Thursday, July 12, 2007

Some more sample letters

Dear Umesh Rao (Jr.)

Please refrain from loudly singing "rain rain go away" during the monsoon season. I am a humble farmer and, as a humble farmer, it is my duty to inform you that rains are an integral part of our life. Without rain, there will be no crops, no farm, and hence, no humble farmer. You now see how your incantations are promoting farmer genocide.

Of course, it is not entirely your fault. Western culture and a colonial hangover are to blame. Still, I will appreciate it if you stop singing.

Thank you,
Yours sincerely,

Hugo Bhoominathan
Mexican-Indian-Indian Farms

"I swear, by the moon and the stars and these guys" - All 4 One

Dearest Disha Ma'am,

We have been neighbours for over 15 years now, and my family and I have always supported your literary efforts, but I must complain that it is getting out of hand. We are not as young as we used to be, and I have small children in the house, so I am requesting you to please confine your writing sessions from 10 am to 5 pm. The noise is really disturbing us.

Thank you for your understanding,

Mrs. Justbeer Corr
now listening - "Machine head" by Bush

Dear Akhilesh mami,

I forgot to drink the hot chocolate you made for me the other day. I took the cup and used it as stumps on the bowling end. You know how tough it is to buy real stumps and other cricket paraphernalia.

Since our bowling side did not take any wickets (not even run outs) and since after that innings we basically fought with the other team, the hot chocolate is intact.

Please do pick it up from the school ground. Give it to me tomorrow in school. I will sip hot chocolate in your English class.

Dr. Austin D'Costa (Mrs.)
"will you dance if i asked you to dance" - Enrique
Dearest Pappu Manning,

I do not appreciate your tone of voice (sic) in this letter. I am afraid this will have to be reported to the authorities for cyber-bullying. I am a firm non-believer in the Coyote Fear Club (CFC) and I think global warming is a myth too. So please take your propaganda somewhere else.



I'm not just Mani, I am Maniar! - Myself

Mrs. Manickjee Cooper,

I thank you on behalf of the Indian Joint Family Movement for signing up for the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treat.

The agenda of this party is to get as many individuals drunk, copulate and then reproduce in to a highly complex joint family with convoluted parental and spousal relationships.

Please bring your own intoxicants in the spirit of pot luck.

Comrade. Guntoor Mama.
"Imagine no possessions and no religion too"- John 'Lenin' (ah dhang you)

Hey Mona

Will you water my plants daily? My apartment is right below yours and I see that you drop a lot of your water while watering your plants. I have placed the 'kundis' (marathi for horticultural soil enclosures) so that the excess water falls right in to them. Still, if you can just make sure that they are watered regularly.

I personally hate plants, I don't care a lot about anything green. But since, hence.

Mrs. Madhav Ferguson.
"'Indo Scottish relationships rule" - Annie Beasant, an Irish lady.

Prof. N Machha,

Yesterday in your lecture, you spoke about armpit implants. Does it involve prosthetic arm pits?

I believe prosthetic armpits will be a better option as they would not sweat and forbear ominous odours.

Ayyo Coyote (Mrs.)
"Summa adhirudhu..illa?" - Sivaji

Hi Sunita,

I saw your profile online. You seem very interesting. Wanna make friends?

Prabhat (Mrs.)

Dear Prabhat (Mrs.),

Thank you for your offer, but at this moment my friends "cap" has been reached. You will have to apply again next year to be considered.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but hopefully you will regard the old saw "you snooze, you lose" the next time you apply.



Dear Mr Sunita,

There seems to be some mistake. My friendship with you is sponsored by "Chat With Chicks" a Non Profit Organization. Thus no cap applies to my application. I request you to consider it in light of the afore mentioned policy.

Prabhat (Mrs.)
"No ..its not Prabha T. Its Prabhat" - Prabhat


Hey Ashwanth,

I am Amit's ex room mate and as you can see from my bad ass facial hair, I am not gay neither a girl.

Amit's Ex Roommate
"Knock Knock! whos it? Ha..Who Ha? Whoaahaahahaha"- Ancient Indian Saying.

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