Ode to the Indo-Australian Controversy

Dear Puppy,

The following is the speech that Mr. Iyengar gave as Chief Guest and Judge at "Australians: Boon (ah dhang you) or Bane" debate at Baby Vaijayanti's school.

There are a few things that I need to say in light of the current controversy surrounding the Indian tour of Australia. Considering the various events that have unfolded in the past few days, I have a few recommendations to the youth of today.

With Bhagwad Gita as my guide (looking uncomfortably at the catholic priest beside him), I shall infer from the fountainhead of divine knowledge and demonstrate how these ancient and eternal concepts can be employed in the contemporary world to achieve many a benefit.

a) Enterprise:

In today's economically liberalized society, no one doubts the significance of entrepreneurship. Proactivity equals survival. A proactive gentleman should always be on the look out for business opportunities. He must always have an attentive sense to every expression that translates to cash. Social hurdles like morality, popular resistance, farsighted critics, non-objectivists, slum-dwellers, tribals and repressed people a.k.a commie bastiges, stray dogs, parents and the opposite sex will impede his every enterprising step towards success. He should singlemindedly, perseveringly and, if the need arises, brutally, fight against these evils.

The Bhagwad Gita prescribes that the "Karma Yogi" (applause) should be a part of the world and yet disinterested, ambivalent and separate from its social problems. This might sound paradoxical but it is realizable. Whenever a social problem arises the "Karma Yogi" (applause), to whom I will hence forth refer to as KY (note: KY <> KP) and, for simplicity, assign the male gender, should make himself "aliptha" from his environment and keep doing his duty, which in our case is selfishness (refer: Howard Roark's speech, The Fountain Head - Ayn Rand).

In this particular scenario, I suggest we start a new company: "Burning Figures of Execrating Gents, International" aka "Burning FEG International". In South Asia and the Middle East the most popular form of protest is burning effigies. However, such genuine sentiments of the general public receive a setback when they can't find good effigies of people. For example, recently the loose mlechha, Richard Gere, publicly defamed one of our finest beauties. People needed his effigy to burn. Innovative gentlemen from well funded right wing parties managed to acquire one. However, most people, who clearly care about this issue, could not come out on the streets and protest on account of the dearth of Richard Gere effigies.

In today's world of advanced graphics and multimedia, it's a shame if ordinary people can not obtain Ricky Ponting effigies. Hence, I propose we start mass producing effigies of celebrities. The business model will be a JIT manufacture and distribution. Effigies of international political figures and controversial people will be mass produced and an inventory will be maintained, however, everything else will be just in time, just like homework and exam preparations (applause).

Investment? It is clear that celebrities like Ricky Ponting will be interested in investing in this firm. Ricky Ponting, Steve Bucknor are all well aware that such actions in future will invoke even more public anger. They will only benefit from investing in our company.

b) Military Action:

As Arjun lies in despair pondering with doubt at the sombre scene of battle at Kurukshetra, Krishna instructs him to go to war and kill the enemies of Dharma, even though they are his family. I urge the great Indian Nation State to invade Australia. It's high time, I say. We should just go in there and bomb them to the Stone Age whence they came. It's clear that we need a little more living space, 'Lebensraum' , for Indian people. A relatively rarefied Australian land will be the perfect subject. If we learnt anything from the great days of being the jewel in the crown of the British empire, it is that we have to utilize opportunities like this to perpetrate aggression against people. The barbaric lands of Australia lie, cheat and blaspheme. It is high time we roll the Dharma Chakra and reveal the truth there.

c) Linear Execution:

To solve the problem of bad umpiring and unjust adjudication, I propose that all Umpires and Match Referees should be made to stand in a line and shot.

(Applause).

Regards,
Baby V

"Ricky don't lose that number. You don't wanna call nobody else." - Steely Dan