Friday, May 02, 2008

Menu De Menu

Menu De Menu

Authentic Cuisine from the Valleys of Dracony

Fine Dining (ah dhang you)


Eat what’s served to you, bastiges

Fine Dining

Every second of making bad faces $1.00

Not washing hands before eating $2.00

Chewing less than 10 times before swallowing $2.00

Burping $1.50 / instance

Leaning over the table for food $1.00

Leaning over the table for utensils $2.00

Not saying grace before eating* $5.00

*This charge is waived if patron signs the following affidavit “I doubt the existence of an external agency responsible for creating and maintaining this world. Therefore, I have no gratitude whatsoever to that agency. Hence, I shall not convey my thanks”

If the above affidavit is signed, penalty for saying “God, this is so good” $7.50

Opening mouth while chewing $2.50

Crying children penalty $5.00/ child

Smelling the food before consumption $2.00

Adding salt before tasting food $2.00

Ordering in German 10% discount

Ordering in any other Germanic Language 5% discount

*Discount is reduced depending on linguistic distance of ordering language from Der Reichensprache

Discussing politik loudly $5.00 off

Saying “But of course, we have to keep in mind…” followed by a grammatically correct predicate $5.00 off

Advocating “Linear Execution” $5.00 off

Saying “If it weren’t for those …” followed by scornful term for any people who are darker in complexion (could include your own people) $5.00 off

Saying “Rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer” (Boss discount) $7.50 off

If the above is said as a toast $10.00 off


Words of wisdom from El Kptan, alias KPri:

oh yaa i called because i had to pretend to call some1
i was waiting in the corridor for some friends before lunch
and thats not cool to just wait there
so i was pretending to be on the phn
cause i was fking hungry


Pri said...

um i objekt milord. this conversation has been taken completely out of context. kindly provide proof of such words being said in that same exact order.

SantaCLAWZZZZ said...

Dear Pri,

yes you have caught me.

I indeed have failed in keeping up to my word and that is not copying from you.

First it was ze shape and now ze statement!!!!
i mean the shape is fine
what? its just a shape!!

but the statement?????
how dare i?
i mean who in their right frame of mind would do such a thing?

yes me..guilty as charged
and my frame of mind is not right either
i am having the fking VERTIGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is fkin crazy
in the last 2 years i have suffered

1 Spider Bites
2 2 Neurotic girlfriends
3 Plagiarism Accusations
4 Right Hand Fractured
5 Starred in a movie shot by a repulsive director who din even sleep with me for acting in her movie
6 Unemployment

So if u wanna object yr list of sufferings must bear a serial number greater than 7. and that goes for all yall commenters.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie shop?
No 3 stole the cookie from the cookie shop
Who me?
Yes you
Couldnt be
Then who?"


narendra shenoy said...

Gedmeuntandurienchickenen mit Butterennaanen So Sprach Einstein.

Danke Schoen Bitte My Assoff.

Do I qualify for the 10% discount?

Is there an extra discount if one laughs in German? (For example, Herr, Herr, Herr)


Space Bar said...

What happens if some signs the affidavit and then says "Gah! Dis is zawful!" (but doesn't spit out food)?

Bikerdude said...

Kindly add the following caveat: If any or all of the food items in the menu contain probiotic yoghurt mixed with dead rice (killed by skinning and boiling), all the above rules are invalid and $10 will be immediately reimbursed to the diner

Ye gaat a leott of nuurrvvvee said...

Babyy V,

my thoughts / interpretation of "ALL ALONG THE WATCHTOWER"

There must be some way out of here," said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief.
Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth,
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."

it starts off pretty dramatic.
probably Dylan is the joker.
they are confused about something that is causing stress.
about people selfishly using land, other ppl or generally manipulating to find the "gold" whose value no one knows

No reason to get excited," the thief, he kindly spoke,
"There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate,
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

the thief here is more like a philosopher or like a wise advise giving freak. he is telling the joker about how they have been through all this selfish / greed and how they intensionally / non intensionally might have been a part of it and have now left all that and that its not in their fate nemore to be a part of it.

Note:So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late."

the time factor comes into play.

"All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl,
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl."

now i think at this point they travel back in "time"..time of princes, etc,

the wild cat is probably the neanderthal age

and he is making comparison
all along the "watchtower".. all throughout time people have been searching for the "gold" whose future value no one really knows
and thats causing confusion to the joker.

i could have written it better but not with this killing vertigo and with gadolinium injected in my hand

Valero said...

"In Movies you know
when someone reads out a letter , a voice speaks..that happens to me when i read Menus."

-Steven Wright

Bikerdude said...


Another post, please!

PS: Word verification threw up

"MDH masaley kya flavour jagaye, M.D.H., MDH" Mjoking.

Anonymous said...

Puppy M

If you are thinking, what I am thinking. It is a. many most LOLS.


not really...hao?

naaaah. ya sorry.

backspace previous writing.
Baby V.

Heterophobic Assasinator said...

repulsive girl in my bed
gas price hike
maybe a future war on water and /or internet optic fiber cables
visa inadequacy
ear imbalance
cant differentiate between fair and very fair and dark
beat predicting disability

all ignored

but this!!!

this is fking messed up

i know u have contacts down in bollywood
please ask them fer answers to this

Anonymous said...

Dear Baby V & Puppy M,

This is to inform you that I am checking the blasted blog everyday for a new post wisdom from the collective experience of the babies' and puppies' world.

If you want in Meera teacher's colonial English- Kindly do the needful and oblige.

Not Baby V and Puppy M

Price illa, kyoon of dejerts said...

Leddis slash gentalmans, Snap out of it, a new post plij, chop chop.

PS: Aye thu vot yaaaaaaaaaaaaan, aye write yaaaaaaaan.

Anonymous said...

Boss discount was Sooper!