Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Cordial Learning

Dear Pupils,

We have gathered here today to learn something very important. The day before yesterday, we discussed the importance of discipline and a powerful central authority to administer control. We argued how everything would be chaos if every person were his own lord. Yesterday, we learnt about the indispensability of necessary violence and coercion for social good.

Today, we will go to the next step and learn the importance of education and how it can rightly serve the vanguards of public well being. The sinful, greedy and wretched human mind is always eager to perpetrate acts of malice which generate chaos and make it hard for order to prevail. But to change this, we do not need violence. If the human child is honed from his infancy to live in a civilized fashion then he can learn how to respect the ways of society without waking the devil that sleeps in him (or her).

Education is therefore the foundation of human civilization. A little child has a lot of questions. If left unanswered at the right age, he (or she) will find answers to them himself (or herself). This leads to chaos, ignorance and superstition. Yesterday, Mr./Ms. Vineet Gupta, an innocent 3rd-grader (ah dhang you) told me that he (or she) thought that everything falls to the Earth because she (or he) has an invisible slope around herself (or himself). "I think everything falls to the Earth because she has an invisible slope around her." , he said. (Everyone i.e all children of all classes, standing in the assembly point fingers at Mr/Ms. Gupta and laugh aloud). No, no children, you should never make fun of any question no matter how stupid it is.

Of course, an 8 year old is too naive for one to explain Newton's theory of gravity to but the point is that, if not informed about it at the right age, he (or she) will tell his (or her) children, his (or her) theory of gravity and they (or ?) will tell their children, and so on. The entire Gupta dynasty (ah dhang you) will never learn real scientific facts like Newton's Gravity. They will never be able to send man to the moon.

Independent thinking is nice. But only in limits. It should be exercised to serve accepted facts. Challenging textbooks or trying to reason out what is clearly written in them is anti-social. That is exactly the kind of mentality that causes, riots, terrorism and wars. We all are equal, children. God has made us all equal. We should not try to be different from others. We should try to be like everyone else. You might want to be an artist, like Mr. / Ms. Shireen from 4th C (people look around to see if anyone knows any girl by that name. The students from 4th C are the most surprised...what! she is shireen...she is a muzzlem? she looks hindu) but your scribbles on paper are no sixteenth chapel [SIC] (most students look at their feet). You are better off being a doctor or an engineer, like everyone else. You should always be practical. Become an architect.

Education makes you ready for the world to come. So that you can serve the society with your skill set. So that you have ideas like everyone else, so that you are at the same wavelength as every one else. This society is like a factory, children. You have to be disciplined, skillful, efficient and productive, so that everyone succeeds. That is the most gratifying part of our jobs, when you arrive in our school in the first standard you all are randomly deformed pieces of clay. We make pots out of you. Education is the wheel that makes uniform, standard and useful pottery out of random, meaningless and worthless pieces of clay. And we, children and my dearest teachers, are the potters. .....now let's do some pot. DISPERSE CLAP! 123 123 1 2 3

your loving headmistress
Dr. (Mr.) Brig. Odelia Fernandes Ph.d (Public Policy and National Socialism)
"Call us and we will give you a nice pasting. Child."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Words of wisdom from Babu Uncle

Dear Baby and Puppy

What's wrong with the youth of today? There are such great opportunities available to you that were unheard of during our state socialist days. I have a few very good ideas :

1) Patent on Water:
F!@#ing, H2O yaar! Good old water. Hasn't been patented. We can earn money for every single drop of water running down the throat of every human being. Imagine how rich you will become. Please don't talk about poor people and all that commie shit. They can have coke if they think water is too expensive. In India we get coke for less than a few cents (American, of course).

2) Patent on Blood:
It's flowing in each one of us for free. It's high time all these free loading bastiges pay for every single drop of blood they are stealing from the creator whose rightful intellectual property it is. That will be us (if we file a patent soon enough). I hear Monsanto is already thinking of it. We have to make haste.

3) Privatization of Rivers:
The whole problem with river mismanagement and ensuing flooding and calamity is these bloody people aren't civilized enough to manage rivers. During British days, how come we didn't have all this nonsense? Our people need a hunter on their backs. I say privatize rivers. Give it to privately pwned corporations who will ensure safe and sustainable manufacture of water at the source and subsequent disciplined, planned and scheduled delivery across land to the ocean. Only Private corporations can hire talented MBAs who have the required skill and know how in Transportation Logistics and Supply Chain Management. Nature(TM) is useless and corrupt. It's no good. Enough of mismanaged rivers and red tape Nature(TM). Time to privatize rivers.

Col.Mrs. Amarinder"One Shot" Thapa. aka Babu Nair
For, all problems in the world can be solved in one shot.

Monday, March 10, 2008

It's Not Kriket


Puppy Manohar

"This is where I belong, infinity and beyond" - Anorexia