Thursday, August 30, 2007

KP


Dear Baby,

In my chemistry test yesterday I was posed the following question:

Write a detailed essay on Kp (15 marks)

I have sent you a copy of my answer; it got the full 15 marks.

Love,

Puppy Manohar
Chairman : Canine Chemistry Club

"Hey little thing, let me light your chemicals" - Black Crowes / Otis Redding

Write a detailed essay on Kp:

History and Background:


Kp, otherwise known as "El Kp Tan" (the Only Kp) was discovered in late 1982 in India, in an area now known as Bombay (town). The discovery of Kp was not a grand affair, and no one paid much heed to it, except the discoverers. Over the years, Kp has been observed in many places. These include, but are not limited to : the San Francisco Bay area, Greater Los Angeles County, Orange County, Bombay (town) and (very rarely) Bombay suburbs. It is said that environmental conditions to the north of Bombay (town) adversely affect Kp. This claim has, however, never been tested as Kp is more valuable than Gold or Platinum (Old Jungle Saying) and no one wants to risk tarnishing Kp.


Physical Properties:

Mass: 150 Kg

Density: 1182 Kg / cu. m (varies by allotrope)

Allotropes: There are 3 main allotropes :
Drunk Kp - 76.05 %
Stoned Kp - 23.94 %
Sober Kp - 0.01 %

Sober Kp is a very rare form of Kp and can only be synthesized under laboratory conditions from Drunk Kp or Stoned Kp. This process has only been recently discovered. Finding naturally
occurring Sober Kp is impossible and there are many cults devoted to this (vain) pursuit.

Stoned Kp and Drunk Kp are the naturally occurring allotropes of Kp, and they have some interesting properties:

- Stoned Kp glows in the dark.
- Drunk Kp fluctuates in density.
- Although Drunk Kp and Stoned Kp are both solids, they are capable of expelling volumes of hot gas from time to time in a process called "Enlightening".

It is possible to have a mixture of Drunk and Stoned Kp. Indeed, this is how Kp is most commonly found.

Chemical Properties:

Drunk Kp is a very volatile substance, and it reacts violently to many substances

- With Alcohols :
Kp readily "digests" alcohols, in a process called "Drunkification". Stoned Kp will exhibit more Drunk Kp behavior as drunkification increases. Note that almost all alcohols will be drunkified, with a few exceptions - one of them being JDNeOHL. Note that high volumes of Drunkification inhibit Kp's latent Good Joo behaviour.

- With Water:
This is an inverse operation to Drunkification, and is used in the Top Secret process to create Sober Kp from Drunk / Stoned Kp.

- With tetrahydrocannabinol:
Kp reacts with it to produce Carbon Monoxide and light. This reaction is responsible for the glow-in-the-dark property of Stoned Kp. When Kp has a high drunk and high stoned component, the glowing phenomenon observed is known as "Kpversence".

- Oxidation:
Kp oxidizes to give gold and -223 KJ of heat.

- Reduction:
Kp reduces in the presence of Vanadium Pentoxide to give Platinum.

- Acidification:
Kp reacts with organic acids in the presence of Sulphur as a catalyst to give a substance known as Kpus Vitriolus, accompanied by loud sounds.


Radioactivity:

Radioactive behaviour increases as Kp becomes more drunk or more stoned. There are two main isotopes of Kp, unimaginatively named Kp-Pl and Kp-Fktrd.

Kp-Fktrd is formed when there is an extremely high Drunk coefficient. At this point Kp is in its most dangerous state and needs to be kept out of reach of humans. Permanent tissue and liver damage can occur if the proper precautions are not taken. Exposure to large amounts of Kp-Fktrd has been known to incite rage in laboratory rats and other fauna.

In contrast, Kp-Pl is a benign isotope and is used to enable dating (ah dhang you). A measure of the Kp-Pl to normal Kp molecules is Kavorka. When there is a higher ratio of Kp-Pl to Kp, Kavorka is high and dating becomes easier. This mechanism of Kavorka -> dating is known as "Luring into KPtivity" and is commonly observed.


Handling and Other Notes:

Drunk Kp is a dangerous substance and should be kept away from young children and morons. Owing to the fact that Stoned Kp can easily be transformed into Drunk Kp, it is advisable to keep young children and morons away from this as well. This property has led Kp to be banned in many South Asian countries. The possession / sale / trafficking of Kp is a serious offence and can lead to punishments ranging in severity from Public Flogging to Execution. Kp has, however, been decriminalized in some states of the US and the EU for recreational use with the caveat that it is illegal to possess more than kp units of Kp. Kp is on the banned list of substances in the EU's RoHS (Restriction on Hazardous Substances) directive. Kp is freely available in India, and law enforcement is very lenient towards it.

In recent times, Kp has become a mandatory presence at any party or other such social gathering. Many times, parties have been declared to be "duds" or "miserable flops" when required amounts of Kp are not present. Since Sober Kp is impossible to attain, the social standing of the host of a party increases exponentially as an inverse function of the Drunk / Stoned quotient. This is mainly because, as the ratio of Kp-Pl increases (as Drunk coefficient increases), the KPtivity effect comes into play and the higher Kavorka keeps party-goers entertained.

Thus we see that Kp is an important substance in our lives. It must, however, be treated well to ensure that accidents do not happen.



-

15 comments:

adelkar said...

hhahaha!! this humor rocks!!

theres a rumor that baby vajayanthi went on a mystic vacation and left puppy manohar alone in the home for canines ...since it said "pets and potential immigrants not allowed" . can you confirm it in ur blog? :D

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar said...

Dear "Adelkar"

I regret to inform you that this rumor contains not a scrap of truth. Baby Vaijayanti still lives at home with her mommy and daddy (who love her very much) and Puppy Manohar is still their Favourite Canine.

Please cease and desist from posting such malicious and unfounded rumours in the future; it is, after all, a social evil.

Go in peace,

K. G. Muthusamy
Public Relations / Rumor Squashing Dept.
Puppy Manohar / Baby Vaijayanti Enterprises

"The time is right, but is it the rite time?" - Anon

Kappa said...

whether u feel mystified and the fact or rumor that you left puppy along with his other breed, is not much of a social or a "loyal" issue as long as you did not leave him in Nagaland, where they do not live a "Dog eat Dog" world but a "Man eat dog puke" world. Its like "cooking in one's own juices" or simpler "Eating its own dog food". Now some people would rather wish he or she were a lesbian nazi hooker periodically being abducted by illegal aliens from an outer solar system. Though not me.I am happy here being fished by a group of spider monkeys who have suddenly found a new found taste for young electric sharks like me. Its awesome because they just cant catch me and also they are petrified to fall in the water.
Well the lights on my dorsal fins seem to be running out and you know my knack of losing chargers. Basically i need to power up so catch you later on the Discovery Channel.

"He let the dags out" --- A parody by director of Snatch, Guy ritchie

Painkiller Underscore Overdose said...

wow...how dya guys do it?!

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar said...

Very good point "painkiller O.D".... we officially support the squat toilets
read more here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squat_toilet

The flush toilets aka all franca is for suckers. ah dhang you.

Baby V.

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar said...

AAAAH!!!! WHATTTTT!!!!

Indus Valley Civilzation!!!!
Our ancestors!!!! (well almost)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flush_toilet#Invention_timeline

SEE...what these toilets brought to them! PERDITION awaits the mortal who sits comfortably and relieves himself. Defecation is an act of sin. It should be performed with YouMeLatah.

Baby V

Kappa said...

Poll of the Day:

Do you squat or do you sit?

Click all that may be applicable

A.. Yes
B.. No
C.. Maybe, maybe not, maybe go #$%^ yourself
D.. Shit scared to disclose
E.. I sit but i make others squat
F.. Shit off!! I am too cool for this poll

"Daddy, when i grow up, i wanna be the world's best faecial hair wigmaker"

Kappa said...

Squit Squatta Maka

Flush! Flush!

Squit Squatta Makaa

Flush! Flush!

Are u boys and girls ready for the next poll.
I'll say you are!

Again click all that maybe applicable

Are we becoming deaf to music piracy

A.. HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B.. I am sorry but i cant hear!
C.. Only the music that i listen to
D.. No, I am from Metallica
E.. I download from the net but then i reverse it by uploading to my external hard drive
F.. I am a pirate but i only steal guns, gold and horses.

Email the answers at iamstaring@yourpole.com

Thank You,
PHTK

Krish Ashok said...

Dearest Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar,
This blog is the making me the so much rolling and the laughing on the marbonite tiled floor and all that sort of the thing, I have the blogrolled you.

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar said...

Kappa

Those polls were lolable. a bit too lolable. But unfortunately I have lost faith in you...hence I dont know if they are original.

Please convey.

regards
Aryan Muralikrishnan
Puritanical Tam Brams Inc
"global leader in human rites."

Kappa said...

what the *#%^ do u mean that are not orignal

do u sit or squat?

music piracy? if a 10000 ppl din ask such a qn already, wt is the world comin to?

besides my next one was to be on global warming?

and i still need an answer for your accusations
actually you know wt
frget it!

Kappa said...

Kappa

"defender of faith"

Swaminathans said...

It wasn't a rumor, it was true.

Finally the truth comes: Baby Vaijayanti has actually developed an estranged syndrome which prompts her go to a place called "vacation" during Christmas time . She forces her parents to go with her.

And she has left Puppy Manohar in Walmart. It is here where Puppy Manohar starts absorbing insanely high level of intelligence; for example Puppy Manohar does realize the value of tissue papers, to both pets as well as humans. Puppy Manohar also develops a high liking for fish by watching the fish in those small Walmart fish tanks & bowls.

Puppy Manohar wants a pet fish now. He has decided to pet a Blue Goldfish, which has incidentally suffered from an adverse reaction of hyper & hypo pigmentation (w/ opposing effects) resulting in Blue color instead of Gold.

Puppy Manohar also thought of a name for that Blue Goldfish: "Chinu-fish".

Does anyone like "chinu-fish" or do you want it to be killed on behalf of your disdain for innocent fish??

--Becky Mascroft (aka Gokulkrishnan Swaminathan)

Anonymous said...

Krishnan,

Why are you using my name when you post on a message-type board? It says Becky Mascroft (aka YOU). I am not you. Please do not pretend to be me when you are clearly not.

Thank you,

The REAL Becky Mascroft

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