Sunday, December 26, 2010

Some popular myths about India

The following are some popular myths about India. Some of them have some basis in reality while the others are blatantly false.
In India, tying shoe laces in public is considered partial nudity.

The ancient Indian tea ritual, practiced every 11th day of the lunar month entails the following: The female members of the family serve tea (without milk) to male members while they are seated. The women then are explicitly and ritually asked to "Fuck Off" in Sanskrit (Hindu households), in Persian (in Muslim households), in English (in Christian households, that's why it's more fun in Xtian households), in Punjabi (in Sikh households). Those are the only languages allowed. The women go out leaving men and male children alone. Then, once-born female servants bring hot milk and put it per the customized and memorized taste of each male member. Then they are ritually kicked on their behinds (though this is only considered symbolic). The male members dance around the tea singing "Hallelujah" and then they bathe themselves in mildly hot tea and say, "Hari Om". It is considered to be a bad omen if the tea is sipped, drunk or even accidentally tasted.

In India, elephants are considered good luck. Therefore, when an elephant appears on the street (yes those bastiges just appear out of nowhere. That's why they are magical) people immediately stop what they are doing and sing a hymn to the elephant in the local language of the area. This song was copied by Elvis Presley in the '50s and was a massive hit under the name "I can't help ..."

In India, the word the word for crow loosely translates to "dragon". That's why whenever you see dragonflies and crows at the same time, they say "See the dragons fly with the dragonflies" If you chant this in Sanskrit 500 times, it's considered to be a 'sure shot' - yes, 'sure shot' - entry to heaven.

In India, hairy ears are a sign of wisdom, which is why you will see kids and adults alike deferring to the suggestions from a man with hairy ears in case of a problem. Note that this is only applicable to men. Women with hairy ears are considered freaks of nature.

In India, in some northern parts - because women are usually taller than men - men wear high heels, women roam around barefoot. That's why when a girl is considered for a marital alliance, she is supposed to show her feet and only women with thick strong calluses are preferred. "A woman is known by her callus" is an old northern saying. Needless to say, MNCs have made note of this fact and callus-softening creams are marketed to men in those areas, contrary to what you'd expect otherwise.

In India, almost all teenage men are considered homosexual. Obviously, Modern Science (tm) tells us today that not all humans are homosexual. But if a man between the age of 12 - 20 does not hold hands with another man while walking on street, its considered rude.

In India, when one baby laughs, it is considered a good omen, but if two babies laugh simultaneously in the same room, then it is a sign of catastrophe. This is why more traditional Indians oppose the modern practice of putting all new born babies in the same room after delivery, "just in case" they all start laughing, for you never know what those little bastages can do.

In India, Dams are considered Temples of Modernity that's why "I'd be damned" or "Damn it" is considered a positive thing. Yes 'positive thing'.

In India, in 'uneducated rural parts', white people are considered to be Gods from Heaven because of their appearance and because white people are so beautiful. Yes, all of them. So if you are white and go to an Indian village, they might anoint you by bathing you with milk, give their babies in to your hands and ask you to touch their head or hold your feet and not leave. Don't be alarmed, its a good thing and a sign of endearment, respect and deification. This practice has injured a few people of European, East Asian origin. But that's because they panicked.

Always remember Indians are more scared of you than you are of them. Don't do anything that might irk them. They are, after all, wild.

On the contrary, if they think you are an Arab, Persian, Kurd or Turkish, they might pelt you with stones and lynch you. Since most Indians can not tell the difference between Europeans and Middle Easterners, it's safe to color your hair blond and wear blue lenses when you roam out in public in India. That is considered the primary reason why the Portuguese and Spanish could never establish permanent colonies in India - their melanochroi appearance.

Most Indians can not swim.

Ghee inhibits the natural water-resistant nature of human skin, so Indians will die if they are under water for long periods of time. This is why Indians generally bathe very fast.

It is believed in India that a child who is not taught arithmetic, invents his own number system.

In western India a barrel of water is considered as an emblem for male prostitution. A male prostitute who is his own agent is called a Barrel. That's when one says "from the barrel of a gun" to children in Western India they shy away or give mischievous smiles.

It can also be considered sexual solicitation. Don't ever use the phrase in front of children, women or men, lest they think you are a male prostitute (even if you a woman).

It is well known that Indians prefer lighter skin tones, but many do not know the origins of this preference. Indians know instinctively that white bodies are poor absorbers of radiant heat. This knowledge is in their blood. That's why they prefer people with lighter skin, because their core body temperature is more stable and can better withstand the harsh, tropical sun.

An old practice of Indians that is currently in danger of extinction is the practice of using their nose to chop vegetables and fruits. This is why the phrase "nose cut" is used by children to disparage those of an older generation.

In India, winking with the left eye is considered an acceptable friendly gesture while winking with the right eye is lascivious.

Indians, being generally argumentative, can easily be incited to fight amongst each other. Indeed, the easiest way to make two Indians come to blows is to tell one that the other refused to acknowledge mangoes as the king of all fruits.

A lot of conspiracy theorists believe the main reason for the wars between India and Pakistan are because of their difference over whether the Pomegranate or the Mango is the King of fruits. Indians take their fruits seriously.

Indians discovered Malaria.

Indians also discovered swimming pools, the ampersand (&), nitrogen, coconut leaves, sand, and the Perl scripting language

An Indian astronomer by the name Bhargav propounded the first theory of gravitation where he correctly identified an inherent force of attraction between the heavenly bodies. This theory was discarded after he falsely predicted that the moon would soon fall to the earth in 30 years after the his discovery of gravitation. It did not but Bhargav is credited to have been the first known psychologist based on his introverted treatise. He is also the earliest documented case of lunacy. In fact it was because of Bhargava and his deluded beliefs in the moon fall that mental illness has been historically linked to the moon. That is why in India rationalists are considered to be lunatics and people laugh at you if you reason things out.

In some temples in India, it is mandatory for men to be topless unless they are very hairy. In that case, they are allowed to cover their upper body.

Flu is not allowed in India. It's just not allowed, don't ask why. Indians don't get flu unless they are in a foreign country. If you are visiting India, prepare to be laughed at or mocked in public if you claim to have the flu.

That's why a common derogatory term for foreigners in India is "flu-shot". "Big-shots and their flu-shots" an expression to condemn nefarious connections between business elites and multinational corporations.

On the other hand, the common cold is revered in India. If you are suffering from the Common Cold, more specifically from a stuffed nose, be prepared to be treated with reverence.

Common Cold is considered to maintain immunity in children hence its also commonly known as "Come On! Cold".

In the southern states there are special athletic events purely for athletes suffering from Common cold. Athletes try hard to induce cold before the event lest they should be disqualified. It is considered a great honor to represent your city/town in the Come On! Cold Olympics.

Some communities in India have yet not discovered the causality between sexual intercourse and human procreation. In these communities, the members insist that the woman's ancestors' spirit take over the womb and a child is born. The man is believed to have no part in this process. The concept of Fatherhood as understood by "us" does not exist. Christian missionaries hence find it very hard to convert these people, because they do not understand what a male deity is doing creating the universe and why we are his children and why is he anything but just someone who hangs around their mother and, at times, plays cricket with them.

Also, sex is no big deal and free love is encouraged. Women marry partners when they get bored of sleeping around.

Indians often lapse into making unintelligible noises in the presence of foreigners. Don't be alarmed; they are only doing this to confuse you and amuse themselves. Even they cannot understand what they are saying to each other. As soon as the foreigners are absent, they start talking in one or more of the following : Queen's English, Classical Sanskrit, Persian (Dari) or Latin.

Indians actually have no language. India has never had language. Language was given to Indians by foreign invaders.

India is not very Spanish friendly. A simple example - In India talwaar is a type of sword and salwaar is an article of clothing. Stupid spanish people came to India with their stupid lisp and asked for one and got the other instead. Since the Indian sword is very power [sic] they died instantly.

In India the roman letter "w" is known as "Double v"

Every Indian is actually lefthanded , but society forces him to be right handed

Contrary to popular European propaganda India was discovered in 1954 by the Chinese traveler 'Far In' seeking asylum in exotic lands to escape from the atrocities of the Cultural Revolution. He thought he had reached Birmingham but had in fact reached Punjabibaag, Delhi. He called the natives of India, Indians after the British Asian community of England.

Indians, until recent times, did not consume food, preferring to absorb nutrients directly from soil (hence preponderance of 'barefootism') and through 'zoophotosynthesis.' In an attempt to integrate with the rest of the world, Indians invented Indian Food (tm) quite recently, which is why it is rated the Best Food in the World.

The British can't speak English. Indians speak better English than the English, the Americans and all the English speaking world.

Indians invented English in 1658. Later their creations attained self-awareness and proceeded to colonize India. This is the inspiration for the movie "Terminator".


BV and PM

PS: Did you know that 30% of all Indians are born on July 5th?

Monday, December 20, 2010

I Gregor

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to Chacha Aurangzeb(TM), Shahenshah-e-Hind! (Al-Sultan al-Azam wal Khaqan al-Mukarram Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhy-ud-Din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I, Badshah Ghazi, Shahanshah-e-Sultanat-ul-Hindiya Wal Mughaliya)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed , in his bed, to his bed, proving that a parable where a bed is an anthropomorphic character essentially has to avoid references to the characters indulging in the human activity of sleep and - worse - sexual intercourse, for it will be weird and perhaps more Kafkaesque than Kafka.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a lazy bum who had woken up late and would have to call up work and call in "sick" like a lying fool (ah dhang you).

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a mechanical apparatus with the ability to change from a humanoid appearance to a big truck. Sadly (for him), Megan Fox was not in bed with him.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the poorly conceived teenage wizard character - Harry Potter, that it was 21st century Europe and his story - at best rubbish and at worst rabidly reactionary - constitutes 'literature' in this day and age. "Surely," he said to himself, "these are the last days of Western Civilization" and he went back to sleep.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he started up his laptop and navigated to, which is what you should do too to calm your central nervous system.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he thought it would serve as an excellent opening line for a story, and began to write it down.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a person who cared more about waking up than transforming, so he got out of bed and proceeded to brush his teeth.

When Gregor Samsa awoke it was night and he realized it was KP writing this missing the point entirely. But whats the point? I ask you, O reader.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a bedsheet. But aaah, what's this? Gregor Samsa wasn't in his bed last night, because he spent the night at an attractive lady's house. The writer seems to be very confused.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a CC TV Camera focused at the table in the corner of the room and said to himself, "Ah how the tables have turned"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a sheet of aluminium (aluminum for Americans) and he said to himself "Curses, foiled again!" (ah dhang you)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a vermin. Now he is a TED speaker who is scheduled to give a rubbish inspirational sounding - but really patronizing - speech about his metamorphosis and the video is shared on the internet under the title "Every Indian must watch"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Tom Friedman. "Ah what a vermin I have become" he exclaimed to himself as he jumped to his death from his Manhattan high-rise apartment. An unrelated observer recorded this on his cellphone camera and uploaded it to youtube with the title "Every Indian Must Watch This!!!!!111[sic]"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the Moon on a Stick, and Xida was finally happy, for thats what he wanted. He wanted the Moon on a Stick!

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to 'Cake Aur Samosa' and they all laughed because silly puns and mockery of other cultures and people is what constitutes humor in the subcontinent.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed to the frequency domain, and that's how he lived the rest of his live, as a little pulse at 456 Hz, with only his harmonics as company.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Chandler, characters of the mega popular American sitcom "Friends". The audience was shocked and discombobulated at the odd but contemplative and seemingly poignant turn the otherwise frivolous and tactless comic vehicle had taken. There was an uneasy silence in the audience. The 3-minute deadline for canned manic laughter from the audience had passed. It seemed like "Friends" was subverting established form.....and then Joey entered the room dressed as a 20th century middle class Jewish Czech German speaking girl and said "Wie geht es dir?", the subtitles went "How ya doin" and the audience was hysterical. It was the best FRIENDS episode ever.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself being inappropriately touched by an entomologist on National television.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself on Bugzilla with the label "REOPENED" stamped on his forehead in red.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself watched in suspended animation at a break point waiting for an F8.


BV and PM.

PS: This post was brought to you by Regular Expressions (TM) -- making it easier to extract posts from chat archives since the 20th century.

The above is a message from the RegEx Advocacy Group -- a non-profit organization

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, which is why normal people take off the crown before going to sleep.

A hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, which is why it is so fucked up. A hand is ruling the world, just a hand - no body, no brain. (ah dhang you)

If you see a severed hand, know your ruler.

Look before you leap. Preferably use the same principle for walking, running, sprinting or merely standing haplessly doing nothing. Always look. Better safe than sorry.

He who laughs least, laughs last or may be you need to change your style of comedy.

He who laughs least laughs last, He who laughs last laughs loudest, He who laughs loudest laughs best. Hence he who laughs least laughs best. I.e Please don't laugh.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Or may be the Angels are just afraid of being thought of as fools.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. It is interesting that they go to the same gym. May be fools are training for a marathon. That says a lot about marathon runners.

A bad workman blames his tools. A good workman blames his compensation package. The best workman blames the modern capitalist system. Viva la Revolucion

You can fool some people all the time and all people some of the time but you can't fool all people all the time. I don't know who said this first. Almost everyone agrees with it. What if it's not true?

Make hay while the sun shines, in your sky that is. The sun is actually always shining; it's a star.

A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in space saves face.
A stitch on an open wound can save your life.
You decide which is more important

A stitch in time saves nine. 0 marks. No units. Don't say it's understood. You still have to write the units.

All is fair in love and war. And Nazi Germany.

Never hit a man with glasses. Fists are usually more effective.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others. Who the fuck lives in glass houses?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately only plants live in glass houses and they don't throw stones at others.
And they haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet, those bastages.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others and more importantly should not throw stones at their own house or throw stones so high that they might fall or ricochet. They should gently roll the stones if they so desire a translation of stones. This has the added advantage of making sure the stone doesn't gather any moss.

Also, that does not mean people who do not live in glass houses can throw stones at other willy nilly. A stone when thrown back at you still can hurt you if not your house.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop. By that token, is an occupied mind the devil's vacation villa?

I'm sure the devil blames his tools for an unsubstantial magnitude of work at his workshop. That's not because he is a bad workman -- the human cranial cavity is just not the right space for a workshop

God helps them who help themselves. Does that mean God is helping himself?

All that glitters is not gold, but it is still worth something in the pawnshop.

All that glitters is not gold but all that glitters and has a density of 19.30 g/cm−3, melts at 1064.18 °C, is definitely Gold.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, unless you write the name on a stick or stone and then hit me with it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Unless the names are on the boxing bout chart and it includes your name.

Time and Tide waits for no man. It's too bad time does not wait for no man. Who the fuck cares about tide?

Time and tide waits for "NO!", man. That's all Time and Tide want to hear -- "NO!". They are like dogs that way

It takes two hands to clap but one is enough to punch.

It's wonderful to watch birds in flight but don't stare up for too long for one of them is bound to defecate in your eyes.

A pat on someone else's back is better than a foot up your ass but a foot up your ass is better than a yard up your ass, depending on the substance and at what stage of assimilation it is in your small intestine.

Power corrupts, but energy doesn't. Since energy is merely power over a large amount of time, it's ok to have power.

A stitch in time saves nine, but it would have saved much more if the English language had a number that rhymes with time that is larger than nine. If this proverb was constructed in an ancient language that had a word for time that rhymed with the word for infinity then a stitch in time would have saved more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, except if you are looking at it through rose-tinted glasses.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, because lunches are generally imprisoned by their containers.

A sword turned in to a plough can still inflict fatal wounds.

You can not write on a slate with a ball point pen.

God does not play carrom board with the universe, even though both have black holes.