Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Some Sample Letters

1:04 AM
9/6/2006
Hey Candy,

Can you please return the baking pan you borrowed from me last week? I wanted to bake something but I can't cos the pan's with you.

Thanks,
Jennifer
I am a man- yes, I know my name's Jennifer but I am a man.


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8:41 AM
9/6/2006

its new alright. But i hope this longing for novelty is not an excuse for the slaughter of the meek, widespread unemployment of the proleteriat and baseless discrimination of the unrepresented. Time has seen and history has shown that such "new" tools only create a criterion for marginalization of the human society. So well, if you want a new class bourgeois bloggers supressing the hues and cries of the lamenting proleteriat. THEN YES! I will join the Beta

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12:56 AM
9/6/2006
Hello Adolpfette,

Remember I bumped into you at the Anti-Rename-Hitler's-Cross-Restaurant-Protest. I was the one holding the "Nazis were cool, u r a Fool" placard and wearing a white tshirt with black swastika. I really liked your smile and appreciate you buying me a 5 star cos I was hungry. neway, I wanted to know if you were interested in meeting up 4 coffee or something sometime. Do reply - it is not everyday that one meets a girl who shares one's opinions.

Thanks,
Gunther
Eugenix 4 Life

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7:38 PM
9/5/2006

Miya Tansen,

The chord Esus Amajor Asus Dsus Dm Dsus D6 Asus forms a major portion of your raaga Mia malhar. If this is true cross the box below. If not do not.

If C is permissible then ..


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1:41 PM
9/3/2006
Dear Prof. D'Britto,
I took Data Structures under you in 2001 at a prestigious institute in a leading metropolis in an emerging superpower. Its been a long time I needed to ask you this. But I have been procastinating due to the social confinements I face as a citizen of an emerging superpower.
I need to confess that I am madly obsessed with your perforated vests. I have been searching in vain for those, everywhere, from designer outlets to street vendors, all over the biggest superpower in the world. The diameter of the perforation, the sweet adsorption is very hard to recreate even for the hightech designers in the biggest superpower in the world.

Could I ask you a favour? Could you send a dozen of these perforated vests via a leading courier service? I would pay all your expenses incurred. Do send me this asap, as I have a date next month and I need to impress my date by wearing this vest and showing my chest hair.
regards,
Winona Rider (Mrs.)
P.S: Why did you kill me Brutus? you bastard.

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4:46 AM
9/5/2006
Dear Roshni,

Please, for Heaven's sake, don't try to talk in Japanese. It doesn't serve any purpose at all. At all. We all know you are a ditz, and at the age of 32 and a half, there is little you can do to change it.

Thanks,

Your cousin,
Akira Yamaha
CEO, The Other Yamaha (TM)
Making Things Since 1978 (TM)
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9:13 AM
9/1/2006
Malati,

If you want to talk to me personally please stop making crank calls. This is a presitgious seminary reputed for its priests of great character and standing. Making blank calls only disturbs the tranquility of this place and scares away our sponsors. Your teenage daughters atheism can be cured in a month (full moeny back guarantee) and I can say that from my experience of having rehabilitated millions of agnostics, atheists, idol worshippers and substance abusers.

Love me or hate, please say something to me.

Tu du du,
Rabbi Salil Godse (Mrs.)
"THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD(say)" - RSG
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11:15 PM
9/2/2006
Dear Mr. Lead Guitarist,

I am sorry to say that while you have been praised to the skies by your legions of adoring fans, you have failed to impress me. Your sweep arpeggios are sloppy at best - please try to make sure each note is clearly sounded instead of trying to move your hand as fast as possible. Also, your bends are horribly out of tune - listening to them is like running one's nails over a blackboard. I will have nightmares of your off-bends for a while. Please practice before attempting to be a rock star.

Thank you,
Guitar God
Bending notes to the right pitch since 1985 (TM)
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7:23 AM
9/1/2006
Dear Monisha

I want to tell you that the other day I saw you with another guy at Santa Cruz Station. He was quite old and visually impaired. So much for your promises of being together forever. I am 6 feet 5, have cleared all physical exams for the Merchant Navy and have an exceptional eyesight (especcially a good eye for details). And yet what do I get? I see you crossing the street with an old, bald, blind man. So long. Now I am searching for my soul mate here in Miami, someone who will never ever leave me.

yours truly,
Mrs. Damayanti Vellutadathparambil.
"Life is only as you see it. (with my eyes)"
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7:45 AM
9/1/2006
Dear Radhika,

After hearing you sing for the first time on Saturday at Priya chachi's house, I am sorry to say that I strongly believe there is no future for you as a playback singer. Your singing was awful and I'm sure everyone else in that room who was not tone deaf was either trying to suppress laughter or suppress tears. I am sorry that it has to be this way - I know it was your dream. Take heart - you are only 6 years old and there are a lot of exciting career opportunities for women in this day and age.

Yours,

Anuradha Chaddha,
Headmistress, St. Ann's School for Girls (Retd.)

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11:34 PM
8/31/2006
Dear Rani-beti,

I have told you many times to not leave half-eaten fruits on top of the refrigerator as insects and rodents are attracted to these things. This morning, when I went to bring out the milk for heating I saw a rat chewing on what appeared to be the remains of a mango. Please stop this juvenile behaviour at once - it is not becoming of a girl of twenty three. I might have to take drastic action if this continues.

Your dadi,

Aruna Kapoor,
w/o Brig. Shivraj Kapoor

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11:49 AM
8/31/2006
Dearest Nancy,

I did not like your behaviour at Smita chachi's wedding, today. I have told you time and again that torturing prisoners of war is not approvable by Geneva Convention. Taking hostages and shouting around "We want our Birdy Num Num" with semi automatic weapons is not a good thing and people of our caste dont indulge in to such uncivilized behaviour.
Any way as a guardian it is my duty to preach you incessantly and waste my time at less than minimum wage.

yours sincerely,
Inspector Karan Saxena (Mrs.)
1 800 CARPETBAGGERS
Call now and get free property in war torn areas.
WARtime REAL ESTATE
"we take care of you, we take care of your lives"

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7:19 AM
8/31/2006
Hello Mr. Adelkar,

Thank you for your interest in Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc. I regret to inform you, however, that the handbag you requested ( OSS-283 ) is not available in White Chocolate. I do realise the trauma this may cause your better half or any other intended recipient of this gift, or even yourself, if you are so inclined, but there is nothing I can do in this regard - no plans have been made to release the same in White Chocolate.

Thank you for your interest,

Mrs. Indra Gupta
Proprietrix,
Aunty's Homemade Handbags, Inc.

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7:09 AM
8/31/2006
Amit

I perused your resume and was highly impressed by your skill set. I am glad to know that you are gravitated towards our research. But I regret to inform you that due to paucity of chairs we can not offer you a position at our lab. However, we have one position, a yoga asana 'Hastapaadasana', which occupies very little space and is increasess the odds of increasing the length of the femur. In case you can take it please do send a photo of you doing it. We will see how to take this further.

regards,
Hiten Manchandani (Mrs.) Phd.

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12:04 AM
8/31/2006
Hello Siddharth,

I heard from my neighbour's cousin's 3rd daughter's husband that you had a bad experience with a dentist and your fillings. It seems that the filling would not fill the tooth that needed to be filled, or atleast that's what the people are saying. Of course, I have no way to verify if you are the same Siddharth, but I'd like you to know that I am proficient in all sorts of fillings. Yes, even the ones that will stay in the tooth to be filled.

Thanks,

Dr. (Mrs) Jayanthi Devi, BDS , MDS.

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8:43 PM
8/30/2006
Hey Amit.

Long time. Hows u? Uncle told me the other day that Amit is going to Nainital.

I just want to confirm. are you? cos the uncle that I am talking about is not your uncle and the amit he is referring to is not you.

so are you going to Nainital?

sincerely,
Brigadier Vinit Nihalini (Mrs)
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4 comments:

Kappa said...

Dear Amilkar,

this is by far the craziest shizzete that i have ever indulged into. I know that you know that i have never been tired of making and selling submarine's on these vast desert plains since 1977. However my business is going really dull these days due to catostrophic mists, floods and sometimes even hail. However i am glad to inform you despite of all of that and much more, i will able to actively participate in the great debate of Why circumcized males do not like Fanta.

Guranjeet Singh Kape,
Watchman

Anonymous said...

dude,
this is impressive (but only if you're not mad schizophrenic).

Stupidosaur said...

^^^^
What anonymous said

Ketan said...

This is too good!