Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Ode to the Indo-Australian Controversy




Dear Puppy,

The following is the speech that Mr. Iyengar gave as Chief Guest and Judge at "Australians: Boon (ah dhang you) or Bane" debate at Baby Vaijayanti's school.

There are a few things that I need to say in light of the current controversy surrounding the Indian tour of Australia. Considering the various events that have unfolded in the past few days, I have a few recommendations to the youth of today.

With Bhagwad Gita as my guide (looking uncomfortably at the catholic priest beside him), I shall infer from the fountainhead of divine knowledge and demonstrate how these ancient and eternal concepts can be employed in the contemporary world to achieve many a benefit.

a) Enterprise:

In today's economically liberalized society, no one doubts the significance of entrepreneurship. Proactivity equals survival. A proactive gentleman should always be on the look out for business opportunities. He must always have an attentive sense to every expression that translates to cash. Social hurdles like morality, popular resistance, farsighted critics, non-objectivists, slum-dwellers, tribals and repressed people a.k.a commie bastiges, stray dogs, parents and the opposite sex will impede his every enterprising step towards success. He should singlemindedly, perseveringly and, if the need arises, brutally, fight against these evils.

The Bhagwad Gita prescribes that the "Karma Yogi" (applause) should be a part of the world and yet disinterested, ambivalent and separate from its social problems. This might sound paradoxical but it is realizable. Whenever a social problem arises the "Karma Yogi" (applause), to whom I will hence forth refer to as KY (note: KY <> KP) and, for simplicity, assign the male gender, should make himself "aliptha" from his environment and keep doing his duty, which in our case is selfishness (refer: Howard Roark's speech, The Fountain Head - Ayn Rand).

In this particular scenario, I suggest we start a new company: "Burning Figures of Execrating Gents, International" aka "Burning FEG International". In South Asia and the Middle East the most popular form of protest is burning effigies. However, such genuine sentiments of the general public receive a setback when they can't find good effigies of people. For example, recently the loose mlechha, Richard Gere, publicly defamed one of our finest beauties. People needed his effigy to burn. Innovative gentlemen from well funded right wing parties managed to acquire one. However, most people, who clearly care about this issue, could not come out on the streets and protest on account of the dearth of Richard Gere effigies.

In today's world of advanced graphics and multimedia, it's a shame if ordinary people can not obtain Ricky Ponting effigies. Hence, I propose we start mass producing effigies of celebrities. The business model will be a JIT manufacture and distribution. Effigies of international political figures and controversial people will be mass produced and an inventory will be maintained, however, everything else will be just in time, just like homework and exam preparations (applause).

Investment? It is clear that celebrities like Ricky Ponting will be interested in investing in this firm. Ricky Ponting, Steve Bucknor are all well aware that such actions in future will invoke even more public anger. They will only benefit from investing in our company.

b) Military Action:

As Arjun lies in despair pondering with doubt at the sombre scene of battle at Kurukshetra, Krishna instructs him to go to war and kill the enemies of Dharma, even though they are his family. I urge the great Indian Nation State to invade Australia. It's high time, I say. We should just go in there and bomb them to the Stone Age whence they came. It's clear that we need a little more living space, 'Lebensraum' , for Indian people. A relatively rarefied Australian land will be the perfect subject. If we learnt anything from the great days of being the jewel in the crown of the British empire, it is that we have to utilize opportunities like this to perpetrate aggression against people. The barbaric lands of Australia lie, cheat and blaspheme. It is high time we roll the Dharma Chakra and reveal the truth there.

c) Linear Execution:

To solve the problem of bad umpiring and unjust adjudication, I propose that all Umpires and Match Referees should be made to stand in a line and shot.

(Applause).

Regards,
Baby V

"Ricky don't lose that number. You don't wanna call nobody else." - Steely Dan

13 comments:

Smack Talk Sally said...

Well you'll can go ahead and start manufacturing or should i say sculpting ( that is if you are an artist and it hurts every fat in your body when some shithead criticizes your art. Go weep in the corner where people are spitting, asshole) effigies for these dickworms.

I, Smack Talk Sally is starting a firm to ban this piece of shit game called cricket completely. BCC Inc. which is headquartered in Sydney, Australia with 11 branches worldwide including notable cricket playing nations such as SA, NZ, India, WI, SL, England and Zimbabwe.

Pakistan? Hey, who said that?
Y'all know i don't care about days the moon looks like its not being fed.
( No offense..shall remove this para if a good enough reason is given)

We provide intellectual and optimized solutions to ban this sport. We offer many different plans, some of which include:

Ban by Gear.............15,00 Euro
Ban by sponsorship......25,00 Euro
Ban by Game.............3,000 Euro
Ban by Nation...........8,000 Euro
Ban by resource........30,000 Euro

These rates are per month and per resource if you choose to consider Plan E. Also insurance charges will exceed manifold if you choose to use that plan. You can talk to our consultant, Hitman Harry for further information.

1-800-Xecute

Also our initial strategy is very unique. All our branches, today stand in those very stadiums where the matches are carried out.

This decisions were mainly taken on account of Racial charges.

Usually these dont affect me. But lately I am seeing that it exists everywhere. Even in the firm that you are working, to the school you are attending, some level of it always shows up.

Here at BCC ( Banning Cricket Completely), we are not only banning cricket, but all the unwanted precipitate this sport has left behind such as sledging, match fixing, poor sportsmanship, Coach murdering (http://hazelnutblue.blogspot.com/2007/03/song-for-bob-woolmer-aka-murder-of-bob.html)

and the worst of all.. Racial Abuse.

"Color me any color.
Speak to me in tongues and share.
Tell me how you'd love to hate me."
--- Collective Soul

Smack Talk Sally said...

Although I must say,

Sledging is cool

especially when it gets backfired.
And as a known fact, the Australians or should i say Racial Discriminators ,have had a history of bad sledging.

This has been proved by Glenn Mcfart when he tried to sledge a Jamaican Rasta Boy and worst of all a fellow Fosterite.

Anonymous said...

Let me remind everyone a quote by the above commentator:

He: "D00d, but these days, racism does'nt exist."

I: "Seriously? racism doesnt exist?"

He: "Ya, I mean d00d, these days only real ch00ts and total idiots are racists"

I : "..."

He: "Ya d00d, thats what."

Puppy Manohar said...

Just for clarification :

Anonymous: Baby Vaijayanti
"Smack Talk Sally" : el KPtan aka KP

Thank you.

Hard Talk Harris said...

i am sorry, but i needed to test this
before i e-hit on this girl, whose blog, btw falls in the same genre as ye guys

P.see.. I am not "genre"lising anything here.

Baby V said...

KP.

I am a 3 year old girl and Puppy M is a 2 year old puppy. Is it appropriate of you to ask such things to us?

Baby V.
P.S: You are primordial gonad, KP. Seriously.

Puppy Manohar said...

Language, language!

Baby V: Children from "good" families do not talk like that!

KP: GFY

Thanks,

Puppy M

PS: Alas, KP is leaving forever. Sadness comes.

Anonymous said...

Dear History Teacher,

Here is a poem I wrote for your assignment "My favourite emperor"

some might like akbar
some might like shah jehan
some might like babar
others fancy jehanara

but i dont like them all
hence to differ i beg
i like Aurangzeb
I have a crush on Aurangzeb.

Look at his beard
look at his eyes
look at his unibrow
look he looks so nice

i dont go for peace n shit
hence to differ i beg
i like Aurangzeb
I have a crush on Aurangzeb.

some say he was a f!@#! idiot
some say he was right
some say he ate babies
some say he just liked a good fight.

he hated his siblings like i do
darah shikoh was a cross dresser they say
he was a vegeterian just like
and even i locked up dad in the toilet the other day


Go Mogul Pride! Go Indian State!
hence to differ i beg
i like Aurangzeb
I have a crush on Aurangzeb.

regards,
Dr. (Mrs) Vineeto M Ushalini
"Alam pana" - Salim

Stone Guard said...

Dear Sirs:

Kudos on your extremely well written treatise on race relations. As a proud Sikh and fellow pwner (or is it fellow Sikh and proud pwner), I feel I can offer some insight into HS's alleged faux pas. Firstly, let me point out that the Khalsa people are natural born pwners. Let me share a quote of Guru Gobind Singh:

"I’ ll call myself Gobind Singh only if I can make the meek sparrows pounce upon the hawks and tear them; only if one combatant of my force faces a legion of the enemy."

Such aggression is unprecedented in our glorious Indian history, and as such has created constant friction for my people to live side by side with the common desi (re: jallianwala bagh, operation blue star, etc). However, in this case HS is completely blameless for his actions vis-a-vis that monkey. If showing scholarship of the sacred Hindu texts, or heaping well-deserved praise on an adversary is an offense, then yes he is guilty. After besting Symonds, HS chose to compare the batsman's agility and fluidity of motion to Hanuman, the great monkey God. It is the sheer insensitivity of the White Man that stirred up this controversy and besmirched the name of a perfectly innocent pwner.

This travesty will not go unpunished. In our tradional seats of power (Jalandhar and Birmingham), plans are being developed to strike back at the Australians. Incarceration was the first suggestion, but it was quickly struck down. As descendants of criminals, premilinary testing showed that they enjoyed being tied up. Nevertheless, our best minds are on the job. Rest assured, justice will be served.

Sincerely,

Karnail Singh Ahluwalia

Cobra Commander said...

Dear Sirs:

I find that the articles on your webpage are 'uppers', while the drivel posted on these comment pages are 'downers'. Curious confusion results, please advise.


Yours faithfully,

Cobra Commander

Curious House Wife said...

Dear Indian People,

The comment by the Indian people are not only racist but also speciesist. (Puppy Manohar will be happy. Sorry Puppy, no emancipation)

1) Calling Mr. Symmonds, a monkey is not as racist as not calling Mathew Hayden and Ricky Ponting. Thats being too linient on white people.

2) Its being extremely insensitive towards monkeys. Huge beastial primates without tails are typically apes not monkeys. Thus wild looking large neandethrals like Mathew Hayden
Symmonds, and for that matter the great West Indian Viv Richards, Shoaid Akhtar, Shahid Afridi and .....yes.... the 80s sensation, FABIO are all apes not monkeys. Because they clearly look like Gorillas or australopithecus.

Ricky Ponting, Ajit Agarkar and such other relatively smaller players look like monkeys. In fact if you see the retarded sly smile that Ricky Ponting often gives, has a terrible resemblance to a monkeys visage.

Yours Sincerely,
a worried mother.

??! said...

too frikkin' funny. The making up your own comments is sheer genius. Also, how bored are you really?

Puppy Manohar said...

Dear Ms. ??!,

We are not THAT bored. Really.

Regards,

Manohar, Puppy

"Sarcasm boy, some of us are not amused" - Mattias "IA"