Some popular myths about India

The following are some popular myths about India. Some of them have some basis in reality while the others are blatantly false.
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In India, tying shoe laces in public is considered partial nudity.

The ancient Indian tea ritual, practiced every 11th day of the lunar month entails the following: The female members of the family serve tea (without milk) to male members while they are seated. The women then are explicitly and ritually asked to "Fuck Off" in Sanskrit (Hindu households), in Persian (in Muslim households), in English (in Christian households, that's why it's more fun in Xtian households), in Punjabi (in Sikh households). Those are the only languages allowed. The women go out leaving men and male children alone. Then, once-born female servants bring hot milk and put it per the customized and memorized taste of each male member. Then they are ritually kicked on their behinds (though this is only considered symbolic). The male members dance around the tea singing "Hallelujah" and then they bathe themselves in mildly hot tea and say, "Hari Om". It is considered to be a bad omen if the tea is sipped, drunk or even accidentally tasted.

In India, elephants are considered good luck. Therefore, when an elephant appears on the street (yes those bastiges just appear out of nowhere. That's why they are magical) people immediately stop what they are doing and sing a hymn to the elephant in the local language of the area. This song was copied by Elvis Presley in the '50s and was a massive hit under the name "I can't help ..."


In India, the word the word for crow loosely translates to "dragon". That's why whenever you see dragonflies and crows at the same time, they say "See the dragons fly with the dragonflies" If you chant this in Sanskrit 500 times, it's considered to be a 'sure shot' - yes, 'sure shot' - entry to heaven.

In India, hairy ears are a sign of wisdom, which is why you will see kids and adults alike deferring to the suggestions from a man with hairy ears in case of a problem. Note that this is only applicable to men. Women with hairy ears are considered freaks of nature.

In India, in some northern parts - because women are usually taller than men - men wear high heels, women roam around barefoot. That's why when a girl is considered for a marital alliance, she is supposed to show her feet and only women with thick strong calluses are preferred. "A woman is known by her callus" is an old northern saying. Needless to say, MNCs have made note of this fact and callus-softening creams are marketed to men in those areas, contrary to what you'd expect otherwise.

In India, almost all teenage men are considered homosexual. Obviously, Modern Science (tm) tells us today that not all humans are homosexual. But if a man between the age of 12 - 20 does not hold hands with another man while walking on street, its considered rude.

In India, when one baby laughs, it is considered a good omen, but if two babies laugh simultaneously in the same room, then it is a sign of catastrophe. This is why more traditional Indians oppose the modern practice of putting all new born babies in the same room after delivery, "just in case" they all start laughing, for you never know what those little bastages can do.

In India, Dams are considered Temples of Modernity that's why "I'd be damned" or "Damn it" is considered a positive thing. Yes 'positive thing'.

In India, in 'uneducated rural parts', white people are considered to be Gods from Heaven because of their appearance and because white people are so beautiful. Yes, all of them. So if you are white and go to an Indian village, they might anoint you by bathing you with milk, give their babies in to your hands and ask you to touch their head or hold your feet and not leave. Don't be alarmed, its a good thing and a sign of endearment, respect and deification. This practice has injured a few people of European, East Asian origin. But that's because they panicked.

Always remember Indians are more scared of you than you are of them. Don't do anything that might irk them. They are, after all, wild.

On the contrary, if they think you are an Arab, Persian, Kurd or Turkish, they might pelt you with stones and lynch you. Since most Indians can not tell the difference between Europeans and Middle Easterners, it's safe to color your hair blond and wear blue lenses when you roam out in public in India. That is considered the primary reason why the Portuguese and Spanish could never establish permanent colonies in India - their melanochroi appearance.

Most Indians can not swim.

Ghee inhibits the natural water-resistant nature of human skin, so Indians will die if they are under water for long periods of time. This is why Indians generally bathe very fast.

It is believed in India that a child who is not taught arithmetic, invents his own number system.

In western India a barrel of water is considered as an emblem for male prostitution. A male prostitute who is his own agent is called a Barrel. That's when one says "from the barrel of a gun" to children in Western India they shy away or give mischievous smiles.

It can also be considered sexual solicitation. Don't ever use the phrase in front of children, women or men, lest they think you are a male prostitute (even if you a woman).

It is well known that Indians prefer lighter skin tones, but many do not know the origins of this preference. Indians know instinctively that white bodies are poor absorbers of radiant heat. This knowledge is in their blood. That's why they prefer people with lighter skin, because their core body temperature is more stable and can better withstand the harsh, tropical sun.

An old practice of Indians that is currently in danger of extinction is the practice of using their nose to chop vegetables and fruits. This is why the phrase "nose cut" is used by children to disparage those of an older generation.

In India, winking with the left eye is considered an acceptable friendly gesture while winking with the right eye is lascivious.

Indians, being generally argumentative, can easily be incited to fight amongst each other. Indeed, the easiest way to make two Indians come to blows is to tell one that the other refused to acknowledge mangoes as the king of all fruits.

A lot of conspiracy theorists believe the main reason for the wars between India and Pakistan are because of their difference over whether the Pomegranate or the Mango is the King of fruits. Indians take their fruits seriously.

Indians discovered Malaria.

Indians also discovered swimming pools, the ampersand (&), nitrogen, coconut leaves, sand, and the Perl scripting language

An Indian astronomer by the name Bhargav propounded the first theory of gravitation where he correctly identified an inherent force of attraction between the heavenly bodies. This theory was discarded after he falsely predicted that the moon would soon fall to the earth in 30 years after the his discovery of gravitation. It did not but Bhargav is credited to have been the first known psychologist based on his introverted treatise. He is also the earliest documented case of lunacy. In fact it was because of Bhargava and his deluded beliefs in the moon fall that mental illness has been historically linked to the moon. That is why in India rationalists are considered to be lunatics and people laugh at you if you reason things out.

In some temples in India, it is mandatory for men to be topless unless they are very hairy. In that case, they are allowed to cover their upper body.

Flu is not allowed in India. It's just not allowed, don't ask why. Indians don't get flu unless they are in a foreign country. If you are visiting India, prepare to be laughed at or mocked in public if you claim to have the flu.

That's why a common derogatory term for foreigners in India is "flu-shot". "Big-shots and their flu-shots" an expression to condemn nefarious connections between business elites and multinational corporations.

On the other hand, the common cold is revered in India. If you are suffering from the Common Cold, more specifically from a stuffed nose, be prepared to be treated with reverence.

Common Cold is considered to maintain immunity in children hence its also commonly known as "Come On! Cold".

In the southern states there are special athletic events purely for athletes suffering from Common cold. Athletes try hard to induce cold before the event lest they should be disqualified. It is considered a great honor to represent your city/town in the Come On! Cold Olympics.

Some communities in India have yet not discovered the causality between sexual intercourse and human procreation. In these communities, the members insist that the woman's ancestors' spirit take over the womb and a child is born. The man is believed to have no part in this process. The concept of Fatherhood as understood by "us" does not exist. Christian missionaries hence find it very hard to convert these people, because they do not understand what a male deity is doing creating the universe and why we are his children and why is he anything but just someone who hangs around their mother and, at times, plays cricket with them.

Also, sex is no big deal and free love is encouraged. Women marry partners when they get bored of sleeping around.

Indians often lapse into making unintelligible noises in the presence of foreigners. Don't be alarmed; they are only doing this to confuse you and amuse themselves. Even they cannot understand what they are saying to each other. As soon as the foreigners are absent, they start talking in one or more of the following : Queen's English, Classical Sanskrit, Persian (Dari) or Latin.

Indians actually have no language. India has never had language. Language was given to Indians by foreign invaders.

India is not very Spanish friendly. A simple example - In India talwaar is a type of sword and salwaar is an article of clothing. Stupid spanish people came to India with their stupid lisp and asked for one and got the other instead. Since the Indian sword is very power [sic] they died instantly.

In India the roman letter "w" is known as "Double v"

Every Indian is actually lefthanded , but society forces him to be right handed

Contrary to popular European propaganda India was discovered in 1954 by the Chinese traveler 'Far In' seeking asylum in exotic lands to escape from the atrocities of the Cultural Revolution. He thought he had reached Birmingham but had in fact reached Punjabibaag, Delhi. He called the natives of India, Indians after the British Asian community of England.

Indians, until recent times, did not consume food, preferring to absorb nutrients directly from soil (hence preponderance of 'barefootism') and through 'zoophotosynthesis.' In an attempt to integrate with the rest of the world, Indians invented Indian Food (tm) quite recently, which is why it is rated the Best Food in the World.

The British can't speak English. Indians speak better English than the English, the Americans and all the English speaking world.

Indians invented English in 1658. Later their creations attained self-awareness and proceeded to colonize India. This is the inspiration for the movie "Terminator".

Regards,

BV and PM

PS: Did you know that 30% of all Indians are born on July 5th?

I Gregor

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to Chacha Aurangzeb(TM), Shahenshah-e-Hind! (Al-Sultan al-Azam wal Khaqan al-Mukarram Hazrat Abul Muzaffar Muhy-ud-Din Muhammad Aurangzeb Bahadur Alamgir I, Badshah Ghazi, Shahanshah-e-Sultanat-ul-Hindiya Wal Mughaliya)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed , in his bed, to his bed, proving that a parable where a bed is an anthropomorphic character essentially has to avoid references to the characters indulging in the human activity of sleep and - worse - sexual intercourse, for it will be weird and perhaps more Kafkaesque than Kafka.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a lazy bum who had woken up late and would have to call up work and call in "sick" like a lying fool (ah dhang you).

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a mechanical apparatus with the ability to change from a humanoid appearance to a big truck. Sadly (for him), Megan Fox was not in bed with him.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the poorly conceived teenage wizard character - Harry Potter, that it was 21st century Europe and his story - at best rubbish and at worst rabidly reactionary - constitutes 'literature' in this day and age. "Surely," he said to himself, "these are the last days of Western Civilization" and he went back to sleep.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he started up his laptop and navigated to http://puppymanohar.blogspot.com/, which is what you should do too to calm your central nervous system.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he thought it would serve as an excellent opening line for a story, and began to write it down.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a person who cared more about waking up than transforming, so he got out of bed and proceeded to brush his teeth.

When Gregor Samsa awoke it was night and he realized it was KP writing this missing the point entirely. But whats the point? I ask you, O reader.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a bedsheet. But aaah, what's this? Gregor Samsa wasn't in his bed last night, because he spent the night at an attractive lady's house. The writer seems to be very confused.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a CC TV Camera focused at the table in the corner of the room and said to himself, "Ah how the tables have turned"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed to a sheet of aluminium (aluminum for Americans) and he said to himself "Curses, foiled again!" (ah dhang you)

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to a vermin. Now he is a TED speaker who is scheduled to give a rubbish inspirational sounding - but really patronizing - speech about his metamorphosis and the video is shared on the internet under the title "Every Indian must watch"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Tom Friedman. "Ah what a vermin I have become" he exclaimed to himself as he jumped to his death from his Manhattan high-rise apartment. An unrelated observer recorded this on his cellphone camera and uploaded it to youtube with the title "Every Indian Must Watch This!!!!!111[sic]"

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to the Moon on a Stick, and Xida was finally happy, for thats what he wanted. He wanted the Moon on a Stick!

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to 'Cake Aur Samosa' and they all laughed because silly puns and mockery of other cultures and people is what constitutes humor in the subcontinent.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed to the frequency domain, and that's how he lived the rest of his live, as a little pulse at 456 Hz, with only his harmonics as company.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in to Ross, Monica, Phoebe and Chandler, characters of the mega popular American sitcom "Friends". The audience was shocked and discombobulated at the odd but contemplative and seemingly poignant turn the otherwise frivolous and tactless comic vehicle had taken. There was an uneasy silence in the audience. The 3-minute deadline for canned manic laughter from the audience had passed. It seemed like "Friends" was subverting established form.....and then Joey entered the room dressed as a 20th century middle class Jewish Czech German speaking girl and said "Wie geht es dir?", the subtitles went "How ya doin" and the audience was hysterical. It was the best FRIENDS episode ever.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself being inappropriately touched by an entomologist on National television.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself on Bugzilla with the label "REOPENED" stamped on his forehead in red.

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself watched in suspended animation at a break point waiting for an F8.

Regards,

BV and PM.

PS: This post was brought to you by Regular Expressions (TM) -- making it easier to extract posts from chat archives since the 20th century.

The above is a message from the RegEx Advocacy Group -- a non-profit organization

Wisdom

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, which is why normal people take off the crown before going to sleep.

A hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, which is why it is so fucked up. A hand is ruling the world, just a hand - no body, no brain. (ah dhang you)

If you see a severed hand, know your ruler.

Look before you leap. Preferably use the same principle for walking, running, sprinting or merely standing haplessly doing nothing. Always look. Better safe than sorry.

He who laughs least, laughs last or may be you need to change your style of comedy.

He who laughs least laughs last, He who laughs last laughs loudest, He who laughs loudest laughs best. Hence he who laughs least laughs best. I.e Please don't laugh.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Or may be the Angels are just afraid of being thought of as fools.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. It is interesting that they go to the same gym. May be fools are training for a marathon. That says a lot about marathon runners.

A bad workman blames his tools. A good workman blames his compensation package. The best workman blames the modern capitalist system. Viva la Revolucion

You can fool some people all the time and all people some of the time but you can't fool all people all the time. I don't know who said this first. Almost everyone agrees with it. What if it's not true?

Make hay while the sun shines, in your sky that is. The sun is actually always shining; it's a star.

A stitch in time saves nine. A stitch in space saves face.
A stitch on an open wound can save your life.
You decide which is more important

A stitch in time saves nine. 0 marks. No units. Don't say it's understood. You still have to write the units.

All is fair in love and war. And Nazi Germany.

Never hit a man with glasses. Fists are usually more effective.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others. Who the fuck lives in glass houses?
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Fortunately only plants live in glass houses and they don't throw stones at others.
And they haven't evolved opposable thumbs yet, those bastages.

People who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others and more importantly should not throw stones at their own house or throw stones so high that they might fall or ricochet. They should gently roll the stones if they so desire a translation of stones. This has the added advantage of making sure the stone doesn't gather any moss.

Also, that does not mean people who do not live in glass houses can throw stones at other willy nilly. A stone when thrown back at you still can hurt you if not your house.

An idle mind is the devil's workshop. By that token, is an occupied mind the devil's vacation villa?

I'm sure the devil blames his tools for an unsubstantial magnitude of work at his workshop. That's not because he is a bad workman -- the human cranial cavity is just not the right space for a workshop

God helps them who help themselves. Does that mean God is helping himself?

All that glitters is not gold, but it is still worth something in the pawnshop.

All that glitters is not gold but all that glitters and has a density of 19.30 g/cm−3, melts at 1064.18 °C, is definitely Gold.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, unless you write the name on a stick or stone and then hit me with it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Unless the names are on the boxing bout chart and it includes your name.

Time and Tide waits for no man. It's too bad time does not wait for no man. Who the fuck cares about tide?

Time and tide waits for "NO!", man. That's all Time and Tide want to hear -- "NO!". They are like dogs that way

It takes two hands to clap but one is enough to punch.

It's wonderful to watch birds in flight but don't stare up for too long for one of them is bound to defecate in your eyes.

A pat on someone else's back is better than a foot up your ass but a foot up your ass is better than a yard up your ass, depending on the substance and at what stage of assimilation it is in your small intestine.


Power corrupts, but energy doesn't. Since energy is merely power over a large amount of time, it's ok to have power.

A stitch in time saves nine, but it would have saved much more if the English language had a number that rhymes with time that is larger than nine. If this proverb was constructed in an ancient language that had a word for time that rhymed with the word for infinity then a stitch in time would have saved more.

The grass is always greener on the other side, except if you are looking at it through rose-tinted glasses.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, because lunches are generally imprisoned by their containers.

A sword turned in to a plough can still inflict fatal wounds.

You can not write on a slate with a ball point pen.

God does not play carrom board with the universe, even though both have black holes.

The Key and the Land Lock

Dear Puppy Manohar

Isn't it remarkable that inclusion of Tur key unlocks the landlocked Caucasian nations?

Baby V.

Words of Wisdom

Dear Baby V,

Perhaps if more people were fucking idiots, they would stop being ignorant wankers.

Think about it.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Kindle

If Kindle is the "Reader", what am I ?

Never break wind on a twice born

"282. [If out of arrogance] he breaks wind (against [a superior]), [the king shall cause] the anus [to be chopped off]."

http://www.sacred-texts.com/hin/manu/manu08.htm


Also for the interested:

281. A low-caste man who tries to place himself on the same seat with a man of a high caste, shall be branded on his hip and be banished, or (the king) shall cause his buttock to be gashed.

What that means is that I searched through the whole corpus of Manusmriti with the word "buttocks", "anus", "break() wind"

There are plenty more and if you ever tell this to anyone, you bastards, don't forget who told you this.

Familiarity

When I first read the dictum,
"Familiarity breeds contempt"
I said to myself, "Wow! What a pithy saying!"

Then I read it again.
Now I have nothing but contempt for it.

B - our liar jets

____________________
Dear Puppy Manohar

"Eat, Pray, Love" is NOT a BBC Documentary narrated by David Attenborough about the Praying Mantis. Though that would have been more interesting.

Baby V
____________________

Dear Baby V

Ah see what you did there Baby V, is you confused a Hollywood movie with an as yet unreleased BBC Documentary chronicling the lives of anthropomorphic mantisis (mantii?) called "Beat, Prey, Laugh".)

Puppy Manohar

____________________

Dear Puppy Manohar

There is an ongoing persecution of natural documentary makers in America. You just can't talk about insects on TV and you can forget about showing mating behaviors of insects (it's political correctness gone mad).

Consequently, what the film...makers have done is metaphorically tr......ied to spread the message about the natural behavior of mantis through the allegorical tale of a woman.

Its actually an arthropomorphic tale which represents insects through the unusual medium of feel-good-orientalist-coming-of-age-vacuously-edifying (european) human drama.

Like all Julia Roberts movies. Yes, including Notting Hill which you loved. They are all encrypted stories talking about mating patterns of insects, a message that just won't be ever televised (much like the revolution)

arthropodo-morphic? Also - think about it yaar! Its a tale about metamorphosis - Insect! its a tale about vegetarianism - Insect! its about preying - Insect! There is more to the story than it shows. Its clearly a arthropodological metaphor.......

Its inspired by "Metamorphosis" but minus all that is Kafkaesque in it.

Eat, Pray , Love - Praying Mantis
Notting Hill - Ants ( - Ant hill)
Fireflies in the Garden - well, ...
The Mexican - the mexican honey wasp.

All this while you thought she was all but your regular Hollywood celebrity next door, she was actually an agent and an apparatchik for the take over of Insects over human world.

Baby V

____________________

When the sun comes down on the Santa Monica Boulevard

"Thank you God!", I screamed earnestly, "Thank you for making man and giving him this beautiful, bright, sunny day in Southern California. A perfect day to shop, to go to the beach, swim in the ocean and get tanned" Then suddenly it occurred to me, "Hang on, I am an atheist, communist, Indian woman who lives in Mumbai and who can't swim, what am I talking about and whom am I talking to?" and then I got off the bus err.

Towelhead

Towelhead : Subject unknown

Dear Baby V,

One day, during the course of my travels, I came across this young man who was unorthodox in his choice of headgear. I was compelled by the scene to take a photograph without the young man's knowledge and I have reproduced it above. Let me clarify that this gentleman was clearly not of North West Indic descent, and therefore had no religious obligation to cover his head in the above manner. He seemed to be a Chinese youth, but that is not visible in the photo, only that he is covering his head with a towel.

Why would one get in a public bus attired thus? Was he trying to make a statement? Was this some sort of Pan-Asian Solidarity Stunt, where he is proclaiming that "we are all towelheads" as a reaction to racist rhetoric? Was he trying to appropriate for himself the label "towelhead", seeing as he was literally wearing a towel, and not a turban?

No one will know the true motives of this young man, but we have photographic evidence of his existence. Whatever his reasons may be, let us all appreciate the courage of the anonymous towelhead, for it takes guts to go out in public dressed that way.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: And then I got off the bus... err...

Always Remember

Dear Baby V,

Always remember :

You cannot spell patriot without RIOT.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Life is a box of chocolates

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I tell her, "So are parents"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get. Unless of course you go online and browse the catalog and select the ones you want. Then you know"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." which is ironic because Cadbury has a brand of chocolate which they advertise as being "a box full of life"

Mother tells me, "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." and then she quizzed me, "Tell me if that was a simile or a metaphor and you can have this box of chocolates". I insisted that it was None, although it looked like a simile, it was only a bad metaphor. I never got it right. Such is Life.

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But I ate it all up and now the box is empty. And so are our lives. (-Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." So I bought the box and it turned out to be the DVD Set of "Life", the BBC nature documentary series. Aaah! How right Mama was. I still want my chocolates, BBC!

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." So I bought the box and pair of cute twin Terriers came out. My mama had named them Chocolates. No i did not eat them. Mama did. (- Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I told her, "Mama, I understand that you need to make a sweet, edifying simile but I didn't really get it" She said, "Ah! I never know what you're gonna get"

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But she did not believe in the ill effects of global warming, just like so many other "educated" people. Now those chocolates have melted. Just l...ike our lives will. I am melting as i ty...drip (- Farging KP)

Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." But then they came out with "Death By Chocolate". No one had time to respond.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_by_Chocolate (- Farging KP)


Mama always told me "Life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're gonna get." I asked her, "Mom?" She said, "Yes son" I asked her, "Why are we talking in English?" She said, "Well son, you'll know when you grow up"
28 Years Old I was! I was 28!

The Ballad of Manav and Anamika

Once Mr. Manav Tautolopadhyay and Ms. Anamika Post Modernkar met at a birthday party.

Manav: "Hi I am Manav",
Anamika: "Oh yeah, so am I, but what's your name?"
Manav: "No my name is Manav, what's your name?"
Anamika: "I am Anamika"
Manav: "You have no name?"
Anamika: "No, that's my name"
Manav: "So you do have a name, how are you,[sic] Anamika [then]?"
Anamika: "If you are Manav, then you don't have a name either. I am very well thank you"

...and they lived anonymously ever after...

[Subtitles]
Human: "Hi I am Human"
Anonymous: "Oh yeah, so am I, but what's your name?"
Human: "No my name is Human, what's your name?"
Anonymous: "I am Anonymous"
Human: "You have no name?"
Anonymous: "No, that's my name"
Human: "So you do have a name, how are you,[sic] Anonymous [then]?"
Anonymous: "If you are Human, then you don't have a name either. I am very well thank you"

Discovering Computers

If all human memory of the science of electronic memorizing and processing of data (i.e computing) was erased and instead this human memory was backed up in form of electronic memory and hidden somewhere in the universe, the memory of the location having been erased, are we astute enough to hide it from ourselves and would we discover computing before inventing it?

The words are yours, the meaning mine.

Who the hell is the poet to tell me what it means?
She lost the meaning the moment I read the words.
The words are hers, the meaning - mine.
The meaning is mine until they read them.
After that, the only the words I wrote are mine,
I have lost the meaning too.
That is the cost of expression.

Incoming Free on Nature's call

Puppy Manohar told me that in Sweet-Ger-land, they take money from you if you wish to visit the lavatory. It occurred to Puppy Manohar that for nature's call, incoming should be free.

It occurred to me that it would be only good business acumen to let latrinists in without charge and not let them out unless they pay. This way you can also negotiate the price depending on their desperation. That's not unfair nor violation of rights. Its only good business.

Baby V

I'll be there for you

Dear Puppy Manohar

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

..in which Chandler gets so catastrophically
drunk that he barges in to Ross's apartment, then repeatedly anally rapes him and
pushes him in the corner and whispers in to his scared ears,
"This is how I feel every night when I sleep with your sister"
The audience is tensed and silent.

Then Joey enters the room and says, "How ya doin!"
and the audience laughs hysterically. Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

..in which a cat is stuck on the subway rails, with sad eyes looking at the camera as if pleading to be saved. The audience goes "AWWWWWWWWW"
and then Phoebe tries to save the cat while suddenly unexpectedly the train rushes through the tracks hitting both Phoebe and the cat.
Their frightened decapitated heads fly through the New York skyline with blood dripping on the faces of little crying children in a tragic slow motion shot.
The audience is shocked and silent.

Then Joey comes out of the motorman's room wearing the Motorman's hat
and says, "How ya doin!"
and the audience laughs hysterically. Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

Have you seen that FRIENDs episode ...

...in which they have shown a kind of post-apocalyptic, post-nuclear holocaust world where all mankind is extinct, all civilization has vaporized, all is lost except the Geller siblings - Monica and Ross, the only survivors.

They are posed with the intellectual dilemma - on one side
the apparently instinctive but really intellectual responsibility
of re-populating the world and propagating their human DNA
on the other hand the apparently instinctive but really intellectual
taboo of incest. On one hand the futility of trying to perpetuate the
evidently worthless human species which has already destroyed itself and the planet and on the other, the futility of re-populating the planet with characters like Ross and Monica - illconcieved, unrealistic, shallow, whose traits have been naturally selected from previously popular sitcoms and the lusty whims of insane studio executives and yet existing purely to keep a maddened Americanized generation psychosexually captivated, spell bound in their avaracious lifestyles that has destroyed everything.

Monica manicly cleans the human waste around her- the cleanliness freak that she is. Eternally punished to rectify the wrongs of a suicidal civilization - like the good woman 'the gatherer' as many MCP Darwinists believe a woman should be. Ross cries like a mad man mourning for the lack of a lover scavenging through the wasteland thriving on the meat of old lovers - the good hunter that a man should be.

They soon realize that all this does NOT matter.
It doesn't matter if humans go on.
It doesn't matter if they think human life has a purpose or is pointless.
It doesn't matter if a trillion years of life on the planet was just a meaningless
blink of the eye of the Universe...

What really matters is that ANOTHER season of FRIENDS must go on...

The audience applauds. All FRIENDS fans are happy to know that another FRIENDS season will be released.

But its not so simple, Ross and Monica can not make love. In spite of getting over
their incest hangup, they are so physically repulsive on an absolute level. Their
personalities are so repugnant, their demeanor so disgusting that they just can not feel
attracted to each other...

The audience is tensed, no more FRIENDS....this is the last episode...?
IS this how it all ends!?

Then a mutant monkey losely resembling an erect hairless ape struggles through
the radioactive waste mumbling the words, "How ya doin!"

The audience is hysterical!
Have you seen it?
Its the best FRIENDS episode ever. FRIENDS is the best!

regards
Baby Vaijayanti

Strong Accent

My strong inaccessible accent saves me from exposing by biggest secret - most of the times even I don't know what I am talking.

Religion: Other, Caste: Pwner

Dear Suresh Kumar

I am happy to inform you that the Indian Institute of Pwnage has considered your application in the above post and the panel of illustrious judges has decided to award you with the "Pwnage of the week" award.

For the next one week, you can proclaim yourself to be of the "Pwner" caste. You shall be considered for the permanent "Pwner" caste status. In the event, that you dine with or marry (unsanctioned copulation permitted) a person of lower caste, this privilege shall be revoked.

Kindly contact us for any more details. Your Pwnage Certificate and specially crafted twice-pwned thread shall be mailed to you soon.

regards,
Dr. Mrs. Sunil Thodomal, Phd.
1 800 JOINIIP
Learn how to Pwn! Let us PwN you!
Warning: Overexposure to Pwnage can lead to death or brain damage.

previously posted as an[sic] comment at:
http://englishtamil.blogspot.com/2008/11/caste-i-am-not-but-i-am.html

F.R.I.E.N.D.S aka Three Idiots

Dear Baby V,

I had three friends: one girl and two boys. Let us now, for the purpose of simplicity, refer to the girl as F1 and the boys as F2 and F3.

F1 and F2 were a couple, at one point in time, until F1 got bored and cheated on F2 with F3. F2 found out and proceeded, with heavy heart, to dump F1. It was apparent, even then, that F1 and F2 still had feelings for each other.

The friends moved on in life, going their separate ways…

… until they met again, at F2's marriage function (ah dhang you). After a long time, F1, F2 and F3 were in the same room.

F1 is devastated and needs help.
F3 moves on, searches and "finds next",
while F2, to this day, is useless and serves no popular purpose.

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

Now Listening to : "Ebony and Ivory, living together in perfect harmony" (paraphrase)

Dead Body

We have more claims to the corpse of a loved one than our own.
Now isn't that ironic?
No it isn't.
Isn't it tragic?
No it isn't, Irony is not for every body. Live with it.
Pun is. Laugh.
Deconstruction is the last refuge of the satirist.
That's why post-modern architectures look like refugee camps.

Ask not what

Ask not what can your country do for you. Ask what kind of a cunt would redo a rhetorical speech endlessly to the point of cliche.

Ask not what can your country do for you. Ask what kind of a cunt would redo the same grammatical error of putting the verb before the object in indirect speech that he did when he was nine. Merely to make a silly pun on country-do. But was he wrong or can indirect speech be free? Wren and Martin, GFY'selves.

Sachin! Sachin!

Was invited to this:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Give-Knighthood-to-Sachin-Tendulkar-Sir-Sachin-Tendulkar/361573232521

Its high time to knight Sachin Tendulkar, it seems. In fact, its high to abolish the British monarchy.

In response to the countless "Tendulkar is God" claims. Here is a BHAJAN dedicated to our God, Tendulkar. Apologies to the real Sachin Tendulkar, the person - this is unfair to you.

Tendulkar is God, but i'm an atheist so go f!@#! yourself
Tendulkar is God? He should be abolished then.
Tendulkar is God, that's why he drives around in a tax free ferrari through a city that has probably the largest urban slum in the world. that's just the kind of bastigery thing a god would do inni?
Tendulkar is God but he is your creation.
Tendulkar is God, poor tendulkar. He isn't that old, unfair, evil and bad at his job.
Tendulkar is God, lets commit genocides under his name.
Tendulkar is God, How many more centuries (ah dhang you) will it take before you let him go.
Tendulkar is God, I dont know whom I hate more, him or his fans?
Tendulkar is God, Just like God perhaps his fans are much bigger f!@#tards than he is.
Tendulkar is God, which is why people stop doing any sort of constructive activity that may benefit them or their families directly and instead spend their time gazing at a facsimile of him in a metal and plastic box.
Tendulkar is God and what are you? his messenger? okay now you have given the message. now fuck off.
Tendulkar is God and just like a good God, he will never help you win.
Tendulkar is God, the louder you sing his praise the bigger tit you are.
Tendulkar is God, the more you worship him the lesser your chances of getting laid.
Tendulkar is God, he is as good at the restaurant business as God is with his creation.
Tendulakr is God, Drink Pepsi and go to heaven (sooner)
Tendulkar is God, Awesome! Can't wait for him to retire.
Tendulkar is God. His fans are the primary culprits in making his game an indecent, pervert atrocity.
Tendulkar is God. "Who is saying that? I don't know brother" - Dr. Zakir Naik.

Freedom from expression

Dear Puppy Manohar

Everytime I see a frivolous rubbish movie like most mainstream Indian
and American movies, I ask myself: Is this the freedom of expression that my- and your-
ancestors fought against and actively stifled for ages?

Now, I am not saying that _ollyWood should not be allowed to screen their insane brain-vomit and public relations spell on the unsuspecting audience. What I am saying is: Where is the Shiv Sena when you need it.

I was delighted recently to find the calculated and orchestrated spontaneous reaction of the Shiv Sena to the racist condescending pig ignorant drama of a strange Indian man with a mild speech impediment and unusually high intelligence to the point of being clairvoyant trying hard to pass of as an autistic person, an American Muslim and a loving father, that is called "My Name is Khan"

Although as usual, the Shiv Sena had to cloak their constitutional
penchant for violence and vandalism
with the false guise of narrowmindedness and religious intolerance
which although intellectually ambitious
by Shiv Sainik standards is certainly unconvincing to anyone who knows the Sena.

This made me realize that most critics of the Sena do not realize that
what the Shiv Sena did is in fact
a part of the Indian cinema experience. While the West is adding
spatial dimensions and
making movies 3D effectively spoiling the entire experience and making the movies shittier than they already are- as they did for Alice in
Wonderland, Indian cinema is adding metaphysical and cultural
dimensions like the ancient un-civilization
that we are.

They have been inspired by the ancient practise of making Huge
effigies of Ravana. Putting months of
efforts in it and then burning it. Or making Ganpati idols, the shrine
for them and then immersing them.
Now cinema has the cultural aspect of making a movie, ransacking the
theatres, burning the directors effigies,
having intellectually frivolous discussions and debates void of any
historical or sociological context.

And all this while the hapless innocent civilian desperately tries to stay away from the whole charade and struggles to stay clean from the defecation and pointless flatulence of the uncreative and frankly parasitic Indian elite.

This makes one demand for a new - "freedom from expression". Unfortunately,
even though I did not and do not
want to watch or be contaminated in any way by the shit movie, "My
name is Khan"
or
"Her name is Shweta" a movie about disabled girls which effectively mocks the disabled because the maker is a dick,
or
"Friendship hi Friendship mein" - exploring the topic of homosexuality with the categoric acceptance of the understanding that homosexuality is evil and unnatural and yet throwing a humane facade that is pitiful.
"Raag - the sun shines on him" a peculiarly reactionary tale of a prince who saves the whole fucking world with mystical powers
or "Punjabiyan di Shaan vakhri" - a typical Punjabi family - affluent, fashionable, having lots of servants and drinking lots of lassi, with lots of tractors, sugarcane plantations and getting the price for the crop they deserve. Go Green Revolution!
or "Nishvaas - Coming of age tale"- a Marathi movie which is automatically critically acclaimed almost for being Marathi and hence having actors that are "Theatrically trained". Though all these theatrically trained actors have in the past only done obnoxious loud roles involving cross dressing, "line marring youth" and the ridiculously silly yet overplayed character of the tolerant middle class man. Based in the rural atmosphere, made by a couple of Maharashtrian Brahmin boys who wear khadi, and can be found at Cafe Samovar.

I still am bombarded to the point of no escape with the trivia, debates,
discussions, criticism and review of the atrocity like Alex is forced to in Clockwork Orange.

"My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Although I am a fucking idiot"


regards
Baby V

Trying God

Dear Puppy

Today in moral science class Jean Paul was punished for saying something unheard of.

When a bunch of atheists argued against the existence of God, he suggested that there is no doubt in his mind that God exists. But, he argued, He is far from benevolent. He is certainly malicious and autocratic. Far from being loving and caring, He has only contempt for mankind (and sheer disdain for womankind).

He suggested that instead of prayer and obedience to his Word, human kind should in fact invade the Kingdom of Heaven, depose God and try Him and the entire Divine Party of Heaven for Crimes against Humanity like we do on Earth. Additionally, he said, as decent human beings we only owe it to our fellow beings that we liberate the tormenting souls in the concentration camps of Hell and try Satan and everyone else involved too for Crimes against Humanity.

I strongly disagree with Jean-Paul. I think God exists and he is loving and I love God. I will pray to Him to forgive Jean-Paul.

regards
Baby V.

Gora Saheb

Dear Puppy Manohar

I hate to break this to you, but I have some declassified documents that make it certain. The British left India in 1947 but that was just a hogwash. They only left their physical presence because they need not have stayed here anymore. They had installed their best invention in us to the point of no return.

I was watching myself in the mirror and I realized there is a Gora Saheb in me. There is a Gora Saheb in all of us. He speaks out and takes full control of us at times.

There is no cure to this Acquired Gorasaheb Syndrome. I am not sure we need a cure for it. Its a part of a personality not necessarily a disorder. Thats what we are. But we are all Gora Saheb Positive. Especially the ones that can and do read this.

regards
Baby Vaijayanthi.
P.S: There is of course a black coolie in all of us too. Although I don't want to cure myself of the Gora Saheb virus, I do want to listen to the coolie more often.

Oh give me a home...

When we were kids our school taught us to sing "Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam.." which is ironic for many reasons one of which is that we were "Indians" and not frontiersmen and other and more important was because the school was in Goregaon, where the sheer preponderance of Buffalo Sheds and "tabelas" meant that everyone in the school yearned to live in a land where there were NO buffaloes and prayed that they would be tied to their sheds and never roam. Of course... we soon had floods and all those buffaloes drowned and died.

For OBVIOUS REASONS

A board outside the ill-managed sham of an Indian movie multiplex Naz 8 has the following friendly message on its gate in bold red letters "For obvious reasons, please do not bring in food, water, alcohol or cookies inside" ..No it isn't obvious at all.

The following are some OBVIOUSLY prohibitive and/or ludicrous things to take inside a film theatre:

1) your own Home Theatre, DVD player or TV.
2) electric guitar
3) 4 wheel vehicle
or even 2 wheel vehicle
(2 or 4 stroke engine)
4) a panda
5) a panda sitting on top of a 4 wheeled vehicle

Please comment with some other items that for OBVIOUS reasons should not be allowed in a Movie Theatre

Miyan ki Malhar

An "enemy combatant" at Gitmo refused to admit his guilt. So they subjected him to Indian Musical Maestro Bhimsen Joshi's "Raag Miyan Malhar" in which Bhimsen sings "Karim tero naam" (Karm is your name) over and over again for hours whilst imrovising on every note. The prisoner finally accepted that he was Karim, a key Taliban figure.

He Job

I once asked a French girl out and she rejected just because I was wearing a burkha. What a fascist! Systematic discrimination against men wearing the hijab.

On Mumbai

Dear Baby V,

In light of several discussions that I have read on the internet in the recent past on the status of Mumbai (aka Bombay), I have proposed a simple solution. First, to those who know not to what I allude, a few links to statements made by some random people.

I propose, to put an end to the question of ownership of Mumbai, that it be evacuated of all human residents and be solely populated by canines. This is an effective solution because canines have no geographical constraints on their inter-canine relationships. A dog from Madurai is no more or less likely to mate with a dog from Ludhiana as compared to a dog from Jalandhar.

Also, an added bonus is that such commonly heard laments will come true:

Random uncle : Arre Bombay has really gone to the dogs

Jilted Lover : These females from Bombay are all bitches man.

Angsty Business Man: Man, it's really a dog's life in Mumbai.

The Beatles(™) of Bombay : It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog(™).

Regards,

Puppy Manohar

PS: If links are broken, blame KP

PPS: Don't steal my identity, Baby V.

Jack of all trades

An uncle once asked me rhetorically, "Beta, what's the point of playing ten different instruments if you haven't mastered one?" "Yes, like you have mastered the only one instrument you can play - your mouth"

The Chutiya Kingdom

Dear Puppy M

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chutiya_Kingdom

What is striking about this bit of history is:

"The hostilities with the Ahoms began in 1376 when the Ahom king, Sutuphaa, was killed by the Chutiya king during a friendly encounter."

Friendly encounter, eh? who is the Chutiya now?

Baby Vaijayanthi
P.S: Please see the comment section.

My name is Khan

My name is Khan and I am not a terrorist. Although, I AM a fucking idiot.

Sur mila nahi kisiko

Disclaimer: The post has offensive language and is in general unfair to poor undeserving celebrities. The author is a mad angry person and people who think its too unfair on the poor celebrities can go farg themselves. The author is nothing if not morally inconsistent to the point of borderline mental illness.

Acknowledgement: AIOTM (aiotm!)
http://www.comedy.co.uk/podcasts/as_it_occurs_to_me/

Listening to Phir Mile Sur Mera Tumhara, and here are some thoughts:

Trying to rejuvenate the memories by digging up graves and then pissing on them. Missing the point entirely, screaming and wriggling around madly like mutant monkeys.

Any way, I propose a new music video with representatives of LeT, CPI ML, PWG, Al Qaeda, Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal and such other extremist militants putting on their best traditional clothes and singing, "Mile Sur Mera Tumhara" interspersed with explosions and rifle fire. That too will be less of an atrocity than Zoom TV and Times of India's new cool sassy and sexy anthem for the new generation that will be largely ignored and almost unanimously hated.

Pardon my french but:
Sur mila hi nahi hai kisiko, sur milne do pehle aur phir humara aur tumhara sur milate hein.

Also loved SRK's expression where he is trying hard to fart out his unfound Sur from his behind. Wonder if it would have been better for national integrity if he would have died of a rare attack of anal thrombosis whilst trying to fart out the constipated 'sur' he was trying to integrate with the others'. That way this monstrosity would have been stopped and so would other horrible movies (but that would be a bonus. nation first).

Deepika Padukone could have sung in Konkani but she did not. She stuck to lingering around pointlessly in outrageous (not for their skimpiness but for their sheer ugliness) clothing at best incongruent to the ambience and lip-syncing in a strange incongruent language making the viewer wonder if it would have best for national integrity if she would have drowned in that river and thus preempted this doomed project which if any thing promotes thoughts of sedition and insurgency in young impressionable minds incensed by its lamery.

Or if the Kapoor boy, would have fallen off from the cliff while his crew members let him bleed to death whilst singing the national anthem and saluting him for his martyrdom, knowing fully well that his small sacrifice would save the young kids of the country from watching this incredible abomination.

Or if Amitabh Bachhan would have undergone a nervous break down and would subsequently only say, "Jao jake usse sign leke aao jisne mere haath par yeh likh diya tha" (text on his hands:- 'Im a cock juggling thunder-cunt') and other such old dialogues again and again and again for the rest of his life trying to recreate the magic he will NEVER ever be able to recreate. (I am not a fan. He is a cunt. Except ofcourse, deewar and sholay. and namak haram. and anand. and kala pathhar. and zameer. and zanjeer. aah who am i kidding. he is a cunt but he is my cunt. wait what?..)

Or if a 'Madrassi', yes thats right, I said 'Madrassi' rickshaw-wala would run over Surya whilst loudly playing "Aitalaka aitalaka" and angrily lambasting the crew members, "Vootla solta vantiya?" killing Surya instantly.

Or if Aishwarya Rai and Abhishekh Bachchan would shoot each other on screen whilst criticising each other for being vain, arrogant and lets face it quite visually repulsive and physically ugly by all but objective standards.

Or if Amjad Ali Khan would admit on record that he killed Ustad Ali Akbar Khan with the help of his talentless sons who might not be great musicians but certainly are prolific murderers.

Or if Shivkumar Sharma and his dick son would scream out, "Hum Kya Chahte? AZADI!" and then blow up the place proving that they were Hizbul Mujahideen operatives all along, provoking award winning journalist and fucking idiot Pranay Roy to say, "Didn't I tell you. All Kashmiris are terrorists" only to be given the Gujarat Gaurav Award for excellence in Journalism and service of cuntry [sic]

Or if the same speech impaired children would collectively come to the realization that together they were much stronger than the artificially fattened and genetically engineered Salman Khan and would then overpower him and cut off his tongue making him realize the hard way how wrong and offensive his dismal attempts at trying to mime a sign language. Leaving him more expression less than he already is.

Of if Ehsan and Loy would be caught on camera saying, "Look we are playing the same chord..and you know why? cos Indian Classical music is monotonous and uninteresting." creating a huge controversy with the Shiv Sena ransacking all Times of India offices for being agents of Western Culture devastating Bennett and Coleman company forcing the owners to penury putting an end to all that is bad in journalism.

Or if Zakir Hussain and his brother were to bully and beat up their younger brother for being the worst percussionist in the Allah Rakha family.

Or if Rashid Khan (the mustached guy clad in green who has a crooked face due to years of singing from his left cheek) were to publicly declare whilst on set "Hindustani music has no future, I got them blues" and start a crusade to once and for all destroy the North Indian Musical tradition that he thinks is humbug if anything.

Or if the 2 Kulkarni kids who are not married nor siblings but still look similar (because all Maharashtrians ultimately look the same! Yes thats right. I said it, all maharashtrian look the same. The educated ones try to hide it by using recently learnt GRE words, but whom are they kidding) If they were to make sweet sweet love on screen whilst being told by a woman who proclaims to be their mother (and in reality the mother of all that is maharashtrian solving the question that riddled scientists for centuries: why are all maharashtrians congruent) that they are but siblings. The proud mother, Mrs. Savitribai Kulkarni later proclaims, "It is but a small sacrifice for the Empire. The maratha empire. We want our empire back! R.S.S! R.S.S!"

Or if the Gujrathi guy whoever the farg he is says, "Screw India. I am going to the US! You guys suck!"

That would do much more for National Integrity and help preserve it than the atrocious facile monstrosity that is the Zoom TV's craftwork. This at best an insurgent propaganda and promotes hatred for ones country, its culture, its people and its diversity which it has described lamely and stupidly and at worst a contemptuous disdain for our merry childhood made by a bunch of talentless cunts who are trying to say, "Since we were not successful in raping you anally while you were still a kid, let us at least destroy your memories and puke on all that makes you nostalgic".


Happy Republic Day

for a few marx

Religion is not an opiate of the masses. It is the fraudulent justification for complicity, association and/or submission to coercive exploitative authority. In that sense it is not an irrational whim of the human animal but a rational choice that a person makes based on dishonest reasoning, typically made to sooth ones conscience for not being brave enough to tackle the overwhelming fear and insecurities of living in an indecent society.

so fuck you, Marx.




This post is for Kpolit bureau members only. KPolit Bureau members are requested to back up and destroy this message on receipt.

Empty Vessels

"Empty vessels make more noise". No they don't. A pressure cooker with water and potatoes and a mixie half filled with ginger, garlic, cilantro and peppers make much more noise than empty vessels. And they also make a good potato curry. So don't patronize me with your condescending culinary metaphors.

Q 6 B) Write an Autobiography of a License Agreement : (10 marks)

Here I stand head in hand
Turned my face to the wall"
- John Lennon.

Though, I am probably the first text document you probably ever read when you installed your favourite Operating System, I am still unknown to you. No, I am not a driver, no I am not a installation manual, no I am not writing no so many times because I am pessimistic. This is because, my teacher cuts points if I don't pretend to be enigmatic in an autobiography. An exaggerated positive point of view (supported by exaggeratedly optimistic view points) can be found in my essay above Q 6 A) India, the super power of the 21st century ! ?.
I am a License Agreement. Not an ordinary one at that; I am the License Agreement of Windows. As nobody really remembers the time of his birth, I donot remember the place and circumstances under which I was born. (Authors note: I have never understood why all kids write this line is all autobiographies, is it the enigma of the process of birth or the futility of life prompted by over competitive exams) I had a very traumatic childhood as for as long as I remember my parents have always furnished me in court, where I have been interrogated ruthlessly, and been heavily debated to know whose side I take.
I am told I was born on an Apple Macintosh of Bill Gates.....
I have to rapidly finish this composition as time is short .... I had to write this essay very quickly...100 marks 180 minutes;10 marks : 18 minutes. And as usual , I cannot complete my paper..... so I will end this essay hastily adding some worthless comments to impart conituity.

I am sad as nobody has ever read me, they all say "I do" and then they never bother to peruse my contents. I wish there would be someone who would read me and sue my parents Microsoft, for taking their users for granted.

"He came, he saw
He haw He Haw"
- some other female blogger on blogspot

Ballad of Sir Sam

Ballad of Sir Sam
Until thou indulge in oblivion fascination
Of Sexual gratification through self-stimulation
To all who hark, I shall tell a story
Words long lost in time, a tale so hoary

Once upon a time in the Scythian race
Was born a sage with a sarcastic face
A believer he was of devout image
But many had suffered of his eccentric rage

Sambrani Kumar he is known in the mundane world
Perish the world shall his wrath unfold
Bravely went once for the GRE test
To go to US where 'THEY' are at best


Amidst the test mother nature did call
He had to visit foremost of all
Shitting with pants is a difficult effort
So removed his pants and kept only his shirt

But when it came to wearing it back
The pant so promptly hung on the rack
The underwear rebelled and fell in the hole
The crap in the potty had taken its toll

Liberate me from this shit it cried
Lest for the god the mortal had died
In a manner only to a god shall befit
Sambrani put his industrious hands in it

Thus Sambrani the rocker with courage so scanty
Emancipated the troubled soul of his panty
Then shy of its hideous deed of treachery
The underwear couldnt show its face to the fairy
Liberate me my Lord of form so dainty
For thou are the only "savior of panty"
The witty Sambrani grasped the innuendo
And flung the panty out of the window

History has known and time will see
Even today if thou go for GRE
Can see this piece of lingerie
Blissful in freedom, Hanging on a tree


To end with we see sense is ephemeral
Alas, Not all stories have a moral
For wankers are those who found something to learn
Impotent they are who listen for fun

In praise of Idleness

the evil worship of work,
the stupid cult of productivity
and the idiotic drama of professionalism
the scandalous criminalization of laziness
and the unnecessary guilt of procrastination
the foolish dream of greatness,
the silly pursuit of popularity,
the pointless mirage of ambition
and the hidieous doggerel of a career.


is what I told my fellow applicants to the same position that I wanted.
is what I always tell her, when she says she cant come out cos she has work.

The longest word

"'Smiles' is the longest word in the English language, since there is a mile between the two 's'es" No it isn't. The word 'ass' can be much longer than a mile if written with a font large enough, in spite of there being nothing between the two 's'es. (so can lanyards, finches etc.)