KP

Dear Baby,

In my chemistry test yesterday I was posed the following question:

Write a detailed essay on Kp (15 marks)

I have sent you a copy of my answer; it got the full 15 marks.

Love,

Puppy Manohar
Chairman : Canine Chemistry Club

"Hey little thing, let me light your chemicals" - Black Crowes / Otis Redding

Write a detailed essay on Kp:

History and Background:

Kp, otherwise known as "El Kp Tan" (the Only Kp) was discovered in late 1982 in India, in an area now known as Bombay (town). The discovery of Kp was not a grand affair, and no one paid much heed to it, except the discoverers. Over the years, Kp has been observed in many places. These include, but are not limited to : the San Francisco Bay area, Greater Los Angeles County, Orange County, Bombay (town) and (very rarely) Bombay suburbs. It is said that environmental conditions to the north of Bombay (town) adversely affect Kp. This claim has, however, never been tested as Kp is more valuable than Gold or Platinum (Old Jungle Saying) and no one wants to risk tarnishing Kp.


Physical Properties:

Mass: 150 Kg

Density: 1182 Kg / cu. m (varies by allotrope)

Allotropes: There are 3 main allotropes :
Drunk Kp - 76.05 %
Stoned Kp - 23.94 %
Sober Kp - 0.01 %

Sober Kp is a very rare form of Kp and can only be synthesized under laboratory conditions from Drunk Kp or Stoned Kp. This process has only been recently discovered. Finding naturally
occurring Sober Kp is impossible and there are many cults devoted to this (vain) pursuit.

Stoned Kp and Drunk Kp are the naturally occurring allotropes of Kp, and they have some interesting properties:

- Stoned Kp glows in the dark.
- Drunk Kp fluctuates in density.
- Although Drunk Kp and Stoned Kp are both solids, they are capable of expelling volumes of hot gas from time to time in a process called "Enlightening".

It is possible to have a mixture of Drunk and Stoned Kp. Indeed, this is how Kp is most commonly found.

Chemical Properties:

Drunk Kp is a very volatile substance, and it reacts violently to many substances

- With Alcohols :
Kp readily "digests" alcohols, in a process called "Drunkification". Stoned Kp will exhibit more Drunk Kp behavior as drunkification increases. Note that almost all alcohols will be drunkified, with a few exceptions - one of them being JDNeOHL. Note that high volumes of Drunkification inhibit Kp's latent Good Joo behaviour.

- With Water:
This is an inverse operation to Drunkification, and is used in the Top Secret process to create Sober Kp from Drunk / Stoned Kp.

- With tetrahydrocannabinol:
Kp reacts with it to produce Carbon Monoxide and light. This reaction is responsible for the glow-in-the-dark property of Stoned Kp. When Kp has a high drunk and high stoned component, the glowing phenomenon observed is known as "Kpversence".

- Oxidation:
Kp oxidizes to give gold and -223 KJ of heat.

- Reduction:
Kp reduces in the presence of Vanadium Pentoxide to give Platinum.

- Acidification:
Kp reacts with organic acids in the presence of Sulphur as a catalyst to give a substance known as Kpus Vitriolus, accompanied by loud sounds.


Radioactivity:

Radioactive behaviour increases as Kp becomes more drunk or more stoned. There are two main isotopes of Kp, unimaginatively named Kp-Pl and Kp-Fktrd.

Kp-Fktrd is formed when there is an extremely high Drunk coefficient. At this point Kp is in its most dangerous state and needs to be kept out of reach of humans. Permanent tissue and liver damage can occur if the proper precautions are not taken. Exposure to large amounts of Kp-Fktrd has been known to incite rage in laboratory rats and other fauna.

In contrast, Kp-Pl is a benign isotope and is used to enable dating (ah dhang you). A measure of the Kp-Pl to normal Kp molecules is Kavorka. When there is a higher ratio of Kp-Pl to Kp, Kavorka is high and dating becomes easier. This mechanism of Kavorka -> dating is known as "Luring into KPtivity" and is commonly observed.


Handling and Other Notes:

Drunk Kp is a dangerous substance and should be kept away from young children and morons. Owing to the fact that Stoned Kp can easily be transformed into Drunk Kp, it is advisable to keep young children and morons away from this as well. This property has led Kp to be banned in many South Asian countries. The possession / sale / trafficking of Kp is a serious offence and can lead to punishments ranging in severity from Public Flogging to Execution. Kp has, however, been decriminalized in some states of the US and the EU for recreational use with the caveat that it is illegal to possess more than kp units of Kp. Kp is on the banned list of substances in the EU's RoHS (Restriction on Hazardous Substances) directive. Kp is freely available in India, and law enforcement is very lenient towards it.

In recent times, Kp has become a mandatory presence at any party or other such social gathering. Many times, parties have been declared to be "duds" or "miserable flops" when required amounts of Kp are not present. Since Sober Kp is impossible to attain, the social standing of the host of a party increases exponentially as an inverse function of the Drunk / Stoned quotient. This is mainly because, as the ratio of Kp-Pl increases (as Drunk coefficient increases), the KPtivity effect comes into play and the higher Kavorka keeps party-goers entertained.

Thus we see that Kp is an important substance in our lives. It must, however, be treated well to ensure that accidents do not happen.



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