Monday, June 18, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
An old hermit from Mumbai told me this story:
dekh bidu thoda thanda ley tereko story sunata hai
dekhte hai teri khopdi mein kitna akkal jaata hai
yeh kissa hai ek item, "cigarette manjula" ka
uski ek nazar pe sab bole "jo hukum mere aaka"
manjula ka shohar saala whisky mein jeeta
manjula ko marke hi voh chain ki saans leta
manjula ne thode din bahut sun ke liya
lekin ek din uska dimag out ho gaya
manjula roti bana raili thi
shohar ne bahut jyada pee raheli thi
plate ko phekke voh manjula pe bhaunka
manjula ne usko belan se thoka
us din manjula ne usko bahut phatkaaya
manjula ne belan uske peechu ghusaaya
laath marke hospital mein bhijaaya
voh bichara kabhi vaapisich nahi aaya.
usdin se jo bhi samajhta usko abala naari
manjulane bana dala usko bhikaari (balaatkaari - Ashay)
manjula boli mumbai ko dhue mein udayegi
akkhi mumbai ko mein cigarette pilayegi
life mein apne abhi sirf paisaich dharam
four square, char minar gudang garam
chilam, hashish, ganja, khullam khulla
duniya bulati usko "cigarette manjula"
juhu mithibhai ka chokri chokra
bahar se "pot-au-feu" andar se dhokla
ek din chowpaaty pe unko bulaaya
8-10 khoke ka party manaaya
ghati minister bola "Indian Culture" "Indian Culture"
saala poora party ka kiya tire puncture
manjula boli "yeh chindigiri se apni nahi phatthi hai
chaay paani chaiye bol? itni kya masti hai
paisa lene sion aana udhar apni haat-bhatti hai
nahi toh idhar mera haath udhar teri kaanpatti hai
itna powerbaaz aurat tha cigarette manjula
sab log kartha jo bhi usne bola
lekin life usne us vaqt dhakka khaaya
jab uska el KP tan par Dil aaya
el KP tan jidhar jaye udhar cha jaat tha
lekin saala usko Hindi nahi aata tha
Manjula ko aata sirf "thenk you" ne "Pilis"
el KP tan, full too talk Inglis walk Inglis.
"I was going to say something, but I forgot" - Anon
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
have you heard of LeafBoy?
Have is entirely made of leaves.
He makes his own food.
He appears green but isnt really jealous of anyone.
He is photsynthetic
No one understands his pain though. People think he has no feelings. Some scientists claim he does. He hides from the rest of the world. Can not speak, but listens to everyone. He sees everything but no one likes to see him.
But he is a super boy. He will save us from extinction.
He is herbal, organic like all of us, and has no side effects.
Have you met him? Very few people in the world have seen him.
I saw him. Just now.
"Dead or Alive?" - Jon Bon Jovi
Sunday, June 10, 2007
There is a new spiritual experience in vogue these days. People wanting to talk to spices. In recent years, due to the advances in Natural Language Processing, Speech Recognition and of flirtatious callers, there has been a rise in usage of "Automated Customer Service Agents". Companies, Government offices, californian boyfriends and troubled husbands have started using "Automated Speech Response Agents". These techniques maintain the spirit of conversation without the speaker knowing that the listener is but a program.
These computer programs are humanoid conversation specialists that are well versed with various western accents of spoken English. However, in spite of the reduced costs, sheer joy of throwing verbal abuses and other such great advantages researchers have found out that there is a dangerous side to this practice. Talking to "automated speech machines" can increase the risk of a very rare disorder known to the scientific world by the name VRD. The symptoms of VRD, its effects on the human body and its remedy are unknown. VRD is extremely hard to diagnose and in some cases is known to pass by without any damage to the system. In most cases, however, VRD does not pass so easily. It stays. But what exactly it does, is unknown.
And that is the prestige.
what? who said that? who said "and that is the prestige". Never mind. Moving ahead.
VRD is not a new disorder. An epidemic of VRD broke out in the ancient world, where hundreds of thousands of scholars of the priestly class of Vedic people of ancient India chanted scriptures almost mechanically. In the town of Kapilavastu alone, thousands of Brahmins died of VRD. For thousands of years the "Hindu" scriptures have been kept alive by mechanically memorizing the verses. This led to the rise of VRD. Scholarship in the Vedas being patronized by the ruling class, women were more attracted to people who were better memorizers and automated reciters (and consequently VRD prone). Thus, these individuals were naturally selected. And even if Darwin was just another bearded Marxist, the genetic propagation of VRD can be explained by the Hindu tradition of parental disposition. (So up yours, Darwin and Mendel.)
The "scientists" (Phd. bearers), of the "Our Ancestors Were Awesome, Werent They? Institute" aka OAWAWT?I, Nagpur have suggested a traditional prevention plan for VRD as prescribed by Ayurveda. Regular conversation with spices is said to prevent VRD. The explanation offered by the Atharvaveda is the following:
"||Aham awesomam, twam rogi||
|| Tatsam ||"
which crudely translates to "I am awesome. You are diseased. So, thats what"
Dr. Carl Hiddengaonkar of USC, a leading Indologist has come up with a technique based on the Ayurvedic practice:
1) Take your phone number
2) Subtract it by 9
3) Call this number and ask "Can I speak to ________?"
The blank can be filled with the name of a spice. "Every person is born in a spice, just like in Astrology every person is born in a sign. This spice is his birth spice. You should consult your family astrologer or you can call me at 1 800 SPICY;) to get free consultation on this matter", says Dr Hiddengaonkar.
So the next time you receive a call for Garlic, Pepper or Jalapeno; acquire the spice and courteously hold the receiver over it. This will help us all get rid of VRD.
"If you wanna be my lover, you have to be my friend"- Posh Spice