Friday, December 28, 2007

Bully and the kids in the dungeon


Dear Puppy Manohar,


In our school we have a bully. She pushes around everyone. Beats up the weak ones. "Protects her friends from harm" and "straightens their enemies". But who has chosen this bully? Why does she and not anyone else get to push everyone else around.

Wouldn't it be cool if we get to choose our bully? Then in that case, she would still do what she wants, but at least we would have the satisfaction of having chosen her. Feels a bit empowered, doesn't it? Sadly, our teacher doesn't let us choose our monitor. She has appointed the bully.
In any case, we are more scared of the teacher than we are of the bully.They say many years ago in 2nd D, the kids planned and created a united front and beat up the bully. When teacher came in, she gave everyone a nice pasting and made them kneel down outside the classroom.Their parents were called. The students concluded that the teacher is the source of all oppression so they all refused to listen to her from the next day and kept talking, screaming and pushing the benches to make that screeching noise.

The teacher then took the kids to the head mistress. It is said that the head mistress locked them in a dark dungeon inside the locked room besides 4th E. No one has heard from those kids ever again. They say that the kids are still locked in. Vincent, the drunkard peon, told me that when he comes early in the morning, he can hear them cry. It's been 20 years now, he says. They have become feral monsters.

Thats why kids don't say anything to the bully because she says if we talk they will feed us to the kids in the dungeon.

How do things work in canine societies? Of course you must not be that civilized. You hardly have any formal social structure. It must be just savage, "any one can do anything" nonsense. Uncivilized bestial anarchy, isn't it? Do you vote for your alpha male/female?

regards,
Baby Vaijayanti.

"You take a mortal man. And put him in control. Watch him become a god"(In a strange whining voice like you were just kicked where it hurts)- Dave Mustaine!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Chronicles of Coder Mami



Dear Puppy Manohar,


Have you ever been bugged (ah dhang you) by programming inadequacies? Do you feel bugs appear not because of the programmer's shortcomings but because of Evil Spirits? Do you feel that the software processes in your company are not good enough to save you from the evil forces of "issues"?


There is a new super hero in town. She is experienced, she is strong, she is wise, she is never wrong - Coder Mami. No one knows who she is or where she lives. There is also a book of sayings: "Coder Mami's Almanac" that have Old and New Jungle Sayings - Ancient Indian Tales on how to ward off evil spirits that are haunting your code.


Regards,

Baby Vaijayanthi.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

School Statistics




Dear NCERT Statistics Incharge,

Baby V and I have conducted surveys across the country and have compiled our findings into a neat report. Please find our statistics enclosed.

Hope you find them useful.

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

A Study of Indian School Children - A Report Compiled By Baby V and Puppy M

In a Mathematics or Physics exam, 79.2% of all school children have attempted to get full marks by writing a series of loosely connected equations, followed by either the answer (which was memorized) or "hence proved".
11% write an alternate proof, amounting to "Nothing in this world makes sense but we say it's true. So why can’t this be true?"
1% prove it using “argumentum ad ignorantum”. "Prove it's not so. Since you can't, hence proved"

75% of all students aged 14 want to be Bill Gates when they grow up.
22% want to be like him.
The rest want to be Melinda.

3% of all girls aged 12 claim they like certain film actors because they are Good Human Beings.
95.3% of all boys who are told this refuse to believe it.

92% of all boys grow up to say that the girls in their school were the best.

Average age of boys when they start using the "f" word is 11.34.
Average age of girls when they start using 'f' word is 13.03.
Average age of girls when they start using euphemisms for 'f' words is 13.06.

41.2% of students with an older sibling have been called by their older sibling's name, even if the older sibling is of the opposite sex.

Students with siblings or cousins in other standards are 85% more likely to become prefects than students with no siblings or cousins.

67% of all discipline prefects do not wear ties and / or tuck in shirts.
The combined attrition and firing rate of discipline prefects is 76.4%

Success rate of teachers trying to curb a student's talkativeness in class by changing their place : 0.14%

Only 0.01% of Head boys and head girls have any mutual attraction.
95% of all students think "the head boy and head girl are obviously going out".
45% of all head girls are taller than their respective head boys.

35% of all senior teachers have been quoted to say words that amount to "head (boy/girl) is headless only".

23% of all male teachers are prospective stand up comedians.

13.4% of the time, laughter at a teacher's joke in any class is forced and/or extended for a longer period of time than necessary.

The laughter density at a time after a teacher has made a joke is found to be concentrated in the areas of high ranking students.

3% of all male students are extremely popular hecklers.
Heckling is the only known form of comedy to 76% of all students.
12% of all female students find heckling extremely attractive.
87% of all male students believe heckling turns women on.

93% of all girls aged 13 like tall, strong boys.
93% of all girls aged 33 like tall strong boys.

33% of all boys think girls like smart first rankers.

92% of all students admit to having had homicidal intentions against the person who asks too many questions in class.
8% of all students ask too many questions.
91% of students who ask too many questions claim that they do so to stay awake.

99.3% of all students aged 6 are afraid of violence from teachers.
58% of all students aged 11 are afraid of the same.
0.01% of all students aged 14 are afraid of violence from teachers.
47.3% of all students are more afraid of remarks in the calendar than violence.
31.2% of all school going children are hiding their calendars from their parents because they got "remarks" in them today.

84% of all students have forged their father’s signature.
22% have forged their mother’s signature.
7% have forged someone else's mother's signature.

35% of all students aged 10 support nuclear weapons.
94.5% of those want the nuclear weapons to be used against school / school teachers.

92% of all male catholic students aged 13 have been quoted saying "This father is a c!@%@, man. The earlier one was much better".
86% of catholic school male students believe "This father has done a lot for our school’s [insert sport here] team".

78% of all non catholic students from missionary and convent schools believe "They teach them football in Religion class while we are taught bloody useless morals".
89% of all catholic students from missionary/convent schools believe "Those bastards are talking about sex in their class and we have to learn about the bible".

98% of all students can be quoted saying words that roughly mean "All this Morals and all are useless. Money is everything".

4.3% of students over the age of 12 do their homework regularly.
81.2% of students over the age of 12 copy from the above 4 %.
The remaining doesn’t give a damn.

2.3% of students below 10th standard know what "caste" they are.
97.8% of those in 10th std. know what "caste" they are.

96.23% of all boys believe they already know everything about sex education before it is taught.

2.03 % of 14 yr old boys know what a clitoris is.
2.03% of 34 yr old men know what a clitoris is.

99.3% of 14 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
99.3% of 24 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
51% of 14 year old boys claim they know what boys are like. The rest never thought about it.
0.01% of 26 year old men know what boys/men are like. 99% of them don’t care.

93% of all boys ages 14 believe "Ultimately, it’s all about sex"

96.46% of all matriculating students feel that their batch was the last good batch.

99.31% of all students believe the value of PI is 22/7.

95.35% of all schools have stories linking two teachers of opposite sex who fell in love but could not get married due to societal pressure.

1% of all girls in school are the love interest of 97.23% of all boys in school.

98.12% of students aged 8 believe that the religious figure on the wall of their classroom is watching them.
Less than 0.2% of students aged 13 and above believe that the religious figure on the wall of the classroom is watching them.

89% of 8 year old students believe it’s a sin to talk in class.
78% of 12 year old students believe it’s a crime to talk in class though not a sin.
97% of all students below the age of 13 rate "Cannot stop talking in class" as their biggest problem in life.

Average age of boys when they watch their first X rated movie : 14.02
13.6 % of boys say they've never watched one to appear virtuous.

1.3% of boys in 6th standard believe that when girls are separated for a "special class" they are trained to become spies for the government against boys, parents and society.

87% of all toppers in regional language subjects are non native speakers.

57.34% find observing 2 minutes in silence in the wake of a tragedy extremely difficult.

98.3% of students will say that the first ranker got their first rank because of "partiality" from teachers.
86% of all girls believe so.

1.27% of all school teachers admit to having written remarks in a student’s calendar with the hope that they get to meet their mothers.
99.3% of these teachers are women.

13.5% of all primary school kids have claimed at one point to have received "double promotion".

35% of students have at some point thought of overthrowing the principal.
85.6% of these students have been Bengali speakers.

100% of all boys’ only or girls’ only schools have a rumour that their school will become co-ed in the near future.

93.4% of all school going kids have used the words "principal" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

97.5% of all students aged 13 talk about sex in P.T period.
Almost all of them do so with members of the same sex.

78% of all school girls of age 13 who have low grades aspire to become secondary school teachers.

0.4% of all school children come back at some time in the future as "chief guests" for important school functions.


-----------------------------------------




Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Alternate Dictionary

Dear all,

Earlier, we gave you a bunch of words that had fallen out of use. This time, we present to you :

Obscure Alternate Meanings of Common Words

Alcohol To help someone pull a heavy load (I'll co haul)
Antagonist One who is committed to the extermination of ants (ant + gone)
Apparent A bad parent (a + parent)
Aromatic Not relating to the country of Italy (a + rome )
Ballistic A primitive sport like cricket (ball + stick)
Board To become like a pig (boar)
Branch A vegetarian meal consumed in the afternoon (variant of brunch)
Colander Someone who is on the same flight as you (co + lander)
Collateral Someone who is as late as you are (co + late)
Constellation A thief stealing from another thief (con + steal )
Contempt A bait for convicts ( con + tempt )
Cupboard Material used to make tupperware
Demeanor A person who demeans everything
Dentist A person who believes in banging into cars (dent)
Dictionary Relating to male genitalia
Dictum Portion of the body below the diaphragm and above the legs
Dinosaur Person with two noses (di + nose)
Economics The science of having one name (from Bangla)
Embargo A visit to places that serve alcohol (bar + go)
Etymology Art of reading time from the internet (e + time + ology)
Flatulent An apartment that has been leased (flat + lent)
Giraffe An animal chart (variant of graph)
Giraffe (Alt meaning) A social faux pas made by an elderly person (ger + gaffe)
Gypsum A small amount of cheating (gyp + some)
Idiosyncracy System of government where idiots and sinners rule (idiot + sin + cracy)
Intuition Currently teaching ( in + tuition)
Leguminous Having many legs (leg + many)
Liturgy The science of scattering rubbish (litter + gy)
Malice Queen louse ( ma + lice)
Masticate To glue everything (mass + stick)
Minimum An adolescent girl ( mini + mum)
Morbid Outbid someone at an auction (more + bid)
Morsel Mitosis / Meiosis ( more + cell )
Myriad Hairy (from Tamil for hair)
Mystical A tickle that failed (miss + tickle)
Pantry A workshop where trousers are mended (pant)
Prerogative Occupation prior to venturing into crime (pre + rogue)
Presumptuous Before a hearty meal (pre + sumptuous)
Programmer Supporter of the CGS system of units (pro + gram)
Refine To punish monetarily again (re + fine)
Reproach To dissect a segmented insect ( rip + roach )
Semaphore The number "2" (semi + four)
Syllabus A bus with silly advertisements on it (silly + bus)
Thesaurus The God of Dinosaurs ( theis + saur )
Toilet Just a little hard work (Toil)
Truncate To become an elephant (trunk)
Vendetta Time of procurement of a loan (when + debt)
Veneration The time something was spoken (when + narration)
Weed A plant that grows indoors (from Tamil for house)


Educate yourselves!

Regards,

Puppy M and Baby V

Authors' Note: Colonial Oppression is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs, the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive do inform us and we will remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Puppy is a Punk Rocker!


Authors' Note: Rock 'n Roll is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs, the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive, do inform us and we will remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Our Ancient Culture is against our ancient culture!


Authors' Note: Ancient Indian art is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs nor the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive, do inform us and we shall remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.
Another Note: The upper left part of the cartoon might seem unduly explicit. Its a humble, inaccurate and pathetic attempt at drawing this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:SiddhartaBirth.JPG (ah dhang you? not really. its offensive if you see it that way)
courtesy: wikipedia.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Linear Execution


Dear Puppy,

Our ancestors were indeed great. However, the long and painful rendezvous with the British was not entirely dispensable as might have appeared from my father's writings. Thanks to the aforementioned confluence of two otherwise antagonizing cultures, the 20th century Indian was able to brew a new social remedy for all evil. Previously unknown to mankind and/or simians, (It would be an act of pure optimism to even consider the canine and other such inferior forms of life in this argument) this method will shock the feeble-minded. (Reader discretion advised. Not suitable for perusal for Children under 3)

Most of us are unaware of this concept whilst it pervades ever so freely the problem space of our third-worldly lives. It is typically heard from "uncles" of all ages. Middle-aged Indians through out the country, leaving behind their linguistic identity, their religious persuasion or their political inclination, scream out emphatically and assertively:

"______ should be lined up and shot"

There are many things extremely remarkable with this cult of "Linear Execution". The most profound amongst these "things" is the insistence on making "them" stand in a line. Such discipline, such uncompromisingly meticulous process of execution (ah dhang you) invokes respect in the young and fear in the minds of the guilty. Alternatively, it might also be argued that the disdain and hatred that queues/lines (or the lack thereof) inspire in urban Indians has led to such a striking (ah dhang you?) expression.

The perpetrators of this cult who are affably (and sometimes scornfully) called "Uncles" often cite the application of this method of problem solving for almost every social problem.

Corruption: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Riots: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
India loses to Australia: "These cricketers must be lined up and shot"
Inflation: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Film star Exposed: "All these actors must be lined up and shot"
Garbage overflow: "all corporation officials ..."
rabid stray dogs found barking incessantly: "ALL DOGS..." (Puppy, this should enlighten you of your privileges)

It is noteworthy that while some uncles might propose a linear execution of only the guilty individuals, others insist that all practitioners of the trade have to be lined up and shot. This division is vivid, typically, in the treatment of the topic of political problems. While some uncles advocate the use of linear execution against only the accomplices in the event of an exposed scam, others argue that all politicians must be shot given the disclosure.

It is also important to note that not all "Uncles" are, what might appear to Westerners, cruelly extremist. Amongst "Uncles" there are moderates who, contrary to the radical "shooting" solution, propose "Whipping / Flogging" as more effective and becoming. Relatively benign social evils like a loss in a cricket match do not deserve extreme measures like shooting cricketers, they say. Thus, in lieu of capital punishment, mortally wounding or infliction of significant pain should suffice. However, regardless of the severity of action, UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES they have to be "lined up".

regards
Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Because you're mine, I walk the line" - Johnny Cash.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Another Eulogy, To Another Beast



Dearest KP alias El Kptan,

Happy (belated) Birthday!

This one's for you:

Only a KP can KP be,
For if he were not, he wouldn't be KP.
So let KP be KP, and KP he shall be.
And KP will live by his own rules, naturally.

If KP weren't KP, who would he be?
Not KP cannot be KP. For it is not KP to be Not KP.
There is only one KP, and KP is he.
And only one can there be, thankfully

He prevails over evil and fights for good.
He ensures peace in the neighbourhood.
If you're lost in a forest he'll gather the wood
And share his wisdom, as a good KP should.

If it weren't for KP, Not KP would be. We don't want Not KP, do we?

Once KP became Not KP. We were left without a KP.
Not KP prevailed for thousands and thousands of years
Until KP replaced Not KP. And there was KP everywhere.
We shouted "KP" and sang to KP's glory.
Which brings me to the real question -
What was before KP?
What is KP made of?
Whenst was KP?
Wherest is KP?
Why is KP?
And how is KP?
No seriously, where the f!@#! is KP?
And how the f@#$@ is KP?
What will be after KP?
Perhaps we weren't meant to know.

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.


Is KP relative to the frame of reference?
Is KP subjective?
Is KP inside or outside the box?
Would KP pop out of the box "suddenly, unexpectedly" (courtesy TAAQ)
And say, "It's KP!"?
Then we will know that KP was in the box,
And now KP is out.
Is KP made of Papier Mâché ?
Is KP made of anything at all? Or is KP just devoid of anything?
Does KP have his own pronoun?
Is "kp" KP's pronoun?
I, we, you, he, she, it, they and kp.

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

How fast is KP?
Is KP faster than light?
Can KP think faster than a computer?
Does KP think?
Does KP have to think?
Is thought and mental effort relevant to KP?
Does KP have the wisdom of Chacha Choudhary and the strength of Sabu?
Do human mental faculties have corresponding analogues to KP?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

Is KP?
Are KP?
Will KP?
Does KP?
Won't KP?
Shall KP?
Does KP kp?
Will you KP?
Did you KP today?
I am KP. Are you?
We are all KP.
KP is one.
...and yet KP is many.
Is KP unity in diversity?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

If KP is added to KP do we get KP?
Is KP transitive?
Anything with KP is KP with anything.
Nothing without KP is KP without nothing.
KP is selectively commutative.
Is KP + H2 -> KPtalic Acid ?
Is KP fat free?
Is KP tax exempt?
Is KP a national holiday?
How many KPs does it take to KP?
Is KP a renewable resource?
Does KP and the control thereof translate to power?
Is KP exothermic or endothermic?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

How do you measure KP? Can kp be measured?
Is KP flat or round or ellipsoid?
Do the heavens revolve around KP?
Or does KP move like everything else?
Is the 2nd derivative of KP with respect to time, kp ?
How many dimensions does KP have?
Integral of KP dt = ? + KP?
Is KP an imaginary number?
Does time stand still when KP orders it to?
Is KP odorless?
How many states does KP exist in naturally?
Does matter exist in the KP state?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

What is the capital of KP?
Who governs KP?
Does KP govern KP?
Is KP democratically elected?
Is KP anarcho syndicalistic?
Is KP a supporter of The People?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.


With best wishes,

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar

"Gimme the beat, boys and free my soul" - M. Williams

[note from Puppy M: Saarang at IIT-M occurs around the last week of Jan. May I suggest this as a piece for the elocution competition?]

Friday, November 30, 2007

Western Culture


Dearest Vaijayanthi and not so dear yet wokay wokay types dear Puppy Manohar,

It is time I let you know this. Be careful of the influence of Western Culture. You will soon grow up and you will come face to face (vis-a-vis?) with such predominantly western ideas as love, freedom, liberty, reason, democracy, anarcho-syndicalism and homosexuality. It is very important that you be wary of imbibing such values no matter how fashionable they may seem.

Our ancestors were great. For the last 4000 years we have fought invaders, resisted colonialism, disobeyed racially superior but karmically inferior races of lighter skin, flushed out pure mlechhas from bharat-varsha, killed rakhsas and married their beautiful consorts, destroyed asuras, tamed mythical beasts of little scientific credibility, invented deadly weapons with clearly fantastic powers and modern correlations.

Our ancestors were great.

And did you ever hear the word LOVE from them? Freedom? Liberty? (boy that word itself is 'gay', speaking of which..) Homosexuality? Mutual Pleasure during sexual intercourse? (which Kama Sutra talks of, a clearly secular and disposable text - A product of Indo-Greek-Gandhar-Let'shavesexbabyculture confluence) No, you did not.

Why? Because you cannot read Sanskrit and as a woman (and dog) you should refrain from that endeavour? NO. Because they never wrote such things.

Such ideas are well-suited for "their" culture of barbarism. It's simple evolution (which our ancestors discovered long back. Guess who doesn't believe?) Their cold climate, non-tropical environment, temperate forests and other such environmental factors have led to development of such values. They are perfect for people who have evolved there. Not us, baby. We are tropical people. The ways of our ancestors alone will lead us to salvation aka Moksha. It's simple science of evolution.

Think about it.

Your Loving Father,
Mr. Iyengar.

"What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more."
1 800 LOVE
Call us, you clearly are misled.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Python v 2.0

...or how to annoy an unsuspecting halfwit friend person online

[coolbabe_2hot4u has joined the chat]
[IamDaMan2k has joined the chat]
IamDaMan2k: hey wassup?
coolbabe_2hot4u: nt much. hey do i kno u?
IamDaMan2k: n bt id lk 2 no u lol
coolbabe_2hot4u: wat?
IamDaMan2k: n bt id lk 2 no u lol
coolbabe_2hot4u: sry i still cnt understand
IamDaMan2k: no, but id like 2 know u lol
coolbabe_2hot4u: well then y dint u jus say that in the beginning ?
IamDaMan2k: well i thot ud understand... i dint rly expect a Spanish Inquisition
[redCassok has joined the chat]
[crossesnchains has joined the chat]
[tehPopeRox has joined the chat]
redCassok: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
redCassok: first, lol
crossesnchains: Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise
coolbabe_2hot4u: wtf?
redCassok: Our two weapons are fear and surprise
redCassok: and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency
redCassok: and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.
redCassok: our 4 weapons...
redCassok: *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise
redCassok: s*** let's do this again
[redCassok has left the chat]
[crossesnchains has left the chat]
[tehPopeRox has left the chat]
coolbabe_2hot4u: wtf?...
IamDaMan2k: i dint rly expect a Spanish Inquisition...
[redCassok has joined the chat]
[crossesnchains has joined the chat]
[tehPopeRox has joined the chat]
redCassok: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!
redCassok: Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
redCassok: an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...
redCassok: ..and nice red uniforms
redCassok: !@#$!
crossesnchains: lol n00b
redCassok: ur gonna haf 2 do it
crossesnchains: ?
redCassok: ur gonna haf 2 do the bit about "our chief weapons are"
crossesnchains: i cnt do tht d00d
redCassok: let's gtfo
[redCassok has left the chat]
[crossesnchains has left the chat]
[tehPopeRox has left the chat]
coolbabe_2hot4u: ok wtf is going on here?
IamDaMan2k: i dint rly expect a Spanish Inquisition...
[redCassok has joined the chat]
[crossesnchains has joined the chat]
[tehPopeRox has joined the chat]
crossesnchains: ... nobody.. errr..
redCassok: expects?
crossesnchains: nobody expects a.. umm... spanish
redCassok: inquisition?
crossesnchains: ya d00d. nobody expects a spanish inquisition. amongst those who do..
redCassok: dud wtf? Our chief weapons are...
crossesnchains: our chief weapons are ... errr..
redCassok: surprise..
crossesnchains: surprise and...
coolbabe_2hot4u: k enuff of dis bullsh** im gone
[coolbabe_2hot4u has left the chat]



Best Regards,

Puppy M and Baby V

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

When I Grow Up...


Dear All,

Baby and I overheard the neighbours having an argument loud discussion while on my daily walk. Below is a transcription:

I want to be sacred, just like the cow.
I know you do, beta, but why, and how?
Why? So people will worship me
And give me stuff and things for free.

But yet, others will kill you and eat your meat,
Or use your skin to wear on their feet.
Ah yes, that part I haven't figured out yet
But I'll come up with a solution, do you want to bet?

But how about people touching and worshipping you like noobs?
And other ape-like creatures pressing your boobs?
You will have to stand in your own faeces.
Hormones injected on a regular basis?

Ah, you're such a pessimist, dad.
I'm sure it's a blast - a lot of fun can be had.
If I get free food and sarees of silk,
What's the harm in giving a little milk?

But that's a very narrow-minded point of view.
Well, son, why be a cow you can be a man and do that too?
You can dress up like a girl and go on dates with boys;
A few years ago even I made that choice.

I like lipstick, sarees and incessant talk;
I like to feel insecure and listen to 80s soft rock.
I am an optimist, I'd look at my own species, rather.
Grow up beta! Be a woman! Like your father.

Gee,dad, you are such an inspiration.
I don't see any gap between our generation(s).
I'm going to go now, and heed your advice.
But first, it's time to make jeera rice.

After that, I'll start to transform
And begin to defy the societal norm.
After all, it's possible in the modern day
For a boy to dress as a girl, and not be gay.

Daddy dear, I see the light now -
I'd rather be a girl, and not a cow.
Why only girl? You can be a stapling machine, though it's tough.
You have to selflessly pin people's things up.

You have to work all day and stare all night,
And always open up (never sit tight).
But there will be an occasional moment of joy so forgotten,
When you'll promptly get to stick to some random chick's bottom.

Or you can be a sailor, a whaler or the captain's sword,
Or a midshipman, overboard.
Wow, dad, that's a lot of choice
But I think I'll be a strange girl who dates strange boys.
And then I'll say "No one understands me."
"Stop your bothering, let me be."

Yes, that's like my boy, now you are thinking,
You don't need me to stop your ship from sinking.
No probs homie, do whatever meets your end.
But, don't forget, I am not only your father - I am also your transgender friend.


(THE END)

Enough of this doggerel. Back to your regular programming.

Regards,

Puppy M and Baby V

"What about your daughter, do you give a damn?" - Mattias "IA" Ekhlund / Freak Kitchen

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Ode To A Spider



Dear All,

In honour of our new "About Me", we present the following :

An Ode To A Spider - by Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar

Eat little spider eat while you can;
Eat the mosquito that I hold in my hand.
No dear human, that is not my will;
For I only eat that which I kill.

Tell me, dear spider, why should you hunt?
I've killed these insects with my tools, so blunt.
Come, dear spider, come to me; be my pet.
No, dear human, I've not been domesticated yet.

Spidy Spidy, all this just for you,
Although I'm sitting in the toilet and have nothing better to do.
Aren't you worried you will be extinct soon?
Not right now, dear human, only during the afternoon.

Do you want me to sing a song?
Why, my man, do you plan to be here long?
No thanks, actually, finish your job and go
And leave me to eat my mosquito.

Ha! Gotcha there! This one I have killed.
See, it's your ego - everyone wants their stomach filled.
What rubbish sense of pride you portray;
Behind my back you will eat it though it's not your prey.

Alas, dear human, this is where you're mistaken.
Only in your species, your pride you have forsaken.
Pride! Oh, we have plenty. And culture, you can't relate.
And please, I don't have to take lessons from an invertebrate.

Spiders have pride, too, you know.
Take that dead mosquito of yours, just go.
Don't sit there and stare and gape;
I don't need alms from a glorified ape.

Yes, but we have large brains and mouths, to chew.
You merely crawl around the web and search, (ah dhang you).
Besides, than you, I am a thousand times tall.
Shut up, or you see, that magazine will accidentally fall.

Such is the power of humans. And that is why we rule.
So you see children - Kill animals, Burn forests and Consume fuel.


Best Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

"Only the good die young" - Iron Maiden

Friday, November 16, 2007

Argumentum ad ignorantiam ?? Ghanta.


Take that!!! Farging Bastiges!
Unbelievers will rot in hell.
Regards,
Dr. Pandit Jataka Kundali (Mrs.)
1 800 ASTROLOGY
Don't call us, we will call you. We know the future.
"When you're lying there in my arms, I'm finding hard to believe we're in heaven" - Bryan Adams

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Greetings


Dear all,

May the light of progress shine on your dimly lit career.
May the light of knowledge illuminate the darkest regions of your mind.
May all the darkness of disability, lethargy and passivity be destroyed by the light of activity in your life.
May the dullness of despair be forever banished by the light of hope and optimism in your life.

May the light of faith deceive the darkness of godlessness, cynicism and reason (in your life).
May the dusty darkness of financial mediocrity, scarcity, the consequent frugality, be swept away by the purging light of abundance, in your life.
May you be energized, everyday, by the rays of communalism, casteism and narrowmindedness.
May the invigorating light of loyalty strengthen your weak causes, weaken your treacherous motives and cure you of bipartisan ambivalence.

May the bright light of truth keep you blind to logic, counter-arguments, and opposing points of view.
May the wrath of light burn your enemies down with vengeance and torch their infidel hearts so that they never rise again, but are doomed to eternal submission.
May the light of good cheer allow you to laugh at the misfortunes of others who are not as lucky as you.
May the light of scrutiny allow you to find something different about your fellow man (or dog) and help you discriminate against him/her/it.

May the emancipating light of desire free you from the clutches of social confinement and character.
May the light of prompt technical support shine on your malfunctioning appliances and life.
May your dark life enslaved by sin be cured by crackers of joy. (ah dhang you)
May the sweets of Diwali render sweet success to your otherwise dismal performance(s).

May the new dresses of diwali better address (ah dhang you) your shortcomings.
May you crush the demon of piracy and enrich the lives of deserving corporate executives.
May the light of Diwali show you the glory of superstition and old wives' tales.
May the overwhelming light of Diwali blind you to all the miseries of life.


Happy Diwali,

Best wishes,

Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti

This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive, do inform us and we will remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

So Sad


Dear Baby V,

Jammy's cryin'. Maybe you should write him a letter.

Regards,

Puppy M

"I'm the one the one you love" - DLR/VH

I wanna be Annarchy.


All I want is an Anarcho Syndicalist Society With Immediate Persistent Effect
baby V.
"Business is for cheating and oppressing people" - Adam Smith (paraphrase)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

At Long Last


Dear Baby,

Look what I learnt (sic) to do!

Love,

Puppy M

"It's all in the game" - Old Jungle Saying

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Pwnage Is In The Air




Dear Baby,


I am going to get right to the point today. I am not going to meander around the issue and hide under flowery metaphors.

I have been following the news and current events over the past few days, both domestic and international, and I’ve come to a conclusion. Our country is in desperate need of people who can inflict pwnage. We have been civilized for thousands of years but there has been no one Indian of whom the world talks in hushed whispers. Not one Indian elicits a reaction of fear and awe. I think this is a really sad state of affairs.

Allow me to present to you my solution:

Along the lines of the IITs and the IIMs, India needs to set up another set of institutions. Yes, you guessed it; they shall be called the Indian Institutes of Pwnage (henceforth abbreviated to IIP). Of course, the first Institute shall be set up in Pwndicherry. Others will be started across the length and breadth of the country. With Lord Pwnesh’s blessings, we will soon turn out top-quality Pwners, capable of pwning along with the best in the world.

Prospective Pwners will have to write the All-India Potential Pwner’s Exam (APPE) and only the truly talented will be taken in from this group. N00bs need not apply. These students will be taught by the finest Pwners from all over the world.

Courses will include (but are not limited to)

Formal Introduction to Pwnage

Contemporary Pwnage

Pwnage in Indian History

Pwnage in World History

Pwnage in Mythology

Pwnage in Sport

E-Pwnage

Now, Baby, we need to recruit top quality Professors. Do let me know if you have any particular candidates in mind. We will start by offering the PGDP (Post Graduate Diploma in Pwnage) and, once we get AICTE approval, slowly move on to offering 4 year Bachelor’s degrees.


Yours in Pwnage,

Puppy Manohar

“Is ‘Loosu Penne’ pasta with low moral fibre?” - Myself

IntelliJ sucks


Dear Puppy,

I think it's high time we stop all this fighting:
Emacs vs VI
Eclipse vs IntelliJ

And for what?

regards,
Baby V
"Is it easier on you now...you got someone to blame....we say one love" - Bono

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Anniversary

Dear Baby,

Today is a very special day. On this day, one year ago, the first post was uploaded to this blog. Look how far we've come! It's been such an eventful journey.

In our one year up in cyberspace:

- We've been blogrolled by the famous bosey.co.in ! How about that?
- We were given the honour of "Best Blog Name" by shoefiend. (I still haven't spent my share of the happy thoughts (TM) )
- We were recently blogrolled by a kind gentleman, Mr. Ashok, which increased traffic to this site by a factor of 24 gazillion.

It's so strange, now that I think about it. At this very moment last year, I was very close to where you are right now. And at this time last year, you were very close to where I am right now. It's as if Time is playing a stupid trick on us. Funny, isn't it?

To Everyone Else,

I'd like to thank (I think I speak for Baby too) the 3 or 4 people that actually visit this site semi-regularly (This includes you, Escape Great Escape - you are the only person we don't know personally who actually comments regularly). Thank you for your time and your comments. They are well-appreciated.

I don't mean to bitch (ah dhang you), but it would be nice if some of the people who lurk on the blog (yes, sitemeter doesn't lie) came forward and left comments. It's ok even if it's just "You suk lol! u guyz r crazee!"

In closing, I'd like to say: "KP, GFY"

Thank you again,

Puppy Manohar (and Baby Vaijayanti?)

"Say to me, 'Bartender, fix me one more drink.' " - Toad The Wet Sprocket

Monday, September 17, 2007

YKK Part Deux

Dear Baby,

I TOLD you there was something fishy about the YKK corporation. I wrote about it here. Now see what they've done!

This, mind you, is in Times Square! This is the heart of New York City! They are taking over the world! One zipper at a time!

Beware, baby, beware! (try saying that 15 times really fast)

Love,

Puppy Manohar.

"The shadow of the Wicker man is rising up again" - Iron Maiden

Thursday, August 30, 2007

KP


Dear Baby,

In my chemistry test yesterday I was posed the following question:

Write a detailed essay on Kp (15 marks)

I have sent you a copy of my answer; it got the full 15 marks.

Love,

Puppy Manohar
Chairman : Canine Chemistry Club

"Hey little thing, let me light your chemicals" - Black Crowes / Otis Redding

Write a detailed essay on Kp:

History and Background:


Kp, otherwise known as "El Kp Tan" (the Only Kp) was discovered in late 1982 in India, in an area now known as Bombay (town). The discovery of Kp was not a grand affair, and no one paid much heed to it, except the discoverers. Over the years, Kp has been observed in many places. These include, but are not limited to : the San Francisco Bay area, Greater Los Angeles County, Orange County, Bombay (town) and (very rarely) Bombay suburbs. It is said that environmental conditions to the north of Bombay (town) adversely affect Kp. This claim has, however, never been tested as Kp is more valuable than Gold or Platinum (Old Jungle Saying) and no one wants to risk tarnishing Kp.


Physical Properties:

Mass: 150 Kg

Density: 1182 Kg / cu. m (varies by allotrope)

Allotropes: There are 3 main allotropes :
Drunk Kp - 76.05 %
Stoned Kp - 23.94 %
Sober Kp - 0.01 %

Sober Kp is a very rare form of Kp and can only be synthesized under laboratory conditions from Drunk Kp or Stoned Kp. This process has only been recently discovered. Finding naturally
occurring Sober Kp is impossible and there are many cults devoted to this (vain) pursuit.

Stoned Kp and Drunk Kp are the naturally occurring allotropes of Kp, and they have some interesting properties:

- Stoned Kp glows in the dark.
- Drunk Kp fluctuates in density.
- Although Drunk Kp and Stoned Kp are both solids, they are capable of expelling volumes of hot gas from time to time in a process called "Enlightening".

It is possible to have a mixture of Drunk and Stoned Kp. Indeed, this is how Kp is most commonly found.

Chemical Properties:

Drunk Kp is a very volatile substance, and it reacts violently to many substances

- With Alcohols :
Kp readily "digests" alcohols, in a process called "Drunkification". Stoned Kp will exhibit more Drunk Kp behavior as drunkification increases. Note that almost all alcohols will be drunkified, with a few exceptions - one of them being JDNeOHL. Note that high volumes of Drunkification inhibit Kp's latent Good Joo behaviour.

- With Water:
This is an inverse operation to Drunkification, and is used in the Top Secret process to create Sober Kp from Drunk / Stoned Kp.

- With tetrahydrocannabinol:
Kp reacts with it to produce Carbon Monoxide and light. This reaction is responsible for the glow-in-the-dark property of Stoned Kp. When Kp has a high drunk and high stoned component, the glowing phenomenon observed is known as "Kpversence".

- Oxidation:
Kp oxidizes to give gold and -223 KJ of heat.

- Reduction:
Kp reduces in the presence of Vanadium Pentoxide to give Platinum.

- Acidification:
Kp reacts with organic acids in the presence of Sulphur as a catalyst to give a substance known as Kpus Vitriolus, accompanied by loud sounds.


Radioactivity:

Radioactive behaviour increases as Kp becomes more drunk or more stoned. There are two main isotopes of Kp, unimaginatively named Kp-Pl and Kp-Fktrd.

Kp-Fktrd is formed when there is an extremely high Drunk coefficient. At this point Kp is in its most dangerous state and needs to be kept out of reach of humans. Permanent tissue and liver damage can occur if the proper precautions are not taken. Exposure to large amounts of Kp-Fktrd has been known to incite rage in laboratory rats and other fauna.

In contrast, Kp-Pl is a benign isotope and is used to enable dating (ah dhang you). A measure of the Kp-Pl to normal Kp molecules is Kavorka. When there is a higher ratio of Kp-Pl to Kp, Kavorka is high and dating becomes easier. This mechanism of Kavorka -> dating is known as "Luring into KPtivity" and is commonly observed.


Handling and Other Notes:

Drunk Kp is a dangerous substance and should be kept away from young children and morons. Owing to the fact that Stoned Kp can easily be transformed into Drunk Kp, it is advisable to keep young children and morons away from this as well. This property has led Kp to be banned in many South Asian countries. The possession / sale / trafficking of Kp is a serious offence and can lead to punishments ranging in severity from Public Flogging to Execution. Kp has, however, been decriminalized in some states of the US and the EU for recreational use with the caveat that it is illegal to possess more than kp units of Kp. Kp is on the banned list of substances in the EU's RoHS (Restriction on Hazardous Substances) directive. Kp is freely available in India, and law enforcement is very lenient towards it.

In recent times, Kp has become a mandatory presence at any party or other such social gathering. Many times, parties have been declared to be "duds" or "miserable flops" when required amounts of Kp are not present. Since Sober Kp is impossible to attain, the social standing of the host of a party increases exponentially as an inverse function of the Drunk / Stoned quotient. This is mainly because, as the ratio of Kp-Pl increases (as Drunk coefficient increases), the KPtivity effect comes into play and the higher Kavorka keeps party-goers entertained.

Thus we see that Kp is an important substance in our lives. It must, however, be treated well to ensure that accidents do not happen.



-

Monday, August 27, 2007

Pwnam


Years ago one people invented something that Europeans travelled across the globe to trade in. There is one state that has that substance in abundance. This state will soon start harvesting it.

Today, all people who cultivate that substance will celebrate and pray to the God of that substance. The ultimate substance of superiority.

Here's our salute to Pwnesh, The god of Pwnage.

Happy Pwnam to all the haves and have beens of the world of pwning.

Do you wanna get pwned?

Baby V and Puppy M (I am assuming you are with me on this one. puppy?).

Authors' Note: Onam is the harvest festival of most people from state of Kerala. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs nor the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive. Do inform us, we shall remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Monday, August 06, 2007

So much for the joker


Puppy,

I swear this is not inspired by the Joker.


I'm a traveler, a reveler, every street to me is familiar.
I eat at every kitchen; I shop at every store.
I'm a cavalier, I'm a howler, I'm a bourgeois middle leveler;
Nothing feels like home anymore.

I'm a prowler, I'm a bowler - a heavy metal growler.
I dance at every club, sway at every show.
Bargainer, harangue-er, a compulsive headbanger;
My throat is parched and my feet are sore.

I'm a juggler, a smuggler, a daylight burglar.
I am priest; I am a whore.
I'm a fabler, a parabler, a left wing babbler.
I won't tell you anything you haven't heard before.

I'm a messer, a cross dresser, I'm a pointless point stresser* ;
I fly the skies; I crawl on the floor.
I'm a pauser, I'm a tosser, I'm an unidentified saucer;
I'm always in your face, I'm hard to ignore.

I'm a blower, I'm a flower, I'm a "will go where you go"er;
I bomb bay, I bang a lore.
I'm a fresher, a party basher, I have the youth I treasure;
I am a graduate, I'm a sophomore.

I'm a stunner, a slow learner, I am a rat race runner;
I get what everyone has in store.
I'm a winker, a thinker, a really social drinker;
But I'll guzzle all you can pour.

I'm a hammer, a jammer, an email spammer;
I am the cop, I am the chor.
I'm a gunner, I'm a burner, I'm a fatal table turner;
I'll play you fresh tunes, you can be sure.

I'm a giver, I'm a lever, the sender and the receiver;
I am superlame, I am hardcore.
I'm a kneeler, I'm a stealer, I'm the freedom dealer;
Whom do you think free trade is for?

I'm a slacker, I'm a cracker, I'm an assembly-code hacker;
I use VI, bitch, I don't need anything more.
I'm the sleeper, the reaper, I'll send you there way cheaper;
I'm the Bush, I am Al Gore.

I'm the trier, I'm the crier, I'm the hellish fire frier;
I wait for you at the door.
I'll ignore ya, I'm a lawyer, I suffer from paranoia;
I'm very bored, I think life's a chore.

I'm strong, I can fight, I am also really bright;
I pretend I'm seventeen, but I'm really 34.
I'll atone, I'm alone, I am the evil clone;
I'm asexual, I regenerate with spores.

I'm free, like a bird, but I'm a big lizard.
Some people call me joe, you can call me dinosaur.
I'm a baller, I'm a caller, I throw my heavy dollar;
Don't walk on my lawn it is for show.

I'm a maker, I'm a breaker, I'm an early morning waker;
I'll be free at six, call me at four.
I'm a flyer, a littler higher, I'm a new things trier;
I float on air, I'm made of foam.

I'm a juggler, I'm a struggler, I'm a holy potion smuggler;
I do it for salvation, don't try this at home.

regards,
Baby V.
"I'm a joker, I'm a choker, I'm a mid night ?ker" - The Joker

Friday, July 20, 2007

Globalization

Dear Puppy,

I heard a real great economist say the following about Globalizaton. I think I love it to so much I am starting a new religion with this as my preamble.

"The poor complain; they always do
But that’s just idle chatter
Our system brings reward to all
At least all those who matter."

"Om Shantihi Shantihi Shantihi." - Wasteland, Eliot - Shanti Stotra, some Veda (Atharva?).

regards,
baby V
P.S: DEAREST "Escape Great Escape" I WANT TO HEAR YOUR OPINION ABOUT Globalization.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Some more sample letters

Dear Umesh Rao (Jr.)

Please refrain from loudly singing "rain rain go away" during the monsoon season. I am a humble farmer and, as a humble farmer, it is my duty to inform you that rains are an integral part of our life. Without rain, there will be no crops, no farm, and hence, no humble farmer. You now see how your incantations are promoting farmer genocide.

Of course, it is not entirely your fault. Western culture and a colonial hangover are to blame. Still, I will appreciate it if you stop singing.

Thank you,
Yours sincerely,

Hugo Bhoominathan
Farmer-in-chief
Mexican-Indian-Indian Farms

"I swear, by the moon and the stars and these guys" - All 4 One
____________________________________________________________________________________

Dearest Disha Ma'am,

We have been neighbours for over 15 years now, and my family and I have always supported your literary efforts, but I must complain that it is getting out of hand. We are not as young as we used to be, and I have small children in the house, so I am requesting you to please confine your writing sessions from 10 am to 5 pm. The noise is really disturbing us.

Thank you for your understanding,

Mrs. Justbeer Corr
now listening - "Machine head" by Bush
____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Akhilesh mami,

I forgot to drink the hot chocolate you made for me the other day. I took the cup and used it as stumps on the bowling end. You know how tough it is to buy real stumps and other cricket paraphernalia.

Since our bowling side did not take any wickets (not even run outs) and since after that innings we basically fought with the other team, the hot chocolate is intact.

Please do pick it up from the school ground. Give it to me tomorrow in school. I will sip hot chocolate in your English class.

regards,
Dr. Austin D'Costa (Mrs.)
"will you dance if i asked you to dance" - Enrique
____________________________________________________________________________________
Dearest Pappu Manning,

I do not appreciate your tone of voice (sic) in this letter. I am afraid this will have to be reported to the authorities for cyber-bullying. I am a firm non-believer in the Coyote Fear Club (CFC) and I think global warming is a myth too. So please take your propaganda somewhere else.

Sincerely,

Shambu

I'm not just Mani, I am Maniar! - Myself
____________________________________________________________________________________

Mrs. Manickjee Cooper,

I thank you on behalf of the Indian Joint Family Movement for signing up for the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treat.

The agenda of this party is to get as many individuals drunk, copulate and then reproduce in to a highly complex joint family with convoluted parental and spousal relationships.

Please bring your own intoxicants in the spirit of pot luck.

regards,
Comrade. Guntoor Mama.
"Imagine no possessions and no religion too"- John 'Lenin' (ah dhang you)
____________________________________________________________________________________

Hey Mona

Will you water my plants daily? My apartment is right below yours and I see that you drop a lot of your water while watering your plants. I have placed the 'kundis' (marathi for horticultural soil enclosures) so that the excess water falls right in to them. Still, if you can just make sure that they are watered regularly.

I personally hate plants, I don't care a lot about anything green. But since, hence.

regards,
Mrs. Madhav Ferguson.
"'Indo Scottish relationships rule" - Annie Beasant, an Irish lady.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Prof. N Machha,

Yesterday in your lecture, you spoke about armpit implants. Does it involve prosthetic arm pits?

I believe prosthetic armpits will be a better option as they would not sweat and forbear ominous odours.

regards,
Ayyo Coyote (Mrs.)
"Summa adhirudhu..illa?" - Sivaji
____________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Sunita,

I saw your profile online. You seem very interesting. Wanna make friends?

Prabhat (Mrs.)
____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Prabhat (Mrs.),

Thank you for your offer, but at this moment my friends "cap" has been reached. You will have to apply again next year to be considered.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but hopefully you will regard the old saw "you snooze, you lose" the next time you apply.

Sincerely,


Sunita
____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr Sunita,

There seems to be some mistake. My friendship with you is sponsored by "Chat With Chicks" a Non Profit Organization. Thus no cap applies to my application. I request you to consider it in light of the afore mentioned policy.

Prabhat (Mrs.)
"No ..its not Prabha T. Its Prabhat" - Prabhat

____________________________________________________________________________________

Hey Ashwanth,

I am Amit's ex room mate and as you can see from my bad ass facial hair, I am not gay neither a girl.

regards,
Amit's Ex Roommate
"Knock Knock! whos it? Ha..Who Ha? Whoaahaahahaha"- Ancient Indian Saying.
____________________________________________________________________________________

Hot for teacher.


Dear Dr. Mr. Rochona Mahapatra,

I am glad to inform you that your son Dr. Mrs. Sarandeep "Pity" Singh has succesfully completed his "Total Transformation Course" i.e 9th standard. He has transformed from being a below average talkative student to a barbaric loud nutcase.He makes fun of me all the time and passes comments on me (in Chennai slang Tamil) in front of other apes of his class. I dont comprehend as I am from Bombay (town) and we Bombayites dont care about any other language but Bombayian. The whole class laughs and thinks that insulting the principal is ok.

I have written many a remark on his calendar. He keeps losing his calendars and finds unimaginable excuses for not getting it signed by you. The latest excuse that he gave was that you, Mr Rachana, yes you are him. i. e he is his own father (as well as his own mother). I just want you to know Beta Sarandeep, that I know you are reading this letter and that there is no Mr Rachana. Your fathers name is Principal. Naano Chaasno Glass. a.k.a Me. Yes, son I am your father.

I am sorry it had to come to you this way. But I had an affair with your mother, Dr. Mr. Sean Fitzgerald an Irish Bureaucrat of the British Raj. She disowned you and I decided to raise you as my own (which in fact you are). But I think I am bored of raising you. You are old enough to take care of yourself. Find yourself a passion and follow it. I have found mine, I am goin surfing to Jamaica _m/. Bye. Dont follow me, I will only hurt you.

regards,
Principal Naano Chaaasno Glass (Mrs.), Phd.
P.S: On whom is the joke now?

Monday, July 09, 2007

SAP




Dear readers,

Baby and I are proud to announce that, like El KP tan, we too are SAP experts.

Enjoy!


Strong and powerful
Samir almost panicked.
Sita arrived panting
so Auntie Patty
stopped all purchasing.
She advocated peace
saying, "All people
still are purchasing;
shops are perversions."
Sadly, a patient
suffered and puked.
"Stalls arent perversions",
said a proctologist,
scrutinizing a posterior.

Somewhere, a pirate
saw a policeman
shaking a peach
slowly and patiently -
Stopping and pirouetting,
silhouetting a pancreas,
shaving a porcupine.
Samit A Panicker
sweated and panicked.
Sita, also petrified,
sobbed and prayed.
So auntie patty,
sane and practical,
suggested a point.
"Stop acting, punks",
she articulately proposed.
So, almost perfunctorily,
students anulled practicising
sex and porn.

Soon all pornography
sellers and peddlers
surrendered all possessions.
Surely, after protests,
slowly all preexisting
stigmas and presumptions
suffered a persistent
shaming. A pact
surfaced alongside protests.
Surfers and partridges
summoned a parliament,
silently and purposely.
Such are politicians,
shameless and parrot-like,
seated along partisans,
smiling and petty,
sly and pretentious.

So a perfect,
solemn, astute priest
stepped away, probably
supposing a peacechord.
Sadly, a pugilist,
sombre and pugnacious,
sighed. Almost perfect
saturday afternoon precipitated
showers and picnics.
Silence and passion
sought and plundered;
Sorry about polygamy,
sati and programmers.

Simultaneously, anti - piracy
supporters assembled peacefully,
softly and purposefully.
Still a policeman
screamed and pranced.
Satyagrahis annihilated polity
shouting "a pen!"
"Satyagrahis, A pen!"
"Save a pen!"
"Sir, A pen!".
So, amidst partying,
some asshole pulled
sharpeners and pointed
sin associated paraphernalia
southward. At peace,
sinners always pray,
showily and prominently.

Suddenly at purgatory,
Satan allows perjurors
sexual autonomial powers.
Sadly, all powers
sinful, albeit pestilent
suffer a pitfall.
Such are powers
satan accords people.
So auntie Patty,
satisfied at progress,
stirred a puree
smiling, at peace.


Yours,

Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti

"Les derniers seront les premiers" - Celine Dion

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

You know we had no time..we could not even try



Dear Puppy,
regards,
Baby V
"The people laughed till she said, "Burn!" - Deep Purple

The Pen is On the TABLE



Dear Puppy,

The pen is on the table.

regards,
Baby V.
"They can buy anything. But they cant buy backbone" - Maxwell

Monday, June 18, 2007

Bharatiya Sanskriti











Hi Puppy,

I think Daddy is all set to write a new book.

regards,
Baby V

"Richard Gere looks exactly like Roger Waters." - el KP tan
"thats against our culture" - baby v

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Nicotine Woman



Dear Puppy,

An old hermit from Mumbai told me this story:

dekh bidu thoda thanda ley tereko story sunata hai
dekhte hai teri khopdi mein kitna akkal jaata hai
yeh kissa hai ek item, "cigarette manjula" ka
uski ek nazar pe sab bole "jo hukum mere aaka"

manjula ka shohar saala whisky mein jeeta
manjula ko marke hi voh chain ki saans leta
manjula ne thode din bahut sun ke liya
lekin ek din uska dimag out ho gaya

manjula roti bana raili thi
shohar ne bahut jyada pee raheli thi
plate ko phekke voh manjula pe bhaunka
manjula ne usko belan se thoka

us din manjula ne usko bahut phatkaaya
manjula ne belan uske peechu ghusaaya
laath marke hospital mein bhijaaya
voh bichara kabhi vaapisich nahi aaya.

usdin se jo bhi samajhta usko abala naari
manjulane bana dala usko bhikaari (balaatkaari - Ashay)
manjula boli mumbai ko dhue mein udayegi
akkhi mumbai ko mein cigarette pilayegi

life mein apne abhi sirf paisaich dharam
four square, char minar gudang garam
chilam, hashish, ganja, khullam khulla
duniya bulati usko "cigarette manjula"

juhu mithibhai ka chokri chokra
bahar se "pot-au-feu" andar se dhokla
ek din chowpaaty pe unko bulaaya
8-10 khoke ka party manaaya

ghati minister bola "Indian Culture" "Indian Culture"
saala poora party ka kiya tire puncture


manjula boli "yeh chindigiri se apni nahi phatthi hai
chaay paani chaiye bol? itni kya masti hai
paisa lene sion aana udhar apni haat-bhatti hai
nahi toh idhar mera haath udhar teri kaanpatti hai

itna powerbaaz aurat tha cigarette manjula
sab log kartha jo bhi usne bola
lekin life usne us vaqt dhakka khaaya
jab uska el KP tan par Dil aaya


el KP tan jidhar jaye udhar cha jaat tha
lekin saala usko Hindi nahi aata tha
Manjula ko aata sirf "thenk you" ne "Pilis"
el KP tan, full too talk Inglis walk Inglis.

...

regards,
Baby V

"I was going to say something, but I forgot" - Anon

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Chloro Plasto




Dear Puppy,

have you heard of LeafBoy?
Have is entirely made of leaves.
He makes his own food.
He appears green but isnt really jealous of anyone.
He is photsynthetic

No one understands his pain though. People think he has no feelings. Some scientists claim he does. He hides from the rest of the world. Can not speak, but listens to everyone. He sees everything but no one likes to see him.

But he is a super boy. He will save us from extinction.

He is herbal, organic like all of us, and has no side effects.

Have you met him? Very few people in the world have seen him.

I saw him. Just now.

regards,
Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Dead or Alive?" - Jon Bon Jovi

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I am not Ginger




Dear Puppy,

There is a new spiritual experience in vogue these days. People wanting to talk to spices. In recent years, due to the advances in Natural Language Processing, Speech Recognition and of flirtatious callers, there has been a rise in usage of "Automated Customer Service Agents". Companies, Government offices, californian boyfriends and troubled husbands have started using "Automated Speech Response Agents". These techniques maintain the spirit of conversation without the speaker knowing that the listener is but a program.

These computer programs are humanoid conversation specialists that are well versed with various western accents of spoken English. However, in spite of the reduced costs, sheer joy of throwing verbal abuses and other such great advantages researchers have found out that there is a dangerous side to this practice. Talking to "automated speech machines" can increase the risk of a very rare disorder known to the scientific world by the name VRD. The symptoms of VRD, its effects on the human body and its remedy are unknown. VRD is extremely hard to diagnose and in some cases is known to pass by without any damage to the system. In most cases, however, VRD does not pass so easily. It stays. But what exactly it does, is unknown.

And that is the prestige.

what? who said that? who said "and that is the prestige". Never mind. Moving ahead.

VRD is not a new disorder. An epidemic of VRD broke out in the ancient world, where hundreds of thousands of scholars of the priestly class of Vedic people of ancient India chanted scriptures almost mechanically. In the town of Kapilavastu alone, thousands of Brahmins died of VRD. For thousands of years the "Hindu" scriptures have been kept alive by mechanically memorizing the verses. This led to the rise of VRD. Scholarship in the Vedas being patronized by the ruling class, women were more attracted to people who were better memorizers and automated reciters (and consequently VRD prone). Thus, these individuals were naturally selected. And even if Darwin was just another bearded Marxist, the genetic propagation of VRD can be explained by the Hindu tradition of parental disposition. (So up yours, Darwin and Mendel.)

The "scientists" (Phd. bearers), of the "Our Ancestors Were Awesome, Werent They? Institute" aka OAWAWT?I, Nagpur have suggested a traditional prevention plan for VRD as prescribed by Ayurveda. Regular conversation with spices is said to prevent VRD. The explanation offered by the Atharvaveda is the following:

"||Aham awesomam, twam rogi||
|| Tatsam ||"

which crudely translates to "I am awesome. You are diseased. So, thats what"

Dr. Carl Hiddengaonkar of USC, a leading Indologist has come up with a technique based on the Ayurvedic practice:

1) Take your phone number
2) Subtract it by 9
3) Call this number and ask "Can I speak to ________?"

The blank can be filled with the name of a spice. "Every person is born in a spice, just like in Astrology every person is born in a sign. This spice is his birth spice. You should consult your family astrologer or you can call me at 1 800 SPICY;) to get free consultation on this matter", says Dr Hiddengaonkar.

So the next time you receive a call for Garlic, Pepper or Jalapeno; acquire the spice and courteously hold the receiver over it. This will help us all get rid of VRD.

regards,
Baby Vaijayanthi.
"If you wanna be my lover, you have to be my friend"- Posh Spice

Thursday, June 07, 2007

To Alice with luv



Dear Alice,

A signed post card!

Luv n Luck,
Baby V and Puppy M.
"See...Sammy 'throws' a party. I am the party." - Dave Lee Roth

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Ek Onkar



Authors' Note: EK Onkar is a central philosophy of the Sikh Religion. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the neither the religion nor the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive. Do inform us, we shall remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Pup-lick Speaking



Ladies and Gentlemen,
Boys and Girls,

and my fellow canines,

There comes a time in a puppy's life where he (or she) has to stand up, grab the microphone and take center-stage.

My time is now.

Today, for my public speaking debut, I am going to talk about "change".

A wise person before me once said, and I paraphrase "d(change)/dt = 0". For all you calculus illiterates out there, this simply means that change is constant. I have since learned that there are other such constants, including but not limited to Death, Taxes and Australia winning the Cricket World Cup. We, however, are not concerned with these trivial things and we shall concentrate on Change.

In my limited years on this planet, I have seen the word "change" used in many forms. It has been used to refer to small coins that can choke a puppy such as myself, to denote the act of transformation, or as a verb, to transform something. I have also seen it appended to the name "Jackie" on the television and on large, glossy posters on the streets. As a result of this varied usage, you are now looking at a very confused puppy.

Speaking of puppy, who came up with that word? "Puppy"? Why do balding, German men refer to their complicated measuring devices as "puppies"? I fail to see the similarity between a Spectrum Analyzer and a canine. Spectrum Analyzers do not have ears. They do not have noses. They do not urinate on trees. Why, then, are they referred to as "puppies"? Some human behaviour I will never understand. Scratch that - most human behaviour I will never understand.

But back to the topic of this speak, i.e., "Change". Yes, now where was I before I digressed?

"Change" can be of two types - "Loose Change" and "Unwelcome Change" but these are fuzzy distinctions. Sometimes, loose change can be unwelcome change. To illustrate this point, imagine yourself (or your owner, if you are a canine) going to a grocery store. Now, a delicious snack is chosen and its price has been read from the compulsory "MSRP" label. Assuming this MSRP number is odd, usually a slightly larger amount is given to the store owner. Now, in the case of ( unwelcome change = loose change ) the owner will hand back several coins of small denominations, leaving the purchaser no choice but to make faces and put it in his or her pocket / wallet / handbag / purse or pouch. At this point, the coins will jingle every time a movement is made, much to the annoyance of the mover. This is a good example of the fuzziness of change. Many more examples can be found from the India Change Fellowship; we have 1000s of books and audio lectures on this subject.

With this, I end tonight's speech.

I look forward to interacting with you all during the after-speech cocktail party.

Thank you, and Happy No-Pants Day.
Of course, if you are a canine, every day is No Pants Day!

Have a good Evening!

(- Puppy Manohar)

"Tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around" - Gin Blossoms

Monday, March 26, 2007

Don't Let The Killers Get Away

Dear Baby V,

Words fail me - watch the video instead.



Love,

Puppy Manohar

"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" - Culture Club / Boy George

PS: For lyrics, go to here.