Saturday, May 05, 2007

Pup-lick Speaking



Ladies and Gentlemen,
Boys and Girls,

and my fellow canines,

There comes a time in a puppy's life where he (or she) has to stand up, grab the microphone and take center-stage.

My time is now.

Today, for my public speaking debut, I am going to talk about "change".

A wise person before me once said, and I paraphrase "d(change)/dt = 0". For all you calculus illiterates out there, this simply means that change is constant. I have since learned that there are other such constants, including but not limited to Death, Taxes and Australia winning the Cricket World Cup. We, however, are not concerned with these trivial things and we shall concentrate on Change.

In my limited years on this planet, I have seen the word "change" used in many forms. It has been used to refer to small coins that can choke a puppy such as myself, to denote the act of transformation, or as a verb, to transform something. I have also seen it appended to the name "Jackie" on the television and on large, glossy posters on the streets. As a result of this varied usage, you are now looking at a very confused puppy.

Speaking of puppy, who came up with that word? "Puppy"? Why do balding, German men refer to their complicated measuring devices as "puppies"? I fail to see the similarity between a Spectrum Analyzer and a canine. Spectrum Analyzers do not have ears. They do not have noses. They do not urinate on trees. Why, then, are they referred to as "puppies"? Some human behaviour I will never understand. Scratch that - most human behaviour I will never understand.

But back to the topic of this speak, i.e., "Change". Yes, now where was I before I digressed?

"Change" can be of two types - "Loose Change" and "Unwelcome Change" but these are fuzzy distinctions. Sometimes, loose change can be unwelcome change. To illustrate this point, imagine yourself (or your owner, if you are a canine) going to a grocery store. Now, a delicious snack is chosen and its price has been read from the compulsory "MSRP" label. Assuming this MSRP number is odd, usually a slightly larger amount is given to the store owner. Now, in the case of ( unwelcome change = loose change ) the owner will hand back several coins of small denominations, leaving the purchaser no choice but to make faces and put it in his or her pocket / wallet / handbag / purse or pouch. At this point, the coins will jingle every time a movement is made, much to the annoyance of the mover. This is a good example of the fuzziness of change. Many more examples can be found from the India Change Fellowship; we have 1000s of books and audio lectures on this subject.

With this, I end tonight's speech.

I look forward to interacting with you all during the after-speech cocktail party.

Thank you, and Happy No-Pants Day.
Of course, if you are a canine, every day is No Pants Day!

Have a good Evening!

(- Puppy Manohar)

"Tomorrow we can drive around this town and let the cops chase us around" - Gin Blossoms

8 comments:

Escape.... Great Escape said...

(d / dt).(change) = constant. I differ. Change in itself changes at different rates. So the second derivative is not longer zero.

So d/dt change) is not constant.

Hence proved.

Gokulkrishnan said...

Very nicely written. It's a got a touch of creativity blended with a sense of a different humor, which is very (and desperately) welcome in today's world filled with artifice. Your articles are generally cool.

Gokulkrishnan said...

although, d (constant change)/dt = 0
....u cannot write d (change)/dt= 0 BECAUSE change cannot be constant! unless it's a constant change. constant change = constant

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar said...

Dearest Commenter(s),

Thank you for your valuable feedback! It is always nice to hear from our readers and we appreciate you taking time out from other important day to day activities to read and post on our blog. We would like to point out to you, however, that you have drawn the wrong conclusion from the post viz. "Pup-lick Speaking". Allow me to explain the error of your ways.

First of all, on reading the blog, you will come to notice that it states that "d(change)/dt = 0". Therefore, commenter #1's assertions are refuted.

Now for commenter #2. Sir, you are obviously very intelligent. I commend your mathematical acumen and reasoning abilities. I must note, however, that your mathematical inferences are clouded by concepts taken from Western Culture. Please note that Puppy Manohar / Baby Vaijayanti stands for promoting Indian Culture and Values and we do this by subtly introducing such concepts in our blog. When you free your mind of these wretched Western Mathematical Concepts you will see the truth, as our great ancestors did when they invented the Airplane, Nuclear Bomb, Vernier Calipers, Electric Guitar and many others.

Thank you for reading,

Hope to hear from you soon in this regard,

Sri Harischandra,
Spiritual and Indian Culture Consultant,

Puppy Manohar / Baby Vaijayanti team

"You're all colour blind" - David Brent

Kappa said...

guys guys guys!!!!!!!!!

its

(d / dc ). time = zilch because time is constant with respect tochange


"So you think that you're not blind"
-Alice in Chains

Escape.... Great Escape said...

Dear kappa,

A wise bird once told me time is money. and so by your logic, money remains constant with respect to change.

That is also not true, because money and change have a linear relationship according to the puppy. So only the second derivative is zero.

Hence proved.

Kappa said...

Hear "Escape...Great Escape",

the next "time" , i am planning to steal "money", i shall ask you to be my getaway car driver.

"wait in line, till your time
clicking clocks, everyone stop!
cause everyone's saying different things to me" - Zero Seven

Kappa said...

puppy 'n' manohar,

please see,
i cant believe i am callin youll that
actually but...

sorry for the heist but
i just could not control myself
now when all hope is lost,
i lie here in search of absolution


"I am sorry
for something that i never did"
- Sunil Thakkar a.k.a Sickhead