Sunday, December 26, 2010

Some popular myths about India

The following are some popular myths about India. Some of them have some basis in reality while the others are blatantly false.
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In India, tying shoe laces in public is considered partial nudity.

The ancient Indian tea ritual, practiced every 11th day of the lunar month entails the following: The female members of the family serve tea (without milk) to male members while they are seated. The women then are explicitly and ritually asked to "Fuck Off" in Sanskrit (Hindu households), in Persian (in Muslim households), in English (in Christian households, that's why it's more fun in Xtian households), in Punjabi (in Sikh households). Those are the only languages allowed. The women go out leaving men and male children alone. Then, once-born female servants bring hot milk and put it per the customized and memorized taste of each male member. Then they are ritually kicked on their behinds (though this is only considered symbolic). The male members dance around the tea singing "Hallelujah" and then they bathe themselves in mildly hot tea and say, "Hari Om". It is considered to be a bad omen if the tea is sipped, drunk or even accidentally tasted.

In India, elephants are considered good luck. Therefore, when an elephant appears on the street (yes those bastiges just appear out of nowhere. That's why they are magical) people immediately stop what they are doing and sing a hymn to the elephant in the local language of the area. This song was copied by Elvis Presley in the '50s and was a massive hit under the name "I can't help ..."


In India, the word the word for crow loosely translates to "dragon". That's why whenever you see dragonflies and crows at the same time, they say "See the dragons fly with the dragonflies" If you chant this in Sanskrit 500 times, it's considered to be a 'sure shot' - yes, 'sure shot' - entry to heaven.

In India, hairy ears are a sign of wisdom, which is why you will see kids and adults alike deferring to the suggestions from a man with hairy ears in case of a problem. Note that this is only applicable to men. Women with hairy ears are considered freaks of nature.

In India, in some northern parts - because women are usually taller than men - men wear high heels, women roam around barefoot. That's why when a girl is considered for a marital alliance, she is supposed to show her feet and only women with thick strong calluses are preferred. "A woman is known by her callus" is an old northern saying. Needless to say, MNCs have made note of this fact and callus-softening creams are marketed to men in those areas, contrary to what you'd expect otherwise.

In India, almost all teenage men are considered homosexual. Obviously, Modern Science (tm) tells us today that not all humans are homosexual. But if a man between the age of 12 - 20 does not hold hands with another man while walking on street, its considered rude.

In India, when one baby laughs, it is considered a good omen, but if two babies laugh simultaneously in the same room, then it is a sign of catastrophe. This is why more traditional Indians oppose the modern practice of putting all new born babies in the same room after delivery, "just in case" they all start laughing, for you never know what those little bastages can do.

In India, Dams are considered Temples of Modernity that's why "I'd be damned" or "Damn it" is considered a positive thing. Yes 'positive thing'.

In India, in 'uneducated rural parts', white people are considered to be Gods from Heaven because of their appearance and because white people are so beautiful. Yes, all of them. So if you are white and go to an Indian village, they might anoint you by bathing you with milk, give their babies in to your hands and ask you to touch their head or hold your feet and not leave. Don't be alarmed, its a good thing and a sign of endearment, respect and deification. This practice has injured a few people of European, East Asian origin. But that's because they panicked.

Always remember Indians are more scared of you than you are of them. Don't do anything that might irk them. They are, after all, wild.

On the contrary, if they think you are an Arab, Persian, Kurd or Turkish, they might pelt you with stones and lynch you. Since most Indians can not tell the difference between Europeans and Middle Easterners, it's safe to color your hair blond and wear blue lenses when you roam out in public in India. That is considered the primary reason why the Portuguese and Spanish could never establish permanent colonies in India - their melanochroi appearance.

Most Indians can not swim.

Ghee inhibits the natural water-resistant nature of human skin, so Indians will die if they are under water for long periods of time. This is why Indians generally bathe very fast.

It is believed in India that a child who is not taught arithmetic, invents his own number system.

In western India a barrel of water is considered as an emblem for male prostitution. A male prostitute who is his own agent is called a Barrel. That's when one says "from the barrel of a gun" to children in Western India they shy away or give mischievous smiles.

It can also be considered sexual solicitation. Don't ever use the phrase in front of children, women or men, lest they think you are a male prostitute (even if you a woman).

It is well known that Indians prefer lighter skin tones, but many do not know the origins of this preference. Indians know instinctively that white bodies are poor absorbers of radiant heat. This knowledge is in their blood. That's why they prefer people with lighter skin, because their core body temperature is more stable and can better withstand the harsh, tropical sun.

An old practice of Indians that is currently in danger of extinction is the practice of using their nose to chop vegetables and fruits. This is why the phrase "nose cut" is used by children to disparage those of an older generation.

In India, winking with the left eye is considered an acceptable friendly gesture while winking with the right eye is lascivious.

Indians, being generally argumentative, can easily be incited to fight amongst each other. Indeed, the easiest way to make two Indians come to blows is to tell one that the other refused to acknowledge mangoes as the king of all fruits.

A lot of conspiracy theorists believe the main reason for the wars between India and Pakistan are because of their difference over whether the Pomegranate or the Mango is the King of fruits. Indians take their fruits seriously.

Indians discovered Malaria.

Indians also discovered swimming pools, the ampersand (&), nitrogen, coconut leaves, sand, and the Perl scripting language

An Indian astronomer by the name Bhargav propounded the first theory of gravitation where he correctly identified an inherent force of attraction between the heavenly bodies. This theory was discarded after he falsely predicted that the moon would soon fall to the earth in 30 years after the his discovery of gravitation. It did not but Bhargav is credited to have been the first known psychologist based on his introverted treatise. He is also the earliest documented case of lunacy. In fact it was because of Bhargava and his deluded beliefs in the moon fall that mental illness has been historically linked to the moon. That is why in India rationalists are considered to be lunatics and people laugh at you if you reason things out.

In some temples in India, it is mandatory for men to be topless unless they are very hairy. In that case, they are allowed to cover their upper body.

Flu is not allowed in India. It's just not allowed, don't ask why. Indians don't get flu unless they are in a foreign country. If you are visiting India, prepare to be laughed at or mocked in public if you claim to have the flu.

That's why a common derogatory term for foreigners in India is "flu-shot". "Big-shots and their flu-shots" an expression to condemn nefarious connections between business elites and multinational corporations.

On the other hand, the common cold is revered in India. If you are suffering from the Common Cold, more specifically from a stuffed nose, be prepared to be treated with reverence.

Common Cold is considered to maintain immunity in children hence its also commonly known as "Come On! Cold".

In the southern states there are special athletic events purely for athletes suffering from Common cold. Athletes try hard to induce cold before the event lest they should be disqualified. It is considered a great honor to represent your city/town in the Come On! Cold Olympics.

Some communities in India have yet not discovered the causality between sexual intercourse and human procreation. In these communities, the members insist that the woman's ancestors' spirit take over the womb and a child is born. The man is believed to have no part in this process. The concept of Fatherhood as understood by "us" does not exist. Christian missionaries hence find it very hard to convert these people, because they do not understand what a male deity is doing creating the universe and why we are his children and why is he anything but just someone who hangs around their mother and, at times, plays cricket with them.

Also, sex is no big deal and free love is encouraged. Women marry partners when they get bored of sleeping around.

Indians often lapse into making unintelligible noises in the presence of foreigners. Don't be alarmed; they are only doing this to confuse you and amuse themselves. Even they cannot understand what they are saying to each other. As soon as the foreigners are absent, they start talking in one or more of the following : Queen's English, Classical Sanskrit, Persian (Dari) or Latin.

Indians actually have no language. India has never had language. Language was given to Indians by foreign invaders.

India is not very Spanish friendly. A simple example - In India talwaar is a type of sword and salwaar is an article of clothing. Stupid spanish people came to India with their stupid lisp and asked for one and got the other instead. Since the Indian sword is very power [sic] they died instantly.

In India the roman letter "w" is known as "Double v"

Every Indian is actually lefthanded , but society forces him to be right handed

Contrary to popular European propaganda India was discovered in 1954 by the Chinese traveler 'Far In' seeking asylum in exotic lands to escape from the atrocities of the Cultural Revolution. He thought he had reached Birmingham but had in fact reached Punjabibaag, Delhi. He called the natives of India, Indians after the British Asian community of England.

Indians, until recent times, did not consume food, preferring to absorb nutrients directly from soil (hence preponderance of 'barefootism') and through 'zoophotosynthesis.' In an attempt to integrate with the rest of the world, Indians invented Indian Food (tm) quite recently, which is why it is rated the Best Food in the World.

The British can't speak English. Indians speak better English than the English, the Americans and all the English speaking world.

Indians invented English in 1658. Later their creations attained self-awareness and proceeded to colonize India. This is the inspiration for the movie "Terminator".

Regards,

BV and PM

PS: Did you know that 30% of all Indians are born on July 5th?

6 comments:

Nitha GetHigh :-) said...

Some other popular ones:
(1) Indians travel by elephant to receive visitors at the airport.
(2) All Indians expect to gain citizenship the moment they arrive in foreign (western or white-peopled) lands.
(3) All Indian women (past puberty) are not aware of their sexuality.
(4) All unmarried Indian males are rapists.
(5) However long an Indian stays in a foreign (western or white-peopled) land, and even if they were born there, their accent will forever resemble Apu's...

Nitha GetHigh :-) said...

...And another that applies to all Indians irrespective of their creed (and says more about them than anything else):
The Holy Ganges is a very large open air sewer that runs through all of India, all the way from Tibet down to Sri Lanka.

narendra shenoy said...

So many little-known facts! This will go a long way towards educating little-known people. Admirable effort!

Enjoyed immensely

mission goa said...

wow! why haven't i been here before!

M Selva said...

Dear Mission Goa,

The answer is simple. You have not entered "puppymanohar.blogspot.com" in your web browser before this.

Thanks and regards,

Thiru M. Selvaraj
Publicity-In-Charge
Baby Vaijayanti / Puppy Manohar Inc.

Pickled Jujubees said...

Americans discovered India thanks to Christopher Columbus.