Monday, December 10, 2007

Linear Execution

Dear Puppy,

Our ancestors were indeed great. However, the long and painful rendezvous with the British was not entirely dispensable as might have appeared from my father's writings. Thanks to the aforementioned confluence of two otherwise antagonizing cultures, the 20th century Indian was able to brew a new social remedy for all evil. Previously unknown to mankind and/or simians, (It would be an act of pure optimism to even consider the canine and other such inferior forms of life in this argument) this method will shock the feeble-minded. (Reader discretion advised. Not suitable for perusal for Children under 3)

Most of us are unaware of this concept whilst it pervades ever so freely the problem space of our third-worldly lives. It is typically heard from "uncles" of all ages. Middle-aged Indians through out the country, leaving behind their linguistic identity, their religious persuasion or their political inclination, scream out emphatically and assertively:

"______ should be lined up and shot"

There are many things extremely remarkable with this cult of "Linear Execution". The most profound amongst these "things" is the insistence on making "them" stand in a line. Such discipline, such uncompromisingly meticulous process of execution (ah dhang you) invokes respect in the young and fear in the minds of the guilty. Alternatively, it might also be argued that the disdain and hatred that queues/lines (or the lack thereof) inspire in urban Indians has led to such a striking (ah dhang you?) expression.

The perpetrators of this cult who are affably (and sometimes scornfully) called "Uncles" often cite the application of this method of problem solving for almost every social problem.

Corruption: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Riots: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
India loses to Australia: "These cricketers must be lined up and shot"
Inflation: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Film star Exposed: "All these actors must be lined up and shot"
Garbage overflow: "all corporation officials ..."
rabid stray dogs found barking incessantly: "ALL DOGS..." (Puppy, this should enlighten you of your privileges)

It is noteworthy that while some uncles might propose a linear execution of only the guilty individuals, others insist that all practitioners of the trade have to be lined up and shot. This division is vivid, typically, in the treatment of the topic of political problems. While some uncles advocate the use of linear execution against only the accomplices in the event of an exposed scam, others argue that all politicians must be shot given the disclosure.

It is also important to note that not all "Uncles" are, what might appear to Westerners, cruelly extremist. Amongst "Uncles" there are moderates who, contrary to the radical "shooting" solution, propose "Whipping / Flogging" as more effective and becoming. Relatively benign social evils like a loss in a cricket match do not deserve extreme measures like shooting cricketers, they say. Thus, in lieu of capital punishment, mortally wounding or infliction of significant pain should suffice. However, regardless of the severity of action, UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES they have to be "lined up".

Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Because you're mine, I walk the line" - Johnny Cash.


Krish Ashok said...

There is a reason you can't see my face right now. And it's because currently facing my legs, as my head is deeply bowing at the sheer awesomeness of this post. All forms of headgear have also been doffed in due respect.

karnail said...

Dear Sir:

Although I must admit that your observations are non-obvious and novel, it would be remiss of you not to delve deeper and question the causality of this obsession with linearity. In my work in the neo-anthropological sciences (pwnage), I am often faced with perplexing questions such as this. If I may, I would like to share some of my theories regarding the socio-cultural roots behind these phenomena.

Firstly, we are a people of lines. We cherish it, relish it and have come to accept it as a part of our daily lives. Nothing worthwhile is obtained without standing in a line first. This curiosity would explain why movie theaters in India are either 'house-full' (in which case there is a line of people queued up to attempt to procure tickets) or completely empty. Serpentine queues are as Indian as a cutting chai on a rainy day, or as an overturned truck in flames on the side of a two-lane highway. In my youth, I chose a junior college solely on the basis of which form took the longest time to acquire. The line - a uniquely British solution to manage the unruly brown proletariat.

Secondly, we must examine the economic aspect of linear execution. India, the perennially emerging country, is not a land of plenty. Poverty abounds, and resources are scarce at best. There is a significant cost savings benefit to be had if victims were lined up before being victimized. Not only can this curb the material costs of ammunition, but also the physical labor involved in whipping. This speaks of financial prudence, a typically Indian quality.

I hope that I have made a useful contribution to your already insightful piece. Thank you for your time.


Dr. Karnail Singh Ahluwalia, Pwner

Anonymous said...

Dr. Karnail Singh Ahluwalia,

It is great curious minds like yours that keep us going.

Please do keep reading. Its encouraging.

Thank You,
Dr. Happy Kapoor (Mr. and Mrs.)
Hello I am Happpy. Oye not that happy.

Anonymous said...

"we are a people of lines"

"India, the perennially emerging country."

"In my youth, I chose a junior college solely on the basis of which form took the longest time to acquire."

"Uniquely British solution to manage the unruly brown proletariat."

"financial prudence, a typically Indian quality"

So many instances of pure and simple PWNAGE.

- Baby V.

Additionally, we shall use the above quotes liberally. I hope you do not mind.

Additionally, this brilliance has a familiar odour.

Kappa said...

While you stand there talking about linear topics, my mind is exploding with exponential execution.

Before even starting to read the post, i was laughing for 10 minutes on the floor just reading the name of the topic. It might have not been that funny, but i couldnt stop laughing.

Now if our ancestors were into dark and heavy metal, they would have said " ----- should have been made to hang on clothes lines and shot"

And that is what i mean by Exponential Execution.

Probably we, the nation's next ancestors would be saying that.

"We want more than the wars of our fathers" - Switchfoot

Thank You
Mrs. Ranjana Sharma
"Killing Field" Ticket Officer
1 800 Xecute

baby v said...


GFY, perhaps?

Baby V and Puppy M.

How many trainwrecks do we need? said...



maybe not

maybe youll can go fuck each other


Universe Owner
1800 Yougotbilled

Adi Tappa said...

Do you listen to Jack FM? Do you take requests?? Anyway, my drawing skills can (and do) put Picasso to shame, so I request you to draw this for me.

Could you draw a stationery store, and hang the sign 'We're moving' .... so we all can see a statione(/a)ry store move??!

PS: I love Puppy(s).
A song dedicated from me to you-
"Le Puppy..aan Jhapiyan Paa Lein Hum, Ankhiyon Ke Pech Lada Lein Hum, Dil Mein Hai Khalbali, O Meri Chulbuli Khul Ke Milen Aaj Hum, Adippa.. Adippa"

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours sincerely,
Adi Tappa.
(non) Visual Images dot com
Hilton Hotel