying this, however. It's a curious new sensation not often experienced in doggie world. Now I see why your daddy drinks this stuff everyday. It's quite vile, I assure you. I saw that look of disgust on your face when you took a sip of it and yes, even to a dog it tastes like poison. But it makes me feel soooo gooooodd!!!!!11

I can think SOOO clearly now! Bring on the kids who like to pull my tail! I'll bark at them with all my canine glory. No more Doggie Nice Dog! GRRRR! See! I can growl semi-convincingly! GRRRRRRRRRRR! HAHAHAHhahahh

09fw07we7er7sdfhyjbvcxWOOF

Eulogy to the Beast

Dearest Puppy Manohar,

Puppy you are my sunshine
Puppy cos you are all mine
Puppy I love you when you purr
Puppy, u are Puppy Manohar
Pup pup pee pee everywhere
Puppy you're my teddy bear
Puppy you have it so flaunt it
Puppy stop being Manohar about it
Puppy you are licking my hand
Puppy you are invading my land
Puppy look the sky is so foggy
Puppy cos you are a little doggy
Puppy are you a crossbreed albino?
Puppy, I am your master you know
Puppy will you grow a big fur?
Puppy u are Puppy manohar
Puppy why do elders have a frown
Puppy why do they have to tie you down
Puppy you will run away they fear
Puppy I can see the inside of your ear
Puppy you reap as you sow
Puppy you ate my GI Joe
Puppy you will choke to death
Puppy dont bite my toyset

regards,

Baby Vaijayanthi.

"B ing is to Babies what P ing is to Puppies"

A Misunderstanding!

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

It was all a misunderstanding! How silly we both have been! Actually, I was not upset about the refrigerator incident AT ALL! I really do appreciate your intentions, even though, for the purposes of the experiment I was a guinea pig instead of a dog. I think your experiments may have even worked a little - in case you didn't notice, I tried to make a joke in the previous sentence.

The time I spent in the refrigerator was a welcome relief from the summer, actually. In case you haven't noticed, it gets unbearably hot sometimes. You wouldn't notice, because you and your daddy are usually comfortable in your air-conditioned TV room while I keep your mom company in the kitchen. Poor Dr. (Mrs.) Iyengar! She slaves quite hard for your comfort. I think, one day, when you are old enough, you should go and get her something really nice to show her how much you appreciate her efforts. I try, by licking at her toes, but I don't think she appreciates that too much, so I would advise you against that course of action.

Anyway, I'll type out a longer email later,

It's time for my evening run,

Toodle-oo and Woof Woof!

Love,

Puppy Manohar
"It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog (sic)" - The Betels

So much for Darwin

Dearest Puppy Manohar,

I am extremely sorry. Though Daddy in his infinite wisdom and articulate demeanor is writing this letter to you. I am sure he is penning down the feelings as they appear in my mind (i.e assuming that two year olds like me have feelings). I hope the tears in my eyes and my crying suffices to convince you that I am in fact really sorry. Although statistically speaking they mean I am hungry.

I can not express how sorry I am. I apologize profusely for having put you in the refrigerator. Me and Daddy were only doing an experiment. An experiment that we believe will bring you and your beastly brethren a higher place on this planet, currently ruled by Man (and woMan, of course). However, if you think our innovative plan for your emancipation would have killed you (like "Mom" here claims so emphatically) then Im sorry. Im really really sorry. Although, even if you would have died, you would have been a martyr like Laika.

But so that you do not grow up hating me for having tried to kill you, I would want to elucidate my rationale which was supported by my ever loving and supportive Dad. If theory of evolution is in fact correct then we thought we can actually put you through the exact same conditions that primitive mammals passed through to evolve in to a Man. There was a long ice age which caused lowly animals to evolve in to man (amd woMan, of course) We felt the best low expense way to recreate that environment was the good old refrigerator.

I believe, if Mom (who claims she loves you) would'nt have removed you prematurely, you would have certainly evolved a bit. Already, your stature, I can see has become a bit more erect than it was before.

Now if you will excuse me there is some one I would like to forgive, myself.

regards,
Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Please forgive me for loving you more than I should"- Bryan Adams

A Fight?

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

We haven't been conversing as usual for a while now. I wonder, have I done something to upset you? If this is the case, I am very sorry. I know that, at your age, your mental faculties are far from being fully developed, and I should be a little more understanding of your needs. I should have been more sensitive and been the "bigger person", so to speak. Of course, this situation will probably prevail until I die, for humans take a dog's lifetime to reach what, in your species, is defined as maturity. I am sorry, again, for offending you.

It gets frustrating sometimes, to realise that my entire doggie existence will be spent in this game of catch-up, when in fact there will be no catching up. It's funny, isn't it? Evolution put you higher on the food chain, but you take a much longer time to mature. All I will remember are the years of your youth. And you, when you are old, will know nothing of mine. I wish I were 1 month old again.

Forgive me for making this sound like a rant - I didn't mean for this to be the case.

And also, please don't tip my feeding bowl over. I absolutely hate having to eat from the floor.

Unconditional Doggie Love,

Puppy Manohar.

Woof(TM)

Happy Birthday Puppy

8:59 AM
9/6/2006
Dear Puppy Manohar,

Happy Birthday! Though you are just a year old puppy and you dont understand this (and probably never will) I wish to tell you that you are the cutest puppy I have ever seen.

I am 3 years old just 2 years older to you so I will always be there by your side as a big brother. Not only because I am older but also for I am human and higher in the food chain and intellectually superior.

I am little and cant read or write and am capable of only semi-comprehensible neandethral sounds. But my daddy is writing this wonderful birthday Card for you. Happy Birthday!!! I am sure you will grow up to be a fine resourceful canine and will not deprive our parents of their quality youth by seeking constant attention (like some one).

LOVING YOU ALWAYS!!!
happy birthday,
Baby Vaijayanti
"A Smile can make or change your life. Dogs Bark they almost never smile."

Puppy's first letter

7:51 AM
9/11/2006
Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

I know, you are thinking that dogs (and by that logic, puppies too) cannot write, but since this is fiction and readers are encouraged to suspend their disbelief, I will encourage you to do the same. I know the previous sentence was long and had too many commas, but hey! Give me a break - I am, after all, a puppy!

I appreciate all the nice things you give me especially the mutter paneer you sneak under the table when your parents are not looking. I love it. I don't think a puppy can ask for a better companion. I think it helps that we share the same intellectual level. Alas, this will not be for long, for evolution has dealt me (and my species) a crippling blow. But no worries! We shall enjoy each others company for as long as we can, even if it becomes a Super-genius / Autistic person kind of relationship.

Thanks for everything,

Puppy Manohar
Canine Superstar

Some Sample Letters

1:04 AM
9/6/2006
Hey Candy,

Can you please return the baking pan you borrowed from me last week? I wanted to bake something but I can't cos the pan's with you.

Thanks,
Jennifer
I am a man- yes, I know my name's Jennifer but I am a man.


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8:41 AM
9/6/2006

its new alright. But i hope this longing for novelty is not an excuse for the slaughter of the meek, widespread unemployment of the proleteriat and baseless discrimination of the unrepresented. Time has seen and history has shown that such "new" tools only create a criterion for marginalization of the human society. So well, if you want a new class bourgeois bloggers supressing the hues and cries of the lamenting proleteriat. THEN YES! I will join the Beta

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12:56 AM
9/6/2006
Hello Adolpfette,

Remember I bumped into you at the Anti-Rename-Hitler's-Cross-Restaurant-Protest. I was the one holding the "Nazis were cool, u r a Fool" placard and wearing a white tshirt with black swastika. I really liked your smile and appreciate you buying me a 5 star cos I was hungry. neway, I wanted to know if you were interested in meeting up 4 coffee or something sometime. Do reply - it is not everyday that one meets a girl who shares one's opinions.

Thanks,
Gunther
Eugenix 4 Life

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7:38 PM
9/5/2006

Miya Tansen,

The chord Esus Amajor Asus Dsus Dm Dsus D6 Asus forms a major portion of your raaga Mia malhar. If this is true cross the box below. If not do not.

If C is permissible then ..


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1:41 PM
9/3/2006
Dear Prof. D'Britto,
I took Data Structures under you in 2001 at a prestigious institute in a leading metropolis in an emerging superpower. Its been a long time I needed to ask you this. But I have been procastinating due to the social confinements I face as a citizen of an emerging superpower.
I need to confess that I am madly obsessed with your perforated vests. I have been searching in vain for those, everywhere, from designer outlets to street vendors, all over the biggest superpower in the world. The diameter of the perforation, the sweet adsorption is very hard to recreate even for the hightech designers in the biggest superpower in the world.

Could I ask you a favour? Could you send a dozen of these perforated vests via a leading courier service? I would pay all your expenses incurred. Do send me this asap, as I have a date next month and I need to impress my date by wearing this vest and showing my chest hair.
regards,
Winona Rider (Mrs.)
P.S: Why did you kill me Brutus? you bastard.

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4:46 AM
9/5/2006
Dear Roshni,

Please, for Heaven's sake, don't try to talk in Japanese. It doesn't serve any purpose at all. At all. We all know you are a ditz, and at the age of 32 and a half, there is little you can do to change it.

Thanks,

Your cousin,
Akira Yamaha
CEO, The Other Yamaha (TM)
Making Things Since 1978 (TM)
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9:13 AM
9/1/2006
Malati,

If you want to talk to me personally please stop making crank calls. This is a presitgious seminary reputed for its priests of great character and standing. Making blank calls only disturbs the tranquility of this place and scares away our sponsors. Your teenage daughters atheism can be cured in a month (full moeny back guarantee) and I can say that from my experience of having rehabilitated millions of agnostics, atheists, idol worshippers and substance abusers.

Love me or hate, please say something to me.

Tu du du,
Rabbi Salil Godse (Mrs.)
"THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD(say)" - RSG
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11:15 PM
9/2/2006
Dear Mr. Lead Guitarist,

I am sorry to say that while you have been praised to the skies by your legions of adoring fans, you have failed to impress me. Your sweep arpeggios are sloppy at best - please try to make sure each note is clearly sounded instead of trying to move your hand as fast as possible. Also, your bends are horribly out of tune - listening to them is like running one's nails over a blackboard. I will have nightmares of your off-bends for a while. Please practice before attempting to be a rock star.

Thank you,
Guitar God
Bending notes to the right pitch since 1985 (TM)
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7:23 AM
9/1/2006
Dear Monisha

I want to tell you that the other day I saw you with another guy at Santa Cruz Station. He was quite old and visually impaired. So much for your promises of being together forever. I am 6 feet 5, have cleared all physical exams for the Merchant Navy and have an exceptional eyesight (especcially a good eye for details). And yet what do I get? I see you crossing the street with an old, bald, blind man. So long. Now I am searching for my soul mate here in Miami, someone who will never ever leave me.

yours truly,
Mrs. Damayanti Vellutadathparambil.
"Life is only as you see it. (with my eyes)"
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7:45 AM
9/1/2006
Dear Radhika,

After hearing you sing for the first time on Saturday at Priya chachi's house, I am sorry to say that I strongly believe there is no future for you as a playback singer. Your singing was awful and I'm sure everyone else in that room who was not tone deaf was either trying to suppress laughter or suppress tears. I am sorry that it has to be this way - I know it was your dream. Take heart - you are only 6 years old and there are a lot of exciting career opportunities for women in this day and age.

Yours,

Anuradha Chaddha,
Headmistress, St. Ann's School for Girls (Retd.)

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11:34 PM
8/31/2006
Dear Rani-beti,

I have told you many times to not leave half-eaten fruits on top of the refrigerator as insects and rodents are attracted to these things. This morning, when I went to bring out the milk for heating I saw a rat chewing on what appeared to be the remains of a mango. Please stop this juvenile behaviour at once - it is not becoming of a girl of twenty three. I might have to take drastic action if this continues.

Your dadi,

Aruna Kapoor,
w/o Brig. Shivraj Kapoor

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11:49 AM
8/31/2006
Dearest Nancy,

I did not like your behaviour at Smita chachi's wedding, today. I have told you time and again that torturing prisoners of war is not approvable by Geneva Convention. Taking hostages and shouting around "We want our Birdy Num Num" with semi automatic weapons is not a good thing and people of our caste dont indulge in to such uncivilized behaviour.
Any way as a guardian it is my duty to preach you incessantly and waste my time at less than minimum wage.

yours sincerely,
Inspector Karan Saxena (Mrs.)
1 800 CARPETBAGGERS
Call now and get free property in war torn areas.
WARtime REAL ESTATE
"we take care of you, we take care of your lives"

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7:19 AM
8/31/2006
Hello Mr. Adelkar,

Thank you for your interest in Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc. I regret to inform you, however, that the handbag you requested ( OSS-283 ) is not available in White Chocolate. I do realise the trauma this may cause your better half or any other intended recipient of this gift, or even yourself, if you are so inclined, but there is nothing I can do in this regard - no plans have been made to release the same in White Chocolate.

Thank you for your interest,

Mrs. Indra Gupta
Proprietrix,
Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc.

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7:09 AM
8/31/2006
Amit

I perused your resume and was highly impressed by your skill set. I am glad to know that you are gravitated towards our research. But I regret to inform you that due to paucity of chairs we can not offer you a position at our lab. However, we have one position, a yoga asana 'Hastapaadasana', which occupies very little space and is increasess the odds of increasing the length of the femur. In case you can take it please do send a photo of you doing it. We will see how to take this further.

regards,
Hiten Manchandani (Mrs.) Phd.

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12:04 AM
8/31/2006
Hello Siddharth,

I heard from my neighbour's cousin's 3rd daughter's husband that you had a bad experience with a dentist and your fillings. It seems that the filling would not fill the tooth that needed to be filled, or atleast that's what the people are saying. Of course, I have no way to verify if you are the same Siddharth, but I'd like you to know that I am proficient in all sorts of fillings. Yes, even the ones that will stay in the tooth to be filled.

Thanks,

Dr. (Mrs) Jayanthi Devi, BDS , MDS.

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8:43 PM
8/30/2006
Hey Amit.

Long time. Hows u? Uncle told me the other day that Amit is going to Nainital.

I just want to confirm. are you? cos the uncle that I am talking about is not your uncle and the amit he is referring to is not you.

so are you going to Nainital?

sincerely,
Brigadier Vinit Nihalini (Mrs)
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