Friday, December 28, 2007

Bully and the kids in the dungeon

Dear Puppy Manohar,

In our school we have a bully. She pushes around everyone. Beats up the weak ones. "Protects her friends from harm" and "straightens their enemies". But who has chosen this bully? Why does she and not anyone else get to push everyone else around.

Wouldn't it be cool if we get to choose our bully? Then in that case, she would still do what she wants, but at least we would have the satisfaction of having chosen her. Feels a bit empowered, doesn't it? Sadly, our teacher doesn't let us choose our monitor. She has appointed the bully.
In any case, we are more scared of the teacher than we are of the bully.They say many years ago in 2nd D, the kids planned and created a united front and beat up the bully. When teacher came in, she gave everyone a nice pasting and made them kneel down outside the classroom.Their parents were called. The students concluded that the teacher is the source of all oppression so they all refused to listen to her from the next day and kept talking, screaming and pushing the benches to make that screeching noise.

The teacher then took the kids to the head mistress. It is said that the head mistress locked them in a dark dungeon inside the locked room besides 4th E. No one has heard from those kids ever again. They say that the kids are still locked in. Vincent, the drunkard peon, told me that when he comes early in the morning, he can hear them cry. It's been 20 years now, he says. They have become feral monsters.

Thats why kids don't say anything to the bully because she says if we talk they will feed us to the kids in the dungeon.

How do things work in canine societies? Of course you must not be that civilized. You hardly have any formal social structure. It must be just savage, "any one can do anything" nonsense. Uncivilized bestial anarchy, isn't it? Do you vote for your alpha male/female?

Baby Vaijayanti.

"You take a mortal man. And put him in control. Watch him become a god"(In a strange whining voice like you were just kicked where it hurts)- Dave Mustaine!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Chronicles of Coder Mami

Dear Puppy Manohar,

Have you ever been bugged (ah dhang you) by programming inadequacies? Do you feel bugs appear not because of the programmer's shortcomings but because of Evil Spirits? Do you feel that the software processes in your company are not good enough to save you from the evil forces of "issues"?

There is a new super hero in town. She is experienced, she is strong, she is wise, she is never wrong - Coder Mami. No one knows who she is or where she lives. There is also a book of sayings: "Coder Mami's Almanac" that have Old and New Jungle Sayings - Ancient Indian Tales on how to ward off evil spirits that are haunting your code.


Baby Vaijayanthi.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

School Statistics

Dear NCERT Statistics Incharge,

Baby V and I have conducted surveys across the country and have compiled our findings into a neat report. Please find our statistics enclosed.

Hope you find them useful.


Baby V and Puppy M

A Study of Indian School Children - A Report Compiled By Baby V and Puppy M

In a Mathematics or Physics exam, 79.2% of all school children have attempted to get full marks by writing a series of loosely connected equations, followed by either the answer (which was memorized) or "hence proved".
11% write an alternate proof, amounting to "Nothing in this world makes sense but we say it's true. So why can’t this be true?"
1% prove it using “argumentum ad ignorantum”. "Prove it's not so. Since you can't, hence proved"

75% of all students aged 14 want to be Bill Gates when they grow up.
22% want to be like him.
The rest want to be Melinda.

3% of all girls aged 12 claim they like certain film actors because they are Good Human Beings.
95.3% of all boys who are told this refuse to believe it.

92% of all boys grow up to say that the girls in their school were the best.

Average age of boys when they start using the "f" word is 11.34.
Average age of girls when they start using 'f' word is 13.03.
Average age of girls when they start using euphemisms for 'f' words is 13.06.

41.2% of students with an older sibling have been called by their older sibling's name, even if the older sibling is of the opposite sex.

Students with siblings or cousins in other standards are 85% more likely to become prefects than students with no siblings or cousins.

67% of all discipline prefects do not wear ties and / or tuck in shirts.
The combined attrition and firing rate of discipline prefects is 76.4%

Success rate of teachers trying to curb a student's talkativeness in class by changing their place : 0.14%

Only 0.01% of Head boys and head girls have any mutual attraction.
95% of all students think "the head boy and head girl are obviously going out".
45% of all head girls are taller than their respective head boys.

35% of all senior teachers have been quoted to say words that amount to "head (boy/girl) is headless only".

23% of all male teachers are prospective stand up comedians.

13.4% of the time, laughter at a teacher's joke in any class is forced and/or extended for a longer period of time than necessary.

The laughter density at a time after a teacher has made a joke is found to be concentrated in the areas of high ranking students.

3% of all male students are extremely popular hecklers.
Heckling is the only known form of comedy to 76% of all students.
12% of all female students find heckling extremely attractive.
87% of all male students believe heckling turns women on.

93% of all girls aged 13 like tall, strong boys.
93% of all girls aged 33 like tall strong boys.

33% of all boys think girls like smart first rankers.

92% of all students admit to having had homicidal intentions against the person who asks too many questions in class.
8% of all students ask too many questions.
91% of students who ask too many questions claim that they do so to stay awake.

99.3% of all students aged 6 are afraid of violence from teachers.
58% of all students aged 11 are afraid of the same.
0.01% of all students aged 14 are afraid of violence from teachers.
47.3% of all students are more afraid of remarks in the calendar than violence.
31.2% of all school going children are hiding their calendars from their parents because they got "remarks" in them today.

84% of all students have forged their father’s signature.
22% have forged their mother’s signature.
7% have forged someone else's mother's signature.

35% of all students aged 10 support nuclear weapons.
94.5% of those want the nuclear weapons to be used against school / school teachers.

92% of all male catholic students aged 13 have been quoted saying "This father is a c!@%@, man. The earlier one was much better".
86% of catholic school male students believe "This father has done a lot for our school’s [insert sport here] team".

78% of all non catholic students from missionary and convent schools believe "They teach them football in Religion class while we are taught bloody useless morals".
89% of all catholic students from missionary/convent schools believe "Those bastards are talking about sex in their class and we have to learn about the bible".

98% of all students can be quoted saying words that roughly mean "All this Morals and all are useless. Money is everything".

4.3% of students over the age of 12 do their homework regularly.
81.2% of students over the age of 12 copy from the above 4 %.
The remaining doesn’t give a damn.

2.3% of students below 10th standard know what "caste" they are.
97.8% of those in 10th std. know what "caste" they are.

96.23% of all boys believe they already know everything about sex education before it is taught.

2.03 % of 14 yr old boys know what a clitoris is.
2.03% of 34 yr old men know what a clitoris is.

99.3% of 14 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
99.3% of 24 year old girls claim they know what boys are like.
51% of 14 year old boys claim they know what boys are like. The rest never thought about it.
0.01% of 26 year old men know what boys/men are like. 99% of them don’t care.

93% of all boys ages 14 believe "Ultimately, it’s all about sex"

96.46% of all matriculating students feel that their batch was the last good batch.

99.31% of all students believe the value of PI is 22/7.

95.35% of all schools have stories linking two teachers of opposite sex who fell in love but could not get married due to societal pressure.

1% of all girls in school are the love interest of 97.23% of all boys in school.

98.12% of students aged 8 believe that the religious figure on the wall of their classroom is watching them.
Less than 0.2% of students aged 13 and above believe that the religious figure on the wall of the classroom is watching them.

89% of 8 year old students believe it’s a sin to talk in class.
78% of 12 year old students believe it’s a crime to talk in class though not a sin.
97% of all students below the age of 13 rate "Cannot stop talking in class" as their biggest problem in life.

Average age of boys when they watch their first X rated movie : 14.02
13.6 % of boys say they've never watched one to appear virtuous.

1.3% of boys in 6th standard believe that when girls are separated for a "special class" they are trained to become spies for the government against boys, parents and society.

87% of all toppers in regional language subjects are non native speakers.

57.34% find observing 2 minutes in silence in the wake of a tragedy extremely difficult.

98.3% of students will say that the first ranker got their first rank because of "partiality" from teachers.
86% of all girls believe so.

1.27% of all school teachers admit to having written remarks in a student’s calendar with the hope that they get to meet their mothers.
99.3% of these teachers are women.

13.5% of all primary school kids have claimed at one point to have received "double promotion".

35% of students have at some point thought of overthrowing the principal.
85.6% of these students have been Bengali speakers.

100% of all boys’ only or girls’ only schools have a rumour that their school will become co-ed in the near future.

93.4% of all school going kids have used the words "principal" and "bastard" in the same sentence.

97.5% of all students aged 13 talk about sex in P.T period.
Almost all of them do so with members of the same sex.

78% of all school girls of age 13 who have low grades aspire to become secondary school teachers.

0.4% of all school children come back at some time in the future as "chief guests" for important school functions.


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Alternate Dictionary

Dear all,

Earlier, we gave you a bunch of words that had fallen out of use. This time, we present to you :

Obscure Alternate Meanings of Common Words

Alcohol To help someone pull a heavy load (I'll co haul)
Antagonist One who is committed to the extermination of ants (ant + gone)
Apparent A bad parent (a + parent)
Aromatic Not relating to the country of Italy (a + rome )
Ballistic A primitive sport like cricket (ball + stick)
Board To become like a pig (boar)
Branch A vegetarian meal consumed in the afternoon (variant of brunch)
Colander Someone who is on the same flight as you (co + lander)
Collateral Someone who is as late as you are (co + late)
Constellation A thief stealing from another thief (con + steal )
Contempt A bait for convicts ( con + tempt )
Cupboard Material used to make tupperware
Demeanor A person who demeans everything
Dentist A person who believes in banging into cars (dent)
Dictionary Relating to male genitalia
Dictum Portion of the body below the diaphragm and above the legs
Dinosaur Person with two noses (di + nose)
Economics The science of having one name (from Bangla)
Embargo A visit to places that serve alcohol (bar + go)
Etymology Art of reading time from the internet (e + time + ology)
Flatulent An apartment that has been leased (flat + lent)
Giraffe An animal chart (variant of graph)
Giraffe (Alt meaning) A social faux pas made by an elderly person (ger + gaffe)
Gypsum A small amount of cheating (gyp + some)
Idiosyncracy System of government where idiots and sinners rule (idiot + sin + cracy)
Intuition Currently teaching ( in + tuition)
Leguminous Having many legs (leg + many)
Liturgy The science of scattering rubbish (litter + gy)
Malice Queen louse ( ma + lice)
Masticate To glue everything (mass + stick)
Minimum An adolescent girl ( mini + mum)
Morbid Outbid someone at an auction (more + bid)
Morsel Mitosis / Meiosis ( more + cell )
Myriad Hairy (from Tamil for hair)
Mystical A tickle that failed (miss + tickle)
Pantry A workshop where trousers are mended (pant)
Prerogative Occupation prior to venturing into crime (pre + rogue)
Presumptuous Before a hearty meal (pre + sumptuous)
Programmer Supporter of the CGS system of units (pro + gram)
Refine To punish monetarily again (re + fine)
Reproach To dissect a segmented insect ( rip + roach )
Semaphore The number "2" (semi + four)
Syllabus A bus with silly advertisements on it (silly + bus)
Thesaurus The God of Dinosaurs ( theis + saur )
Toilet Just a little hard work (Toil)
Truncate To become an elephant (trunk)
Vendetta Time of procurement of a loan (when + debt)
Veneration The time something was spoken (when + narration)
Weed A plant that grows indoors (from Tamil for house)

Educate yourselves!


Puppy M and Baby V

Authors' Note: Colonial Oppression is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs, the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive do inform us and we will remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Puppy is a Punk Rocker!

Authors' Note: Rock 'n Roll is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs, the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive, do inform us and we will remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Our Ancient Culture is against our ancient culture!

Authors' Note: Ancient Indian art is a topic of scholarship and a matter of great pride and appreciation for many people of various ethnicities and persuasions, across the world. We do not intend to criticise, mock or undermine the beliefs nor the symbols and spirituality thereof. This post is a product of a random creative outburst, a central theme of the blog. If anyone finds this post offensive, do inform us and we shall remove it. A reason, though not mandatory, if provided, would be appreciated.
Another Note: The upper left part of the cartoon might seem unduly explicit. Its a humble, inaccurate and pathetic attempt at drawing this: (ah dhang you? not really. its offensive if you see it that way)
courtesy: wikipedia.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Linear Execution

Dear Puppy,

Our ancestors were indeed great. However, the long and painful rendezvous with the British was not entirely dispensable as might have appeared from my father's writings. Thanks to the aforementioned confluence of two otherwise antagonizing cultures, the 20th century Indian was able to brew a new social remedy for all evil. Previously unknown to mankind and/or simians, (It would be an act of pure optimism to even consider the canine and other such inferior forms of life in this argument) this method will shock the feeble-minded. (Reader discretion advised. Not suitable for perusal for Children under 3)

Most of us are unaware of this concept whilst it pervades ever so freely the problem space of our third-worldly lives. It is typically heard from "uncles" of all ages. Middle-aged Indians through out the country, leaving behind their linguistic identity, their religious persuasion or their political inclination, scream out emphatically and assertively:

"______ should be lined up and shot"

There are many things extremely remarkable with this cult of "Linear Execution". The most profound amongst these "things" is the insistence on making "them" stand in a line. Such discipline, such uncompromisingly meticulous process of execution (ah dhang you) invokes respect in the young and fear in the minds of the guilty. Alternatively, it might also be argued that the disdain and hatred that queues/lines (or the lack thereof) inspire in urban Indians has led to such a striking (ah dhang you?) expression.

The perpetrators of this cult who are affably (and sometimes scornfully) called "Uncles" often cite the application of this method of problem solving for almost every social problem.

Corruption: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Riots: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
India loses to Australia: "These cricketers must be lined up and shot"
Inflation: "These politicians must be lined up and shot"
Film star Exposed: "All these actors must be lined up and shot"
Garbage overflow: "all corporation officials ..."
rabid stray dogs found barking incessantly: "ALL DOGS..." (Puppy, this should enlighten you of your privileges)

It is noteworthy that while some uncles might propose a linear execution of only the guilty individuals, others insist that all practitioners of the trade have to be lined up and shot. This division is vivid, typically, in the treatment of the topic of political problems. While some uncles advocate the use of linear execution against only the accomplices in the event of an exposed scam, others argue that all politicians must be shot given the disclosure.

It is also important to note that not all "Uncles" are, what might appear to Westerners, cruelly extremist. Amongst "Uncles" there are moderates who, contrary to the radical "shooting" solution, propose "Whipping / Flogging" as more effective and becoming. Relatively benign social evils like a loss in a cricket match do not deserve extreme measures like shooting cricketers, they say. Thus, in lieu of capital punishment, mortally wounding or infliction of significant pain should suffice. However, regardless of the severity of action, UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES they have to be "lined up".

Baby Vaijayanthi.
"Because you're mine, I walk the line" - Johnny Cash.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Another Eulogy, To Another Beast

Dearest KP alias El Kptan,

Happy (belated) Birthday!

This one's for you:

Only a KP can KP be,
For if he were not, he wouldn't be KP.
So let KP be KP, and KP he shall be.
And KP will live by his own rules, naturally.

If KP weren't KP, who would he be?
Not KP cannot be KP. For it is not KP to be Not KP.
There is only one KP, and KP is he.
And only one can there be, thankfully

He prevails over evil and fights for good.
He ensures peace in the neighbourhood.
If you're lost in a forest he'll gather the wood
And share his wisdom, as a good KP should.

If it weren't for KP, Not KP would be. We don't want Not KP, do we?

Once KP became Not KP. We were left without a KP.
Not KP prevailed for thousands and thousands of years
Until KP replaced Not KP. And there was KP everywhere.
We shouted "KP" and sang to KP's glory.
Which brings me to the real question -
What was before KP?
What is KP made of?
Whenst was KP?
Wherest is KP?
Why is KP?
And how is KP?
No seriously, where the f!@#! is KP?
And how the f@#$@ is KP?
What will be after KP?
Perhaps we weren't meant to know.

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

Is KP relative to the frame of reference?
Is KP subjective?
Is KP inside or outside the box?
Would KP pop out of the box "suddenly, unexpectedly" (courtesy TAAQ)
And say, "It's KP!"?
Then we will know that KP was in the box,
And now KP is out.
Is KP made of Papier Mâché ?
Is KP made of anything at all? Or is KP just devoid of anything?
Does KP have his own pronoun?
Is "kp" KP's pronoun?
I, we, you, he, she, it, they and kp.

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

How fast is KP?
Is KP faster than light?
Can KP think faster than a computer?
Does KP think?
Does KP have to think?
Is thought and mental effort relevant to KP?
Does KP have the wisdom of Chacha Choudhary and the strength of Sabu?
Do human mental faculties have corresponding analogues to KP?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

Is KP?
Are KP?
Will KP?
Does KP?
Won't KP?
Shall KP?
Does KP kp?
Will you KP?
Did you KP today?
I am KP. Are you?
We are all KP.
KP is one.
...and yet KP is many.
Is KP unity in diversity?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

If KP is added to KP do we get KP?
Is KP transitive?
Anything with KP is KP with anything.
Nothing without KP is KP without nothing.
KP is selectively commutative.
Is KP + H2 -> KPtalic Acid ?
Is KP fat free?
Is KP tax exempt?
Is KP a national holiday?
How many KPs does it take to KP?
Is KP a renewable resource?
Does KP and the control thereof translate to power?
Is KP exothermic or endothermic?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

How do you measure KP? Can kp be measured?
Is KP flat or round or ellipsoid?
Do the heavens revolve around KP?
Or does KP move like everything else?
Is the 2nd derivative of KP with respect to time, kp ?
How many dimensions does KP have?
Integral of KP dt = ? + KP?
Is KP an imaginary number?
Does time stand still when KP orders it to?
Is KP odorless?
How many states does KP exist in naturally?
Does matter exist in the KP state?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

What is the capital of KP?
Who governs KP?
Does KP govern KP?
Is KP democratically elected?
Is KP anarcho syndicalistic?
Is KP a supporter of The People?

Only KP knows. Or perhaps KP knows not.

With best wishes,

Baby Vaijayanti and Puppy Manohar

"Gimme the beat, boys and free my soul" - M. Williams

[note from Puppy M: Saarang at IIT-M occurs around the last week of Jan. May I suggest this as a piece for the elocution competition?]