Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Profiles in History

Dear Puppy,

Here's a link you might want to read for learning the History of the World.


I'm sorry I'm copy pasting one for my post, but it's worth it.

Baby V.
"Tell me why you cry and why you lie to me eee" - Beatles

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

John Abra Man

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

El KP tan may be your favourite super hero, but mine is without doubt his drinking buddy John AbraMan.

Allow me to list out John AbraMan's super powers:

1> Can hypnotize ladies instantly by running his hands through his hair.

2> Can smell beer within a 2 mile radius, and will walk the two miles to get it also.

3> Is impervious to cold.

4> Can morph into his alter ego, Chunky Pandey, whenever he detects the presence of Pure Evil(tm).

5> Is the very opposite of a kleptomaniac. In fact, he would gladly donate the (expensive, designer) jacket that he is wearing to someone who deserves it. (This may also be because he is impervious to cold, but John Abra Man needs to socialize with style and this is not possible without a jacket.)

6> Arrives just when people need him the most.

7> Remembers lyrics to Pink Floyd choruses.

Of course, whenever El KP tan and John Abra Man get together, evildoers quake in their chappals. I hope we get to (vicariously) experience more of their adventures.

Your pet,

Puppy Manohar.

"We're coming to your house; we'll help you party it down" - Grand Funk Railroad

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

El KPtan

Dear Puppy,

Let's bow to our super hero. El KP tan.

He lives on Grunge;
He preys on fun.
He is the most powerful
Under the blackhole sun.

So hark, O fool.
He comes for everyone;
For dog and for man,
For bread and for bun.

Chant his name
and come undone.
El KP tan!
El KP tan!

Baby V.
"And they say that a hero will save us" - NickelBack.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Free After All

Dear Puppy,

I am not sure if we will get the chance to grow up.

Baby Vaijayanthi.
P.S: "Oh my sleeping child..."- Michael's Lamest Time Ruled.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


A Tout Le Monde,

Baby and I have come up with a whole list of words beginning with "quiet" that are not used very often these days.
So here goes:

quiecity - quiet energy
quiesense - A moment of quietness
quietability - The ability to become quiet
quietacious - Tending to be quiet
quietactic - A person suffering from quietness
quietage - Period of quietness
quietaholic - One who is addicted to quiet
quietall - A quiet beverage
quietallica - A quiet Metal band
quietance - A state of being quiet
quietanesia - The island of quietness
quietanic - The quiet ship
quietanol - A quiet alcohol (quiet + OH) - the major ingredient of quietall
quietante - A professional quietist
quietarium - A public place for the display of quiet
quietary - A place where quiet is cultivated
quietatia - The continent of quiet
quietatonic - Of or relating to the quiet Tones
quietection - The mechanism by which quiet is propagated
quietellite - A quiet heavenly body
quietender - A server of quiet
quietendom - The fundamental right to quiet
quietener / quietenier - A practitioner of quiet
quietephor - A figure of speech employing quiet
quieternia - The ancient land of quiet
quietescule - A small quiet
quietesh - The Hindu God of quiet
quietess - A female quiet
quietia - The ocean of quiet
quietians - Aquatic / Semiaquatic / Amphibious inhabitants of quietia
quietician - A quietcare professional.
quieticle - A particle of quiet
quietidity - The quiet quotient
quietinerary - A timetable of quiet
quietiness - Given or inclined to quiet
quietious - A quiet gifted one
quietipede - An animal with quiet locomotion
quietism - Belief in quiet
quietist - One who practices quietism
quietistification - Conversion to quietism
quietition - A sermon in quietism
quietitivity - The theory of quiet
quietitude - The state of quiet
quietius maximus - The quiet muscle
quietlet - A young quiet
quietochondria - A grain of quiet
quietoderm - Animals with quiet skins
quietography - The art of writing quiet
quietologue - A catalogue of quiet (available at quietariums)
quietology - The science of quiet
quietometer - A device used to measure quiet
quietonate - A quiet mineral
quietonite - A quiet crystal
quietonol / quietene / quietane - Organic quiet compounds
quietoon - quiet feature (series / film) , targeted at children
quietophilia - Love of quiet
quietophobia - Fear of quiet
quietopia - An imaginary place of absolute quiet
quietoplasty - Surgical implant of quiet
quietopsy - A surgical procedure to find quiet
quietor - Demon of quiet
quietoract - A clinical condition marked by the inability to perceive quiet
quietorectomy - Surgical procedure to cure quietoracts
quietOS - The quiet Operating System
quietosity - The physical quantity measuring the property of quiet
quietospace - A network of quiet
quietractor - A device used to measure quiet angles
quietrant - A sector of quiet
quietrimony - The reign of quiet
quietrina - The hurricane of quiet
quietrocilium - The bacterium of quiet
quietron - The subatomic quiet particle
quietrous / quietric acid - quiet acids
quiety - Austere quietness

Learn them!


Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti

"Duniya ki iss bheed mein, Sabse peeche hum khade" - Ankur Tiwari / Let's Enjoy

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Hello Baby,

Pardon me for my long absence. I needed to go out and get some fresh air. While I was out I got lost, because I don't often venture out on my own, and this city is strangely confusing to me. The symmetry of the roads and the sheer monotony of concrete and brick confuse the living crap out of me, if you'll pardon my french.

But I digress.

I was thinking about your last letter, where you accuse me of reading such rags as the "Times of India" and call me a materialistic puppy. I don't think that's the truth. In fact, I think I am the very opposite of that.

You say I am a shallow, superficial puppy. You say I stare lecherously at images of nubile, young women engaged in questionable activities.

I plead guilty to the latter, but innocent to the former. I am not the shallow puppy you think me to be. I was reading the Times of India because one of my favourite bloggers, Amit Verma linked to it. His blog can even be considered a "News blog". I listen to Jazz and can listen to seventh chord based harmonies without wincing - surely things that your average Britney Spears loving puppy will not do. Try catching Bruno the Great Dane listening to Miles Davis. I dare you.

Anyway, while I was lost, I met a rather helpful dog named Batliboi. I had a very engaging conversation about polycarbonates and their importance in the music industry, but that will have to wait for another blog.

Bye for now,

Puppy Manohar

"Love will find a way" - Shankar, Ehsaan and Loy

Monday, November 06, 2006

And now ... a lesson on "Microcredit."

Dear Puppy,

"We tried to ignore it," he says. "But then skeleton-like people began showing up in the capital, Dhaka. Soon the trickle became a flood. Hungry people were everywhere. Often they sat so still that one could not be sure whether they were alive or dead. They all looked alike: men, women, children. Old people looked like children, and children looked like old people."

Do you know who said this? You will never know, Puppy. Cos you read "The Times of India". You are a party "animal" (ah dhang you). All that interests you, are glossy supplements with ostentatious images of yippies shaking their bourgeois bodies.

But I am happy for you. The Times is printed for little cute puppies like you. I'm sure you'll get brighter. Our experiments will succeed one day. Then you will start reading Washington Post and The Hindu, listen to NPR and "read news blogs" and identify yourself with "Libertarians" and "Left Leaning Intellectuals" and have house warming parties with Jack Daniels and pretty women, playing blues on guitar and get praised for over-extended fraudulent harmonica solos.

Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Pink is like Red, but not quite"- Aerosmith.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Po dog go Ji

dearest manohar,

Why are you faking the human tone? Pedagogy is for humans not for the canine.

Wait a minute, you kinda talk like a baby.
"Come here, I am going to teach you"
I'm bigger than you I'm higher in the food chain
Get in my belly....

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...ribs.
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back...ribs.
Chilly baby back. (sic)

But good, you're trying to be smarter and developing 'Individual Thought Patterns' (sic). If you observe the chronology of your mental development, it matches the history of human thought.

I dont think it's your fault. It's not you. It's me.

It's high time you stop drooling over your ancient past and praising your great ancestors and start thinking of your future.

Baby V
"Hai K Nain"

P.S: My father is young not middle-aged.

Puppy Thoughts

Hello Baby,

I was planning to continue with the story with this letter, but I can't help thinking that your last letter was a little condescending. What were you trying to prove? Were you trying to impress your so-called intellectual superiority on me? Well, baby, puppy is not amused.

It's the end of the letter that I have issues with. How can you say something (I paraphrase) like "Your species is a burden to ours"? It's an attitude like that that irks me. Humans and dogs have coexisted peacefully for millenia and you've never, ever heard of the great Dog-Man war. Why, baby? Because humans never had reason to fight with dogs. Because, before humans had evolved to their position of planetary dominance, they understood that all living things had to coexist. And sometimes, alliances had to be formed, even with members of other species. Today's humans seem to have forgotten this, and dogs are now reduced to mere ornaments in houses. My ancestors served yours well, toiling hard for a scrap of meat or two at the end of the day. Compare this to our lot now, where we are tied up almost all day and are just there for your "guests" to gawk at when they visit you.

I don't understand why you criticize people with PhDs and medical degrees. I think if they spent so many years of their lives earning the right to put those letters after their names, they deserve to talk as they damn well please. I think people with PhDs represent the highest form of the human species and you will do well to learn from their discipline, baby V, if you want to go anywhere in life. Following in your father's footsteps will only make you exactly what he is - a frustrated middle-aged man who doesn't know what to do with himself most of the time. I don't think I will forget his efforts to make me wear those ghastly dog trousers. Seriously, which self-respecting puppy would want to walk out like that? Bruno the great dane next door would probably die guffawing (which may not necessarily be a bad thing) and I can picture the look on Faizal the Cat's face as well. Oh the shame. But enough about me; this was supposed to be about you.

Seriously, Baby V, all this talk about hardwiring and fixed neural pathways is nonsense. You can be whatever you want to be in this modern age. There are so many avenues that are now open for young women such as yourself. If you think you are going to be a burned-out 25 year old, nothing can help you. It all starts with a positive attitude and an open mind.

Now go do something with your life,

Your pet,

Puppy Manohar

PS: I've been getting too involved with my Dog-ma, so please excuse.

"A aa aaaaaaaa aaah!" - Robert Plant

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Look What I Drew


I think I'm getting brighter by the day. It's the spurt of growth that babies undergo. I better make the most of it while I'm young. Because, as you know, as I grow this phenomenon will decelerate. And by the time I am past 25, you know what happens to human beings. We have the illustrious example of my (our? of course not) parents.

While Dad comes up with new things, as much as he might want to believe, he still is improvising on the same patterns of discovery registered in his adult hardwired brain. Well, mother, I don't want to talk more about that side. A Dr. epithet is quite symbolic of eternal smugness and intellectual emptiness these days. Most people with Phds. or medicine degrees equate their accolade to a certification for menial chatter decorated with ostentatious diction but no worthwhile content.

If only puppies like you and babies like me had more exposure to the world, we would revolutionize canine and human thought, respectively. Alas, one day we will grow up to be numb and vain aspiring wannabes like the rest of them. And of course, terrorize children and exercise our absolute control over them, under the pretext of our baseless insecurity towards their future and general well-being. You will start marking your areas by urinating around the place....Gosh I don't know how I am going to take care of you then...sometimes I feel the Abrahamic vain attitude of Homocentrality of Creation is justified. Your species is quite a burden to the human species.

Any way, no point thinking about the inevitable....above is the picture I drew which shows you and me. I have written your name in Devanagari, just to make it seem all cool and cryptic. Some day if ever your IQ permits you to conceive gratitude, you could do something for me in return.

Baby Vaijayanthi.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Puppy's Story - Part 1

Hello Baby,

Oooh! You sent me a story! That was so thoughtful of you! I LOVE stories. In fact, since you took the trouble to type out a (part of a) long story for me, I'm going to return the favour. However, since I am only a puppy and my unevolved, canine brain is incapable of deep, philosophical thought, I will type out a racy detective story for you. This is the first part from one of those books that your mom, Dr. (Mrs.) Iyengar likes to read in her spare time. She even reads to me once in a while.

So here goes:

Chapter 1: In the Beginning, There Was Optimism

6.11 am, an undisclosed residential area of Madras City

Beep beep, beep beep, beep beep, click.

"Hello, you've reached the answering machine of Inspector Kann. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you."


"Inspector Kann, this is Sub Inspector Mani. Call me back as soon as possible. There's been a murder."


Inspector Kann stirred. "Why do they always call when I'm having the best dreams?" he thought to himself and sat up in bed. Inspector Rajni Kann was not a tall man - about 5' 9" in his shoes, but he was, in the eyes of his subordinates and all that dared oppose him, a towering giant. Broad-shouldered and muscular, he inspired awe in his colleagues and struck fear in the hearts of criminals who had the misfortune of crossing his path.

Kann quickly showered and dressed himself, pausing for maybe a couple of extra seconds at the bathroom mirror to admire his “Policeman” moustache. “What’s the point of being a policeman if you don’t have a good moustache?” he would say to people who asked him about it. “Indeed, a vital part of a good Policeman’s image is his moustache. Without it, he might as well be a software developer or something equally mundane”.

He had to call Mani. A murder was Serious Business and it was not often that he had the opportunity to deal with Serious Business.

“Mani, where?”

“Good morning sir!”

“Drop the pleasantries and answer my question”

East Coast Road, sir. You’ll see my jeep…”

Kann hung up abruptly. He was not one for chit-chat. Also, he did not like paying his cellular phone bill. His detractors did not believe this was coincidence. He closed the door of his 3rd floor apartment behind him and ran down the stairs. Kann walked outside the complex to his car – an old, second-hand Honda City that he appropriated from a gangster who was now in jail. He didn’t like traveling by the police jeeps; “It makes me feel like I’m in a moving cage. I’m not an animal on display, you know? I’d much rather be in my own car”. He entered the car and turned the key in the ignition. The car came to life with a quiet growl.

After two minutes of meditative inaction, Kann sped out of his apartment complex to the crime scene.

To be continued…

Hope you enjoy it,

Puppy Manohar.

K9 Unit – sniffa dog 4eva!!!11one

Monday, October 16, 2006

A story

Dear Puppy Manohar,

The Ornots

"He passed the stages of his age and youth
Entering the whirlpool.
Gentile or Jew
O you who turn the wheel and look to windward,320
Consider Phlebas, who was once handsome and tall as you."
- The Wasteland, T.S Eliot.

The hour glass of morality topples from time to time. And the grains of value in one section slowly slip in to the empty but slowly filling bottom. Villains of one era become the heroes of the other. And vice versa, of course. Grains that were the last to slip in to the apparently despicable bottom during one toppling epoch are the first to be perverted in the next.

And vice versa, of course.

Chandrashekhar Ornot aka Chandra rode on one such grain. He belonged to the family of hereditary skeptics who questioned their values and changed their lifestyle every alternate generation. So thorough was their belief in this way of moral evaluation, that after ages and ages they had come up with an extensive corpus of documents that enlisted every aspect of life (as discovered by them in all their limitations of visualizing the infinte spectrum that is life) Generation after generation, the eldest son in the family would be given to the cause with a heavy heart by the mother. He would then spend the next few years of his life putting a simple “Or Not” in the end of every “Rule of Life”, alternatively if there existed an “Or Not” already, he would have to erase it. Chandra was the eldest son of Mr. Ravikrishnan. He had to follow this tradition as did his father and all other elder sons of the Ornot lineage.

Chandra was not quite unhappy with his Ornot lineage. He liked his family. He loved them more than anyone else in this world. But some idle Tuesday, whilst watching kids play, he would wonder how normal and laid back a life of a conformist must be. He was not envious of conformists. But some where deep inside his heart, he felt it was cool to conform. It made life simple he thought. Simple enough to bother being an unwarranted maverick and adjust with people who dislike rebellion. Simple enough to avoid wasting long intelligent man hours in philosophizing life. Simple enough to circumvent the responsibility of coming up with newer “Fundamental Truths”. Truths, that will give way to new “Rules of life” for his eldest son to “Or Not”.

He felt sorry for his father. His father had spent a long time coming up with innovative “Rules of life”. He had lived those rules religiously. He had dedicated his entire life towards his principles. Principles that would change the way people thought, that would revolutionize an entire generation. He had to watch his only son, “Or Not” all that. He had to watch his son conform to all the old traditions and truths of his forefathers that he spent his whole life “Or not”ing. Every night, when he closed his eyes, Chandra saw the agonized face of his father. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t fathom the amount of pain he had caused his father just to continue the way of his ancestors - the same list of ancestors that his father was a member of.

Chandra had a gargantuan task in front of him. He had spent all of his adolescence and most of his early youth negating the “Book of Rules”. He now had to meditate upon some of his own rules. He had to research life and find new truths. This, he knew, took a lot of contemplation. It wasn’t that he was unsure of himself but he was now questioning the whole premises upon which this tradition was based. He was wondering if he could stop this madness (if he could be that audacious to call it that) so that his son would not go through what he had undergone.

The Plate Alarm Rings….

"I see young men, my townsmen, whose misfortune it is to have inherited farms, houses, barns, cattle, and farming tools; for these are more easily acquired than got rid of."

-Walden, Henry David Thoreau

Chandra was ten. He was called by his mom whilst playing.

“Chandra”, she screamed.

“Yes, mom.”

“Time for you to come home”

“But its just been an hour and 3 minutes; I still have 27 minutes to go”

“Time for you to come home”

“But I still have to time..”

Then he heard the rigging sound of the spoon being hitting on the steel plate. His lamenting was in vain. It was the “Plate Alarm”. There was no point arguing with anyone when the plate alarm rang. All the children in the town ran into their houses hopping straight to the comforting security of their fathers' hugs. But not Chandra. He knew he had to wait where he stood. In the center of the playground stood his mother drumming a huge spoon on a large steel plate. The whole village knew what to expect. But not Chandra. He knew he had to wait where he stood, he was told that once in his life time (and only once) his mother would come out in the center of the playground and play the “Plate Alarm”. He was told that when that happened, he would stand wherever he was, and memorize all the best things that have happened to him as a child. Relive them; those joyful moments of childhood in his mind, for that was it, his childhood was over. The “Plate Alarm” terrorized the other kids as they knew its ringing meant some little innocent Ornot has just lost his childhood. They felt fortunate to have not been Ornot. But somewhere in their little egalitarian minds, they felt it was cool to be one.

..to be continued


Baby Vaijayanthi.

oh baby you're so fine I wanna make you mine- backstreet boys

Friday, October 06, 2006

Oh Baby Baby

Dear Baby V,

A weird feeling has come over me. I don't know what it is. It puzzles me a fair amount, so I am looking at your dull semi-awake face for some clarity.

Why are we here, baby V? What is our purpose? Do I exist merely to make sure that the feeding bowl gets filled 3 times a day? Do you exist merely for the aunties and uncles to come in and have something to say "OOOOHHHH CHOOOO CHWWWWWEEEETTTT!!!111" to?

Why are we here, baby V?

I have a feeling this is what they call mid-life crisis. You know, there comes a time in every puppy's life when it must evaluate what has happened until this moment and plan for the future. I know I should not be disappointed - I have in you and Mr. and Dr (Mrs.) Iyengar a very caring and responsible family, but I still feel something is missing.

Sigh, why are we here, baby V?

When I was a little puppy (much littler than I am now), I had dreams. Not the explicit kind, although I get those as well, but dreams - plans for my future as a big doggie. I dreamed that I would have a nice dogly bark, I would terrorise the birds in the garden. I dreamed I would be big and authoritative. I dreamed I could growl and bark and chase the postman when he delivers the letters for the day, and maybe even the newspaper man if I found the drive to wake up that early in the morning.

I was an ambitious little pup, baby. Now look at me. The birds chatter loudly as if to mock me. I am halfway between a yap and a woof - no aggressive, loud bark for Puppy Manohar. I think sometimes I need female canine company. But sadly, the only things females are interested in are funny email forwards and sad, metaphorical poetry.

I'm glad I have you. Everytime you throw your little sponge ball into the garden and I run after it, I feel as if my existence is validated, even if only for a little while.

Thank you for everything, baby V.

North South East West,
you are the very best.

With licks of love,

Puppy Manohar

I Snoop; I'm a doggie dog!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Baby Vaijayanti's Father

Dear Puppy Manohar,

Heres an essay I wrote for 10 marks.

My Father - Baby Vaijayanthi

My father is a peculiar man, never the less as they all say (and as good Indians ought to) I am proud of him. He stands six feet tall, broad shoulders and in his prime must have swept a lot of women off their feet. He is straight but does not like to look at other peoples wives or jazzy women walking on the street seeking attention (like Vijay's dad or for that matter all grown women). He prefers to walk on street pondering over situations that would never ever happen. Come to think about it, its a tough task, but as mother would put it, "Has no utility what so ever". But its a cool thing, you know, like he comes up with the most irrelevant gifts one could ever give ex. an ipod to your grandmother, a years stalk of staple pins to your father in law or irrelevant inventions like a tea cup with a USB Port. I thinks its pretty futuristic and I believe my dad is cool.

My father is an industrious and sincere worker. He works as a chair at his office. People sit on him.Thats his job. He loves it. Also, of all the other chairs at his branch, people prefer to sit only on him. Everyone who is anyoe sits on him. He is a great team player and is loved and appreciated in his team. He is commended for his work ethic and never say die attitude. Being an extremely versatile professional, he also proactively manages to become a ladder. There is nothing more satisfying than to see people climb up on your shoulders, he says. He has also taken up various other positions for the benefit of the company he works for. Once, he was, much to his ignorance deployed as a corporate spy by the HR. I will one day grow up to become a chair just like my dad. I hope, by then, women are seen in better light as professionals in India than they are seen today.

On account of his superior gene pool and fairer complexion, he acquires a special position in our patriarchal family hierarchy. My mother, apparently, fell for him due to this very reason and her family in their infinite eugenic consciousness were quick to comply. My father, though is not a racist, can not stand people with silly pants. He believes all humans are created equal and should be discriminated only on the basis of their trousers. According to him people with no sub-pelvic dressing sense are uncivilized savages who need to be reformed. This, according to our family psychiatric is a psychological disorder probably induced due to the tight pants he was made to wear as a 70s kid.. Alternatively, according to the doctor, this could be a genetic trait, because all our family patriarchs have always maintained some peculiar criterion to discriminate people and essentially reproach their ways of life to render them inferior. But many of our family members have insisted that the psychiatric is "a smug liberal bastard who just wants to show off his Ivy league education with his ostentatious scientific language and egalitarian concepts of the 18th century french gay-warts". I don't like my religion (that much).

Me and my father spend a lot of time together. We generally do a lot of experiments together. My father despises dogs. He admittedly, does not quite like Manohar's presence in the family. He believes its an act of clear intrusion. "The country is going to the dogs", he mutters. Manohar, does not wear pants. This according to him is a clear sign that he is not suitable for our family. "If after, such long association with the humans, dogs did not learn to wear pants, they never will" But he believes that he can successfully transform Manohar in to a human being. According to the Ancient Hindu Science, Manohar was a Brahmin boy who committed adultery in his last birth. Consequently, he is a dog in this birth. My father is not a huge fan of Karma. Never the less, he diligently and open mindedly considers all avenues towards achieving our goals. Besides such research we also do simple experiments like converting household spices in to opiates like morphine. Recently, we trapped a female anopheles in a transparent plastic container (initially filled with mouth-freshners) We intend to investigate her intestinal contents to track her path. This research according to dad would have serious ramifications in various fields from criminal psychology to immunology.

My father would get a Nobel Prize or the Fields Medal if that happens. I would proud to see my dad get a nobel prize.


Baby V

"My father's canine hating heterosexual" (in the tune of "Papa Kehte hai")

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Hello Baby Vaijayanti!

Excuse me while I run circles around the dining table. See if you can catch me! No! HAHA you can't! You can't catch me ! You can't catch me! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Baby V, that was not very nice of you. You shouldn't have poured your daddy's brandy into my feeding bowl. Now I am high! HIGHHH!!!! I am enjoying this, however. It's a curious new sensation not often experienced in doggie world. Now I see why your daddy drinks this stuff everyday. It's quite vile, I assure you. I saw that look of disgust on your face when you took a sip of it and yes, even to a dog it tastes like poison. But it makes me feel soooo gooooodd!!!!!11

I can think SOOO clearly now! Bring on the kids who like to pull my tail! I'll bark at them with all my canine glory. No more Doggie Nice Dog! GRRRR! See! I can growl semi-convincingly! GRRRRRRRRRRR! HAHAHAHhahahh


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Eulogy to the Beast

Dearest Puppy Manohar,

Puppy you are my sunshine
Puppy cos you are all mine
Puppy I love you when you purr
Puppy, u are Puppy Manohar
Pup pup pee pee everywhere
Puppy you're my teddy bear
Puppy you have it so flaunt it
Puppy stop being Manohar about it
Puppy you are licking my hand
Puppy you are invading my land
Puppy look the sky is so foggy
Puppy cos you are a little doggy
Puppy are you a crossbreed albino?
Puppy, I am your master you know
Puppy will you grow a big fur?
Puppy u are Puppy manohar
Puppy why do elders have a frown
Puppy why do they have to tie you down
Puppy you will run away they fear
Puppy I can see the inside of your ear
Puppy you reap as you sow
Puppy you ate my GI Joe
Puppy you will choke to death
Puppy dont bite my toyset


Baby Vaijayanthi.

"B ing is to Babies what P ing is to Puppies"

Monday, September 25, 2006

A Misunderstanding!

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

It was all a misunderstanding! How silly we both have been! Actually, I was not upset about the refrigerator incident AT ALL! I really do appreciate your intentions, even though, for the purposes of the experiment I was a guinea pig instead of a dog. I think your experiments may have even worked a little - in case you didn't notice, I tried to make a joke in the previous sentence.

The time I spent in the refrigerator was a welcome relief from the summer, actually. In case you haven't noticed, it gets unbearably hot sometimes. You wouldn't notice, because you and your daddy are usually comfortable in your air-conditioned TV room while I keep your mom company in the kitchen. Poor Dr. (Mrs.) Iyengar! She slaves quite hard for your comfort. I think, one day, when you are old enough, you should go and get her something really nice to show her how much you appreciate her efforts. I try, by licking at her toes, but I don't think she appreciates that too much, so I would advise you against that course of action.

Anyway, I'll type out a longer email later,

It's time for my evening run,

Toodle-oo and Woof Woof!


Puppy Manohar
"It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog (sic)" - The Betels

So much for Darwin

Dearest Puppy Manohar,

I am extremely sorry. Though Daddy in his infinite wisdom and articulate demeanor is writing this letter to you. I am sure he is penning down the feelings as they appear in my mind (i.e assuming that two year olds like me have feelings). I hope the tears in my eyes and my crying suffices to convince you that I am in fact really sorry. Although statistically speaking they mean I am hungry.

I can not express how sorry I am. I apologize profusely for having put you in the refrigerator. Me and Daddy were only doing an experiment. An experiment that we believe will bring you and your beastly brethren a higher place on this planet, currently ruled by Man (and woMan, of course). However, if you think our innovative plan for your emancipation would have killed you (like "Mom" here claims so emphatically) then Im sorry. Im really really sorry. Although, even if you would have died, you would have been a martyr like Laika.

But so that you do not grow up hating me for having tried to kill you, I would want to elucidate my rationale which was supported by my ever loving and supportive Dad. If theory of evolution is in fact correct then we thought we can actually put you through the exact same conditions that primitive mammals passed through to evolve in to a Man. There was a long ice age which caused lowly animals to evolve in to man (amd woMan, of course) We felt the best low expense way to recreate that environment was the good old refrigerator.

I believe, if Mom (who claims she loves you) would'nt have removed you prematurely, you would have certainly evolved a bit. Already, your stature, I can see has become a bit more erect than it was before.

Now if you will excuse me there is some one I would like to forgive, myself.

Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Please forgive me for loving you more than I should"- Bryan Adams

Sunday, September 24, 2006

A Fight?

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

We haven't been conversing as usual for a while now. I wonder, have I done something to upset you? If this is the case, I am very sorry. I know that, at your age, your mental faculties are far from being fully developed, and I should be a little more understanding of your needs. I should have been more sensitive and been the "bigger person", so to speak. Of course, this situation will probably prevail until I die, for humans take a dog's lifetime to reach what, in your species, is defined as maturity. I am sorry, again, for offending you.

It gets frustrating sometimes, to realise that my entire doggie existence will be spent in this game of catch-up, when in fact there will be no catching up. It's funny, isn't it? Evolution put you higher on the food chain, but you take a much longer time to mature. All I will remember are the years of your youth. And you, when you are old, will know nothing of mine. I wish I were 1 month old again.

Forgive me for making this sound like a rant - I didn't mean for this to be the case.

And also, please don't tip my feeding bowl over. I absolutely hate having to eat from the floor.

Unconditional Doggie Love,

Puppy Manohar.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Happy Birthday Puppy

8:59 AM
Dear Puppy Manohar,

Happy Birthday! Though you are just a year old puppy and you dont understand this (and probably never will) I wish to tell you that you are the cutest puppy I have ever seen.

I am 3 years old just 2 years older to you so I will always be there by your side as a big brother. Not only because I am older but also for I am human and higher in the food chain and intellectually superior.

I am little and cant read or write and am capable of only semi-comprehensible neandethral sounds. But my daddy is writing this wonderful birthday Card for you. Happy Birthday!!! I am sure you will grow up to be a fine resourceful canine and will not deprive our parents of their quality youth by seeking constant attention (like some one).

happy birthday,
Baby Vaijayanti
"A Smile can make or change your life. Dogs Bark they almost never smile."

Puppy's first letter

7:51 AM
Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

I know, you are thinking that dogs (and by that logic, puppies too) cannot write, but since this is fiction and readers are encouraged to suspend their disbelief, I will encourage you to do the same. I know the previous sentence was long and had too many commas, but hey! Give me a break - I am, after all, a puppy!

I appreciate all the nice things you give me especially the mutter paneer you sneak under the table when your parents are not looking. I love it. I don't think a puppy can ask for a better companion. I think it helps that we share the same intellectual level. Alas, this will not be for long, for evolution has dealt me (and my species) a crippling blow. But no worries! We shall enjoy each others company for as long as we can, even if it becomes a Super-genius / Autistic person kind of relationship.

Thanks for everything,

Puppy Manohar
Canine Superstar

Some Sample Letters

1:04 AM
Hey Candy,

Can you please return the baking pan you borrowed from me last week? I wanted to bake something but I can't cos the pan's with you.

I am a man- yes, I know my name's Jennifer but I am a man.


8:41 AM

its new alright. But i hope this longing for novelty is not an excuse for the slaughter of the meek, widespread unemployment of the proleteriat and baseless discrimination of the unrepresented. Time has seen and history has shown that such "new" tools only create a criterion for marginalization of the human society. So well, if you want a new class bourgeois bloggers supressing the hues and cries of the lamenting proleteriat. THEN YES! I will join the Beta


12:56 AM
Hello Adolpfette,

Remember I bumped into you at the Anti-Rename-Hitler's-Cross-Restaurant-Protest. I was the one holding the "Nazis were cool, u r a Fool" placard and wearing a white tshirt with black swastika. I really liked your smile and appreciate you buying me a 5 star cos I was hungry. neway, I wanted to know if you were interested in meeting up 4 coffee or something sometime. Do reply - it is not everyday that one meets a girl who shares one's opinions.

Eugenix 4 Life


7:38 PM

Miya Tansen,

The chord Esus Amajor Asus Dsus Dm Dsus D6 Asus forms a major portion of your raaga Mia malhar. If this is true cross the box below. If not do not.

If C is permissible then ..


1:41 PM
Dear Prof. D'Britto,
I took Data Structures under you in 2001 at a prestigious institute in a leading metropolis in an emerging superpower. Its been a long time I needed to ask you this. But I have been procastinating due to the social confinements I face as a citizen of an emerging superpower.
I need to confess that I am madly obsessed with your perforated vests. I have been searching in vain for those, everywhere, from designer outlets to street vendors, all over the biggest superpower in the world. The diameter of the perforation, the sweet adsorption is very hard to recreate even for the hightech designers in the biggest superpower in the world.

Could I ask you a favour? Could you send a dozen of these perforated vests via a leading courier service? I would pay all your expenses incurred. Do send me this asap, as I have a date next month and I need to impress my date by wearing this vest and showing my chest hair.
Winona Rider (Mrs.)
P.S: Why did you kill me Brutus? you bastard.


4:46 AM
Dear Roshni,

Please, for Heaven's sake, don't try to talk in Japanese. It doesn't serve any purpose at all. At all. We all know you are a ditz, and at the age of 32 and a half, there is little you can do to change it.


Your cousin,
Akira Yamaha
CEO, The Other Yamaha (TM)
Making Things Since 1978 (TM)

9:13 AM

If you want to talk to me personally please stop making crank calls. This is a presitgious seminary reputed for its priests of great character and standing. Making blank calls only disturbs the tranquility of this place and scares away our sponsors. Your teenage daughters atheism can be cured in a month (full moeny back guarantee) and I can say that from my experience of having rehabilitated millions of agnostics, atheists, idol worshippers and substance abusers.

Love me or hate, please say something to me.

Tu du du,
Rabbi Salil Godse (Mrs.)

11:15 PM
Dear Mr. Lead Guitarist,

I am sorry to say that while you have been praised to the skies by your legions of adoring fans, you have failed to impress me. Your sweep arpeggios are sloppy at best - please try to make sure each note is clearly sounded instead of trying to move your hand as fast as possible. Also, your bends are horribly out of tune - listening to them is like running one's nails over a blackboard. I will have nightmares of your off-bends for a while. Please practice before attempting to be a rock star.

Thank you,
Guitar God
Bending notes to the right pitch since 1985 (TM)

7:23 AM
Dear Monisha

I want to tell you that the other day I saw you with another guy at Santa Cruz Station. He was quite old and visually impaired. So much for your promises of being together forever. I am 6 feet 5, have cleared all physical exams for the Merchant Navy and have an exceptional eyesight (especcially a good eye for details). And yet what do I get? I see you crossing the street with an old, bald, blind man. So long. Now I am searching for my soul mate here in Miami, someone who will never ever leave me.

yours truly,
Mrs. Damayanti Vellutadathparambil.
"Life is only as you see it. (with my eyes)"

7:45 AM
Dear Radhika,

After hearing you sing for the first time on Saturday at Priya chachi's house, I am sorry to say that I strongly believe there is no future for you as a playback singer. Your singing was awful and I'm sure everyone else in that room who was not tone deaf was either trying to suppress laughter or suppress tears. I am sorry that it has to be this way - I know it was your dream. Take heart - you are only 6 years old and there are a lot of exciting career opportunities for women in this day and age.


Anuradha Chaddha,
Headmistress, St. Ann's School for Girls (Retd.)


11:34 PM
Dear Rani-beti,

I have told you many times to not leave half-eaten fruits on top of the refrigerator as insects and rodents are attracted to these things. This morning, when I went to bring out the milk for heating I saw a rat chewing on what appeared to be the remains of a mango. Please stop this juvenile behaviour at once - it is not becoming of a girl of twenty three. I might have to take drastic action if this continues.

Your dadi,

Aruna Kapoor,
w/o Brig. Shivraj Kapoor


11:49 AM
Dearest Nancy,

I did not like your behaviour at Smita chachi's wedding, today. I have told you time and again that torturing prisoners of war is not approvable by Geneva Convention. Taking hostages and shouting around "We want our Birdy Num Num" with semi automatic weapons is not a good thing and people of our caste dont indulge in to such uncivilized behaviour.
Any way as a guardian it is my duty to preach you incessantly and waste my time at less than minimum wage.

yours sincerely,
Inspector Karan Saxena (Mrs.)
Call now and get free property in war torn areas.
"we take care of you, we take care of your lives"


7:19 AM
Hello Mr. Adelkar,

Thank you for your interest in Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc. I regret to inform you, however, that the handbag you requested ( OSS-283 ) is not available in White Chocolate. I do realise the trauma this may cause your better half or any other intended recipient of this gift, or even yourself, if you are so inclined, but there is nothing I can do in this regard - no plans have been made to release the same in White Chocolate.

Thank you for your interest,

Mrs. Indra Gupta
Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc.


7:09 AM

I perused your resume and was highly impressed by your skill set. I am glad to know that you are gravitated towards our research. But I regret to inform you that due to paucity of chairs we can not offer you a position at our lab. However, we have one position, a yoga asana 'Hastapaadasana', which occupies very little space and is increasess the odds of increasing the length of the femur. In case you can take it please do send a photo of you doing it. We will see how to take this further.

Hiten Manchandani (Mrs.) Phd.


12:04 AM
Hello Siddharth,

I heard from my neighbour's cousin's 3rd daughter's husband that you had a bad experience with a dentist and your fillings. It seems that the filling would not fill the tooth that needed to be filled, or atleast that's what the people are saying. Of course, I have no way to verify if you are the same Siddharth, but I'd like you to know that I am proficient in all sorts of fillings. Yes, even the ones that will stay in the tooth to be filled.


Dr. (Mrs) Jayanthi Devi, BDS , MDS.


8:43 PM
Hey Amit.

Long time. Hows u? Uncle told me the other day that Amit is going to Nainital.

I just want to confirm. are you? cos the uncle that I am talking about is not your uncle and the amit he is referring to is not you.

so are you going to Nainital?

Brigadier Vinit Nihalini (Mrs)