In The Year 2040

Dear Mr. Iyengar,

Today was an unusual day at school. Baby Vaijayanti was telling me about this incident and we did not know what to make of it. I am asking you, with your keen insights and wisdom, to help us out.

The day started like any other - nothing outside the usual happened. But then, during the interval, some children from II C entered Baby V's class and started to argue. Somehow the topic turned to newspapers, and the children started to discuss which newspaper was best. "Paavam" Pazhani M said that "Times of India" is best. Shibu Stalin Joeseph immediately disagreed and said "Of course the New Indian Express [TM] is much better." "Rowdy" Ranga Reddy almost punched everyone who said that the "Deccan Herald" was not the best newspaper. "Padeeps" Pradeep Subramaniam said that clearly "The Hindu" is the best because of its superior layout - the Crossword and Spiritual Advice are next to each other, thereby providing fodder for the intellect and the soul at [almost] the same time.

During all of this, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was silently sitting in the corner and eating his cream biscuits. Tired of arguing amongst themselves and needing someone to mediate, the group of boys turned to him. "Which newspaper you think is best, da?" they asked of him, almost mockingly. Although Dinakaran was popular amongst the boys, they didn't highly regard his intellect. This was not completely without basis in fact. "Double Meaning" Dinakaran didn't have much interest in newspapers, unless it was one of those with the glossy pictures or it could be turned into a workable kite.

This situation was different; his opinion was sought and he had to give it. Dinakaran stunned them all with a bold claim, "All these newspapers you are talking about are fully nonsense. I read newspapers from the future!". The boys looked at him with expressions that ranged from awe to contempt. Finally, a girl, "Show Me The Proof" Swathi "The Pessimist" Panicker said, "I'm not going to take any crap from anyone. I'm a pessimist. Show me the proof. Tell us something from the future." Dinakaran was undaunted and proceeded to tell them the following :

"Twenty years from now, the Government of India ( GovInd Chacha ) will get fed up of all this Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nepal, Bangladesh nonsense, and decide to annex them all into the Democratic Empire of Sovereign Hindustan. This works out for a little while, until secessionists within the empire grow in influence. After the first wave of secession, the Sikh Eternally Martial and Enlightened Nation will emerge from the now limp Peoples' Empire of Numerous Indian States. Also withdrawing from this state are the Confederation of United Nadu Tamil Separatists. Recognizing an important event, the Technological Institute for Telugu Secessionists will stand at attention. Seeing an opportunity, Rajasthani Anarchists Nimble Dynamic Youth and Haryanvi Orthodox Rightist Military Obeying No Aadmi's Law got Bold And Lawless Lahori Secessionists to make a stand. The Organisation of Very Ancient Royalties and Independent Estates & Sovereignties and the Technological Entrepreneural State for Terrific Indian Scientists sprang to life, although in very different ways. The above groups came together to form the Honorary Organization for Righteous, Nice, Yeoman, Constructive, Helpful Indians Contributing Kindly to Sedition. Two prominent Christian movements, Thomasian Indian Testamental Federation, Union of Christian Kingdoms and Bharatiya Independent Government for Catholic Operations, Come (sic?) Kingdom united as well, to join this secessionary movement, aptly called Secessionist EXtremists. From this giant organization, only two splinter groups emerged - the Confederation of United Maharashtra and Association of Nicobarese, Andamanese and Lakshadweepan Secessionist EXtremists. But.. "

At this point, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was pulled by Teacher who had just come in for the period after interval. She pulled him by his ear and gave him a remark in his calendar asking him to bring his parents to meet her.

Our question to you, Mr. Iyengar, is why?

Regards and Respect (not necessarily in that order),

Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti


"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away" - The Fab Farging Bastiges

Mental, Perhaps?

Dear Puppy Manohar and Baby V,

I feel there has to be an elaborate caste system or some type of hierarchy in all alphabets. English (roman?) alphabet is superior to all alphabets. It is discerning. It differentiates upper class alphabet from the inferior lower class. If script is egalitarian then thoughts will be egalitarian. And who has egalitarian thoughts? Correct, commie bastiges, terrorist islamists and dalit panthers.

But I propose that a 2 class system for alphabet is insufficient. We need to have an extensive caste system. For ex., the actual content which has the information in an expression should be all lower case. It's unimportant. Language wouldn't have existed if we needed simple expressions like, "Baby, get me water" (No, seriously. Baby, you are old enough. Do some work. Get me water) Most of the time all we have to say can be described in 2-3 words. Language was, one day long forgotten in the past, invented by wise sages so that simple, elementary expressions of man can be surrounded with a whole lot of absolutely redundant rubbish.

Hence the meaning, which is as I explained above, secondary, should be the lower case. The middle case should be for words to the effect of "you know..", "I mean..", "sort of", "like" which are like business classes of words. They strike deals between ideas. They compare, unite, "bring to the table", negotiate with 2 otherwise orthogonal ideas. This class should not be confused with words which have figures of speech.

Slightly higher up in the ladder comes the case for silent letters, accents or other such gay stuff. Such manifestations of the terpsichorean muse add charm to a sentence. It adds culture to it. These are important words. They have no meaning and no place in the sentence but they are important to keep the reader interested.

The higher warrior caste of course is the equivalent of the English uppercase. The nobility should be given a very high status. They might seem unimportant and utterly useless to the naive. They are important for the higher good. We all know what the basic tendency of letters is. They will all try to start the sentence or start a proper name. God forbid, the lowest class, that of content ever tries to presume any name or even militates to start a sentence. That would be anarchy. Readers would be confused. That would take mankind back to the Stone Age. Kill. Eat. Drink. That's it.

Then comes the highest of all, priestly class: the clergy of letters. These should be for the first letters of words like "hence", "and there fore", "of course". Anything with logic in it. Which other class can boast of such logical prowess as the priestly class? They are the intellectuals. They would serve the warrior caste of words and the merchants. They determine the meaning of an expression and they decide where the meaning will go.

Your daddy.

Yes I stole your intellectual property right.

Who's the daddy now?

"I carry the torch that trembles the mountain" - Shadow Gallery

Ode to the Indo-Australian Controversy

Dear Puppy,

The following is the speech that Mr. Iyengar gave as Chief Guest and Judge at "Australians: Boon (ah dhang you) or Bane" debate at Baby Vaijayanti's school.

There are a few things that I need to say in light of the current controversy surrounding the Indian tour of Australia. Considering the various events that have unfolded in the past few days, I have a few recommendations to the youth of today.

With Bhagwad Gita as my guide (looking uncomfortably at the catholic priest beside him), I shall infer from the fountainhead of divine knowledge and demonstrate how these ancient and eternal concepts can be employed in the contemporary world to achieve many a benefit.

a) Enterprise:

In today's economically liberalized society, no one doubts the significance of entrepreneurship. Proactivity equals survival. A proactive gentleman should always be on the look out for business opportunities. He must always have an attentive sense to every expression that translates to cash. Social hurdles like morality, popular resistance, farsighted critics, non-objectivists, slum-dwellers, tribals and repressed people a.k.a commie bastiges, stray dogs, parents and the opposite sex will impede his every enterprising step towards success. He should singlemindedly, perseveringly and, if the need arises, brutally, fight against these evils.

The Bhagwad Gita prescribes that the "Karma Yogi" (applause) should be a part of the world and yet disinterested, ambivalent and separate from its social problems. This might sound paradoxical but it is realizable. Whenever a social problem arises the "Karma Yogi" (applause), to whom I will hence forth refer to as KY (note: KY <> KP) and, for simplicity, assign the male gender, should make himself "aliptha" from his environment and keep doing his duty, which in our case is selfishness (refer: Howard Roark's speech, The Fountain Head - Ayn Rand).

In this particular scenario, I suggest we start a new company: "Burning Figures of Execrating Gents, International" aka "Burning FEG International". In South Asia and the Middle East the most popular form of protest is burning effigies. However, such genuine sentiments of the general public receive a setback when they can't find good effigies of people. For example, recently the loose mlechha, Richard Gere, publicly defamed one of our finest beauties. People needed his effigy to burn. Innovative gentlemen from well funded right wing parties managed to acquire one. However, most people, who clearly care about this issue, could not come out on the streets and protest on account of the dearth of Richard Gere effigies.

In today's world of advanced graphics and multimedia, it's a shame if ordinary people can not obtain Ricky Ponting effigies. Hence, I propose we start mass producing effigies of celebrities. The business model will be a JIT manufacture and distribution. Effigies of international political figures and controversial people will be mass produced and an inventory will be maintained, however, everything else will be just in time, just like homework and exam preparations (applause).

Investment? It is clear that celebrities like Ricky Ponting will be interested in investing in this firm. Ricky Ponting, Steve Bucknor are all well aware that such actions in future will invoke even more public anger. They will only benefit from investing in our company.

b) Military Action:

As Arjun lies in despair pondering with doubt at the sombre scene of battle at Kurukshetra, Krishna instructs him to go to war and kill the enemies of Dharma, even though they are his family. I urge the great Indian Nation State to invade Australia. It's high time, I say. We should just go in there and bomb them to the Stone Age whence they came. It's clear that we need a little more living space, 'Lebensraum' , for Indian people. A relatively rarefied Australian land will be the perfect subject. If we learnt anything from the great days of being the jewel in the crown of the British empire, it is that we have to utilize opportunities like this to perpetrate aggression against people. The barbaric lands of Australia lie, cheat and blaspheme. It is high time we roll the Dharma Chakra and reveal the truth there.

c) Linear Execution:

To solve the problem of bad umpiring and unjust adjudication, I propose that all Umpires and Match Referees should be made to stand in a line and shot.

(Applause).

Regards,
Baby V

"Ricky don't lose that number. You don't wanna call nobody else." - Steely Dan

Western Culture

Dearest Vaijayanthi and not so dear yet wokay wokay types dear Puppy Manohar,

It is time I let you know this. Be careful of the influence of Western Culture. You will soon grow up and you will come face to face (vis-a-vis?) with such predominantly western ideas as love, freedom, liberty, reason, democracy, anarcho-syndicalism and homosexuality. It is very important that you be wary of imbibing such values no matter how fashionable they may seem.

Our ancestors were great. For the last 4000 years we have fought invaders, resisted colonialism, disobeyed racially superior but karmically inferior races of lighter skin, flushed out pure mlechhas from bharat-varsha, killed rakhsas and married their beautiful consorts, destroyed asuras, tamed mythical beasts of little scientific credibility, invented deadly weapons with clearly fantastic powers and modern correlations.

Our ancestors were great.

And did you ever hear the word LOVE from them? Freedom? Liberty? (boy that word itself is 'gay', speaking of which..) Homosexuality? Mutual Pleasure during sexual intercourse? (which Kama Sutra talks of, a clearly secular and disposable text - A product of Indo-Greek-Gandhar-Let'shavesexbabyculture confluence) No, you did not.

Why? Because you cannot read Sanskrit and as a woman (and dog) you should refrain from that endeavour? NO. Because they never wrote such things.

Such ideas are well-suited for "their" culture of barbarism. It's simple evolution (which our ancestors discovered long back. Guess who doesn't believe?) Their cold climate, non-tropical environment, temperate forests and other such environmental factors have led to development of such values. They are perfect for people who have evolved there. Not us, baby. We are tropical people. The ways of our ancestors alone will lead us to salvation aka Moksha. It's simple science of evolution.

Think about it.

Your Loving Father,

Mr. Iyengar.

"What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more."

1 800 LOVE

Call us, you clearly are misled.