School Statistics

Dear NCERT Statistics Incharge,

Baby V and I have conducted surveys across the country and have compiled our findings into a neat report. Please find our statistics enclosed.

Hope you find them useful.

Regards,

Baby V and Puppy M

A Study of Indian School Children - A Report Compiled By Baby V and Puppy M

In a Mathematics or Physics exam, 79.2% of all school children have attempted to get full marks by writing a series of loosely connected equations, followed by either the answer (which was memorized) or "hence proved".
11% write an alternate proof, amounting to "Nothing in this world makes sense but we say it's true. So why can’t this be true?"
1% prove it using “argumentum ad ignorantum”. "Prove it's not so. Since you can't, hence proved"

75% of all students aged 14 want to be Bill Gates when they grow up.
22% want to be like him.
The rest want to be Melinda.

3% of all girls aged 12 claim they like certain film actors because they are Good Human Beings.
95.3% of all boys who are told this refuse to believe it.

92% of all boys grow up to say that the girls in their school were the best.

Average age of boys when they start using the "f" word is 11.34.
Average age of girls when they start using 'f' word is 13.03.
Average age of girls when they start using euphemisms for 'f' words is 13.06.

41.2% of students with an older sibling have been called by their older sibling's name, even if the older sibling is of the opposite sex.

Students with siblings or cousins in other standards are 85% more likely to become prefects than students with no siblings or cousins.

67% of all discipline prefects do not wear ties and / or tuck in shirts.
The combined attrition and firing rate of discipline prefects is 76.4%

Success rate of teachers trying to curb a student's talkativeness in class by changing their place : 0.14%

Only 0.01% of Head boys and head girls have any mutual attraction.
95% of all students think "the head boy and head girl are obviously going out".
45% of all head girls are taller than their respective head boys.

35% of all senior teachers have been quoted to say words that amount to "head (boy/girl) is headless only".

23% of all male teachers are prospective stand up comedians.

13.4% of the time, laughter at a teacher's joke in any class is forced and/or extended for a longer period of time than necessary.

The laughter density at a time after a teacher has made a joke is found to be concentrated in the areas of high ranking students.

3% of all male students are extremely popular hecklers.
Heckling is the only known form of comedy to 76% of all students.
12% of all female students find heckling extremely attractive.
87% of all male students believe heckling turns women on.

93% of all girls aged 13 like tall, strong boys.
93% of all girls aged 33 like tall strong boys.

33% of all boys think girls like smart first rankers.

92% of all students admit to having had homicidal intentions against the person who asks too many questions in class.
8% of all students ask too many questions.
91% of students who ask too many questions claim that they do so to stay awake.

99.3% of all students aged 6 are afraid of violence from teachers.
58% of all students aged 11 are afraid of the same.
0.01% of all students aged 14 are afraid of violence from teachers.
47.3% of all students are more afraid of remarks in the calendar than violence.
31.2% of all school going children are hiding their calendars from their parents because they got "remarks" in them today.

84% of all students have forged their father’s signature.
22% have forged their mother’s signature.
7% have forged someone else's mother's signature.

35% of all students aged 10 support nuclear weapons.
94.5% of those want the nuclear weapons to be used against school / school teachers.

92% of all male catholic students aged 13 have been quoted saying "This father is a c!@%@, man. The earlier one was much better".
86% of catholic school male students believe "This father has done a lot for our school’s [insert sport here] team".

78% of all non catholic students from missionary and convent schools believe "They teach them football in Religion class while we are taught bloody useless morals".
89% of all catholic students from missionary/convent schools believe "Those bastards are talking about sex in their class and we have to learn about the bible".

98% of all students can be quoted saying words that roughly mean "All this Morals and all are useless. Money is everything".

4.3% of students over the age of 12 do their homework regularly.
81.2% of students over the age of 12 copy from the above 4 %.
The remaining doesn’t give a damn.

2.3% of students below 10th standard know what "caste" they are.
97.8% of those in 10th std. know what "caste" they are.

96.23% of all boys believe they already know everything about sex education before it is taught.

2.03 % of 14 yr old boys know what a clitoris is.
2.03% of 34 yr old men know what a clitoris is.

99.3% of 14 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
99.3% of 24 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
51% of 14 year old boys claim they know what boys are like. The rest never thought about it.
0.01% of 26 year old men know what boys/men are like. 99% of them don’t care.

93% of all boys ages 14 believe "Ultimately, it’s all about sex"

96.46% of all matriculating students feel that their batch was the last good batch.

99.31% of all students believe the value of PI is 22/7.

95.35% of all schools have stories linking two teachers of opposite sex who fell in love but could not get married due to societal pressure.

1% of all girls in school are the love interest of 97.23% of all boys in school.

98.12% of students aged 8 believe that the religious figure on the wall of their classroom is watching them.
Less than 0.2% of students aged 13 and above believe that the religious figure on the wall of the classroom is watching them.

89% of 8 year old students believe it’s a sin to talk in class.
78% of 12 year old students believe it’s a crime to talk in class though not a sin.
97% of all students below the age of 13 rate "Cannot stop talking in class" as their biggest problem in life.

Average age of boys when they watch their first X rated movie : 14.02
13.6 % of boys say they've never watched one to appear virtuous.

1.3% of boys in 6th standard believe that when girls are separated for a "special class" they are trained to become spies for the government against boys, parents and society.

87% of all toppers in regional language subjects are non native speakers.

57.34% find observing 2 minutes in silence in the wake of a tragedy extremely difficult.

98.3% of students will say that the first ranker got their first rank because of "partiality" from teachers.
86% of all girls believe so.

1.27% of all school teachers admit to having written remarks in a student’s calendar with the hope that they get to meet their mothers.
99.3% of these teachers are women.

13.5% of all primary school kids have claimed at one point to have received "double promotion".

35% of students have at some point thought of overthrowing the principal.
85.6% of these students have been Bengali speakers.

100% of all boys’ only or girls’ only schools have a rumour that their school will become co-ed in the near future.

93.4% of all school going kids have used the words "principal" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

97.5% of all students aged 13 talk about sex in P.T period.
Almost all of them do so with members of the same sex.

78% of all school girls of age 13 who have low grades aspire to become secondary school teachers.

0.4% of all school children come back at some time in the future as "chief guests" for important school functions.

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