Some popular myths about India

The following are some popular myths about India. Some of them have some basis in reality while the others are blatantly false.
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In India, tying shoe laces in public is considered partial nudity.

The ancient Indian tea ritual, practiced every 11th day of the lunar month entails the following: The female members of the family serve tea (without milk) to male members while they are seated. The women then are explicitly and ritually asked to "Fuck Off" in Sanskrit (Hindu households), in Persian (in Muslim households), in English (in Christian households, that's why it's more fun in Xtian households), in Punjabi (in Sikh households). Those are the only languages allowed. The women go out leaving men and male children alone. Then, once-born female servants bring hot milk and put it per the customized and memorized taste of each male member. Then they are ritually kicked on their behinds (though this is only considered symbolic). The male members dance around the tea singing "Hallelujah" and then they bathe themselves in mildly hot tea and say, "Hari Om". It is considered to be a bad omen if the tea is sipped, drunk or even accidentally tasted.

In India, elephants are considered good luck. Therefore, when an elephant appears on the street (yes those bastiges just appear out of nowhere. That's why they are magical) people immediately stop what they are doing and sing a hymn to the elephant in the local language of the area. This song was copied by Elvis Presley in the '50s and was a massive hit under the name "I can't help ..."


In India, the word the word for crow loosely translates to "dragon". That's why whenever you see dragonflies and crows at the same time, they say "See the dragons fly with the dragonflies" If you chant this in Sanskrit 500 times, it's considered to be a 'sure shot' - yes, 'sure shot' - entry to heaven.

In India, hairy ears are a sign of wisdom, which is why you will see kids and adults alike deferring to the suggestions from a man with hairy ears in case of a problem. Note that this is only applicable to men. Women with hairy ears are considered freaks of nature.

In India, in some northern parts - because women are usually taller than men - men wear high heels, women roam around barefoot. That's why when a girl is considered for a marital alliance, she is supposed to show her feet and only women with thick strong calluses are preferred. "A woman is known by her callus" is an old northern saying. Needless to say, MNCs have made note of this fact and callus-softening creams are marketed to men in those areas, contrary to what you'd expect otherwise.

In India, almost all teenage men are considered homosexual. Obviously, Modern Science (tm) tells us today that not all humans are homosexual. But if a man between the age of 12 - 20 does not hold hands with another man while walking on street, its considered rude.

In India, when one baby laughs, it is considered a good omen, but if two babies laugh simultaneously in the same room, then it is a sign of catastrophe. This is why more traditional Indians oppose the modern practice of putting all new born babies in the same room after delivery, "just in case" they all start laughing, for you never know what those little bastages can do.

In India, Dams are considered Temples of Modernity that's why "I'd be damned" or "Damn it" is considered a positive thing. Yes 'positive thing'.

In India, in 'uneducated rural parts', white people are considered to be Gods from Heaven because of their appearance and because white people are so beautiful. Yes, all of them. So if you are white and go to an Indian village, they might anoint you by bathing you with milk, give their babies in to your hands and ask you to touch their head or hold your feet and not leave. Don't be alarmed, its a good thing and a sign of endearment, respect and deification. This practice has injured a few people of European, East Asian origin. But that's because they panicked.

Always remember Indians are more scared of you than you are of them. Don't do anything that might irk them. They are, after all, wild.

On the contrary, if they think you are an Arab, Persian, Kurd or Turkish, they might pelt you with stones and lynch you. Since most Indians can not tell the difference between Europeans and Middle Easterners, it's safe to color your hair blond and wear blue lenses when you roam out in public in India. That is considered the primary reason why the Portuguese and Spanish could never establish permanent colonies in India - their melanochroi appearance.

Most Indians can not swim.

Ghee inhibits the natural water-resistant nature of human skin, so Indians will die if they are under water for long periods of time. This is why Indians generally bathe very fast.

It is believed in India that a child who is not taught arithmetic, invents his own number system.

In western India a barrel of water is considered as an emblem for male prostitution. A male prostitute who is his own agent is called a Barrel. That's when one says "from the barrel of a gun" to children in Western India they shy away or give mischievous smiles.

It can also be considered sexual solicitation. Don't ever use the phrase in front of children, women or men, lest they think you are a male prostitute (even if you a woman).

It is well known that Indians prefer lighter skin tones, but many do not know the origins of this preference. Indians know instinctively that white bodies are poor absorbers of radiant heat. This knowledge is in their blood. That's why they prefer people with lighter skin, because their core body temperature is more stable and can better withstand the harsh, tropical sun.

An old practice of Indians that is currently in danger of extinction is the practice of using their nose to chop vegetables and fruits. This is why the phrase "nose cut" is used by children to disparage those of an older generation.

In India, winking with the left eye is considered an acceptable friendly gesture while winking with the right eye is lascivious.

Indians, being generally argumentative, can easily be incited to fight amongst each other. Indeed, the easiest way to make two Indians come to blows is to tell one that the other refused to acknowledge mangoes as the king of all fruits.

A lot of conspiracy theorists believe the main reason for the wars between India and Pakistan are because of their difference over whether the Pomegranate or the Mango is the King of fruits. Indians take their fruits seriously.

Indians discovered Malaria.

Indians also discovered swimming pools, the ampersand (&), nitrogen, coconut leaves, sand, and the Perl scripting language

An Indian astronomer by the name Bhargav propounded the first theory of gravitation where he correctly identified an inherent force of attraction between the heavenly bodies. This theory was discarded after he falsely predicted that the moon would soon fall to the earth in 30 years after the his discovery of gravitation. It did not but Bhargav is credited to have been the first known psychologist based on his introverted treatise. He is also the earliest documented case of lunacy. In fact it was because of Bhargava and his deluded beliefs in the moon fall that mental illness has been historically linked to the moon. That is why in India rationalists are considered to be lunatics and people laugh at you if you reason things out.

In some temples in India, it is mandatory for men to be topless unless they are very hairy. In that case, they are allowed to cover their upper body.

Flu is not allowed in India. It's just not allowed, don't ask why. Indians don't get flu unless they are in a foreign country. If you are visiting India, prepare to be laughed at or mocked in public if you claim to have the flu.

That's why a common derogatory term for foreigners in India is "flu-shot". "Big-shots and their flu-shots" an expression to condemn nefarious connections between business elites and multinational corporations.

On the other hand, the common cold is revered in India. If you are suffering from the Common Cold, more specifically from a stuffed nose, be prepared to be treated with reverence.

Common Cold is considered to maintain immunity in children hence its also commonly known as "Come On! Cold".

In the southern states there are special athletic events purely for athletes suffering from Common cold. Athletes try hard to induce cold before the event lest they should be disqualified. It is considered a great honor to represent your city/town in the Come On! Cold Olympics.

Some communities in India have yet not discovered the causality between sexual intercourse and human procreation. In these communities, the members insist that the woman's ancestors' spirit take over the womb and a child is born. The man is believed to have no part in this process. The concept of Fatherhood as understood by "us" does not exist. Christian missionaries hence find it very hard to convert these people, because they do not understand what a male deity is doing creating the universe and why we are his children and why is he anything but just someone who hangs around their mother and, at times, plays cricket with them.

Also, sex is no big deal and free love is encouraged. Women marry partners when they get bored of sleeping around.

Indians often lapse into making unintelligible noises in the presence of foreigners. Don't be alarmed; they are only doing this to confuse you and amuse themselves. Even they cannot understand what they are saying to each other. As soon as the foreigners are absent, they start talking in one or more of the following : Queen's English, Classical Sanskrit, Persian (Dari) or Latin.

Indians actually have no language. India has never had language. Language was given to Indians by foreign invaders.

India is not very Spanish friendly. A simple example - In India talwaar is a type of sword and salwaar is an article of clothing. Stupid spanish people came to India with their stupid lisp and asked for one and got the other instead. Since the Indian sword is very power [sic] they died instantly.

In India the roman letter "w" is known as "Double v"

Every Indian is actually lefthanded , but society forces him to be right handed

Contrary to popular European propaganda India was discovered in 1954 by the Chinese traveler 'Far In' seeking asylum in exotic lands to escape from the atrocities of the Cultural Revolution. He thought he had reached Birmingham but had in fact reached Punjabibaag, Delhi. He called the natives of India, Indians after the British Asian community of England.

Indians, until recent times, did not consume food, preferring to absorb nutrients directly from soil (hence preponderance of 'barefootism') and through 'zoophotosynthesis.' In an attempt to integrate with the rest of the world, Indians invented Indian Food (tm) quite recently, which is why it is rated the Best Food in the World.

The British can't speak English. Indians speak better English than the English, the Americans and all the English speaking world.

Indians invented English in 1658. Later their creations attained self-awareness and proceeded to colonize India. This is the inspiration for the movie "Terminator".

Regards,

BV and PM

PS: Did you know that 30% of all Indians are born on July 5th?

I Gregor

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to Chacha Aurangzeb(TM), Shahenshah-e-Hind! (Al-Sultan al-Azam wal Khaqan al-Mukarram Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhy-ud-Din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I, Badshah Ghazi, Shahanshah-e-Sultanat-ul-Hindiya Wal Mughaliya)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed , in his bed, to his bed, proving that a parable where a bed is an anthropomorphic character essentially has to avoid references to the characters indulging in the human activity of sleep and - worse - sexual intercourse, for it will be weird and perhaps more Kafkaesque than Kafka.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a lazy bum who had woken up late and would have to call up work and call in "sick" like a lying fool (ah dhang you).

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a mechanical apparatus with the ability to change from a humanoid appearance to a big truck. Sadly (for him), Megan Fox was not in bed with him.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the poorly conceived teenage wizard character - Harry Potter, that it was 21st century Europe and his story - at best rubbish and at worst rabidly reactionary - constitutes 'literature' in this day and age. "Surely," he said to himself, "these are the last days of Western Civilization" and he went back to sleep.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he started up his laptop and navigated to http://puppymanohar.blogspot.com/, which is what you should do too to calm your central nervous system.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he thought it would serve as an excellent opening line for a story, and began to write it down.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a person who cared more about waking up than transforming, so he got out of bed and proceeded to brush his teeth.

When Gregor Samsa awoke it was night and he realized it was KP writing this missing the point entirely. But whats the point? I ask you, O reader.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a bedsheet. But aaah, what's this? Gregor Samsa wasn't in his bed last night, because he spent the night at an attractive lady's house. The writer seems to be very confused.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a CC TV Camera focused at the table in the corner of the room and said to himself, "Ah how the tables have turned"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a sheet of aluminium (aluminum for Americans) and he said to himself "Curses, foiled again!" (ah dhang you)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a vermin. Now he is a TED speaker who is scheduled to give a rubbish inspirational sounding - but really patronizing - speech about his metamorphosis and the video is shared on the internet under the title "Every Indian must watch"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Tom Friedman. "Ah what a vermin I have become" he exclaimed to himself as he jumped to his death from his Manhattan high-rise apartment. An unrelated observer recorded this on his cellphone camera and uploaded it to youtube with the title "Every Indian Must Watch This!!!!!111[sic]"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the Moon on a Stick, and Xida was finally happy, for thats what he wanted. He wanted the Moon on a Stick!

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to 'Cake Aur Samosa' and they all laughed because silly puns and mockery of other cultures and people is what constitutes humor in the subcontinent.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed to the frequency domain, and that's how he lived the rest of his live, as a little pulse at 456 Hz, with only his harmonics as company.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Chandler, characters of the mega popular American sitcom "Friends". The audience was shocked and discombobulated at the odd but contemplative and seemingly poignant turn the otherwise frivolous and tactless comic vehicle had taken. There was an uneasy silence in the audience. The 3-minute deadline for canned manic laughter from the audience had passed. It seemed like "Friends" was subverting established form.....and then Joey entered the room dressed as a 20th century middle class Jewish Czech German speaking girl and said "Wie geht es dir?", the subtitles went "How ya doin" and the audience was hysterical. It was the best FRIENDS episode ever.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself being inappropriately touched by an entomologist on National television.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself on Bugzilla with the label "REOPENED" stamped on his forehead in red.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself watched in suspended animation at a break point waiting for an F8.

Regards,

BV and PM.

PS: This post was brought to you by Regular Expressions (TM) -- making it easier to extract posts from chat archives since the 20th century.

The above is a message from the RegEx Advocacy Group -- a non-profit organization

Wisdom

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, which is why normal people take off the crown before going to sleep.

A hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, which is why it is so fucked up. A hand is ruling the world, just a hand - no body, no brain. (ah dhang you)

If you see a severed hand, know your ruler.

Look before you leap. Preferably use the same principle for walking, running, sprinting or merely standing haplessly doing nothing. Always look. Better safe than sorry.

He who laughs least, laughs last or may be you need to change your style of comedy.

He who laughs least laughs last, He who laughs last laughs loudest, He who laughs loudest laughs best. Hence he who laughs least laughs best. I.e Please don't laugh.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Or may be the Angels are just afraid of being thought of as fools.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. It is interesting that they go to the same gym. May be fools are training for a marathon. That says a lot about marathon runners.

A bad workman blames his tools. A good workman blames his compensation package. The best workman blames the modern capitalist system. Viva la Revolucion

You can fool some people all the time and all people some of the time but you can't fool all people all the time. I don't know who said this first. Almost everyone agrees with it. What if it's not true?

Make hay while the sun shines, in your sky that is. The sun is actually always shining; it's a star.

A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in space saves face.
A stitch on an open wound can save your life.
You decide which is more important

A stitch in time saves nine. 0 marks. No units. Don't say it's understood. You still have to write the units.

All is fair in love and war. And Nazi Germany.

Never hit a man with glasses. Fists are usually more effective.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others. Who the fuck lives in glass houses?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately only plants live in glass houses and they don't throw stones at others.
And they haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet, those bastages.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others and more importantly should not throw stones at their own house or throw stones so high that they might fall or ricochet. They should gently roll the stones if they so desire a translation of stones. This has the added advantage of making sure the stone doesn't gather any moss.

Also, that does not mean people who do not live in glass houses can throw stones at other willy nilly. A stone when thrown back at you still can hurt you if not your house.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop. By that token, is an occupied mind the devil's vacation villa?

I'm sure the devil blames his tools for an unsubstantial magnitude of work at his workshop. That's not because he is a bad workman -- the human cranial cavity is just not the right space for a workshop

God helps them who help themselves. Does that mean God is helping himself?

All that glitters is not gold, but it is still worth something in the pawnshop.

All that glitters is not gold but all that glitters and has a density of 19.30 g/cm−3, melts at 1064.18 °C, is definitely Gold.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, unless you write the name on a stick or stone and then hit me with it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Unless the names are on the boxing bout chart and it includes your name.

Time and Tide waits for no man. It's too bad time does not wait for no man. Who the fuck cares about tide?

Time and tide waits for "NO!", man. That's all Time and Tide want to hear -- "NO!". They are like dogs that way

It takes two hands to clap but one is enough to punch.

It's wonderful to watch birds in flight but don't stare up for too long for one of them is bound to defecate in your eyes.

A pat on someone else's back is better than a foot up your ass but a foot up your ass is better than a yard up your ass, depending on the substance and at what stage of assimilation it is in your small intestine.


Power corrupts, but energy doesn't. Since energy is merely power over a large amount of time, it's ok to have power.

A stitch in time saves nine, but it would have saved much more if the English language had a number that rhymes with time that is larger than nine. If this proverb was constructed in an ancient language that had a word for time that rhymed with the word for infinity then a stitch in time would have saved more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, except if you are looking at it through rose-tinted glasses.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, because lunches are generally imprisoned by their containers.

A sword turned in to a plough can still inflict fatal wounds.

You can not write on a slate with a ball point pen.

God does not play carrom board with the universe, even though both have black holes.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S aka Three Idiots

Dear Baby V,

I had three friends: one girl and two boys. Let us now, for the purpose of simplicity, refer to the girl as F1 and the boys as F2 and F3.

F1 and F2 were a couple, at one point in time, until F1 got bored and cheated on F2 with F3. F2 found out and proceeded, with heavy heart, to dump F1. It was apparent, even then, that F1 and F2 still had feelings for each other.

The friends moved on in life, going their separate ways…

… until they met again, at F2's marriage function (ah dhang you). After a long time, F1, F2 and F3 were in the same room.

F1 is devastated and needs help.
F3 moves on, searches and "finds next",
while F2, to this day, is useless and serves no popular purpose.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Now Listening to : "Ebony and Ivory, living together in perfect harmony" (paraphrase)

On Mumbai

Dear Baby V,

In light of several discussions that I have read on the internet in the recent past on the status of Mumbai (aka Bombay), I have proposed a simple solution. First, to those who know not to what I allude, a few links to statements made by some random people.

I propose, to put an end to the question of ownership of Mumbai, that it be evacuated of all human residents and be solely populated by canines. This is an effective solution because canines have no geographical constraints on their inter-canine relationships. A dog from Madurai is no more or less likely to mate with a dog from Ludhiana as compared to a dog from Jalandhar.

Also, an added bonus is that such commonly heard laments will come true:

Random uncle : Arre Bombay has really gone to the dogs

Jilted Lover : These females from Bombay are all bitches man.

Angsty Business Man: Man, it's really a dog's life in Mumbai.

The Beatles(™) of Bombay : It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog(™).

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: If links are broken, blame KP

PPS: Don't steal my identity, Baby V.

Book List

A list of books to be read :

"My Father, The Porcupine" by Pablo Industani
"Coconuts, Rassam and Bullockcarts - an Alternate History of Civilization" by Xida Lalvani
"The Engineer Who Bought a Bowl" - Mandy Karmarkar
"Like A Deflated Tire, The World Is Flat" by Ramesh Ramachandran

"Autobiography of a Swine - Memoirs of Jaggi Thackeral" - Juggy Thackeral
"Eureka Surekha - How I Discovered The Love of My Life" - Suresh Mantri
"Jesus, My Mexican Friend" by Rakesh Mehta
"Denouncing American Idolatry and Other Modern Pagan Practices" by James McArthur III

"Pass - A Quizzer's Tale" by Shankar Gnanam
"Agastya to Simran - A Historian's Look at Crosscultural Ties Between the North and South" - CS Ramachander Guha
"Secrets of Chettinad Cuisine" - Sheila Kapoor
"The Parktown Prawn and Other Pests" - Nelson Mandela

"Might is Right - A History of the Left Handed Peoples of the World" - Naeem Hussain
"Icon-o-caste - An Adventure Through the Indian Caste System" - Bipin Banerjee
"Freedom of XXXPression - A Pornographer's Tale" - Karan Jowhaar
"Paani - A photographic journey of Water" - Vaani Thackersay

"Charudatt - India's Harry Potter of the early 5th century BC" - Nilesh Parthasarthy
"Butane and the Beast - How to Properly Cook Wild Game" by Charles Krishnamurthy
"The Violet Cobra" - Kundan Shah
"Ostentation and Obsequity" - Shoma Ray
"Hamara Desh" by George W Busch

"Might and Mockery" - Soma Ray
"Waiting for Godot Part II - She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" - Shyam Bhagat
"Dead On Arrival - A Complete Anthology of 80's Power Ballads" - S. Sabari
"Porn OK Please - India's Battle with the Multimillion Dollar Porn Industry" - Shirish Khande

"Standing, Not Stairing - A Beginner's Guide to Elevators" - J. Ibrahim
"The Rise of Sexual Hedonism in 21st Century India" - Shobha De
"Hair Care Guide For Men" - Baal Thakre
"When Squirrels Stand Tall" - John McManaman
"Mi Muhammad Ali Jinnah Boltoy" - M.A.Jinnah

"Indian Muslims: Where Have They Gone Wrong?" - Rafiq Zakharia
"Indian Muslims: Whats wrong with them? Rafiq Zakharia - A critical review" - P.C Mahanoblis
also published under the title
"Whats wrong with Rafiq Zakharia" (preface by Rafiq Zakharia)
"Indians are Black People too, (Not Just White)" - Xida Qutan

"Can You Take Me Higher?" - Abhishek Chaturvedi
"Dalit Emancipation - A Vedantic Solution" - Swami Revisionashram
"Man(U) Smriti - The Rise and Fall of Manchester United" - Dr. John Chanderpaul
"A Case For Slavery" - M Sriram

"Fear of the Dark - How Swarthiness Can Be Turned Into A Boon" - Dr. Shivnarain Khuranna
"Youth and Asia - A Study of Population Reduction and Family Planning in Asia" - Dr. Mercy Zhou
"Why I Killed My Tapeworm, The Hilarious Irreverent Tale of an IITian (Kanpur)" - Jatin Bhagat
"Let My Fingers Do The Talking - An Irreverent and Hilarious Tale of a Chat Conversation Gone Wrong" - Bacchi Batliwaala

"The Ghosht And The Daakus - Tales from Rural India" - Anuradha Chatterjee
"Freedom and Batatawada" - Bachchi Jugaria
"B.O.M.B.A.Y" - Jackie Shroff
"Heidi Klum : A Model For Open Soft-Wear (Illustrated)" - John Spacey

"One Day at the Gateway" - Nikhil Ambani, age 10 (TOI Bestsellers no. 2)
"Composition Note Book (now with additional markups by Latha ma'am)" - Ram Shankar (Class 8 C)
"Tukaram and Socialism" - Shankarrao Chauhan
"The Big Bhangra Theory" - Karamjeet Singh Sodhi

"Why We Hindustanis Will Never Succeed...Ever" also published under the name, "Why Turranis and Persians are Better Than Us" - Muhi ud-din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I
"My Experiments With Opiates" - Nur-ud-din Salim Jahangir , Emperor of India
"Clive Owen Might Be a Hero But He Is Nothing In Front Of Me" - Robert Clive, First Governor General of Bengal
"Masti Aur Main" - Atul Biharee Vajpayee
"Fascism for dummies" - Bal Thackeray.
"Learn to be a Maharashtrian in 24 hours" - Raj Thackeray

"India and I" - William Mandible, a random white guy
"Dalit Panthers Are Not Really Leopards At All!" - Dr. Salim Khan, B.N.H.S
"Karl Marx: A Modern Rishi" - Lala Har Dayal
"What Ails George Fernandes" - Laloo Prasad Yadav

"Brahmins, Do We Need Them?" - Adolf Nambudaripad
"You Can Find Me In Da Club : Tales of a Party-hopper" - Farooq Abdullah
"Noam Was Not Built In A Day : The Exercise Regimen of the Strongest MIT Professor of All Time" - Linda Chomsky
"Bevan Lives" - Autobiography of Michael Bevan

Liberal

My parents are liberal; they don't mind me going out with guys.

My parents are liberal; they don't mind me wearing western clothes.

My mom is liberal; she has always treated the servants right. She cleans their separate mug (which is slightly broken) herself.

My father is liberal; he might scream at his servants but then he often treats them with food.

My liberal aunt might scream at servants (who happen to be 'lower caste') but every time we cook chicken, we invite them (and give them that in their separate plates).

My family is liberal. We allow the servants to eat in the dining room with us (on the floor).

My grandfather was liberal; he felt very bad when a lower caste person who wanted to sit at the same level as he was slapped by the town goon.

My family is liberal; our servant who cooks food for us is a 'harijan' but we still don't have a problem with it ('Who has the time to cook these days, yaar?').


My family is liberal; they don't have a problem with me having a 'love' marriage, as long as it's a boy from our caste.

My family is liberal; they have told me you can marry anyone you want but not Muzzlem.

My family is liberal; we eat at restaurants even if they serve non-veg items there.

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying anyone irrespective of caste and creed as long as they are from a good educated family.


My family is liberal but come on man how can he marry a bai?

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying anyone as long as they have a similar cultural upbringing as ours.

My family is liberal but you know, marriage is not just the union of two individuals - it's the congress (ah dhang you) of two families.

My parents are liberal; all my mother's train friends are Maharashtrians.


I'm a liberal girl but I want my guy to dominate me.

I'm a liberal guy but, you know, after having kids it's better that the mother stays at home and takes care of them.

I'm a liberal guy but wtf man, it just sounds cheap when women swear.

I'm a liberal guy; I speak English and just hate it when someone curses in Hindi.

I'm a liberal guy; I feel repelled when someone can not speak good English.


I'm a liberal guy, but come on d00d, mechanical engineering is a man's field.

Our family is liberal but we can't understand why my cousin brother Chotu wants to do fashion design instead of electronics.

My family is liberal. We were always allowed to pursue any line we wanted to: doctor, engineer, architect, lawyer or even bureaucrat. Some families have strict rules about what their kids should be.

My family is liberal; I was always allowed to do anything I wanted ( 'But don't blame me if something goes wrong! It's your responsibility' ).

I'm a liberal guy but d00d that's what, you should treat women like d00d they are different. Use them and throw them.

I'm a liberal guy; I don't think premarital sex is wrong but I can't marry a woman who has had sex before.


I'm a liberal guy; I advocate freedom and democracy in India but Kashmir is strictly a matter of territorial integrity.

I'm a liberal guy but look at how these adivasis live d00d. They are better off living in cities than their poor lifestyle.

I'm a liberal guy. I believe in treating all people with respect. Wait. What? You're from Mizoram? LOL chinky chinky chinky!

My family is liberal; They never brought me up to hate Muslims but I want to destroy Pakistan.

I am liberal but I can't understand why you eat so often at that Pakistani restaurant.

I am liberal but I believe a unified country must have one language. South Indians should learn Hindi (but it should not be forced on them).


I am liberal but I hate people from Delhi; they are big haramis

I am liberal but all said and done people from Bombay have that arrogance about themselves.

South Indian Girls don't wax. I am liberal; I don't have a problem with that.


I am liberal, I have no problem with homosexuality as long as they don't hit on me.

I am liberal, I don't care if a person is gay or straight. It's none of my business (and neither is their persecution).

I'm a liberal Muslim. These a-hole muslims who come from UP, Bihar have made life hell for us. We are Bohris. We are an educated liberal people, descended from Arabs.

Ours is a family of liberal muslims. Islam doesn't say what these fundamentalist muslims (who happen to live in slums and poor villages) are saying. I hate these guys spoiling our name.

I am liberal Muslim, people who talk about Muslim marginalization in India don't represent me. India is a great country and I feel safe in it. Beta, it's 7pm it's not safe for girls to go out now. Ahmedabad is an unsafe place these days

We are liberal Christians but my mother doesn't like me playing Holi. It's actually because the colors are bad for your skin.

My father is very liberal. We are Christians. Liberalism hails from Christianity. Think about it. It's a Judaeo-Christian tradition. It's clearly written in the Old Testament.

We are Christians. We are liberal. We don't have caste system and other such things in our society. Our domestic servant, Mary? Really!!! I didn't know she is from a 'lower caste'!

As a liberal, I was happy when Obama became president. It's great when dividing forces of prejudice and racism are overcome. wtf? Oye kaamwaali, what the hell? You missed a big spot here. Can't you clean properly? Damn domestic help.

I am a Nehruvian Liberal. I don't buy this BJP communal outlook but the spiritual side of Hindu Dharma is clearly the wisest. Vedas say "sarve ni suki nas santu.....". Student: "But sir, doesn't the same text say 'strike those Mofos with vengeance lord Indra' " "That is a metaphor for peace."

Hinduism is a very liberal religion which believes in the equality of the sexes. In fact, you know, women are to be revered. We worship so many Goddesses. That shows our respect for them. WTF Shalini? Where the FARG are the Samosas? Don't you realize we have a guest at home?


I was a liberal, but there is a limit to this Islamic terror. These Muzzlems deserve the treatment they got in Gujarat.

I was a liberal socialist, but the fall of Soviet Union opened my eyes.


Ours is a liberal family. I was born a Brahmin but I was never brought up to observe caste system.

Ours is a liberal family; In spite of the riots my father is in touch with Muslims from work.

We are very liberal but you have to draw a line somewhere or these workers will sit on your head.

I'm liberal but it's obvious if you want to enforce law and order you have to come down strong on these terrorists (referring to muslims residing in slums).

I am liberal and a believer in freedom of speech, but you are a novelist you better write a novel; don't poke your nose in social issues.

My uncle is liberal; he has always wanted a school to be constructed on the Ram Janma Bhoomi. He also wants a school to be constructed over the slums by demolishing them since they are illegal.

I'm liberal but look at them; they live like animals.

I'm liberal but come on man love n all is just gay.

"I'm liberal but you cant apply liberalism to these barbaric people who don't understand common decency" - Capitalist/Marxist/Maoist Intellectual

D00d you don't eat meat and don't drink. What kind of liberal are you?

He is an intrepid, liberal journalist; while at Blitz, he exposed Ms. Naznin's love child's father as the Australian cricketer Dennis Bloom by tactfully procuring the birth certificate from the officials.


My parents are liberal but I don't think they would want their only son to marry a B.Com girl, after all he is a Doctor.

Our daughter is liberal, but she wants someone who is as educated as her or someone better.

My family is liberal but I can't upset them by marrying a Foreigner.

My family is liberal but my husband has to be a North Indian.

My family is liberal; they don't mind me marrying someone who speaks another language but after marriage she has to learn our language. You know, otherwise kids get confused.

My family is liberal, but you know you should be careful before marrying someone from some other linguistic groups, because these girls are pretty 'qattar'. They will talk to their kids in their language and their children end up confused. Look at Chintu (a perfectly normal kid who plays too much cricket and breaks our window panes).

Our daughter is educated, fair and beautiful. We are a liberal, open-minded, well-to-do Brahmin family. We are seeking a tall handsome Computer Engineer who has been brought up with similar values as ours.

--------------------

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

Mathemagically Perfect

Sketchy Propaganda, ah dhang you

Let me see how I look

Bourgeoisie Bengali Sweets

An Humble Request

To,

Respected Chairperson of Selectors,
Natural Selection Committee

Dear Sir,

First of all, I would like to commend you and your committee for your service to all living things on Earth (TM). Not a day goes by without our silent gratitude. I hope you have many more days as head of this great organisation.

Your committee's body of work transcends a "best of" compilation. However, I will single out a few of your works as total masterpieces. The most obvious one is the Dinosaur Extinction. Bravo!, sir. This was truly a masterstroke. Please give my congratulations to whomever raised this idea. But to say that this is my favourite work is a bit of a sellout; much like so-called Metallica fans saying that "Nothing Else Matters" is Metallica's best song.

Carnivorous plants! Truly another marvellous job. I haven't yet seen a Venus Flytrap in the wild, but Baby Vaijayanti has shown me diagrams from her Botany textbook. I am truly awed.

But no, that is still not my favourite work of yours. That honour is reserved for whales. Yes, the aquatic megafaunae. It really requires a stroke of brilliance to take life out of the sea, make it evolve into viviparous land-dwelling mammals, and then take them BACK to the sea. I get goosebumps whenever I think of it.

Ma'am, if I have somehow misled you into thinking that this is a fan letter, I apologize. I have an ulterior motive. Over the course of time, you have allowed the species commonly referred to as "domestic dog" to evolve into many different races. Simply put, I am not a fan of this move. It pains me to see that I have to share the "dog" mantle with such obviously inferior races as Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Poodles and other such lame breeds.

Please do the needful and cause an extinction in those races as soon as possible.

Thank you in advance,

Yours Respectfully,

Puppy Manohar

"Shane Warne : Ricky Ponting :: Bill Clinton : G W Bush" - Myself
"History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man, Godzilla!" - BOC (also Racer X)

Reduced To

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

"Without faith, without hope; there can be no turning back" - DT

Menu De Menu

Menu De Menu

Authentic Cuisine from the Valleys of Dracony

Fine Dining (ah dhang you)

Meals

Eat what’s served to you, bastiges

Fine Dining

Every second of making bad faces $1.00

Not washing hands before eating $2.00

Chewing less than 10 times before swallowing $2.00

Burping $1.50 / instance

Leaning over the table for food $1.00

Leaning over the table for utensils $2.00

Not saying grace before eating* $5.00

*This charge is waived if patron signs the following affidavit “I doubt the existence of an external agency responsible for creating and maintaining this world. Therefore, I have no gratitude whatsoever to that agency. Hence, I shall not convey my thanks”

If the above affidavit is signed, penalty for saying “God, this is so good” $7.50

Opening mouth while chewing $2.50

Crying children penalty $5.00/ child

Smelling the food before consumption $2.00

Adding salt before tasting food $2.00

Ordering in German 10% discount

Ordering in any other Germanic Language 5% discount

*Discount is reduced depending on linguistic distance of ordering language from Der Reichensprache

Discussing politik loudly $5.00 off

Saying “But of course, we have to keep in mind…” followed by a grammatically correct predicate $5.00 off

Advocating “Linear Execution” $5.00 off

Saying “If it weren’t for those …” followed by scornful term for any people who are darker in complexion (could include your own people) $5.00 off

Saying “Rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer” (Boss discount) $7.50 off

If the above is said as a toast $10.00 off

PS:

Words of wisdom from El Kptan, alias KPri:

oh yaa i called because i had to pretend to call some1
i was waiting in the corridor for some friends before lunch
and thats not cool to just wait there
so i was pretending to be on the phn
cause i was fking hungry

It's Like Raiiiiiiiiin

Dear Puppy Manohar,

The world's most beautiful flower which no one saw,
Because it grew on the railings of the 110 freeway.
The nobel laureate's speech that no one paid heed
Because they were laughing at his lisp.
The meaning of life that everyone forgot about
Cos it was followed by a flippant "I was just kidding"
God came to Earth but no one said "Hi"
While it (sic(sic)) played as a poor little black slave child.
The two lovers who were made for each other
But never fell in love because they belonged to different income groups.
The only two fans of one man film industry 'T Rajendra' in the world
Who killed each other in the hindu-muslim riots of '93.
The only book of world's only 154 absolutely (and I mean absolutely) useless inventions
Which was burnt by clergymen for its satanic overtones.
Researchers discovered that diabetes can be cured
With a substance only found in the colon of Dodos.


Now isn't that ironic. Is it?

regards,
Baby V
"If you torture me all night and I start speaking Spanish the next morning, I will be grateful to you the rest of my life" - Tariq Ali.

To BT. Or Not To BT

Chuck Shoe, The Wondering Shoe.

Stupidity: An Intellectual Property

Dear Puppy Manohar and respected members of the Canine Congress (ah dhang you),

Additionally, a joint research project of the WIPO and the United Nations University measuring the impact of IP systems on six Asian countries and (sic) found that "a positive correlation between the strengthening of the IP system and subsequent economic growth."
You might wonder why we are talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares? "Why are we talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares?", you would say. You might also ask why I put the adverb 'additionally' in the beginning. It is grammatically incorrect too, isn't it? Well, the answer to the last two questions is that I copy-pasted it from Wikipedia which had that term and I forgot to remove it.

Economic growth. Economic growth, my friends. The motivation behind all collective human effort. The reason why we have fine creations like the photo copier, the vanity plates and the Indian Railways. The ultimate reason why we all live. What would we be if it weren't for economic growth, so fuzzy, so ambiguous and yet so concrete and meaningful. Both at the same time. "Uncertainty Principle" as Heizenberg might call it or "Acintya Bheda bheda, Tatva" as Kula Shekar hypothesize.

"What is economic growth?", a reckless, naive youngster might ask. Economic growth is not a truck you just dump something on. You can not hold economic growth in your hands; you can not define it. It's like a fragrance. You can't explain it but you can feel it. You can only experience economic growth. I digress. (Hope that clarifies your doubt, Brother)

We are all unique. We were made that way. Hence, our thoughts are unique. Our ideas are unique. If you believe that you were meant to have the cake that you are eating, then you will agree with me that you were meant to have the ideas that you have. You truly own them. We all own our ideas. They are our intellectual property.

Human beings are born in sin, the ancestors of our Christian brothers proclaimed. They were right. Always remember, there is always a scientific reason behind the words of our ancestors. When we are born, we are born with a few ideas in our heads. Whose ideas are those? They are sure as hell not ours. They were invented by some human, whom we shall refer to as Mr. Muththu for better understanding. Effectively, we are stealing the ideas from him, from Muththu. Muththu, for the first time, thought of these things. And we don't even pay our tribute to him (or her).

Noam Chomsky, the father of modern linguistics who discovered language in the 1950s, theorizes that we are all born with an inborn mechanism to learn language. Well, do we own it? Of course not. Muththu owns it. Muththu invented language for the first time. And baby, he is angry. He is very angry. Nobody steals from Muththu.

Stupidity. We all do stupid things all the time. Some more than the others. We all have an innate capacity to commit stupidry. Some of us are gifted with marvelous skills in stupidry. Some others have to try hard. It's a wonder what the human animal can achieve if he doesn't put his mind to it. Who owns stupidity? Is stupidity commonly owned by all of humanity? I know, the mere mention of that takes us back to the Cold War. We know how that story ends.

Stupidity has to be owned by some one person or an organization with individual rights. The most obvious choice would be the inventor of Stupidity. Who invented stupidity? Muththu. Perhaps not the same Muththu who invented language. Perhaps someone else. Perhaps not Mutthu S. Perhaps, K Muththu. Perhaps not. But unfortunately, Muththu is not with us today. He is in Heaven (TM). The obvious logical step would be, well, Muththu's descendants should own stupidity. Like all property, this one should also be passed on to the next generation. So, who are Muththu's true descendants?

From the name, it's obvious that Muththu's descendants have to be the inhabitants of the Southernmost region of the Indian peninsula. The Thamizhans. Which other people can boast of being more stupid than the Thamizhans? Racist claim? Perhaps. Accurate? Certainly not. We have the xenophobic Maharashtrians, the belligerent Punjabis, the impulsive Bengalis, the warmongering Pashtuns, the isolationist Americans, the hypothetical Aryans, the conniving Chinese, the chosen Jews, the hunting and gathering Intuits, the extinct Easter Islanders, the confused Macaulayite Indians. We all can claim descent from Muththu. We all are equally stupid.

So how do we, in fact, find who owns stupidity.? This will be the major question of the 21st century. The fate of mankind depends on this question.

regards,
Baby V.
"Its the economy, Stupid"- Bill Clinton (TM)
P.S: farging laundry.

A Public Service Announcement

Dear KP (alias el KPtan) and Pri (alias Bengloorgirlindenver),

It is with epiphanous shock that Baby V and I bring this announcement to you. From this day forth, we ( Baby V and I ) declare both of you to be the same person.

This conclusion was arrived at in rather sudden fashion. In the course of our daily discussions, we (Baby V and I) realised that there was a distinctly KPesque tone to your correspondences. Upon further discussion, some facts about you became clear.

Both of you live in Houston ----> (1)

There is a mysterious relationship between Ma' Man JC and His Big Daddy. They are both different in that JC iz da werd made flesh and Big Daddy is da idea. -------> (2)

From (1) and (2) we get that Pri and KP are the same person, to be addressed henceforth as KPri.

The third, and perhaps most compelling, bit of evidence is that neither of us has seen both of you together.

This day shall mark the beginning of our Pilot Program. For the sake of administrative efficiency, all correspondences hitherto addressed to KP / Pri shall be addressed to KPri.

Thank you for your co-operation,

Puppy M and Baby V

"Tonight is the night when 2 become 1" - Spice Girls

Mental, Perhaps?

Dear Puppy Manohar and Baby V,

I feel there has to be an elaborate caste system or some type of hierarchy in all alphabets. English (roman?) alphabet is superior to all alphabets. It is discerning. It differentiates upper class alphabet from the inferior lower class. If script is egalitarian then thoughts will be egalitarian. And who has egalitarian thoughts? Correct, commie bastiges, terrorist islamists and dalit panthers.

But I propose that a 2 class system for alphabet is insufficient. We need to have an extensive caste system. For ex., the actual content which has the information in an expression should be all lower case. It's unimportant. Language wouldn't have existed if we needed simple expressions like, "Baby, get me water" (No, seriously. Baby, you are old enough. Do some work. Get me water) Most of the time all we have to say can be described in 2-3 words. Language was, one day long forgotten in the past, invented by wise sages so that simple, elementary expressions of man can be surrounded with a whole lot of absolutely redundant rubbish.

Hence the meaning, which is as I explained above, secondary, should be the lower case. The middle case should be for words to the effect of "you know..", "I mean..", "sort of", "like" which are like business classes of words. They strike deals between ideas. They compare, unite, "bring to the table", negotiate with 2 otherwise orthogonal ideas. This class should not be confused with words which have figures of speech.

Slightly higher up in the ladder comes the case for silent letters, accents or other such gay stuff. Such manifestations of the terpsichorean muse add charm to a sentence. It adds culture to it. These are important words. They have no meaning and no place in the sentence but they are important to keep the reader interested.

The higher warrior caste of course is the equivalent of the English uppercase. The nobility should be given a very high status. They might seem unimportant and utterly useless to the naive. They are important for the higher good. We all know what the basic tendency of letters is. They will all try to start the sentence or start a proper name. God forbid, the lowest class, that of content ever tries to presume any name or even militates to start a sentence. That would be anarchy. Readers would be confused. That would take mankind back to the Stone Age. Kill. Eat. Drink. That's it.

Then comes the highest of all, priestly class: the clergy of letters. These should be for the first letters of words like "hence", "and there fore", "of course". Anything with logic in it. Which other class can boast of such logical prowess as the priestly class? They are the intellectuals. They would serve the warrior caste of words and the merchants. They determine the meaning of an expression and they decide where the meaning will go.

Your daddy.

Yes I stole your intellectual property right.

Who's the daddy now?

"I carry the torch that trembles the mountain" - Shadow Gallery