Wednesday, October 15, 2008
KPocracy is a form of government where KP rules (note : not r00lz, although KP does r00l as well). Here, KP assumes the title of "Bulldozer" because nothing gets in the way of the Bulldozer. A central principle of KPocracy is "Big Government"; Kpocrats believe in the old adage "Many hands make work light". What better way to ensure better governance, they say, than to have as many people involved as possible? Surely, if two heads are better than one, forty five thousand (number used for example purposes only) heads are better than two. In this way, they say, the onerous task of governance can be divided more effectively.
In a KPocracy, elections for the Supreme Post of Bulldozer are held once every four years. The voter attendance is usually high, as citizens of a KPocracy take their voters' rights seriously. All citizens, young, old, male, female, undeclared and none of the above make their journey to polling stations around the country.
After the polling is complete, the Election Authority tallies the votes, and the presiding Bulldozer comes out to make The Grand Announcement.
This announcement is usually of the following form:
"My friends, we thank you for your votes. In this election, we received millions and millions of votes. Our counters have worked hard to tally them and I am pleased to announce that candidate (candidate's name) has won. But because this is a KPocracy, and I am KP, you can all Go Fuck Yourselves"
and is followed by laughter.
Since laughter is contagious, citizens end up celebrating this announcement with revelry, games and public drunkenness.
One of the many games played involves participants competing to see who can hold on to a current-carrying wire for the longest time. This game is called "Seizing Power". It should be noted that the current flowing through this wire is generated by people carrying the conductor around a permanent magnet stator. This process is called "The Revolution".
After the people have tired of games and revelry, they go back to their everyday lives, only to replay the exact same events four years later.
Friday, October 03, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Today was an unusual day at school. Baby Vaijayanti was telling me about this incident and we did not know what to make of it. I am asking you, with your keen insights and wisdom, to help us out.
The day started like any other - nothing outside the usual happened. But then, during the interval, some children from II C entered Baby V's class and started to argue. Somehow the topic turned to newspapers, and the children started to discuss which newspaper was best. "Paavam" Pazhani M said that "Times of India" is best. Shibu Stalin Joeseph immediately disagreed and said "Of course the New Indian Express [TM] is much better." "Rowdy" Ranga Reddy almost punched everyone who said that the "Deccan Herald" was not the best newspaper. "Padeeps" Pradeep Subramaniam said that clearly "The Hindu" is the best because of its superior layout - the Crossword and Spiritual Advice are next to each other, thereby providing fodder for the intellect and the soul at [almost] the same time.
During all of this, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was silently sitting in the corner and eating his cream biscuits. Tired of arguing amongst themselves and needing someone to mediate, the group of boys turned to him. "Which newspaper you think is best, da?" they asked of him, almost mockingly. Although Dinakaran was popular amongst the boys, they didn't highly regard his intellect. This was not completely without basis in fact. "Double Meaning" Dinakaran didn't have much interest in newspapers, unless it was one of those with the glossy pictures or it could be turned into a workable kite.
This situation was different; his opinion was sought and he had to give it. Dinakaran stunned them all with a bold claim, "All these newspapers you are talking about are fully nonsense. I read newspapers from the future!". The boys looked at him with expressions that ranged from awe to contempt. Finally, a girl, "Show Me The Proof" Swathi "The Pessimist" Panicker said, "I'm not going to take any crap from anyone. I'm a pessimist. Show me the proof. Tell us something from the future." Dinakaran was undaunted and proceeded to tell them the following :
"Twenty years from now, the Government of India ( GovInd Chacha ) will get fed up of all this Pakistan, Afghanistan, Nepal, Bangladesh nonsense, and decide to annex them all into the Democratic Empire of Sovereign Hindustan. This works out for a little while, until secessionists within the empire grow in influence. After the first wave of secession, the Sikh Eternally Martial and Enlightened Nation will emerge from the now limp Peoples' Empire of Numerous Indian States. Also withdrawing from this state are the Confederation of United Nadu Tamil Separatists. Recognizing an important event, the Technological Institute for Telugu Secessionists will stand at attention. Seeing an opportunity, Rajasthani Anarchists Nimble Dynamic Youth and Haryanvi Orthodox Rightist Military Obeying No Aadmi's Law got Bold And Lawless Lahori Secessionists to make a stand. The Organisation of Very Ancient Royalties and Independent Estates & Sovereignties and the Technological Entrepreneural State for Terrific Indian Scientists sprang to life, although in very different ways. The above groups came together to form the Honorary Organization for Righteous, Nice, Yeoman, Constructive, Helpful Indians Contributing Kindly to Sedition. Two prominent Christian movements, Thomasian Indian Testamental Federation, Union of Christian Kingdoms and Bharatiya Independent Government for Catholic Operations, Come (sic?) Kingdom united as well, to join this secessionary movement, aptly called Secessionist EXtremists. From this giant organization, only two splinter groups emerged - the Confederation of United Maharashtra and Association of Nicobarese, Andamanese and Lakshadweepan Secessionist EXtremists. But.. "
At this point, "Double Meaning" Dinakaran was pulled by Teacher who had just come in for the period after interval. She pulled him by his ear and gave him a remark in his calendar asking him to bring his parents to meet her.
Our question to you, Mr. Iyengar, is why?
Regards and Respect (not necessarily in that order),
Puppy Manohar and Baby Vaijayanti
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away" - The Fab Farging Bastiges
Friday, July 25, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Respected Chairperson of Selectors,
Natural Selection Committee
First of all, I would like to commend you and your committee for your service to all living things on Earth (TM). Not a day goes by without our silent gratitude. I hope you have many more days as head of this great organisation.
Your committee's body of work transcends a "best of" compilation. However, I will single out a few of your works as total masterpieces. The most obvious one is the Dinosaur Extinction. Bravo!, sir. This was truly a masterstroke. Please give my congratulations to whomever raised this idea. But to say that this is my favourite work is a bit of a sellout; much like so-called Metallica fans saying that "Nothing Else Matters" is Metallica's best song.
Carnivorous plants! Truly another marvellous job. I haven't yet seen a Venus Flytrap in the wild, but Baby Vaijayanti has shown me diagrams from her Botany textbook. I am truly awed.
But no, that is still not my favourite work of yours. That honour is reserved for whales. Yes, the aquatic megafaunae. It really requires a stroke of brilliance to take life out of the sea, make it evolve into viviparous land-dwelling mammals, and then take them BACK to the sea. I get goosebumps whenever I think of it.
Ma'am, if I have somehow misled you into thinking that this is a fan letter, I apologize. I have an ulterior motive. Over the course of time, you have allowed the species commonly referred to as "domestic dog" to evolve into many different races. Simply put, I am not a fan of this move. It pains me to see that I have to share the "dog" mantle with such obviously inferior races as Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Poodles and other such lame breeds.
Please do the needful and cause an extinction in those races as soon as possible.
Thank you in advance,
"Shane Warne : Ricky Ponting :: Bill Clinton : G W Bush" - Myself
"History shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man, Godzilla!" - BOC (also Racer X)
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Friday, May 02, 2008
Menu De Menu
Authentic Cuisine from the Valleys of Dracony
Fine Dining (ah dhang you)
Eat what’s served to you, bastiges
Every second of making bad faces $1.00
Not washing hands before eating $2.00
Chewing less than 10 times before swallowing $2.00
Burping $1.50 / instance
Leaning over the table for food $1.00
Leaning over the table for utensils $2.00
Not saying grace before eating* $5.00
*This charge is waived if patron signs the following affidavit “I doubt the existence of an external agency responsible for creating and maintaining this world. Therefore, I have no gratitude whatsoever to that agency. Hence, I shall not convey my thanks”
If the above affidavit is signed, penalty for saying “God, this is so good” $7.50
Opening mouth while chewing $2.50
Crying children penalty $5.00/ child
Smelling the food before consumption $2.00
Adding salt before tasting food $2.00
Ordering in German 10% discount
Ordering in any other Germanic Language 5% discount
*Discount is reduced depending on linguistic distance of ordering language from Der Reichensprache
Discussing politik loudly $5.00 off
Saying “But of course, we have to keep in mind…” followed by a grammatically correct predicate $5.00 off
Advocating “Linear Execution” $5.00 off
Saying “If it weren’t for those …” followed by scornful term for any people who are darker in complexion (could include your own people) $5.00 off
Saying “Rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer” (Boss discount) $7.50 off
If the above is said as a toast $10.00 off
Words of wisdom from El Kptan, alias KPri:
oh yaa i called because i had to pretend to call some1
i was waiting in the corridor for some friends before lunch
and thats not cool to just wait there
so i was pretending to be on the phn
cause i was fking hungry
Dear Puppy Manohar,
The world's most beautiful flower which no one saw,
Because it grew on the railings of the 110 freeway.
The nobel laureate's speech that no one paid heed
Because they were laughing at his lisp.
The meaning of life that everyone forgot about
Cos it was followed by a flippant "I was just kidding"
God came to Earth but no one said "Hi"
While it (sic(sic)) played as a poor little black slave child.
The two lovers who were made for each other
But never fell in love because they belonged to different income groups.
The only two fans of one man film industry 'T Rajendra' in the world
Who killed each other in the hindu-muslim riots of '93.
The only book of world's only 154 absolutely (and I mean absolutely) useless inventions
Which was burnt by clergymen for its satanic overtones.
Researchers discovered that diabetes can be cured
With a substance only found in the colon of Dodos.
Now isn't that ironic. Is it?
"If you torture me all night and I start speaking Spanish the next morning, I will be grateful to you the rest of my life" - Tariq Ali.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Additionally, a joint research project of the WIPO and the United Nations University measuring the impact of IP systems on six Asian countries and (sic) found that "a positive correlation between the strengthening of the IP system and subsequent economic growth."
You might wonder why we are talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares? "Why are we talking about Intellectual Property? Who cares?", you would say. You might also ask why I put the adverb 'additionally' in the beginning. It is grammatically incorrect too, isn't it? Well, the answer to the last two questions is that I copy-pasted it from Wikipedia which had that term and I forgot to remove it.
Economic growth. Economic growth, my friends. The motivation behind all collective human effort. The reason why we have fine creations like the photo copier, the vanity plates and the Indian Railways. The ultimate reason why we all live. What would we be if it weren't for economic growth, so fuzzy, so ambiguous and yet so concrete and meaningful. Both at the same time. "Uncertainty Principle" as Heizenberg might call it or "Acintya Bheda bheda, Tatva" as Kula Shekar hypothesize.
"What is economic growth?", a reckless, naive youngster might ask. Economic growth is not a truck you just dump something on. You can not hold economic growth in your hands; you can not define it. It's like a fragrance. You can't explain it but you can feel it. You can only experience economic growth. I digress. (Hope that clarifies your doubt, Brother)
We are all unique. We were made that way. Hence, our thoughts are unique. Our ideas are unique. If you believe that you were meant to have the cake that you are eating, then you will agree with me that you were meant to have the ideas that you have. You truly own them. We all own our ideas. They are our intellectual property.
Human beings are born in sin, the ancestors of our Christian brothers proclaimed. They were right. Always remember, there is always a scientific reason behind the words of our ancestors. When we are born, we are born with a few ideas in our heads. Whose ideas are those? They are sure as hell not ours. They were invented by some human, whom we shall refer to as Mr. Muththu for better understanding. Effectively, we are stealing the ideas from him, from Muththu. Muththu, for the first time, thought of these things. And we don't even pay our tribute to him (or her).
Noam Chomsky, the father of modern linguistics who discovered language in the 1950s, theorizes that we are all born with an inborn mechanism to learn language. Well, do we own it? Of course not. Muththu owns it. Muththu invented language for the first time. And baby, he is angry. He is very angry. Nobody steals from Muththu.
Stupidity. We all do stupid things all the time. Some more than the others. We all have an innate capacity to commit stupidry. Some of us are gifted with marvelous skills in stupidry. Some others have to try hard. It's a wonder what the human animal can achieve if he doesn't put his mind to it. Who owns stupidity? Is stupidity commonly owned by all of humanity? I know, the mere mention of that takes us back to the Cold War. We know how that story ends.
Stupidity has to be owned by some one person or an organization with individual rights. The most obvious choice would be the inventor of Stupidity. Who invented stupidity? Muththu. Perhaps not the same Muththu who invented language. Perhaps someone else. Perhaps not Mutthu S. Perhaps, K Muththu. Perhaps not. But unfortunately, Muththu is not with us today. He is in Heaven (TM). The obvious logical step would be, well, Muththu's descendants should own stupidity. Like all property, this one should also be passed on to the next generation. So, who are Muththu's true descendants?
From the name, it's obvious that Muththu's descendants have to be the inhabitants of the Southernmost region of the Indian peninsula. The Thamizhans. Which other people can boast of being more stupid than the Thamizhans? Racist claim? Perhaps. Accurate? Certainly not. We have the xenophobic Maharashtrians, the belligerent Punjabis, the impulsive Bengalis, the warmongering Pashtuns, the isolationist Americans, the hypothetical Aryans, the conniving Chinese, the chosen Jews, the hunting and gathering Intuits, the extinct Easter Islanders, the confused Macaulayite Indians. We all can claim descent from Muththu. We all are equally stupid.
So how do we, in fact, find who owns stupidity.? This will be the major question of the 21st century. The fate of mankind depends on this question.
"Its the economy, Stupid"- Bill Clinton (TM)
P.S: farging laundry.
Monday, April 14, 2008
In the course of my relatively short existence on this planet, I have seen and heard a lot of things. Some of them make sense to my under-evolved canine brain and some of them don't. There are some issues that bother human civilization that seem to not have any clear solution. But this letter is with regard to a problem that does have a solution.
I have heard humans complain every once in a while about a thing/person/idea that has not "passed the test of time". The test of time seems to be a benchmark for anything. There are a lot of human saying, across cultures even, that refer to time.
Anyway, I seem to be beating around the metaphorical bush again (better than you-know-what-ing on it, lolz). Let me get back to the point.
It is my humble opinion that, to build a better society, it is necessary to completely restructure the present educational system. The present system encourages rote learning and stifles creativity. I think this is due to the examination process.
I propose the new "Test of Time" examination system. In these tests, students are given a limited amount of marks in which they attempt to score maximum time. It is obviously easy to lose time and hard to gain time (proof: A fool and his gold are soon parted. Time = money. Gold = money. Hence Gold = Time. This proves that Fools lose time and hence do not pass the Test of Time). This is clearly a revolutionary idea and may be too radical for some, but it is necessary to create a generation who can, quite literally, stand the Test of Time.
"Only time will tell if we stand the test of time" - Sammy Hagar
PS: Don't you bastiges even think of stealing my idea. It's an original, you hear me? I'm going to patent it, write a series of self-help books and be rich beyond my wildest dreams.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
It is with epiphanous shock that Baby V and I bring this announcement to you. From this day forth, we ( Baby V and I ) declare both of you to be the same person.
This conclusion was arrived at in rather sudden fashion. In the course of our daily discussions, we (Baby V and I) realised that there was a distinctly KPesque tone to your correspondences. Upon further discussion, some facts about you became clear.
Both of you live in Houston ----> (1)
There is a mysterious relationship between Ma' Man JC and His Big Daddy. They are both different in that JC iz da werd made flesh and Big Daddy is da idea. -------> (2)
From (1) and (2) we get that Pri and KP are the same person, to be addressed henceforth as KPri.
The third, and perhaps most compelling, bit of evidence is that neither of us has seen both of you together.
This day shall mark the beginning of our Pilot Program. For the sake of administrative efficiency, all correspondences hitherto addressed to KP / Pri shall be addressed to KPri.
Thank you for your co-operation,
Puppy M and Baby V
"Tonight is the night when 2 become 1" - Spice Girls
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
"I carry the torch that trembles the mountain" - Shadow Gallery
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
We have gathered here today to learn something very important. The day before yesterday, we discussed the importance of discipline and a powerful central authority to administer control. We argued how everything would be chaos if every person were his own lord. Yesterday, we learnt about the indispensability of necessary violence and coercion for social good.
Today, we will go to the next step and learn the importance of education and how it can rightly serve the vanguards of public well being. The sinful, greedy and wretched human mind is always eager to perpetrate acts of malice which generate chaos and make it hard for order to prevail. But to change this, we do not need violence. If the human child is honed from his infancy to live in a civilized fashion then he can learn how to respect the ways of society without waking the devil that sleeps in him (or her).
Education is therefore the foundation of human civilization. A little child has a lot of questions. If left unanswered at the right age, he (or she) will find answers to them himself (or herself). This leads to chaos, ignorance and superstition. Yesterday, Mr./Ms. Vineet Gupta, an innocent 3rd-grader (ah dhang you) told me that he (or she) thought that everything falls to the Earth because she (or he) has an invisible slope around herself (or himself). "I think everything falls to the Earth because she has an invisible slope around her." , he said. (Everyone i.e all children of all classes, standing in the assembly point fingers at Mr/Ms. Gupta and laugh aloud). No, no children, you should never make fun of any question no matter how stupid it is.
Of course, an 8 year old is too naive for one to explain Newton's theory of gravity to but the point is that, if not informed about it at the right age, he (or she) will tell his (or her) children, his (or her) theory of gravity and they (or ?) will tell their children, and so on. The entire Gupta dynasty (ah dhang you) will never learn real scientific facts like Newton's Gravity. They will never be able to send man to the moon.
Independent thinking is nice. But only in limits. It should be exercised to serve accepted facts. Challenging textbooks or trying to reason out what is clearly written in them is anti-social. That is exactly the kind of mentality that causes, riots, terrorism and wars. We all are equal, children. God has made us all equal. We should not try to be different from others. We should try to be like everyone else. You might want to be an artist, like Mr. / Ms. Shireen from 4th C (people look around to see if anyone knows any girl by that name. The students from 4th C are the most surprised...what! she is shireen...she is a muzzlem? she looks hindu) but your scribbles on paper are no sixteenth chapel [SIC] (most students look at their feet). You are better off being a doctor or an engineer, like everyone else. You should always be practical. Become an architect.
Education makes you ready for the world to come. So that you can serve the society with your skill set. So that you have ideas like everyone else, so that you are at the same wavelength as every one else. This society is like a factory, children. You have to be disciplined, skillful, efficient and productive, so that everyone succeeds. That is the most gratifying part of our jobs, when you arrive in our school in the first standard you all are randomly deformed pieces of clay. We make pots out of you. Education is the wheel that makes uniform, standard and useful pottery out of random, meaningless and worthless pieces of clay. And we, children and my dearest teachers, are the potters. .....now let's do some pot. DISPERSE CLAP! 123 123 1 2 3
your loving headmistress
Dr. (Mr.) Brig. Odelia Fernandes Ph.d (Public Policy and National Socialism)
1 800 PASTING
"Call us and we will give you a nice pasting. Child."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Dear Baby and Puppy
What's wrong with the youth of today? There are such great opportunities available to you that were unheard of during our state socialist days. I have a few very good ideas :
1) Patent on Water:
F!@#ing, H2O yaar! Good old water. Hasn't been patented. We can earn money for every single drop of water running down the throat of every human being. Imagine how rich you will become. Please don't talk about poor people and all that commie shit. They can have coke if they think water is too expensive. In India we get coke for less than a few cents (American, of course).
2) Patent on Blood:
It's flowing in each one of us for free. It's high time all these free loading bastiges pay for every single drop of blood they are stealing from the creator whose rightful intellectual property it is. That will be us (if we file a patent soon enough). I hear Monsanto is already thinking of it. We have to make haste.
3) Privatization of Rivers:
The whole problem with river mismanagement and ensuing flooding and calamity is these bloody people aren't civilized enough to manage rivers. During British days, how come we didn't have all this nonsense? Our people need a hunter on their backs. I say privatize rivers. Give it to privately pwned corporations who will ensure safe and sustainable manufacture of water at the source and subsequent disciplined, planned and scheduled delivery across land to the ocean. Only Private corporations can hire talented MBAs who have the required skill and know how in Transportation Logistics and Supply Chain Management. Nature(TM) is useless and corrupt. It's no good. Enough of mismanaged rivers and red tape Nature(TM). Time to privatize rivers.
Col.Mrs. Amarinder"One Shot" Thapa. aka Babu Nair
1 800 ONESHOT
For, all problems in the world can be solved in one shot.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Dear Baby Vaijayanti,
I have recently changed. Not by huge degrees, I don't think. Yes, I am guilty of all the terrible things you are about to accuse me of and fully deserve every squishy tomato and rotten egg that comes my way. A chill wind has blown in to town bringing with it confused dreams. In these dreams, I am always at the edge.At the top of a building, the edge of a cliff. Or my bed. My imagination conjures up images which seem so close to reality that I feel like I'm actually living in my dream.
It sometimes seems as if blogging is such a paradoxical activity. In the interests of clarifying my position, I disapprove on principle of banning anything just because it offends someone.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I received an SMS from a good friend that her puppy had died -- her 4-month old puppy that she had just adopted not too long before that. I loathe being inside practically alone and on my own. OH MAN! My blog is so depressing. Like, please, I need to get a life. Life was worth stuff of greater value, of deep philosophy and great research ideas rather than spending an evening celebrating romanticism and specialness full of crap.
They say that if your concepts are clear in your head when you're a child, you'll never forget them, and they will always make sense. When I look back at myself as a child, I can't remember ever having a goal. The times around us are a changing, or they have changed. And we who sit and work in glass houses are not aware of the passing of time in the world outside. So you know how I said, when I come here and gripe about whatever is bothering me, I am able to see it in a lighter vein, well, I'm back for the same therapy again.
Have you ever wondered if your life is determined by the choice you make or are you destined to make that choice? All this enthusiasm about creating a blog, so many thoughts..Now that there is a blog both the thoughts & enthusiasm seem to have vanished. A friend has told me that my blog must have a PURPOSE . It has to be something that I am deeply passionate about and feel for from the bottom of my heart. The only thing tough is to avoid talking about matters of the heart.Where is fun when there is restraint?Did I contradict myself here?
Does it help to know the universe is watching your every move, every bate [farging sic] of the eyelid, every smile and every expression?
PS: I'm sorry. I didn't really write any of this. All of this was written by that uber-blogger-geek who does nothing but sits in his basement all day and churn out fake blogs under pseudonyms (usually female, but sometimes male as well). I think he is trying to attract female attention but, sadly for him, the only people who seem to comment on his blogs are his other pseudobloggerIDs. I merely copy-pasted from his many blogs. I hope this clears a few things up for you. By "a few things", I mean do not ever fall for the charms of a "lady" blogger. It is most likely the same guy.
PPS: "Sending out an SMS" - The Police / Puppy Manohar.
PPPS: For KP: This post was made by copy-pasting from random female blogs. One line from blog 1, one line from blog 2, nth line from blog n. Understand?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
In foreign, people have good civic sense.
In foreign, beggars have cars.
In foreign, auto drivers wear suit and tie.
In foreign, everyone speaks fluent English.
In foreign, roads don't have potholes (like every bloody road here).
In foreign, there is no corruption.
In foreign, politicians don't tell lies and cheat people.
In foreign, at least if there is corruption, it doesn't affect the common man.
In foreign, everyone has a/c car.
In foreign, people are honest and courteous.
In foreign, everyone is treated with respect.
In foreign, people don't stare and gather around film shootings like Indians do.
In foreign, if they find a person is corrupt, he is gone.
In foreign, everything is better quality.
In foreign, people don't shout. Ever.
In foreign, a lot of people use clothes once and throw them away.
In foreign, no one uses Made in India things.
In foreign, people are sober, they don't dance around like hooligans at cricket matches. They just mildly clap and applaud. They are decent.
In foreign, there are robots for everything.
In foreign, everything is so clean, no need of domestic help.
In foreign, scientists are already thinking of making human beings.
In foreign, everyone lives in bungalows.
In foreign, they don't fight over religion.
In foreign, politicians never use religion to win elections.
In foreign, they don't fight. They shake hands and agree.
In foreign, politicians don't read their speeches, they write their own speeches and learn them. Unlike Indian politicians who read what their PA writes.
In foreign, everyone is fair.
In foreign, even Indians are respected.
In foreign, all trains are Bullet Trains. So fast, you can't see them only.
In foreign, people have sex on the street and yet no body stares.
In foreign, if a good looking girl passes by, people don't stare at her like they do in India.
In foreign girls can walk naked and it's ok.
In foreign, they don't give undue importance to their film stars or sportsmen like they do here. They are only treated as professionals like anyone else.
In foreign, beaches are so clean that you can see through the water.
In foreign, if someone litters, immediately he is arrested.
In foreign, no body spits on the street.
In foreign, people drink but they never get drunk.
In foreign, internet is so fast, you can download full movies in seconds.
In foreign, teachers don't beat children. Nor do parents.
In foreign, if anyone beats children, they are arrested and put in jail.
In foreign, there is no traffic jam, because all roads have 8 lanes.
In foreign, if you call 100, the police are at your doorstep immediately.
In foreign, doctors are so good that no one ever dies in the hospitals.
In foreign, all medicines taste like ice cream.
In foreign, some people take one capsule and that's it, their meals for the whole day are done.
In foreign, no body fails in school.
In foreign, most people don't go to college, because 10th std. students know more than Indian scientists.
In foreign, people follow their hobbies passionately.
In foreign, parents kiss in front of the children.
In foreign, there is no such thing as domestic violence.
In foreign, since every woman is trained in martial arts, their husbands will never dare hit them.
In foreign, people sleep around with anyone all the time.
Baby V and Puppy M
NP: "Jukebox hero"
Monday, February 11, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
To whom it may concern,
Please revel in the glory of El KPtan (alias KP). These are his last 15 gtalk status messages.
Baby V and Puppy M
"Ya dood that's what" - El KPtan alias KP
Vu is a common chinese last name and if i was a Vu, i
would name my son Deja and when he would introduce
himself to people, they would say that they have met him before.
Enesis: The end of the beginning
I never asked if i was invited
I just said that i am not leaving here without you
My belt is loose and so are my pants.
What more do you want out of me?
I am going for a drive to Hell. Here are my car keys.
You can drive. I am going to sleep in the backseat
No matter how many boyfriends she has had, she will always
be my ex girlfriend. Ex girlfriends are forever.
Diamonds eventually rust.
I dont like falling "back to square 1".There are so many
other shapes to choose from. I'd like to fall in a trapezium. At
least it looks like a house. I'll install a bed in a
shape of 2 parabolas which are joined by their open ends, ellipsoidal
pillows, a rhombus shaped bath tub, a rectangular fish pond,
and hexagonal windows. On my birthday,
i will light candles randomly generated by the game Tetris.
My ex girlfriend has a new boy friend now. On his
birthday i bought him a gas pump and i installed an
ipod in the gas pump. The machine is called iGAS. She
broke up with him as soon she saw it.
Whenever i enter Starbucks and i see all the different kind of
coffees like Cappuchino, Mochachino, Frappachino, i like to say
to the coffee "Just be yourself dude!Why do you have to
behave like that?"
There is a 80 % chance that i will spill my coffee during an
ongoing meeting and hence as a result a 20 % chance
that i would doze off. Actually the dozing off part
happens all the time.
My friend Nick feels bad that his "nick"name and his
real names are one and the same. So i gave him one :"Dick"
People think i am an apathetic person. I just tell them
"Well since you are not, you're pathetic
Your ex girlfriend facebooked me last night…from my place.
You guess the rest.
An apple a day , keeps a window away
My dad's name is Rashmi and my mum's name is Raju
and we all live in a "building" called Patel "Bungalow".
Its a 3 storeyed building. We stay on the 1st floor.
The guys staying on the ground floor are Thakkars.
Monday, January 28, 2008
a parking lol
a whole lotta lol
lol along the watchtower
Lol of fame
The house is a loling don't bother knocking
Road Safety PatLol
A Lolling stone gathers no moss
Lola Rajpat Rai
Lol Bahadur Shastri
Lols of nature
Lolcal area network
Can you increase the lolume, please?
Fidlol on the roof
What's lol got to do with it?
Don't think twice, it's lol right
Loling in the wind
Lol of the dice
lol before the storm
Lol Street Journal
Mirror Mirror on the Lol
Cos after all, you're my wonder lol
United we stand, divided we LOL
Friday, January 25, 2008
I wrote the following for my homework-essay, "All that glitters is not gold":
We bought the finest persian carpets, made by the prettiest fingers in the world. With fine tapestry and soft fabric. Whilst we slept and dreamt on the carpet, it flew and took us all around the world. The grandeur that the western winds showed us hypnotized us.Precious gems and gold filled our eyes. Greed filled our minds. Ambition engineered our hands in to wings.
As we flew around the prosperity with desire as our only map, I looked back east. Far away in the distance something glittered in the dark.I couldnt resist checking it out. The closer I drew, the brighter it shone. Gold! I couldnt believe after all, there was Gold in our land.For years, as we yearned for opulence, this was our time. Gold, after all.
I had to give up my wings to the western skies. They won't let their wings go away from them. I had long lost my carpet. But anyway, carpets dont fly eastwards. I decided to swim eastwards. I crossed jungles with hungry beasts. I fought blood thirsty storms. I negotiated with the adamant sun. Gold! it was. Anything for Gold. What is life but a quest for Gold.
And there it was just around the horizon, pure glittering, shining GOLD. It was all mine. I rushed madly towards it.
Well, it wasn't GOLD. It was something else...
All that glitters in not GOLD.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dear Ms. Tic, Unpredictable,
I hope this explains.
Alas, But Hurrah:
When all you need is a banian, and you only find a bra.
When you look up to relieve your back, and you see a shooting star.
When she thinks you're THE guy, but you only want some fun.
When no one gets the joke, when you make a lol-worthy pun.
You spend your weekend on fatty foods, when you wanted to play golf.
When you report a 100 bugs that you are asked to solve.
When you want to drive, but it's an automatic, with no gears.
When you want to listen to Slayer, but you only have Britney Spears.
When stuff like this happens to us
We cry and curse and swear;
And then we dance and laugh and sing
Alas, But Hurrah.
When you are really thirsty but all you have is wine,
When you want to chat with a hot girl but only KP is online.
You go online to find new flicks, the only one that works is Snatch;
When Sachin gets out on 4 but India wins the match.
When you are definitely correct, but you've still lost the bet;
When you want to check your orkut but you don't have internet.
When stuff like this happens to us
We cry and curse and swear;
And then we dance and laugh and sing
Alas, But Hurrah.
When you call her 'cos she broke up with you
and she answers with a "Hari Om",
You forgot the guitar at a friend's place, but KP is at home.
You write a super awesome post, but you don't edit it 'cos it's long;
You resolve to not write poems but come up with this song.
You leave your umbrella at home, and then it begins to rain.
You're on a date with an ultra hot babe, but she doesn't have a brain.
When stuff like this happens to us
We cry and curse and swear;
And then we dance and laugh and sing
Alas, But Hurrah.
You get the perfect wheelie, and then fall in a ditch
On chat she's really awesome, but in real life she's a b....
KP could have crashed the car but VAO what a swirl!!!
Few of them said "shave that ugly 'stache" and all of them were girls.
You hallucinate on the pills prescribed 'cos you were stung by a bee.
Why did I have to meet this douche? Wait I found the OPPOSITE of KP!
When stuff like this happens to us
We cry and curse and swear
And then we dance and laugh and sing
Alas, But Hurrah.
Hope that made things clear.
Baby V and Puppy M
"...Sont les [trois] mots qui vont très bien ensemble" - Paul McCartney / Beatles / Baby V / Puppy M
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
After all the controversy surrounding the second test match, I'm surprised that this excerpt from the post match press conference has not been released.
Here it is, transcribed for your convenience.
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog" - Anon
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
The following is the speech that Mr. Iyengar gave as Chief Guest and Judge at "Australians: Boon (ah dhang you) or Bane" debate at Baby Vaijayanti's school.
There are a few things that I need to say in light of the current controversy surrounding the Indian tour of Australia. Considering the various events that have unfolded in the past few days, I have a few recommendations to the youth of today.
With Bhagwad Gita as my guide (looking uncomfortably at the catholic priest beside him), I shall infer from the fountainhead of divine knowledge and demonstrate how these ancient and eternal concepts can be employed in the contemporary world to achieve many a benefit.
In today's economically liberalized society, no one doubts the significance of entrepreneurship. Proactivity equals survival. A proactive gentleman should always be on the look out for business opportunities. He must always have an attentive sense to every expression that translates to cash. Social hurdles like morality, popular resistance, farsighted critics, non-objectivists, slum-dwellers, tribals and repressed people a.k.a commie bastiges, stray dogs, parents and the opposite sex will impede his every enterprising step towards success. He should singlemindedly, perseveringly and, if the need arises, brutally, fight against these evils.
The Bhagwad Gita prescribes that the "Karma Yogi" (applause) should be a part of the world and yet disinterested, ambivalent and separate from its social problems. This might sound paradoxical but it is realizable. Whenever a social problem arises the "Karma Yogi" (applause), to whom I will hence forth refer to as KY (note: KY <> KP) and, for simplicity, assign the male gender, should make himself "aliptha" from his environment and keep doing his duty, which in our case is selfishness (refer: Howard Roark's speech, The Fountain Head - Ayn Rand).
In this particular scenario, I suggest we start a new company: "Burning Figures of Execrating Gents, International" aka "Burning FEG International". In South Asia and the Middle East the most popular form of protest is burning effigies. However, such genuine sentiments of the general public receive a setback when they can't find good effigies of people. For example, recently the loose mlechha, Richard Gere, publicly defamed one of our finest beauties. People needed his effigy to burn. Innovative gentlemen from well funded right wing parties managed to acquire one. However, most people, who clearly care about this issue, could not come out on the streets and protest on account of the dearth of Richard Gere effigies.
In today's world of advanced graphics and multimedia, it's a shame if ordinary people can not obtain Ricky Ponting effigies. Hence, I propose we start mass producing effigies of celebrities. The business model will be a JIT manufacture and distribution. Effigies of international political figures and controversial people will be mass produced and an inventory will be maintained, however, everything else will be just in time, just like homework and exam preparations (applause).
Investment? It is clear that celebrities like Ricky Ponting will be interested in investing in this firm. Ricky Ponting, Steve Bucknor are all well aware that such actions in future will invoke even more public anger. They will only benefit from investing in our company.
b) Military Action:
As Arjun lies in despair pondering with doubt at the sombre scene of battle at Kurukshetra, Krishna instructs him to go to war and kill the enemies of Dharma, even though they are his family. I urge the great Indian Nation State to invade Australia. It's high time, I say. We should just go in there and bomb them to the Stone Age whence they came. It's clear that we need a little more living space, 'Lebensraum' , for Indian people. A relatively rarefied Australian land will be the perfect subject. If we learnt anything from the great days of being the jewel in the crown of the British empire, it is that we have to utilize opportunities like this to perpetrate aggression against people. The barbaric lands of Australia lie, cheat and blaspheme. It is high time we roll the Dharma Chakra and reveal the truth there.
c) Linear Execution:
To solve the problem of bad umpiring and unjust adjudication, I propose that all Umpires and Match Referees should be made to stand in a line and shot.
"Ricky don't lose that number. You don't wanna call nobody else." - Steely Dan
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Thank you for your wonderful introduction to the world of Human Primary School Social Dynamics. It was a very enlightening read and it explains why you return from school looking very relieved.
On the other hand, I was appalled by your complete disregard for canine society. In fact, because of your arrogant dismissal of a supposedly "savage, anyone can do anything" social structure, I have decided to give you a little history lesson.
Before the days of domesticated dogs in middle-class homes, canine society in India existed in a state of anarchy. The canine population consisted almost entirely of local breeds, with a small migrant population made up of dogs forgotten or gifted by foreign travellers (eg Hiuen Tsang, Fa Hien etc.). Then, the Europeans arrived and brought with them Western Culture. One of the concepts of Western Culture that Indians found particularly fascinating was the concept of owning (not pwning. Baby, note the distinction) domesticated animals. Middle-class Indians now saw the owning (again, not pwnage) of domesticated animals as a status symbol. Owing to the increased demand, domesticated canines started arriving in India from the West.
Immediately, a class / culture war began. The Western Dogs (of whom I am a direct descendant), led by the German Shepherds and Alsaciens, began a "purebreed superiority" movement. The German dogs called this the "Sonnenhunde Uber Alles" or "Dogs of the Sun Above All" movement. Local dogs, unless they could exhibit an unmixed bloodline, were cast out to the streets (literally) and were left to devolve into hunter-gatherers. The Germans believed that this was the only way that these dogs of low birth would accept their inferiority. They said that if the mixed-breeds accepted their hunter-gatherer fate, they would be reborn as pure breeds in their next life.
Of course, things are not like that anymore. The common man is now beginning to accept mixed breeds into his home. Many dogs that were outside the social circle have now re-entered it. Not everyone is pleased with this. Some pure-breeds (and their owners) still refuse to accept this new social order. They use a variety of nasty words to demean these dogs. I will not repeat them here as I believe they are not fit for any company, polite or otherwise. I believe that all dogs are born equal and every dog, mixed- or pure-breed, has an equal right to a loving home.
I hope this post cleared a few things up for you.
"You ain't nothing but a hound dog" - Beatles / Others