Winter Soldier

I ate a live fish. Something inside me just died.

My father is Polish, my mother is Turpentine. So trust me I am the best piece of furniture you will ever sit on.

Repetitions

A: You have changed, you have.
B: Wait a minute. No, it seems you have. You are the one who is repeating "you have" like they did back in 17th century or something.
A: No you it is you. You do those things you do.
B: See again, you repeated "you do"
A: AAAAh! But this time it was not a redundant repetition. Sometimes you have to repeat words you have to.

And the joke is on ...

I told my friend a joke and he asked me to look up the dictionary for the definition of a joke. It turns out "2. something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce" So technically.....oh! alas.

She said. She said

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am black?"
She said, "No, its because you are bald"
So I got down from the chair and left the barber shop.

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am pink?"
She said, "No, its because you are bald"
So I got down from the chair and left the beautician's parlour/ parade.

She said, "No".
I asked her, "Is it because my ancestors are from Africa?"
She said "No, its cause you are bald. But wait, your ancestors are not African"
I said, "At some point they were. But wait, I am not bald".
She said, "Yes but at some point you will be"
So I quit my post as Dwight D. Eisenhower 34th President of the United States

She said, "No". I asked her, "Is it because I am brown?"
She said, "Yes that is it. Thats why"
So I quit being Dan Brown, the shittiest writer of the English Language.

Unclesariah

An uncle once asked me, "Yes barkhuddar, what does your father do?" I told him, "Uncle, he minds his own business. How about you?"

Cha Cha Changes

The bar tender said 5 bucks. I had a tenner so I asked her, "Do you want me instead?". She was visibly flustered. I don't understand- I was only trying to be the change I wanted to see.