A Job Application

The following is a job application I sent to:
open position.

The craigslist ad for the same position.

Dear Madam,

This is regarding your post on craigslist for a "Programming Editor".
I would like to apply for this position, of "Programming Editor", as I
feel it fits my skill set and my experience.

I have had extensive professional experience in program editing and am
a critically acclaimed, versatile and popular tool for editing code
and scripts across various programming environments. Though I am a
trained, advanced word processor per se, over the years I have
developed a huge fan following, consisting of experienced professional
programmers hailing from the entire spectrum of the coding community,
viz. PERL, Java, C, C++, HTML (yes, I consider them programmers too)
etc. I am an equal opportunity editor and can be used for
exceptionally beautiful but now dormant technologies like Smalltalk
and Pascal. I have little experience for interpreter based languages
like LISP and BASIC, however I have hands on experience of line by
line copy paste.

I am Windows compatible and support UTF 8 and Unicode. I am motivated,
fast and sincere. My programmer-friendly look and feel coupled with
"compile on command line" attitude makes me a go-getter and a team
player. If given the opportunity I will certainly add value to your
company and prove once and for all how we editors are much faster and
efficient than those IDEs, "Integrated Development Environments" that
are in vogue.

Please find my resume attached here with.

regards,
Editplus . Exe (Mrs).
"This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
down"- Windows.

Dont Stop Me Now

Dear Puppy Manohar,

Dont stop me now. I am going to fly. Fly far far away! I think I have grown wings.

regards,
Baby V.
1 800 DONTSTOP
"Girls don't fly" -
Manu, inventor of the first airplane,
"Pushpuck", the female abduction vehicle

Love

Love is a double-edged sword. Why do I say so? Ask any dumb lad who has fallen in love and you shall know. Parikshit Sardesai once fell in love. He fell in love with this beautiful lass who lived down the river, east of his scary town of Annakovka.

Annakovka was a godforsaken place indeed. It was so scary, that even ghosts were scared of dropping by. From demons to spirits of crazy dictators, every frightening thing ever known to mankind had happened in Annakovka. And yet, people kept pouring in to it, like bees in a flask half-filled with poisoned honey. It was said that people came to Annakovka to die. They died alright, but in spite of its notoriety, people just kept coming.

Smitha went to Annakovka to meet Kinjal, this beautiful Naagvanshi girl. Naagvanshis were a handsome race. Legends spoke of the courage of their men and ballads sang of their beautiful women.
“A Naagvanshi man could kill an elephant with his toe.
A Naagvanshi woman could seduce a charging hippo
A Naagvanshi child could outplay any other outdoor
Naagvanshi! Naagvanshis? A fucking bunch of homos”
- Manu.
But to hell with Manu, that racist homophobic bastard!

Homophobia is prevalent in modern India, as much as its poverty. Both are recent byproducts of a two hundred year rule of the great Queen (and King) of England. The queen bestowed upon her mortal subjects, the inhabitants of all her colonial possessions, the boons of technology and civilization, until then known only to the Christian (Protestant) white man (and women also sometimes).

Technology has changed the course of human history more than any other factor. In fact every time some other such factor seems to appear, technology changes its course. Hence mankind, in fact, is oblivious to any other factor. Therefore, we would never know any other factor. For example, agriculture seemed to change the hunter-gatherers like the Naagvanshi.

Food production started appearing in the Fertile Crescent. This led to the depletion of the hunting-gathering lifestyle, which was already not so rewarding in those areas. Thus, crops flourished and human societies grew larger. States appeared and along with them appeared over-populated cities. With domesticated animals now required to assist the need of higher power-driven food production, the animals became a part of the human society. With those disgusting beasts came the diseases. Small pox, Influenza, Mad Cow Diseases, Racism, Syphilis amongst others entered the human arena of natural selection. Man developed terrifying disease resistance.

But wait, in other areas hunting gathering lifestyle still kicked ass. Naagvanshis, for instance, needed no punk-ass agriculture. Food production was for suckers, according to them.


Naagvanshi language: “Ti la vi sa min toh ka phi ba chi Shri Ka Go”

English: “Food producing societies explode with people. For more people, we need more food. The more food we adequately generate, the more is the capability to support a larger population. This autocatalysis takes man straight to “hell” (a concept Naagvanshis are not aware of, on account of being “primitive” hunter-gatherers). Get a man from those food producers and compare his constitution with a superior Naagvanshi. The calories consumed by the food producers are way lower than those from the strength-imparting high-protein diet of hunting-gathering. Our bulls, our bears, our goats, our hares! Praise be to Shri ka Go (Cattle of the Lord) Bulls, our great game. (ah dhang you)”

- Ancient Naagvanshi Saying.
Books of Naagvanshi One-liners.

Of course, the glory of the Naagvanshis was shortlived. The Aryans arrived with their great ‘ashvak’s (Sanskrit for Horse, relative of the Ass) and with their large numbers and huge cavalry and their technology, viz Iron and steel, conquered the Naagvanshis and subdued them to eternal slavery.

Annakovka witnesses this great war. It's said that the spirits of the great Naagvanshis haunt the village. But they didn’t kill Parikshit. Love did. Why? Because, as they say, Love is a double edged sword.

Regards,
Vivek Parthasarthy (Mrs.)
Commercial artiste and part-time anthropologist.
“Love is just a four-lettered word” – Bob Dylan/ Joan Baez (?)
“And so is fuck, pear, amit, keys, word, joan and others”

Bad Influence

Dear Baby Vaijayanti,

This :



is the kind of music that girls listen to. Please don't EVER become one of "those" girls.

With Love and Licks,

Puppy Manohar

"You say 'Yo!', I say 'Namaste!'; you say 'What's up?', I say 'Kya Karte?'" - Stylebhai

A Poet!

Dearest Shruti,

Since my two word message failed to impress you, I have written something more elaborate. So here goes:

An Ode to a Facebook Picture:

"Ravishing beauty!",
He exclaimed.
Gorgeous,
Just gorgeous!

He looked, again,
With wonder.
Online, she was
Lovely and enchanting.

Kettle-like whistle, escaped.
Her hands, intricately decorated.
Red and brown.
What perfection!

Breaking out of his trance,
For work had to be done. He
Grudgingly logged out,
Switched windows and frowned.

"Only if she
Were here", he thought.
Poems don't do her justice.
But this will have to do.


Thank you,

Yours sincerely,

P.J.X. Poem

The Maggi (tm) of Poetry.
Crafting 2 minute poems since 2006.

Yes

Dear Shalini

Once upon a time, long ago in England there was this little princess who stole pencils from teachers. She was burnt alive and lynched.

regards,
Joseph Alvares (Mrs.)
St Xaviers Boys School.
1 800 WITCHHUNT
Do you have it in you?