Friday, May 02, 2008

Menu De Menu

Menu De Menu

Authentic Cuisine from the Valleys of Dracony

Fine Dining (ah dhang you)


Eat what’s served to you, bastiges

Fine Dining

Every second of making bad faces $1.00

Not washing hands before eating $2.00

Chewing less than 10 times before swallowing $2.00

Burping $1.50 / instance

Leaning over the table for food $1.00

Leaning over the table for utensils $2.00

Not saying grace before eating* $5.00

*This charge is waived if patron signs the following affidavit “I doubt the existence of an external agency responsible for creating and maintaining this world. Therefore, I have no gratitude whatsoever to that agency. Hence, I shall not convey my thanks”

If the above affidavit is signed, penalty for saying “God, this is so good” $7.50

Opening mouth while chewing $2.50

Crying children penalty $5.00/ child

Smelling the food before consumption $2.00

Adding salt before tasting food $2.00

Ordering in German 10% discount

Ordering in any other Germanic Language 5% discount

*Discount is reduced depending on linguistic distance of ordering language from Der Reichensprache

Discussing politik loudly $5.00 off

Saying “But of course, we have to keep in mind…” followed by a grammatically correct predicate $5.00 off

Advocating “Linear Execution” $5.00 off

Saying “If it weren’t for those …” followed by scornful term for any people who are darker in complexion (could include your own people) $5.00 off

Saying “Rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer” (Boss discount) $7.50 off

If the above is said as a toast $10.00 off


Words of wisdom from El Kptan, alias KPri:

oh yaa i called because i had to pretend to call some1
i was waiting in the corridor for some friends before lunch
and thats not cool to just wait there
so i was pretending to be on the phn
cause i was fking hungry

It's Like Raiiiiiiiiin

Dear Puppy Manohar,

The world's most beautiful flower which no one saw,
Because it grew on the railings of the 110 freeway.
The nobel laureate's speech that no one paid heed
Because they were laughing at his lisp.
The meaning of life that everyone forgot about
Cos it was followed by a flippant "I was just kidding"
God came to Earth but no one said "Hi"
While it (sic(sic)) played as a poor little black slave child.
The two lovers who were made for each other
But never fell in love because they belonged to different income groups.
The only two fans of one man film industry 'T Rajendra' in the world
Who killed each other in the hindu-muslim riots of '93.
The only book of world's only 154 absolutely (and I mean absolutely) useless inventions
Which was burnt by clergymen for its satanic overtones.
Researchers discovered that diabetes can be cured
With a substance only found in the colon of Dodos.

Now isn't that ironic. Is it?

Baby V
"If you torture me all night and I start speaking Spanish the next morning, I will be grateful to you the rest of my life" - Tariq Ali.