Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Chutiya Kingdom

Dear Puppy M

What is striking about this bit of history is:

"The hostilities with the Ahoms began in 1376 when the Ahom king, Sutuphaa, was killed by the Chutiya king during a friendly encounter."

Friendly encounter, eh? who is the Chutiya now?

Baby Vaijayanthi
P.S: Please see the comment section.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My name is Khan

My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Although, I AM a fucking idiot.

Sur mila nahi kisiko

Disclaimer: The post has offensive language and is in general unfair to poor undeserving celebrities. The author is a mad angry person and people who think its too unfair on the poor celebrities can go farg themselves. The author is nothing if not morally inconsistent to the point of borderline mental illness.

Acknowledgement: AIOTM (aiotm!)

Listening to Phir Mile Sur Mera Tumhara, and here are some thoughts:

Trying to rejuvenate the memories by digging up graves and then pissing on them. Missing the point entirely, screaming and wriggling around madly like mutant monkeys.

Any way, I propose a new music video with representatives of LeT, CPI ML, PWG, Al Qaeda, Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal and such other extremist militants putting on their best traditional clothes and singing, "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara" interspersed with explosions and rifle fire. That too will be less of an atrocity than Zoom TV and Times of India's new cool sassy and sexy anthem for the new generation that will be largely ignored and almost unanimously hated.

Pardon my french but:
Sur mila hi nahi hai kisiko, sur milne do pehle aur phir humara aur tumhara sur milate hein.

Also loved SRK's expression where he is trying hard to fart out his unfound Sur from his behind. Wonder if it would have been better for national integrity if he would have died of a rare attack of anal thrombosis whilst trying to fart out the constipated 'sur' he was trying to integrate with the others'. That way this monstrosity would have been stopped and so would other horrible movies (but that would be a bonus. nation first).

Deepika Padukone could have sung in Konkani but she did not. She stuck to lingering around pointlessly in outrageous (not for their skimpiness but for their sheer ugliness) clothing at best incongruent to the ambience and lip-syncing in a strange incongruent language making the viewer wonder if it would have best for national integrity if she would have drowned in that river and thus preempted this doomed project which if any thing promotes thoughts of sedition and insurgency in young impressionable minds incensed by its lamery.

Or if the Kapoor boy, would have fallen off from the cliff while his crew members let him bleed to death whilst singing the national anthem and saluting him for his martyrdom, knowing fully well that his small sacrifice would save the young kids of the country from watching this incredible abomination.

Or if Amitabh Bachhan would have undergone a nervous break down and would subsequently only say, "Jao jake usse sign leke aao jisne mere haath par yeh likh diya tha" (text on his hands:- 'Im a cock juggling thunder-cunt') and other such old dialogues again and again and again for the rest of his life trying to recreate the magic he will NEVER ever be able to recreate. (I am not a fan. He is a cunt. Except ofcourse, deewar and sholay. and namak haram. and anand. and kala pathhar. and zameer. and zanjeer. aah who am i kidding. he is a cunt but he is my cunt. wait what?..)

Or if a 'Madrassi', yes thats right, I said 'Madrassi' rickshaw-wala would run over Surya whilst loudly playing "Aitalaka aitalaka" and angrily lambasting the crew members, "Vootla solta vantiya?" killing Surya instantly.

Or if Aishwarya Rai and Abhishekh Bachchan would shoot each other on screen whilst criticising each other for being vain, arrogant and lets face it quite visually repulsive and physically ugly by all but objective standards.

Or if Amjad Ali Khan would admit on record that he killed Ustad Ali Akbar Khan with the help of his talentless sons who might not be great musicians but certainly are prolific murderers.

Or if Shivkumar Sharma and his dick son would scream out, "Hum Kya Chahte? AZADI!" and then blow up the place proving that they were Hizbul Mujahideen operatives all along, provoking award winning journalist and fucking idiot Pranay Roy to say, "Didn't I tell you. All Kashmiris are terrorists" only to be given the Gujarat Gaurav Award for excellence in Journalism and service of cuntry [sic]

Or if the same speech impaired children would collectively come to the realization that together they were much stronger than the artificially fattened and genetically engineered Salman Khan and would then overpower him and cut off his tongue making him realize the hard way how wrong and offensive his dismal attempts at trying to mime a sign language. Leaving him more expression less than he already is.

Of if Ehsan and Loy would be caught on camera saying, "Look we are playing the same chord..and you know why? cos Indian Classical music is monotonous and uninteresting." creating a huge controversy with the Shiv Sena ransacking all Times of India offices for being agents of Western Culture devastating Bennett and Coleman company forcing the owners to penury putting an end to all that is bad in journalism.

Or if Zakir Hussain and his brother were to bully and beat up their younger brother for being the worst percussionist in the Allah Rakha family.

Or if Rashid Khan (the mustached guy clad in green who has a crooked face due to years of singing from his left cheek) were to publicly declare whilst on set "Hindustani music has no future, I got them blues" and start a crusade to once and for all destroy the North Indian Musical tradition that he thinks is humbug if anything.

Or if the 2 Kulkarni kids who are not married nor siblings but still look similar (because all Maharashtrians ultimately look the same! Yes thats right. I said it, all maharashtrian look the same. The educated ones try to hide it by using recently learnt GRE words, but whom are they kidding) If they were to make sweet sweet love on screen whilst being told by a woman who proclaims to be their mother (and in reality the mother of all that is maharashtrian solving the question that riddled scientists for centuries: why are all maharashtrians congruent) that they are but siblings. The proud mother, Mrs. Savitribai Kulkarni later proclaims, "It is but a small sacrifice for the Empire. The maratha empire. We want our empire back! R.S.S! R.S.S!"

Or if the Gujrathi guy whoever the farg he is says, "Screw India. I am going to the US! You guys suck!"

That would do much more for National Integrity and help preserve it than the atrocious facile monstrosity that is the Zoom TV's craftwork. This at best an insurgent propaganda and promotes hatred for ones country, its culture, its people and its diversity which it has described lamely and stupidly and at worst a contemptuous disdain for our merry childhood made by a bunch of talentless cunts who are trying to say, "Since we were not successful in raping you anally while you were still a kid, let us at least destroy your memories and puke on all that makes you nostalgic".

Happy Republic Day

Monday, January 25, 2010

for a few marx

Religion is not an opiate of the masses. It is the fraudulent justification for complicity, association and/or submission to coercive exploitative authority. In that sense it is not an irrational whim of the human animal but a rational choice that a person makes based on dishonest reasoning, typically made to sooth ones conscience for not being brave enough to tackle the overwhelming fear and insecurities of living in an indecent society.

so fuck you, Marx.

This post is for Kpolit bureau members only. KPolit Bureau members are requested to back up and destroy this message on receipt.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Empty Vessels

"Empty vessels make more noise". No they don't. A pressure cooker with water and potatoes and a mixie half filled with ginger, garlic, cilantro and peppers make much more noise than empty vessels. And they also make a good potato curry. So don't patronize me with your condescending culinary metaphors.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Q 6 B) Write an Autobiography of a License Agreement : (10 marks)

Here I stand head in hand
Turned my face to the wall"
- John Lennon.

Though, I am probably the first text document you probably ever read when you installed your favourite Operating System, I am still unknown to you. No, I am not a driver, no I am not a installation manual, no I am not writing no so many times because I am pessimistic. This is because, my teacher cuts points if I don't pretend to be enigmatic in an autobiography. An exaggerated positive point of view (supported by exaggeratedly optimistic view points) can be found in my essay above Q 6 A) India, the super power of the 21st century ! ?.
I am a License Agreement. Not an ordinary one at that; I am the License Agreement of Windows. As nobody really remembers the time of his birth, I donot remember the place and circumstances under which I was born. (Authors note: I have never understood why all kids write this line is all autobiographies, is it the enigma of the process of birth or the futility of life prompted by over competitive exams) I had a very traumatic childhood as for as long as I remember my parents have always furnished me in court, where I have been interrogated ruthlessly, and been heavily debated to know whose side I take.
I am told I was born on an Apple Macintosh of Bill Gates.....
I have to rapidly finish this composition as time is short .... I had to write this essay very quickly...100 marks 180 minutes;10 marks : 18 minutes. And as usual , I cannot complete my paper..... so I will end this essay hastily adding some worthless comments to impart conituity.

I am sad as nobody has ever read me, they all say "I do" and then they never bother to peruse my contents. I wish there would be someone who would read me and sue my parents Microsoft, for taking their users for granted.

"He came, he saw
He haw He Haw"
- some other female blogger on blogspot

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Ballad of Sir Sam

Ballad of Sir Sam
Until thou indulge in oblivion fascination
Of Sexual gratification through self-stimulation
To all who hark, I shall tell a story
Words long lost in time, a tale so hoary

Once upon a time in the Scythian race
Was born a sage with a sarcastic face
A believer he was of devout image
But many had suffered of his eccentric rage

Sambrani Kumar he is known in the mundane world
Perish the world shall his wrath unfold
Bravely went once for the GRE test
To go to US where 'THEY' are at best

Amidst the test mother nature did call
He had to visit foremost of all
Shitting with pants is a difficult effort
So removed his pants and kept only his shirt

But when it came to wearing it back
The pant so promptly hung on the rack
The underwear rebelled and fell in the hole
The crap in the potty had taken its toll

Liberate me from this shit it cried
Lest for the god the mortal had died
In a manner only to a god shall befit
Sambrani put his industrious hands in it

Thus Sambrani the rocker with courage so scanty
Emancipated the troubled soul of his panty
Then shy of its hideous deed of treachery
The underwear couldnt show its face to the fairy
Liberate me my Lord of form so dainty
For thou are the only "savior of panty"
The witty Sambrani grasped the innuendo
And flung the panty out of the window

History has known and time will see
Even today if thou go for GRE
Can see this piece of lingerie
Blissful in freedom, Hanging on a tree

To end with we see sense is ephemeral
Alas, Not all stories have a moral
For wankers are those who found something to learn
Impotent they are who listen for fun

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

In praise of Idleness

the evil worship of work,
the stupid cult of productivity
and the idiotic drama of professionalism
the scandalous criminalization of laziness
and the unnecessary guilt of procrastination
the foolish dream of greatness,
the silly pursuit of popularity,
the pointless mirage of ambition
and the hidieous doggerel of a career.

is what I told my fellow applicants to the same position that I wanted.
is what I always tell her, when she says she cant come out cos she has work.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The longest word

"'Smiles' is the longest word in the English language, since there is a mile between the two 's'es" No it isn't. The word 'ass' can be much longer than a mile if written with a font large enough, in spite of there being nothing between the two 's'es. (so can lanyards, finches etc.)