Sunday, June 10, 2007

I am not Ginger

Dear Puppy,

There is a new spiritual experience in vogue these days. People wanting to talk to spices. In recent years, due to the advances in Natural Language Processing, Speech Recognition and of flirtatious callers, there has been a rise in usage of "Automated Customer Service Agents". Companies, Government offices, californian boyfriends and troubled husbands have started using "Automated Speech Response Agents". These techniques maintain the spirit of conversation without the speaker knowing that the listener is but a program.

These computer programs are humanoid conversation specialists that are well versed with various western accents of spoken English. However, in spite of the reduced costs, sheer joy of throwing verbal abuses and other such great advantages researchers have found out that there is a dangerous side to this practice. Talking to "automated speech machines" can increase the risk of a very rare disorder known to the scientific world by the name VRD. The symptoms of VRD, its effects on the human body and its remedy are unknown. VRD is extremely hard to diagnose and in some cases is known to pass by without any damage to the system. In most cases, however, VRD does not pass so easily. It stays. But what exactly it does, is unknown.

And that is the prestige.

what? who said that? who said "and that is the prestige". Never mind. Moving ahead.

VRD is not a new disorder. An epidemic of VRD broke out in the ancient world, where hundreds of thousands of scholars of the priestly class of Vedic people of ancient India chanted scriptures almost mechanically. In the town of Kapilavastu alone, thousands of Brahmins died of VRD. For thousands of years the "Hindu" scriptures have been kept alive by mechanically memorizing the verses. This led to the rise of VRD. Scholarship in the Vedas being patronized by the ruling class, women were more attracted to people who were better memorizers and automated reciters (and consequently VRD prone). Thus, these individuals were naturally selected. And even if Darwin was just another bearded Marxist, the genetic propagation of VRD can be explained by the Hindu tradition of parental disposition. (So up yours, Darwin and Mendel.)

The "scientists" (Phd. bearers), of the "Our Ancestors Were Awesome, Werent They? Institute" aka OAWAWT?I, Nagpur have suggested a traditional prevention plan for VRD as prescribed by Ayurveda. Regular conversation with spices is said to prevent VRD. The explanation offered by the Atharvaveda is the following:

"||Aham awesomam, twam rogi||
|| Tatsam ||"

which crudely translates to "I am awesome. You are diseased. So, thats what"

Dr. Carl Hiddengaonkar of USC, a leading Indologist has come up with a technique based on the Ayurvedic practice:

1) Take your phone number
2) Subtract it by 9
3) Call this number and ask "Can I speak to ________?"

The blank can be filled with the name of a spice. "Every person is born in a spice, just like in Astrology every person is born in a sign. This spice is his birth spice. You should consult your family astrologer or you can call me at 1 800 SPICY;) to get free consultation on this matter", says Dr Hiddengaonkar.

So the next time you receive a call for Garlic, Pepper or Jalapeno; acquire the spice and courteously hold the receiver over it. This will help us all get rid of VRD.

Baby Vaijayanthi.
"If you wanna be my lover, you have to be my friend"- Posh Spice


Escape.... Great Escape said...

I suppose if "posh' could be a spice, so can jalapeno.

Kappa said...

its like mapping the Czechrepublic flag with checkered flags

and Chile to chillies or spices